The wonderful world of spankings!

There are so many different spankings and so many reasons why! If you have no experience in this you may think we are all just kinky, or out of our minds! LoL I promise you that is not necessarily the case.

Now, I’m not talking about the harsh, aggressive things you find online when you go looking for spanking videos – No I mean that there are so many other forms of engaging in a spanking ritual that I’d be writing you a book if I tried to cover them all. So with that in mind remember that I am only talking about a few ideas here and that it varies from person to person, just like everything else in this lifestyle.

Reset Spankings: used by many when they feel their dynamic has gotten a bit off track. It is a way of reaffirming the commitment to the lifestyle we have chosen and a physical catalyst to a new beginning. From my searching and personal experience these are normally a bit on the harsher side. Not angry or aggressive, just more intense as both parties need to release the old and begin fresh.

‘Harsher’ is of course relative, as will be any of these terms – as a masochist my idea of harsh may well be different from yours. It’s not about copying what you’ve seen, it’s about finding your own ruler to measure by.

Maintenance Spankings: used to keep a certain energy level flowing. It’s not about restarting anything it’s about staying the course and will normally be set to a schedule. Many of us who enjoy impact play/spankings already know that there is a certain feel about doing it and doing it right that seems to keep us happy. Content, in the everyday regardless of what stressors we have around us. The level of intensity really does depend on you, the person accepting the spanking. Some need a more intense session while others are well served with a moderate, almost massage like quality/feel to the entire event!

I know, you’re think that the rabbit has finally lost all her marbles!! To equate a spanking to a massage! LoL Seriously though, have you never had the experience when the rhythm and intensity is such that you start to melt away into a very comfortable, relaxed calm?? If you haven’t, you should try it out …

Stress Relief Spankings: unlike maintenance which will often be scheduled, spankings for stress relief will be used whenever one – or both parties – needs a spanking. For any reason really, besides fun. I say both parties here because despite the fact that most of use will think of only the submissive needing a spanking, I believe that dominants will too, sometimes.

No, I’m not talking about switching, where the dominant allows the submissive to ‘top’ them for some stress relief of their own. This too can happen but sticking to just submissive spankings here, what I mean is that spanking releases stress from both sides. The dominant as well as the submissive can reap the benefits of a spanking well done, not just the receiver.

I’m sure you can all imagine the look I got when I first told The Bear that I thought He needed a spanking session!! 😛 *smirk*

However, I do think that there are times that he, just like me, gets to be a bit too stressed out and taking it out on my backside, for HIS benefit, is also a thing.

All of these things work well and there are many reasons why they do but it always boils down to a release of chemicals that causes you to relax and rejuvenate so that you may come back at least a bit better to carry on whatever it is that is happening in your world.

We have used spankings for stress relief for a very long time. We don’t get to now due to privacy issues and so we have been using the other methods I have written about in the maintaining the D/s posts. We find these to be useful not only after a stressful even but also BEFORE! If I know that something is going to take all my might NOT to react poorly than I will ask for something before the event.

In general, spankings can be used for whatever you think might be helpful to you. The length, intensity and ritual you use will be unique. The most important ingredient to make it work is as always, communication.

Communication in spanking: It sounds odd to some of us that the submissive partner has the right to, and NEEDS to communicate about when and how a spanking needs to be done. My experience has been that the more communication there is the more effective the act and the better the dynamic over all.

It’s hard sometimes as a submissive to come to terms with the fact that our dominants are not mind readers and neither do they need to be. We all know this of course but when it comes to speaking up and asking for what we need and want, we seem to freeze up!

It’s a tail *wink* as old as time. It’s not leading, it’s not topping, it’s not weird and it’s most certainly not wrong to communicate thoughts and feelings to your dominant. They do get to make the decision of what actually happens after all, that’s the ‘dom’ part in this, not you asking.

Do you remember when you read all those posts that said submission is hard? This, this is that hard part. It’s the asking, it’s the getting past our discomfort and negative self talk that tries to talk us out of speaking up. It’s the uncertainty and insecurity that can creep up – it’s the vulnerability of putting it out there in the open.

That’s submission – or at least part of it.

You get the reason for the spanking in your minds and then you start – faster, slower, harder … too hard! slow it down or ramp it up. A different position perhaps or a different tool. These are all things we have discussed during a spanking! yes, during, because the point was to practice and see what feels right for the outcome we want and what doesn’t work.

We always know when the discussion is over because I melt into Him, words fall away and we become one. One in the journey to the life and dynamic we want. Then we hope we weren’t too distracted to remember all the ‘tweaks’ we made for the next time! *giggle*

We progressed from spankings to S&M, it accomplishes the same goal for me in a much deeper sense. That’s why we can get addicted to subspace. Just like spankings are not always about sex, neither is BDSM.

This is only scratching the surface, I know, so feel free to drop a comment and add to the conversation!

He’s a Man

I love Him dearly – I love Him to bits!! And, He drives me crazy!!

He drives me crazy for the same reasons I love Him to bits … he’s a man! (I’m not interested in comments about gender and fluency etc. Bear is a man, identifies as such and is quite happy to be one … so let it go, K??)

His communication style is very ‘man’ like. If you don’t know what I mean than this is likely not the blog for you … sorry. If you do know what I mean, well YOU KNOW what I mean! Argh!

All that said, if I really want to be His submissive than I need to stop focusing on what it is I think He should say, or do, or ‘word it like’ … and just simply take what He says either at face value or at what I’m pretty sure He means.

If I’m not sure I need to just ask – and not turn it into a ‘thing’ that then becomes an issue and then a problem etc. You see where I’m going don’t you?

We communicate differently and when we do it can become hard for me to merge that idea in my head with the reality that is. If I put the fantasy and emotion out of the equation – the truth is I know what He means, and doesn’t mean. I’ve known Him 25+ years now and I know Him better than anyone.

So why lean into the negative story that only wants trouble when I know He simply didn’t tell me the way I was expecting? (Ah, expectations – the angst of all submissives, right??).

When I’m deeper into -sub mindset- it’s harder to be rational, that’s why. When I’m not, I have a choice. I chose to go with what I know of Him and not start anything by way of trouble. The world has plenty of that – I prefer happy!

Sorry for the ramble, just getting my feet wet again with words! *wink*

Two week trial

Part of our dynamic involves constant exploration, why not? Sometimes it’s sex and kink that we put a trial period on and sometimes it’s more. Like an idea or feeling that we are trying to capture with rituals and rules to help create – whatever it is we are after!

We are going to start just that again now. As I’ve written, things are a bit bland in our kinky life and we both are craving something more deliberate, more intense. We’ve sat down a few times over the past week to brainstorm together about what feeling it is we want to achieve and what triggers we have that help us do just that.

I crave a more intense BDSM aspect to my dynamic, Bear does too I think, but noise and lack of privacy are still very much a problem! My son’s mental health is no longer an issue (thankfully) but Covid has made it that we are NEVER alone! LoL Much like many of you I’m sure! That means that the things we are trying out are not necessarily exactly what we would like our dynamic to look like, but they are hopefully good enough for now.

There is no such thing as ‘perfect’, we put that notion aside long ago so we could focus on simply being happy! So we’ll start a 2 weeks trial period on a few ideas and see where it takes us. We want only a few changes right now, not a whole list all at once. Too much, too fast is just not the way to find a rhythm that works for us. It gets complicated and a bit too frenzied to really understand and appreciate the implications and if it’s something we want to keep or toss!

The thought is that 2 weeks is just long enough to see if it’s do-able, if it’s effective, or if it’s simply too much or doesn’t work on the psyche the way we hope. There will be no changes or backing out, or adding to during the 2 weeks. Changes will be made afterwards in order to give things a real chance! Of course – if it’s obvious that something is a ‘hard no’ for either of us than it will be reassessed and stopped, or whatever the appropriate measure.

So wish me luck! ❤

Mindfulness – Maintaining that D/s connection pt.2

After communication, communication, communication …. *wink* the next thing I personally find useful in maintaining our connection is practicing mindfulness. Again, I know this is nothing new or revolutionary BUT it is something that I have noticed works very well in a very short period of time. Assuming one is willing of course, but then isn’t that the whole point of submission? A willingness to do so for/to another?

I enjoy the art of kneeling. Sadly I don’t get to do so very much for/in front of the Bear these days. Our life, schedule and lack of privacy don’t really allow for it.

When I do get to practice kneeling I find it very relaxing. It allows me to focus my mind and my energy, it relaxes my thoughts and it soothes my aching muscles and joints! Yes I’m serious, it does help with ALL of that and so much more. For me even just 10 or 15 minutes of kneeling practice changes my entire state of mind and energy. But lets take a closer look, shall we?

These are some of the basic positions you can read about, you can find them and descriptions of each pretty easily. How to do them, when to use them even when and what parts of play or ‘training’ they are best suited to. They are found anywhere from sites of weekend BDSM-ers to full on Gor.

With that much versatility, there must be something to it, don’t you think?? *chuckle*

Now look at these poses:

These are just a few, you will find all sorts of standing, laying, kneeling, etc. you just need to look. These too are practiced for peace of mind, focus, strength, calm, relaxation and so on …

The difference between the two for me is really the intended outcome. When I workout for myself I call it yoga. When I need a boost of submissive energy .. we add a few kinky accessories and we call it kneeling. Collars, cuffs and clips (pain of some sort) is my go to. It helps my submissive mindset greatly when it is ‘ordered’ by my dominant, and many times picture(s) of proof is also required. 

It’s simple, it’s easy and it can be done discreetly and quickly no matter who is at home or how short on time I happen to be. It’s all part of a list of submissive triggers that I worked out for myself and we then discussed and worked into the everyday.

An added note here, there are times when I’m just not in the mood – those are the moments that require the most mindfulness but also submission! Active submission I guess you’d call it for that’s when it becomes clear and established that He is He, and I am His. If I want this lifestyle than I want it all the time and not just when convenient or satisfying a horny need.  

Those are also the moments that tend to have the biggest impact on my submission! *wink*

Hey look at that! I think I’m getting a bit more focused and less slightly less scattered! LoL 

Most important submissive phrase

‘Can you help me, please?’

Hello everyone! It has been a long while, some of you who follow my other site know why already.

I’m not sure how often I’ll be back here or if at all for now. I have started the slow process of getting back to writing, I know it’s good for my head but I’m not sure if I have anything worth sharing here. If you have any questions, any comments, any musing etc. feel free to drop a comment. Maybe you will inspire a post! LoL I did have this one thought though … 

The most important phrase that I, as His submissive, have learned is to ask for help! Right now especially I’m finding it to be crucial. 

The kink, the BDSM, the masochist in me and the sadist in Him. Those are all important in our dynamic for certain BUT learning to ask for help, learning I can ask for help, learning that I can completely depend on Him. 

That’s what really makes this dynamic special. 

Happy Friday! I have missed you …. 

Sub Drop

These past weeks I have been lucky enough to have most of the day to myself. In these hours I have chosen to work on my active submission.

I’ve done things to enhance my mindset and have done things that I know enhance His. It has really been great, we are both (i think) very much engaged in the dominant/submissive vibe and comfortable doing so.

Today however, i have to work all day and so the kink and BDSM is on hold.

I can feel myself slipping into sub drop, the scattered, anxious energy of trying to figure out what to do next. It’s like having no direction …. It is uncomfortable and stressful.

This is what D/s takes away for me. This is why our dynamic works well, but it does have consequences sometimes. Like ‘sub drop’ when you aren’t prepared for the change of energy dictated by ‘life’!

I haven’t experienced anything like this in years …. fortunately i know just what to do about it, just as soon as He gets home. ❤

Happy Monday! 🙂

Ouch!

I’ve been in a lot of pain for a very long time. Today however, the pain is when i sit – and due to other issues all together!! *raspberries*

It has reminded me of the importance of proper skin care as well! Dry skin can lead to paddle rash, a thing i assure you, you don’t want!

I’m pretty well covered in bruises, something i don’t normally have. When we take the time to warm up slowly the bruises are on the inside (deep tissue) not outside but with little time and much enthusiasm … oh well! *wink*

I’m not sure if it was all too fast, or if i’m just dealing with too much other stuff right now but i don’t seem to have gotten the normal ‘floaty’ calm that usually accompanies some play. *shrug*

Just musing ….

Happy Monday! ❤

Beats me …. ??

One thing I have learned from going through the process of trying to figure out our ‘dynamic’ is that the sooner you stop trying to label it and fit in, the faster you find your groove and have a chance at being happy!

If I was just starting out and looking for a partner specific to BDSM I suppose it would be a bit different but I can’t see myself ever doing that anyway. (Not that I am in the market for anything!! just musing.) Bear and I fell into this lifestyle, we didn’t set out to ‘be’ anything.

He was kinky from the beginning, He just didn’t know it! *wink* Heck, i was too, i just didn’t have a name for it! The first half of our life together saw a few kinky times but mostly just regular everyday life, especially after the kids came around. Sleep was not a thing i knew and i swear just thinking about touching me would send secret signals through the air to wake the kids!!! I’m not even kidding here …. *ugh*

It was 8 years before i was able to start sleeping through the night and have both energy and appetite for something ‘more’.  I also went off birth control and started the beginnings of peri-menopause (pretty sure). The words ‘randy teenager’ come to mind!! *chuckle* Poor Bear really didn’t know what happened …. 😉

********

Our relationship has been a progression. For the sake of some clarity I’ll say that we started off pretty primal in nature. Biting and scratching and just raw energy was the main way of being together. Again, we didn’t label it but the animal in both of us was usually the main event!

After using some of the energy up i started to switch over to CNC. I didn’t say it at the time but the dialogue in my head was normally in that direction. It makes sense really, it does tend to lend itself to many of the same actions in a primal joining. What it did do however was tap into the submissive part of the equation.

It wasn’t too long after that when the energy became more ‘slave’ like for me but we found it a bit to one sided. It didn’t give the Bear the responses He needed and so it fizzled out. It wasn’t until we explored and added masochism to the mix that it became more exciting, for us.

As of now, we both enjoy the s&m aspects of our relationship but unfortunately we don’t get to play as hard as we would like. A side note, s&m for us doesn’t need to involve sex. For me at least, it’s another level of trust but also relaxation! I would caution however that there is a fine line between healthy s&m and self harm. Some may not agree but that is both my opinion and experience.

Now – i’ve gotten my mind on another branch entirely so i think i will end this post here.

Our evolution has continued and maybe i’ll be able to get back to this train of thought later! Happy Thursday all! ❤

 

Asking is not demanding; teasing is encouraged!

He likes it when I come on to Him, in a certain way of course, not demanding but more like ‘needing’.

He always has.

He likes it when i tease Him, within reason of course or He puts His big ‘ole bear paw down! *raspberries*

He always has.

He likes it when i’m naughty, not bad naughty but in a sexual way. *wink*

He always has.

If I want more fun in this dynamic and more “Him” the way i crave – i simply need to get out of my own way! *wink*

He likes a sexy, confident, determined submissive who knows her own mind and needs. I just need to remember to show them!

Asking is NOT demanding; teasing is very much welcomed …..

It binds us.

We’ve started adding more play (kink) to our lives again and we’ve even managed to add some impact!

Recently we got to play with the floggers, as well as some new toys that we had decided to order in the spring!

He remembered to add some bondage … for my sake mostly. It helps with my mental space, quiets things in my head. He likes it too, i’m sure of that, but with the lack of opportunity lately (years) it can be easy to just ‘skip ahead’ and forget to add all the layers that really do make it something even more special to experience. For us anyway …

We are taking a chance i know, with the youngest still at home and well, stuck! It’s not like there is anywhere to go right now with everyone cautious over Covid 19. So far i haven’t noticed any changes in him or his mental health so we move forward and cross our fingers! Our play used to be a bit of a trigger for his anxiety, not that we make it a ‘thing’ but at 18 i’m sure he can guess some of the things he overhears from time to time!

What i do notice – still notice – is that when we get to play i miss Him more when He is not here. It binds us …

 

It somehow mimics the energy and feelings one gets when you are in a new relationship. He is constantly hovering in my mind.

Happy hump day! ❤ *smiles*