Today’s mood

My life always sets me in a leadership role. I’ve been busy managing and advocating and helping etc. etc.

Things have happened, changed and now i find myself working full time again. My body doesn’t care for that, it has very quickly reminded me why i had cut back in the first place! *chuckle*

But, life goes on doesn’t it? Time and energy wiped away and the kinky adventures have to wait.

The house is still never our own and now the idea of Bear taking a day off work here and there so that we can enjoy ourselves and ‘play’ has been set aside as well. With me working everyday, there is no opportunity to be grasped. Not that He has shown much interest in all things D/s lately anyway.

It’s still there of course, in the background waiting to come out.  It never shows itself unless there is a major issue which of course with me …. there never is.

Stolen moments are just that, moments …. no more than just a few minutes in time. Just not really enough to sustain this rabbit.

So ‘someday’

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when

i thought i wanted to become D/s …

In the beginning of all this excitement and whirlwind of a journey i thought i wanted to become D/s. i know now that it’s not true!

‘Becoming’ something to me sounds like you are moving in the direction of something that has been predetermined in space and time. Something that has parameters and rules, ways of being.

i’ve always been an ‘outside the box’ sort of person. Trying to fit into something that wasn’t of my mind or soul simply doesn’t work for me. The entire thing feels like putting on a show. That is not who i am.

Trying to ‘be D/s’ always seemed to lead to let downs and frustrations because it simply didn’t work in our life, in our time and schedule etc. It was someone else’s version of how life should be you see, it works for them and where they are in life but you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, can you?? not very well.

So some years ago i decided i no longer wanted to ‘become D/s’, instead i decided that D/s could become part of us! It was no longer about following a set schedule or ways of doing things. It was no longer about chasing a feeling and/or maintaining a mind space.

No more, shoulda, coulda, woulda ….

I think there is a real difference between doing this with someone you live with 24/7 and doing this with someone outside of your home/life.

To me it’s the difference between dating and married. Not trying to be offensive to anyone, just trying for simplicity.

When you go on a date you are ready, you are prepared, you are focused and you are planning on giving your date all of your attention. You dress to impress and you have already prepared yourself mentally for that time together, whatever it is you’re doing. In this case BDSM or D/s activities. If for some reason you are not prepared you cancel or postpone.

When you are married/live together however there is not usually a division between getting stuff done and preparing to be Dom or sub. Yes you can set time aside for these things, plan date nights etc. but truthfully, life tends to grab a hold of a lot of that time and energy. You share all aspects of life which means you are both stressed or overwhelmed AT THE SAME TIME!

A live in partner sees all of you, 24/7, not just your best foot forward like when you are dating, like when you are mentally and physically prepared to be together.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a great amount of connection and closeness/knowledge of your partner in those relationships, i’m just saying that the depth of it all is still different. There are things that come up when you are 24/7 in the same space that just don’t happen when you are not.

We called it rose coloured glasses …. to me that’s what ‘becoming D/s‘ felt like. There was no room for a Master who just wasn’t feeling it today and couldn’t find the energy to Dom.  The idea that i didn’t feel ‘submissive’ today meant that something must be wrong or maybe it wasn’t for me after all …. or worse, we ‘lost it‘.

Even in a 24/7 relationship you go through different thoughts, feelings and emotions. It’s called life.

So no, we didn’t become 24/7 D/s …. it simply became part of us. That differentiation was freeing to me!

 

 

Submission in marriage, less of a commitment?

I ran across this thought and i wanted to address it here, from my point of view. Now it’s not and was not meant as a criticism to any one or any dynamic so i don’t want anyone to look at it that way, simply a question in hopes of understanding.

I believe the idea was that since you will always have the marriage to fall back on the domination and submission is more ‘play’ than real. In the life of those who chose to just be ‘owned’ by a Master or a Mistress with no other ties, is their submission more complete, more real? If the dynamic stops the relationship stops …. or so is the thought.

I can’t speak for everyone only myself of course but i imagine this really does depend on the person and just how far they are willing to go into the dynamic in the first place.

I would imagine that most couples, even married ones who get into this lifestyle do so in hopes of exploring all avenues of depth and emotion. Most of the ones i have been lucky to know have. That said, i personally don’t think many of us could turn back the clock without noticing a very big loss. Especially if you were lucky enough to find your rhythm, your balance, and enjoy the spoils of your labour for a while.

***Now this is just me, so don’t go getting your tail feather in a knot here …. ***

Personally i have always said, even before D/s, that should anything happen to the Bear, i would NEVER look for another relationship, another commitment. I’ve always joked that any sexual urges would be managed by whomever i fancied that day … and

**shhh, no, i don’t want to know your name, and no i don’t want your number ..**

Now, it seems that would fit quite nicely into a dynamic that is D/s or M/s only and nothing more. (don’t get offended, this is my view for my life) I don’t need ‘love’ in order to play around with BDSM and have sex, i really don’t. Once the ‘ownership’ ran it’s course you simply move on to where your new needs can be met.

No paper work, no kids to worry about, no family ties to complicate things. No joint bank accounts or mortgages etc.  And most importantly, no loss of love or marital commitment and all the comes with that.

As to marriage, for myself getting into a deeper area of ourselves and our connection like we have explored with this is not something you can simply tuck away and carry on from without some major side effects. I can’t just move on to the next adventure that will fulfill my needs and help to ease the loss of the first.

Getting into this inside my marriage to me is a bigger commitment than doing so outside of marriage. The repercussions of changing my mind are greater and therefore deserve more serious thought.

Losing a master is one thing, losing a Master, husband, life partner, best friend and father of my children ….. i’ll let you figure that out.

For some of us who get into this deep enough i believe that once you’ve opened pandora’s box you can never really go back. Not without feeling a huge loss.

 

 

Making Soup – A re-blog today from the ‘beginning’, I’m gardening!!

There is something incredibly relaxing and mind calming about making soup for me, or any down home type cooking! Maybe it’s reminiscent of the old movies and the mom in the kitchen while the kids play in the yard. Maybe it’s just because the actions of chopping and peeling and prepping just leave no room for the nastiness of the world to creep in.

Whatever it is that makes my mind calm and relaxed it is really quite the change for me. Well, a change from when I was young, I’ve been finding peace in the kitchen for quite some time now. When I was younger I was so hung up on not being the housewife that I truly couldn’t bring myself to even step foot in the kitchen without having to turn my nose up at something or wear a frown. The idea I was getting from my parent(s) that being a female meant I wasn’t able to care for myself and then secondly that that was my ‘place’ to be cooking and cleaning etc. It was almost like the boys had better things to do but that was where a female was to find their destiny … blah blah blah

It was a shame really, because I really do enjoy cooking and baking and I am quite good (if I do say so myself)! lol It took a lot of self exploration and self acceptance to be comfortable with the fact that yes I am female and yes I DO like to cook darn it! It doesn’t make me any less capable everywhere else and it also doesn’t mean that I am giving in … for me anyway it actually means that I am rebelling! Rebelling against the idea that I had to rebel against being in the kitchen. Wow, what a trip …. So now I do what I want to do, even if that is making soup!

None of this I could have accomplished without the loving support and backup I get from my Sir, long before he was known as Sir! So if I want to kneel for him, or bring Him his slippers or make His coffee then I will! And if I want to be corrected by Him when I am not being all that I can be and all that I want to be, then I can! It doesn’t make me any less ‘liberated’, it actually makes me more! 😀

Love Always my wonderful Sir ❤

 

Working on Your Mindset and Submission

I wrote this 2 1/2 years ago and recent events have brought it back to mind. Some of us I think have been through enough in life that we have learned what is worth ‘sweating’ over and what is not. 

To me being or staying in a positive mind space is a perpetual work in progress. I have been practicing for many years and have found a few simple but effective ways of really working on remaining there and in turn, submissive to Sir.

I find a lot of similarities between things that help me remain submissive and things that help me remain happy in general with life:

  • Don’t sweat the small stuff

I know you have heard it many times, but have you really put it into practice? And what is the small stuff anyway? Well if it’s not detrimental to your physical or emotional well-being then it is probably part of the small stuff. So think, is it really worth getting yourself worked up about? At the end of the day is it really going to change your life so drastically? If not then let it go …

  • Be honest. with yourself and others

A little tough love guys! Is this thing you are worried about really what you say it is? Is someone trying to upset you or make you feel bad or are you just taking it that way? Have you taken the time to figure out what it is you want and communicated it to the other person, or are you expecting them to read your mind and fix ‘it’ for you in some fictional ‘knight in shining armour’ scenario.

  • Be Kind

It takes much more strength and makes you look much better to be a kind generous person than to be hurtful and cruel. You might think that venting your anger is just what you need at that moment but it always makes you feel worse about either yourself or the situation, and normally both. And if you follow the previous two ideas you might find yourself less and less angry/upset all the time.

My experience has long been that most worries and stresses are self-imposed from keeping up with the Jones’ and having to put forth a certain standard to thinking you haven’t met someone else’s expectations. The truth is most people don’t notice you enough or put enough importance in what you are doing to really care.

Whatever they did or didn’t do almost always has nothing to do with you personally, so don’t take it as such. If they are truly trying to get to you well, why are you letting them? You choose who you listen to and who you don’t, so take responsibility for yourself here.

If the person you’re talking about is your loved one then they probably didn’t do it (whatever it is that you have chosen to stress about or get upset about) on purpose. So communicate with them in a calm manner and see what happens. But again, be honest with yourself, you need to know at the very least what the real issue is and preferably what you need in order to fix it before they can even start to help you. Like I said earlier, they can’t read your mind.

All of these things have kept me in a happy, even mind-set which makes remaining submissive so much easier. If anything does happen then the open honest self-reflection and communication helps fix it quickly. Yes it is work but anything worth having is worth the work.

Looking forward to your thoughts Sir!   ❤

 

 

Admiring and Respecting you Sir – With All my Love

I’ve been having some Déjà vu and it’s got me thinking about the path that brought me to where I am now, today in my life and in my relationship with my husband, my Sir. ❤ 

I wrote this in October 2015 after hearing Him say over and over ‘oh, those eyes ….’ *giggle*  He can see when I’m completely lost in Him and this was my explanation of ‘those eyes’.

I finally let my fantasy become my reality because YES, Yes I can have both! 

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I’m happy, truly happy! I feel loved and protected …. I feel safe. I feel like I can trust you I feel like I can count on you.

My heart doesn’t hurt, my head doesn’t ache …..

I admire you and your strength more than you can imagine and I have more respect for you then anyone in this world. You are my ONE, you always have been!

Those are the ‘eyes’ Sir and I only have them for you….. Love Always

Living and Loving Honestly

Some fantasies have thorns ….

Whatever kinky play you decide to get into just remember – your emotions couldn’t care less about what you pretend you’re doing or what new name you’ve decided to give it. At the end of the day, the action speaks for itself … and it speaks volumes to you and your Dominant.

Put the kinky ideals and labels aside – do you still like that thought?

Love You Sir   ❤

 

No Orgasm please.

I know, I know, some of you out there are thinking what?!?! Why would I post something like that, what in the world could I be thinking? Well the truth is that sometimes I really don’t want one … at least not right then! ;D

Image result for cute bunny and marbles

Part of my submission, part of what makes me feel good and fulfilled is being able to be there for Sir. One of these such ways is sexually of course, we are mature, responsible adults in a committed relationship, why would that not be an option?

Besides being there sexually though, sometimes I want to show that I am there JUST for Him, and only His needs not mine. I don’t think that idea is uncommon in this type of relationship, the idea that the dominant gets to take for His/Her pleasure alone but it’s more than that sometimes …. It becomes what I need at times, what I’m craving to provide even if He is not at that moment taking.

Now mind you my view might be different if my situation was different I grant you that. My Sir is extremely generous with allowing me pleasure so it’s not like I would be suffering over this in any way. I certainly get my share of orgasms … (and this is in no way a complaint Sir!!!)

I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes I get so lost in the act of being there for and giving to my Sir that the last thing I am looking for or needing is my own release. Not being allowed to do this for Him and Him only sometimes feels like I have let something really wonderful slip away. I want to show Him my devotion and need to serve in a very physical way that leaves my other needs completely out of it, but alas sometimes Sir has other plans for me. Again, not a complaint just a statement. I very much enjoy doing ‘that’ too.

It’s the giving of that part of myself to Him and ONLY Him with no expectation in return that makes me feel like I can finally show Him just the depth of my submission and my devotion to Him, and to us. In my mind there is nothing more intimate or more personal and that is what I want to give and share with Sir. It’s the deepest, truest and most vulnerable part of me physically depicted with no expectation in return, it’s simply offered as a representation of my feelings of love, trust and devotion.

In case anyone was ever curious, it is also why I don’t write about our sex life in any detail. That type of intimacy to me is reserved for only one.

Love You Always Sir ❤

Climbing the Wall

All fixed … well as all fixed as things can be so quickly when it comes to your mind and your insecurities I suppose.

Sir was not unaware of the problem immediately, He just didn’t know what exactly it was … and I was in the middle of my work day so a deep heart to heart right then was obviously not going to happen, It just was not possible …

The ‘issue’ of course was nothing more than a misunderstanding but I find that my submissive self is so exposed that once something ‘hits’ it is felt deeply, even if my mind knows there is a mistake, the heart takes over and my feelings get hurt. Really hurt, which is what my warrior personality keeps me from in the outside world. With Sir however there is no armor and therefore no rationalization and no defense when it comes to my feelings.

Sir knows this, He knows me well but sometimes things strike that even I am caught off guard by or completely surprised with. If I didn’t know than obviously He had no way of knowing but that doesn’t change the feelings of it unfortunately. The mind knows but the heart does what it will I’m afraid.

Image result for peeking over the wall

The hurt in this case came from a comment/joke that was made just in jest but it hit close to home … so I asked for clarification but my angst was not perceived and therefore the joke repeated. I asked once more because the joke was eluding to the exact opposite of what Sir had just the day before told me was one of the best parts of our dynamic lately … but with everything else going on I guess He just didn’t see it and therefor the joke was maintained, until of course my eyes started to well up …

His demeanor quickly changed from joking to concern but by then my heart was already hurt and my walls were threatening to raise once more. The timing was such as I have already explained and so I had to steel myself to maintain my composure and so my heart followed suit. Anger followed as a defense against hurt, I couldn’t bring myself to look at Him than and so I carried on with my work. (We are not alone so there is no chance in not being noticed.)

Finally by the evening hours when we were able to talk this whole situation was understood by both of us but the joke itself had brought back hurt feeling/walling up for me from 15 years ago. Just these past 3 weeks with my deeper embracing of my submission I had finally started to let that go and finally let every single last wall crumble, until the joke.

So what was it? Well basically my thoughts and feelings and every single uncensored thought, always … about everything but mostly about Sir. The joke was meant as a very vanilla joke about men fearing/hating to have to talk to their wives, basically preferring that they didn’t say so much. Well that is the exact opposite of what I have been doing but it does hit on what Sir more or less said to me 15 years ago, and why I started to take care of me and everything else for Him back then. Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t cruel or anything like that but it was young and busy and two newly weds trying to figure out how to live in the real world and not be heartbroken every time we had to work, so the short and long of it was sounding something like that.

I stopped telling Him I missed Him, I stopped saying I wished He could stay home with me, and I stopped saying I would prefer to spend the entire day in His arms because I didn’t want Him to feel bad or sad or guilty. I stopped talking.

Sir can handle all this emotion now without feeling guilty or sad, He takes it where it’s coming from and He knows I didn’t/don’t expect Him to stay home from work, I just want to know that He would like that too, that’s all! But when He made the joke about me not talking so much, well all this other stuff came up with dukes ready … I know He didn’t mean it that way, but unfortunately all that ‘programming’ doesn’t just get told to leave.

So now I am still trying to be completely open, and honest and real … uncensored – but it’s work now. I have to think and try once more to get back to something that had become natural and well honestly finally a comfort to really and truly be myself once more.

He didn’t mean it, but it happened. I’m not going to let it stop me but I do think it’s worth noting. We have hiccups along the way too but we don’t break from our dynamic we count on it more. I didn’t stop being His, I showed Him my hurt and He didn’t run away, He picked me up and is now carrying me until I can put my feet back down again.

Feelings might not be rational, but they are real and so they are valid.

Love You Always Sir ❤