I’m afraid we’re hooked!

I’ve been busy … very, very busy.

Work and kids and anxiety and panic and all that stuff that you really just can’t explain fully! Not unless you’ve lived it … at least i don’t think so.

D/s has been ‘low key’ and i think that’s being generous. Honestly, I was just starting to think that perhaps it was time to ‘put it on hold’. We’ve never done that, not in the nearly 10 years that we’ve striven. But it’s true, i did consider it.

Just as i was starting to wonder about the whole thing He started to make things more overt, to assert His dominance again.

3023441-PFAEUZYM-7I could have been petty or faught back or whatever, it has been some time of relative silence after all. I chose not to, i chose to engage. For as much as He offers and as much as He takes – I’m here!

Between work and stress and my physical flares i admit i haven’t got much in me, not physically anyway but i am trying. He’s been sick as well so it’s not like either of us are full of energy and spunk! *chuckle*

But we are crawling our way back to that connection we want, we miss. It’s hard without the S&M. We are both very much linked that way, it has become bloody obvious now! It’s like our life line now.

Some things you just can’t go back on i guess!

Oh, for F’s sakes!!

Remember that week i said i might have??? The one to be nijntje??

Well just now found out that my uncle had a stroke yesterday …. he should hopefully be ok.

Also, his daughter, my niece, has a growth on the back of her neck and now she can’t see out of one eye.

She’s been out of country for some time, i guess she’s back!!

*wry laughter* so much for my week …. ! πŸ˜›

Caught up?

Things are more or less handled at the moment, at least until next week!

The youngest is in exams now, his schedule for next semester is finally set. I still need to write a note to his new teachers and give them the important information but that should wait until February. That’s when they start fresh!

A new doctor for W has been found and this one is much more reasonable. *sigh* The one we/i was supposed to get in November baled. Apparently they are sending out a letter to inform us (all the patients that were on the waiting list). I have yet to see one ….

The oldest is finally doing well, getting his diploma and actually learning!! surrounded by people and teachers who treat him fairly and show respect. Imagine that …. about damn time.

10 days on FB and I am working pretty much at capacity again. My body hates me for it but my bank account doesn’t! LoL I hate debt, of any sort ….. i’ll sleep better in pain than in debt and obsessing!

It started with the furnace and just progressed, thing after thing within a month and a half and all of a sudden we went from all paid up to almost $10 000 of things to replace. I have no intention of going into my savings so work it is!

My baby brother, who has just recently come back into my life, has been taken advantage of by family but I have convinced him to meet with my financial adviser. I think he learned a few things and opened up his mind to a few new ideas for his future. The man i work with is very kind and has a great heart for helping where and who he can. He has offered to provide his services to L free of charge regardless of whether or not he moves his money. People like that are hard to find. I want to give him credit, even if he will never know it! πŸ˜‰

L is schizophrenic …. he can use all the help he can get. You’d be surprised how many people have no trouble taking advantage.

So, it’s been a busy couple of months, with holidays and things breaking down, appointments and emails. Advocating and stress managing, fact finding and scheduling, coordinating and pushing forward.

If i’m lucky i have about a week of calm before the next storm.

Once again i find myself in a position that maybe, just maybe I can lay down sword and shield. For just a little while the warrior can rest.

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Perhaps, if i’m lucky, i can switch gears and just be nijntje for a while.

I guess we’ll soon find out. Happy Friday ❀

 

I call Bull Sh*t!

They say submission takes strength but many times in my travels i see submissives taking the blame for things and beating themselves up over things that their dom’s didn’t like.

The dom on the other hand runs around doing whatever they want, not listening, not asking and certainly (in my opinion anyway) not caring for the submissive in the way they need. In the way that was agreed upon. When things don’t go right they say it’s because the submissive isn’t trying hard enough.

When the submissive steps outside of what the dom is comfortable with and tries to find their own peace, however that might be, the dom then decides ‘their’ feelings have been hurt and that it’s the ‘worst thing ever in the world, how could you’?

In my dominant life I know one thing, IF I am taking care of things the way they need to be taken care of, NO ONE needs to go look elsewhere. Does this mean I’m perfect in my dealings? No. But I do take on the responsibility of failure and do my best to fix it.

I respect the people who look up to me and depend on me, and I ask for their opinion. Who the h3ll else knows them and their situation better then they?

I might not be interested in BDSM domination but I am dominant in the rest of life. So if a ‘dom’ can’t take responsibility or makes you more miserable then happy in life and causes you to question yourself over and over than I call Bull Sh*t!

That’s why they say submission takes strength. One of those strengths is to stand up for yourself.

 

 

i thought i wanted to become D/s …

In the beginning of all this excitement and whirlwind of a journey i thought i wanted to become D/s. i know now that it’s not true!

‘Becoming’ something to me sounds like you are moving in the direction of something that has been predetermined in space and time. Something that has parameters and rules, ways of being.

i’ve always been an ‘outside the box’ sort of person. Trying to fit into something that wasn’t of my mind or soul simply doesn’t work for me. The entire thing feels like putting on a show. That is not who i am.

Trying to ‘be D/s’ always seemed to lead to let downs and frustrations because it simply didn’t work in our life, in our time and schedule etc. It was someone else’s version of how life should be you see, it works for them and where they are in life but you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, can you?? not very well.

So some years ago i decided i no longer wanted to ‘become D/s’, instead i decided that D/s could become part of us! It was no longer about following a set schedule or ways of doing things. It was no longer about chasing a feeling and/or maintaining a mind space.

No more, shoulda, coulda, woulda ….

I think there is a real difference between doing this with someone you live with 24/7 and doing this with someone outside of your home/life.

To me it’s the difference between dating and married. Not trying to be offensive to anyone, just trying for simplicity.

When you go on a date you are ready, you are prepared, you are focused and you are planning on giving your date all of your attention. You dress to impress and you have already prepared yourself mentally for that time together, whatever it is you’re doing. In this case BDSM or D/s activities. If for some reason you are not prepared you cancel or postpone.

When you are married/live together however there is not usually a division between getting stuff done and preparing to be Dom or sub. Yes you can set time aside for these things, plan date nights etc. but truthfully, life tends to grab a hold of a lot of that time and energy. You share all aspects of life which means you are both stressed or overwhelmed AT THE SAME TIME!

A live in partner sees all of you, 24/7, not just your best foot forward like when you are dating, like when you are mentally and physically prepared to be together.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a great amount of connection and closeness/knowledge of your partner in those relationships, i’m just saying that the depth of it all is still different. There are things that come up when you are 24/7 in the same space that just don’t happen when you are not.

We called it rose coloured glasses …. to me that’s what ‘becoming D/s‘ felt like. There was no room for a Master who just wasn’t feeling it today and couldn’t find the energy to Dom.Β  The idea that i didn’t feel ‘submissive’ today meant that something must be wrong or maybe it wasn’t for me after all …. or worse, we ‘lost it‘.

Even in a 24/7 relationship you go through different thoughts, feelings and emotions. It’s called life.

So no, we didn’t become 24/7 D/s …. it simply became part of us. That differentiation was freeing to me!

 

 

Not exactly what it seems, this D/s.

I’ve been a bit flustered as of late. I think that’s probably the best descriptor. Some of it in the previous post and some of it here as well. Some of it i haven’t even begun to put down in writing.

There is a lot going on in my mind right now but ‘submissive’ is not really something on the forefront. Not in the kinky, posturing sort of way anyhow. The more frustrated I get the more stupid little things irritate me. Things He does make me grit my teeth and bite my tongue …. and not so much because of D/s but more because I know it’s not right.

I think when you get into a 24/7 D/s relationship it really isn’t all that different from any other committed relationship for the most part. We’re not kinking it up 24/7, as nice as it may sound it is simply not possible.

We are parents first and foremost, the kids need our time and attention. Next is jobs of course, and then pets …. time, money, emotional struggles both ours or someone close. All of that doesn’t go away because you adopt D/s as a lifestyle. Not when you live together!

But the D/s shouldn’t go away either, just because of ‘life’ stuff, because that stuff will always be there.

So I texted Him and told Him that I didn’t want any ‘kinky stuff’ today. The things that usually keep me thinking of Him and us in that way are today just an irritation. My body is not having any of it and my mind is ready to spin out of control.

He agreed …

He is still He and i am still me but today i need to keep it low key, for my own peace. Sometimes peace comes inside D/s and sometimes it comes from outside in a manner of speaking.

Today i just need toΒ STOP.

He doesn’t point fingers, complain or blame. He stays and holds things steady, He waits for me to be ready. He supports and He watches. And when the time is right He starts again.

That’s what makes Him a dominant, not the ropes ….. *wink*

Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday!?!?! UGH

 

D/s and Nietzsche pt. 2 – My Dominant

Since i mused from my ‘side’ of the slash on how things seem to match up with the progression of self, i thought i’d do the same for what i see happening/ed in the bear!

When i met the Bear i knew right away that He was someone i could count on, but He was young as was i and we both still had much growing and maturing to do. He was very much in the camel stage of life, doing and working and not really one to turn others away, at any cost.

I was probably already starting to turn to the lion but children came along and then ‘mom’ took over, everything else really does fade into the background, doesn’t it? It’s a very good time to have a camel by your side, to help carry the load, … and help He did! *smiles*

As time went on and children grew my lion stage came into full force, picking up from where it had left off in my teens years, always fighting the good fight! This is where eventually the Bear got lost i would say, where He started to fade into the background and one reason why D/s was very good for us.

Through the conversations, tears and screams of making this dynamic work, Bear has become much more the lion. Not just at home but in life. The confidence and strength it takes for a person to stand on their own and do what’s right has grown inside and it shows through very clearly these days. At home, at work, with friends and relatives. I think all can see it now.

As i mentioned in the previous post, this has allowed me to grow into the child stage. (Sounds funny doesn’t it? Grow into a child? *giggle*)

For the record, the ‘child’ that i call Bear, the part that compliments the bunny, peeks through on a very regular basis! *wink*Β  Makes sense i suppose, since the rabbit never seems to run out of energy! *raspberries*

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(That’s the Energizer bunny, in case you’ve been under a rock! not my creation )

Of Nietzsche, BDSM and lil’Rabbits!

I’ve been reading Friedrich Nietzsche and life is affording me some time to explore and play with my kinky side and so i’ve been musing.

Early into “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, Nietzsche has his character go into a monologue about the different incarnations of self … more or less. This concept hasn’t left me since reading about the camel, the lion and the child. So many of the visuals used are the very same as the ones i have used throughout my life, and stages too! Reading it has been like ‘coming home’ in a sense, … but onward! *chuckle*

I’m not going into great detail from the book, i know you can all read it for yourselves if you chose, no need for me to ramble on. I am going to muse on how i see it being so in line with my experience of life so far.Β  πŸ˜€ And, how it ties into my D/s relationship.

The camel being the first stage, the stage where you carry the load of life, do what’s expected and carry on without much thought or worry of self. You take on the challenges around you and deal with whatever crap gets thrown your way, in my case anyway!

Next stage is the lion, the stage of strength and determination. Where you fight the good fight, find your truth and inner strength and learn how to stand on your own two feet, say ‘NO’ when it’s appropriate, fight your dragon! *smirk* yup, he said that! (Some of you might find this as amusing as i do if you’ve followed a while!)

The next and final stage, the child. The child is important and more powerful than the other two but can not come to be without the others first. The child can make everything fresh and new, “is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred ‘Yes’.” The thought finishes with, “the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world.”

This is all very simple paraphrasing and the story goes on much further and deeper.

What i know is the it matches nicely with the stages of life i have been through and the ‘child’ fits well into what D/s has helped me accomplish. Now i’ve said before that i am not ‘little’, i don’t have a regression or age i like to slip into. I do however have my lil’Rabbit, my bunny.

When all is right with my world i easily find myself in an innocent feeling space. It’s an energy that comes naturally and feels fresh and new and allows for new experiences and new memories to be made. Forgiveness perhaps, acceptance definitely and a weightless way of being, of living without fear, shame or worry.

Now just because ‘bunny’ (Nietzsche’s child) is innocent and ‘light’ doesn’t mean it’s not powerful, because you see it has carried the weight of the camel and faught the fight of the lion. It knows it’s own worth and capabilities and has grown beyond even that, to be strong enough to let it all go and ‘live’.

This part of life i don’t know if i would have been able to achieve without first having the safety of knowing that if i let it all go i was doing it in the safety of having Him watch over me. It came to be from the security of His dominance.

So yeah, just musing on a Monday!

 

My sexuality is submissive, my BDSM side is a switch!

Just musing about my sexuality and masochism. My sex drive is on high so of course these ideas are running through my mind.

When i’m sexually charged i’m very much ready to be submissive to Him, like i mentioned before, i do find that being His submissive is very much linked to sex and BDSM. When that’s in place all other ways of serving are on the table as they say.

The other thing i’ve noticed is that my want/idea of what BDSM is and what i need changes depending on my mindset. When i’m sexually charged the ideas running thought my mind are not only masochist but also sexual in nature. Toys and body parts *smirk* that are sexual are involved and so too are sexual parts of my body and orgasms.

When i’m in a more dominant mindset i’m still very much a masochist but the way i want to experience it is different. In this mind space i want more pain, more impact and little to no sexual touching. I want to push limits and see just how far i can push my body …. this is why a good sadist dominant is important.

When in this mindset i need Him to decide when enough i enough and keep a careful eye on my body and reactions. I enjoy pushing myself to the brink, just to prove that i can survive anything i suppose. This was a dangerous game to play when we started and i did realize some time back that i was pushing too far for the WRONG reasons. It was bordering on self harm and that is not healthy BDSM!

I’m not saying that orgasms are off the table when in this space but they are all brought on by pain and impact alone. If you try to touch anything that would normally be considered sexual or effective, i loose it. The “O’ that is ….

In case anyone is wondering, no i am not the slightest bit interested in being the sadist. It really does nothing for me.

Maybe ‘switch’ was misleading! *giggle*

Happy Friday! πŸ˜€

Must have been something in the air, i guess!

First thing i find waiting for me after work is the order.

“I want you bedside and kneeling when I’m out of the shower.”

Humm, okay that’s a nice surprise. I guess He’s beating me to it! LoL Then comes the realization, oh crap! He’s been in there a while already, i better get my butt in gear! *grin*

It was nice to just reconnect even in something so simple, and it was a nice end to my work day and start to my evening with Him. It got a bit more steamy than that ….. but anyway. It was nice just as was.

Then, sometime into our fun, it was getting kind of warm for me since i still had most of my clothes on:

“Take off whatever you want, but the skirt stays on!”

What’s this?!? Is that an ‘order’, does He have a preference? AND He’s telling me how He wants this to go down???

I admit the inner rabbit was doing a few hops and somersaults all the while trying to hurry and not let my eyes bug out of my head! *grin* It’s funny what such a seemingly small thing can accomplish!

And it makes Him really HOT, too! *raspberries*

Still sore and still struggling to make it through the day but my mind is a bit easier and my body slightly more relaxed. Impact play would have been nice but of course that window has closed. Next time i won’t be so foolish!