I just read someone who seems to think that you really do not get to choose to be dominant or submissive. They seem to be under the impression that you only ever ‘are’ or are not.
I’m afraid i disagree ….
I can accept that for some people, perhaps most people, that might be true but there are some of us who really just simply chose.
I admit that now a days i really find no real sexual pleasure in taking the lead, starting out that way can be fun and flirty but i do need Him to take over, rather quickly, or it loses it’s appeal. It wasn’t always that way, it was really rather primal all the time in the beginning but as i have gotten older and matured that changed.
I was able to finally trust someone enough to let go and submit sexually and over time i found that to be my preferred state in sex. So here we are … but that’s not the point.
Sexual submission is really only one aspect of this relationship for us and the least of it really. It would be nice to say that most of our hours are spent sexing it up … 😛 But that’s not true. Most of life is spent doing everyday, non-sexual things and i still submit.
I submit to Him because i choose to, we decided that this was how we wanted to live our lives for various reasons but i can’t say that any of them are because i have to. Honestly i can’t say i struggle with it either although i know that will piss a lot of people off.
I made a choice and i stick to it, the only thing i struggle with is the fact that i’d like more time and space to kink it up more often. The rest for me, is easy.
We have found our rhythm and we go with the flow. I don’t have outrageous expectations and neither does He. I can however take the lead in any situation in life and with most people that’s exactly what i do. I don’t struggle with that either. I don’t find it to be a facade or draining. It’s just who i am, another side of who i am.
I enjoy both sides of my personality. I choose when to be submissive, with Him, for Him but no where else. I don’t need it.
I enjoy being submissive to my husband, i enjoy the results we get from that. We are both happier and more fulfilled in our marriage, in our friendship. We fit together well this way, we have matured enough that it can and does work. It’s a part of my person with Him and although it is alive and well, and thriving here with Him i know it dies without Him.
It’s a choice, it’s all encompassing and fulfilling but for me it’s still a choice. I’ve said this since the beginning, my submission dies without Him, I have no doubts.
You can be a care giver on both sides of the slash. On one side you care for the person in charge, on the other you are the person who is in charge of the care.
I’ve read many times that people feel they are submissive because they naturally like to take care of people and make them more comfortable in life. I would argue that a good dominant also wants to take care of the people around them and make their lives better …
The actions are the same to me, the only change is the energy with which i approach them. That is where i choose.
nijntje & The Bear 
Yes yes yes!! Ok so maybe some have a naturally submissive nature, but to act on it is a choice! I am submissive to my SO, I like our relationship that way. We argue less and care more when I choose to submit. We have a primal relationship as he really has no desire to bring BDSM out of the bedroom, and that’s ok. I choose to give him the power and that makes me happy.
On the flip side I choose to be a Domme for pet. Yes we have our moments where D/s has no effect on what we are doing, but that’s the beauty of it all.. we all get to choose!
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We do all get to choose, it bothers me when i read otherwise. It’s a narrow view of human nature and it rings of ‘judgement’.
Thank, J. Lynn, it’s nice to see you back! 🙂
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Hear, hear! X
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Thanks Kis! 🐰Bunny bops all around! *giggle*
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boing boing boing 🐰🐰
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😂🐰😋💜
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I know what you mean. Those people who think you are ‘born’to be one it the other, like it is done kind of genetic wiring. No. Leadership is taught and learned. Submission is also. They both take work. The idea that they are just part of who you are is crazy. It is a choice.
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Well honestly i think some people are more naturally leaning in one way or another, that doesn’t however mean that those who can go either way are any less real, or honest or ‘natural’ in what they are doing simply because it was an active choice.
Words like ‘real or true’ or what have you really put me off. It’s almost as if they are saying that unless you ‘are that’ you will never be really that … which ever side you like.
Personally i am much more dominant than anything else but that doesn’t mean my submission is fake, or shallow or whatever. It doesn’t mean i don’t ‘get it’ or that i’m not completely fulfilled.
I like to put it this way, ‘just because i’m ambidextrous and you’re not doesn’t mean i can’t or don’t exist. My life is just different than yours, but it’s every bit as real’.
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True that!
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Agree with you completely! To me, this gets back to the philosophical question, “is there really free will?”
I happen to think all adults make conscious choices regarding their behavior. I do feel one is born with a tendency to be submissive or dominant. However, people change. Some folks decide to try new behavior either as a way to improve or change themselves. I’m of the opinion that anyone can change with the proper motivation.
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True! Just to take your point further, if someone really can’t manage themselves/by themselves they should be looking to work on their inner strength and independence and not to use this dynamic as a fix.
What happens if and when you do find yourself alone? A row boat in the middle of the ocean with no oars?? Not wise in my opinion, or healthy.
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I think there’s multiple ways people are in this lifestyle. Some choose, some simply are. Neither are wrong or the “true” way. What works for you, may not work for others.
I simply know there’s a difference between living and surviving. We all figure out what we require to truly begin living. I’ve been surviving for about a decade now and i’m trying to find a way to live again.
As always I enjoy hearing your thoughts, and wish you and yours well.
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There is a big difference between living and surviving, i know it all too well i’m afraid. I’m saddened to hear you know it too, it really is the most unforgiving of times. A decade is a very long time … i hope you find what you’re looking for.
Thank you for the lovely comment, and the well wishes, sheldonbunny!
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My need for pain and desire for kink are just a part of me, but I chose to submit to Sir and through him I’ve learnt that I’m a strong, confident woman. When he removes restrictions (long contracts where he is put out of contact mean this is our best course of action) I am still his. My submission just doesn’t surface when he is away. Like you say regarding Bear and your submission “it is alive and well, and thriving here with Him i know it dies without Him.”
(I’d intended to comment on today’s post but got swept up in the recommended posts at the bottom. Silly, absent minded barefoot)
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I had to go back and reread this one! lol thanks for that, I like to make sure what is posted here is still relevant and true!!
I think it may be hard for some to understand but I find submission can be all encompassing with the right person(s) and simply not needed elsewhere for me to be fulfilled and not anxious or worn down or what have you. Like you mentioned, we can be strong, confident and I’d say independent in life and still be well suited to submit when we want/when we find the right fit.
But then, not just anyone can lead someone who is just as good on their own. *wink* I think that’s why this has never really been an option for me before, not a viable one anyway. I’m sure I tested the waters in my youth but no one came close enough to measuring up! lol Yes, that’s another truth, submissives should have standards too!
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