Of lessons learned.

Since I’m sitting here on my own again, sleeping ‘alone’ again and waiting til the next doctor comes calling or the next time W needs something, I find my mind wandering.

Despite all the twists and turns of our current journey we have still tried to keep up with some of the comforting things we use in our kinky lives. My health issues will often complicate that too … oh joy! Regardless, we often try to revisit things of the past and try to implement them once more, sometimes tweaked and sometimes just try again.

A collar at bed time is one of those things. Bear has a leather collar he likes to use for bedtime and my bunny chain 24/7. My condition will often make it so that I can not regulate my body temperature and I find that even something as small as a collar will cause me to overheat. Last summer it had to come off because I was spending too many hours as a furnace and not sleeping. To be honest I overheat so much that even Bear was being kept awake! Humm,maybe that was 2 summers ago! Yikes!

Anyway, recently after having returned home from the hospital stay Bear decided to start using the collar again, for as long as we could this time. It’s not yet summer weather here so it was a good time to try. That and our minds could really use something calming to focus on at bed time.

We used it for a short while with no real issues but one night I seemed to be having a hard time breathing. Something was making me cough and it felt like my breathing was being restricted. Guess what? It was!

Bear decided that it was time to remove the collar and figure out the details in the morning after a good night sleep, his hope was that it was the collar and not some other issue causing me to choke and gasp for air. I didn’t like it but in the middle of the night, in the dark as he tried to remove the collar it seemed to somehow be stuck. I mentioned I could try since I could feel the where and what and be sure not to make it worse. He agreed and I soon figured out that the rabbit choker had somehow wrapped up and around the leather buckle and end flap … it was twisting in such a way that it was literally strangling me!

Now that was a first!! We’ve had an issue in the past with just a linked chain and that quickly became a no-no for bed or any other unsupervised wear but never with this! Anyway, it was removed and the next day bedtime came and went without much fuss. The rabbit is always on, that is the main ‘collar’ of choice for Bear, that and my cuffs that never leave my body.

I was a bit confused and a bit unsettled I guess you could say, that he hadn’t chosen to try again or try something else. We do have a few options for collars that we have played with along the years. I had hoped he would pick one, but he hadn’t.

The next night came and it was the same scenario. And the next … I half thought about saying something, questioning him BUT I didn’t. Not because he doesn’t like it, he’s never once not answered all my questions and concerns, but because something in me told me I didn’t need to. I shouldn’t really because I figured he would do whatever he felt was best and tell me in his own time.

A few days later when once again getting ready for bed, he undressed me as he always does but before tucking me into bed he brought out a brand new collar he had found. It is black and rounded. A very small profile compared to the others with no hooks or D rings to snag a sleeping rabbit! *smiles*

I am rather proud of myself for not pressing and pushing before he was ready to handle the situation. With all the other stressors in our lives right now it would have been easy to fall into that mindset of pushing and pressing the issues that I want dealt with instead of letting him lead the way.

I’m much happier in this case than I would have been if I pressed him on it anyway. Now, if I can just get back home to wait for him to place it on me again …. *smiles*

Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

Understanding

With time and experience comes understanding I would say. I think I now understand the ebb and flow of it all, for us.

I’ve heard the terms over and over again of course, it’s a common theme if you search those who have been in the lifestyle and together for a long time, like we have. I’ve heard it but I don’t think I quite understood it in regards to our own relationship. I think I do now!

It’s not a failure, it’s not something to be worried over or stress about. It’s just a natural circumstance when you have a ‘real’ life and challenges out there to contend with as well as your BDSM dynamic.

That’s not to say it’s to be ignored, no I’m just suggesting that instead of internalizing it as a failure somehow, I choose to look at it as a pit stop, to take inventory of what I have in my submissive bank and what I need. Then to take steps to fill missing parts through diligence and intention. And most importantly – communication!

Things are looking good here for us, the kids seem to be on track and so are we. How are you all? I’m investing some time each week to post, it helps me to keep in the mindset I need to stay focused on my submission. What do you do to stay in the groove??

Happy Saturday, stay kinky! LoL

In need of a w[h]ine night!

It doesn’t happen often but I do sometimes miss the action and comradery of having a group of like minded people to talk to. In real time ….

I find it helps to keep motivated when it comes to kink and to my submissive journey. This solitary kinky existence leaves us both lacking in motivation and frankly, flat!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Not really sure what to do about that. All past attempts at real time chat, and even pen pals, have fizzled out. My personal energies towards kink have also practically fizzled out. I tend to be the one with the imagination and spark to get things started and when I don’t, it doesn’t ….

Gets to be pretty tiresome I admit. It’s a personality thing with him I know but it would be nice if I wasn’t always the one who needed to add fuel to the proverbial fire.

That is all. 🙂

What a strange summer … and submissive mindfulness.

This summer break has been a really odd one for me. I think things have been odd for many people with the pandemic and all the changes that it has brought! But, that’s not what I’m talking about.

For me, this was to be a ‘back to normal’ summer. Normal in terms of time and holidays and having time to myself! Last summer I ended up having to work because the littles I take care of during the school year had no where to go if their parents were ‘essential’. Sure there were spaces for childcare made by the government but they were few and none here in our town!! :O So instead of taking my summer off I worked.

It was hell on my body and that didn’t help my submission either. By the time the day was done and everyday chores were done so was I! *chuckle* This year I took the summer for myself again.

It’s been a month and a half now and it feels like I haven’t started my holiday yet! Mentally and physically I just don’t feel ‘right’. I don’t feel rested, my body is still struggling to get back to my normal, I’m still not ‘well’. Even with all the distancing and the ‘hibernating’ in the house I still seem to catch a ‘bug’ more often than not. It’s not covid but it still hits me hard due to the hEDS I suppose. My immune system is just not up to the job!! I keep hoping that if I can finally get some rest and back to a regular exercise program I can get my health back ….. but I really don’t know if that will come true.

For now I’m trying to not get down mentally and to enjoy what few minutes I do get but I may be starting to lose that battle. The closer it gets to September and school once more the less I feel like I’m going to have my ‘summer break’ at all. It hasn’t helped our kinky dynamic either. We make plans and have rituals set up and then they need to be changed or stopped due to ‘life’ and illness.

I like to have rules and rituals set up, it helps me to get my mindset right where I like it. It seems to make things feel more real, more intense. When those are more suggestions than rules it gets harder for me to stay focused. It’s not impossible but it certainly is more work mentally!!

I keep going back to mindful submission when I notice that it’s more of a daydream than a settled feeling. I find that the key to my submission is allowing those thoughts and feelings to flow freely inside of me. I try to tap into that well of knowledge that I have gained over the years and I let those thoughts and feelings out.

When I adjust my outlook my perception of the things he does also changes. Domination and leadership doesn’t need to be harsh or loud, it can be understated and subtle. When I pay attention I notice his dominance coming through more, that feeds my submission and so it comes through to him, Then he again notices too … and the cycle continues.

I think that when my submissive thoughts and feelings are flowing freely his dominance is fed and so it too flows more strongly. The reverse is true for me as well. When we are in the heights of our dynamic it happens without notice. When things are a bit quieter for whatever the reason, it takes some effort to tap into but it’s still there.

Submission is a choice, it’s up to me to chose to let it flow. To continue the cycle …

Not invested, I suppose.

It’s been some time since I’ve really had the need or want to blog here. Bear stopped reading a couple years back and with no real interaction with my readers, well I got bored.

There is plenty of traffic on the site but just no comments which leaves me feeling rather talked out! I started this site back in 2015 and I have covered pretty much all there is that I am willing to share. Pretty much …. *smiles*

I could go back and reread my posts, add things that I have changed in or matured about but I just don’t have the inspiration to do so. Well, not till now anyway. I’ve started speaking to someone who is reading old blog posts of mine, yikes! LoL It’s got me thinking ‘what in the world did I write back then? I sure hope he’s not reading a rant!” *chuckle* Hopefully if there is something a bit off the wall he will ask.

Like I mentioned, Bear stopped reading the posts some time ago. It’s not because he’s not invested in the dynamic it’s just because that’s not the way he learns or shares information! Writing/reading is MY thing not his. Part of succeeding in this dynamic is learning and accepting the methods of the other person and working together for a common goal.

I still write to set things straight in my head and then I find a good time to approach him to talk. He doesn’t put me off, he sits and makes the time to listen. I try to remember to do just a few thoughts at a time because that’s what he prefers but I admit it can be difficult! lol He likes to sit and digest the information before moving forward … there is nothing wrong with that, it’s very much one of the best ways to approach things. I just happen to run a bit faster up in here! *chuckle* One of the reasons why I need BDSM to relax this head of mine.

I’m not entirely sure where I was going with this post, a bit of a ramble I guess. I’ve given up on labels and such. If you’ve followed for a while you already know I try not to use them any but if I had to I’d say we are very much into an M/s type relationship these days.

I think it’s where we were always heading it just took time to get comfortable in our roles. That’s a lot of responsibility and patience on both parts to get here, or so that is my opinion. Rushing things a few times over the years just became overwhelming to both of us so we learned to slow down. Now it just happens.

So, how are you all doing?

~n

Kink or self-harm?

A personal reflection.

I think it’s important to be honest with oneself when practicing certain kinky activities. I have just had to reflect on this topic and I admit that when you are in the midst of subspace it can be hard to tell the difference or perhaps more accurately, admit the difference.

Our kinky life has been taken up a notch, or okay many notches as of late and it has been a wonderful enhancement to our every day life. It has also allowed me to fall deeper into an almost constant subspace. Unfortunately, one of these kinky activities had started to cause some major physical discomfort.

As a masochist the idea of ‘suffering’ for my Dom is a huge appeal however there is a time when the suffering goes from kinky to unsafe or harmful to self.

I’ll spare you the details of the actual kinky activity but as much as my submissive self wanted to continue and please and well, suffer (in a consensual and masochistic way), my adult and responsible self knew it was time to take a break!

In my view kink should not cause real damage to your mind or body. Having also been one to use self harm in the past to deal with my issues I can assure you that there is a very real difference!

So I used my safewords. It’s a very real way for Bear to know the difference between being in the moment, and being in peril. The activity is for now at a full stop, as much as my submissive self might want to continue my reason tells me I should not.

Bear would never allow me to anyway, not now that He knows ….. There will be assessment and evaluation I’m sure and if we do continue in any capacity with this kink it will be well monitored by Him. 🙂

Kink is a fun and healthy expression of self.

Harming oneself is not. Be mindful out there friends.

Doing the math!

I’m finally on summer break! Whew …. it’s been a long time coming. The Covid 19 crises has rearranged my life quite drastically, as with most of you too I’m sure. Before the pandemic hit I had worked myself into a nice and comfortable work schedule that allowed plenty of time for me to focus on my health, physical and mental.

Daily workouts, stretching and some weights along with research of my condition and the best way to cope. Days that were rough I was able to take it easy. Rest when needed or just simply ‘skip’ whatever it was that I was hoping to accomplish on my ‘off’ hours.

In our relationship I had time to focus, think, plan and act to make things as close as possible to our ‘perfect’. Kink was still a work in progress in regards to impact play but after so many years of having to adjust and regroup, we were getting pretty good at finding ways and alternative kinks to keep us balanced.

Then it hit, everything shut down but for me it got BUSY! Every time we have had a lockdown I go from working a couple of hours in the morning and 2 or 3 in the afternoon to working 10+ hours per day. Yeah, it was a big challenge at the best of times to find time, energy or focus to invest in D/s or M/s.

Neither of us was enjoying it. We kept our heads above water and life carried on but there was no doubt that we wanted more, much more from our dynamic than what we were getting. All of these hours of work also took a huge tole on my body. *sigh* So now I start again.

As I mentioned earlier, this year will be about taking care of me – but I’ve also realized (some time now) that A+B=C. When I get to be his slut, his slave, his whore, when he uses me properly and pushes me into subspace …. I feel better. I mean I feel more in control! LoL I know, funny bunny right?

It’s true, the more I get what I need from this, from Him, the more I in turn want to take care of me too. Sure it’s part to do with being his and serving him BUT it also sparks the flame in me to also take care of me. I’m more confident, more balanced and more determined. With my chronic condition – trust me that’s a major bonus!

Anywho, I’m back and I’m hoping to be back more often. I have a lot of catching up to do with all of you I know. If I comment on old posts, it’s just me getting up to speed! If you’ve since moved on just ignore me! LoL I don’t know if this blog will have a different feel, it has been a long time. If you feel chatty, reach out and if not be well!

Finding moments where we can.

We’re still in lockdown, I’m still working more than I should be because of it. Time is short, energy levels are low! We have plenty of things we’d like to do but we just haven’t been able to do them. Same as most of you I’m sure!

We are sneaking in sexy time when we can, taking advantage of every moment. Is it enough? No, not really, but it’s something. It’s a way to try to stay connected until the hours we do get to play.

On the home front, things are still good. I can’t say that a D/s dynamic is overly intense but then outside of kink and sexy times it never has been much of a change in my life/relationship. I think that’s what makes it harder to notice when we can’t kink it up or enjoy impact play.

Let me explain, attitudes, manners and dedicated couple time has never been an issue we needed to address. Communication and respect for one another has been with us since the beginning, the real change came in the form of BDSM and kink.

It’s our connection, our respite and our method of recharging …. and we miss it when we can’t.

Looks like lockdown isn’t going anywhere just yet and so it will be more then the 3 weeks I had first mentioned before I might get back here more regularly.

Hope you are all keeping well! ❤

This year, I’m taking care of *me*.

I don’t read much by way of ‘lifestyle’ blogs/posts so I can’t say that this isn’t out there, but it is something I haven’t seen much of and so I thought I’d put some of these thoughts ‘here’ and out of my head!

I remember originally searching and finding (or trying to) like minded people to share ideas with and information. I remember much of what we discussed, what the different ideas were and how it all seemed connected in one way or another. It was nice to have that circle to turn to but it did eventually make one thing pretty obvious. There was blog after blog about how to take care of your dom/me but nothing really about how to take care of you, the submissive.

It seems that when starting out in this exciting and all encompassing world of D/s ‘how to be a good submissive’ is a very widely sought after course! Kinky ideas are usually pretty easy to find, spanking videos and how-to’s are a dime a dozen and ‘letting go of all control’ memes would lead you to believe that if you just do it ‘right’ all your problems will soon be a thing of the past! *chuckle*

Raise your hand if you have found that to be true … please, anyone. Raise your hand, don’t be shy …. *wink*

I don’t think it takes too long for even the most optimistic of us to realize that that is simply not true! D/s (or whatever dynamic you chose) is a great addition to a relationship, a healthy relationship, and can even help to provide tools for a relationship that is perhaps in need of a nudge.

It does not however, provide a cure all and it does not make it so that things and situations don’t creep back up from time to time. Whether the issues are personal or from outside the relationship – life will go on. I mean, I have thought of getting onto a secluded island or a cabin in the woods! The latter being more my style anyway, but I have yet to make that dream a reality.

Alas, what I wish I had seen more of was information on the importance of self care, the importance of taking time to recharge and the importance of realizing/knowing that that too is part of submission.

I’m not saying I never ran into a post, or two, that covered this topic because I did. I just wish it was something more in the forefront, more pronounced. Almost like a prerequisite to entering the ‘school of submission’.

What I have seen is too many run into less than ideal situations because they didn’t realize that you can and as a matter of fact NEED TO take care of yourself first if you want to be good at whatever it is you have decided to pursue. Secondly, it’s not your dominant’s job to take care of you, not like this. As an adult you have a responsibility for yourself.

Yes, a dominant will always do their best (or at least they should strive to I would think) to take care of any issues that arise and that they can identify but they are neither god nor a mind reader. Even if they could see it coming quite frankly it’s unrealistic and unfair to believe they will be able to spot and ‘fix’ all of life’s trials and troubles.

These relationships require consent and that can only be given by rational, reasonable adults. As such we need to understand that we are still ultimately in charge of and responsible for our own lives. D/s doesn’t change that,….

It does give us a shoulder to lean on and perhaps, if we are really lucky, someone to carry the load for a while until we get back to ourselves.

It does give us a closeness and connection that may often confuse those not in the know.

It does give us a soft place to fall (or kneel) when we just can’t seem to find the strength to keep standing.

It does not however take the place of ‘real life’. It simply enhances it.

It does not take away our responsibility for ourselves, either. So yes, this year I’m taking care of me. I’m not sure if I’d give myself that privilege if not for the strength and support of the Bear, that much I can say. It was however something I had to rationalize and set for myself.

He’s the Dom, he ‘signed off’ which I knew he would because after all – It is his job to take care of me, right?? LoL

Why is it we complicate things so? He’s made me take care of me more and so I have been able to set time and space to do so. Now, I know what I need, why does he have to figure that out too in order for it to be ‘real D/s’ and not leading or some other dumb sh*t?

Remember that ‘rule’ in school …

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Silly!