vanilla crashes into M/s; or, my damn body again ….

i’ve often written about how my body likes to betray me and how it’s a real ‘kink’ in our kink! 😛

i wasn’t sure if i was really getting the idea across very well and since i have recently started sharing some pictures, well, i got an idea! to share just what i’m talking about with some help from a camera!

i have talked about how my knees, elbows, ankles and well – ALL my joints are subject to a flare in one way or another …. so THIS is the type of thing i mean.

i showered yesterday after doing chores and before work, about 1 pm. my knee looked fine although it has been very sore for a while now.

when Master went to undress me after work, about 6:30 ish THIS is what i found. now, you would think that if you smashed into something that good, it would be, or should be, memorable. NOPE, nothing that i can think of except that it is the knee that bothers me the most and it has been quite the pain in the rear for over a month now.

i have similar marks on my elbow that reach from one side of the joint to the other and my ankles as well. thankfully the ankle is much smaller of a mark – for now! it hurts me just to try to move around under the covers – i know – such heavy things like sheets and blankets do normally cause pain and bruising, right?!?! (excuse my sarcasm but i am rather frustrated lately.)

when my body goes into flares that carry on and on eventually EVERYTHING hurts, all the time with no relief. my hands swell up, my fingers also have magical bruises and they basically stop working and start shaking and dropping everything i try to grab and hold.

it’s not a wonder i get grumpy i suppose and when Bear is less than on the ball with His corrections and expectations – things just get worse.

so yeah, all of this did eventually cumulate in a punishment for me and although my body still hurts, my mind is slightly less irritated.

TGIF ❤ n

where is my cookie monster?!?

i thought i had found him, a short while ago. i thought so because i have known him to change blogs and change direction in the past. i have always somehow found him again and we have always reconnected. NO, not in a romantic way but in a playful, banter coming together over our love of words and D/s type way.

i haven’t seen the real cookie monster in a while.

when i found this new blog, or more correctly he found me, i thought perhaps it was the one. i thought so because it had been a long while and cookie monster always wrote short stories and poems. i never read the stories (i just generally don’t) but i did indulge in the poems.

this new person was doing the same, stories – poems – and the occasional opinion piece. just like CM!

the familiarity in his tone when speaking to me on here made me wonder … until he went from just friendly and maybe slightly flirty, to – well, in my opinion – rude.

anyone who knows the ropes knows that you don’t just start using certain words or phrases with someone else’s submissive. they also know that creating connections as a dominant should be with integrity and honour. you don’t assume you can take liberties. also, if a submissive tells you a thing that is troubling, you don’t tease or gloat – OR if you do, then you first privately seek out the Master to make sure it’s okay and appropriate – do you not?!?!

my ‘bunny sense’ (like spidey sense 😛 ) had already been going off before hand but after this the whole thing started to feel cheap and void of good character. turns out i was right ….

i know that there has been a loss unfortunately to many of you here in the D/s blogasphere, i know it can be very hurtful and a long process to heal from – ME, i’m just annoyed.

i’m not hurt because i just had a feeling that warned me, i’m not angry because i simply didn’t care enough (like i said, bunny sense) i am annoyed because he made me think i found and old friend when all i really found was a fool.

i know some of you are hurting, i think you hurt because of the loss – yes. i also think you hurt because of the betrayal. you – we – have all been taken advantage of in one way or another and this is NOT what our community stands for.

CONSENT in all forms must be given, freely, or it is a betrayal.

so no i don’t miss this mystery man, i also don’t excuse or forgive this mystery man. if you are thinking of being one like him – piss off! ‘you‘ give the rest of us a bad name – THAT does piss me off.

i know a few good, honest, decent dominant men on here with very large hearts full of integrity and kindness.

i DO miss my Cookie Monster – so if you’ve seen him – tell him i say hello! 🙂

❤ n

submission often means …

i felt it fitting since i know that the beginning for most of is is very hard because we don’t know HOW to wait patiently. we think we are, but we are not.

once that becomes organic (as another writer mentioned) than i find things become easier and flow may still ebb but the frustration and disappointment is not there.

another good point is the ‘vox’ as another friend has written, we need BOTH of these things in order to make these relationships truly special!

at least that is my opinion!

happy sunday, friends!

❤ n

our M/s and the world around us

it was a good question asked by a new friend and also fits into the idea of writing about the daily things that keep us connected mentioned by an old friend, so here i am.

Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

things that happen daily that can be done in plain site are a strong connector.

  • i don’t order for myself if we happen to go out to dinner, Master does. He always asks me what i would like, if i have a preference that day but He orders.
  • it’s very rare for me to go anywhere without Him if He is home. He drives, opens the door for me to get into the car or truck and opens the door for me to get out. i wait patiently until He does so.
  • most doors now are automatic but if they are not i wait until He opens the door and let’s me in or out …
  • lately He has had me wear an anal plug almost 24/7 assuming it doesn’t cause issues with any of my chronic conditions
  • i always wear the small metal cuffs and my bunny necklace, had to remove them in December for medical testing – that was very weird and odd feeling – to BOTH of us
  • at bed time He adds leather cuffs to my wrists and a leather collar as well
  • i don’t purchase anything unless He has approved it, i did this naturally as soon as we got married, years before discovering D/s – He’s finally figured out why we would go shopping and i would come home empty handed – He hadn’t given me the OK!
  • i am not allowed to undress myself, if Master is home He does it for me. i may ask if something happens and i need to change, almost always He follows me up to the bedroom and undresses me
  • i never shower alone if Master is home, i wait until He is ready and we shower together – this too we started long before we were married even 26 yrs and counting!
  • i don’t start eating until He has sat down and started Himself unless He tells me otherwise
  • i have a daily tasks list to keep me in check and make sure the house is tidy and well maintained (this was mainly for my sake, i asked. i can sometimes get brain fog leaving me walking from room to room trying to figure out what to do. also, i can get too caught up in all the things that need doing, OVER do it, and hurt myself.)
  • i have been once again practicing daily, or almost daily, kneeling time. it helps me to have this routine even if it is only 10 minutes. naked, with blindfold, nipple clamps, cuffs and collar, ball gag and my new meditation bench! this is a game changer, my bad knees and back don’t always want to cooperate but this little thing makes it so much easier and comfortable!
  • i prepare His coffee the night before so it will be ready for morning, meals etc too of course

i’m not sure if i have anything else right now that i can think of, most of these things have been going on for so long they are just natural.

He has access to my body at any time of course but He is always reasonable and keeps my well being at the forefront before making these decisions.

do you have anything you do that i have missed? anything you would like to ask about perhaps??

❤ n

triggered rabbits listen to music – yes, it’s my main way of staying … with my music

Comfortably Numb

Pink Floyd

Hello?
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone home?

Come on now
I hear you’re feeling down
Well, I can ease your pain
And get you on your feet again

Relax
I’ll need some information first
Just the basic facts
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child, I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I’ve got that feeling once again
I can’t explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb

I have become comfortably numb

Okay
Just a little pinprick
There’ll be no more
But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working, good
That’ll keep you going through the show
Come on, it’s time to go

There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move, but I can’t hear what you’re saying
When I was a child, I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look, but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb

Songwriters: David Jon Gilmour, George Roger Waters. For non-commercial use only.

Going to try to stay out of this mindset this week. Happy Sunday, friends. Hope you enjoyed your weekends 🙂

❤ n

Don’t romanticize violence!

triggered rabbit – rant ahead. I could have put this on the other blog site where it belongs too but this one has a greater audience and this is too important. D/s, M/s and BDSM is NOT abuse. It requires consent, period!

I suppose your view on this is highly dependent on where you come from, how you were raised and your experiences in life. I have seen and heard this same nonsense over the years and it always triggers me. *argh*

You, any of you, regardless of what you consider yourself – DO NOT have the right to hit/spank, call it whatever the hell you want, a woman – or anyone! They did something you consider a punishable offence? Too damn bad, without consent you don’t have the right. Period.

I come from a long line of abuse and men who thought they were right and they had the right. NOPE. What if your view on ‘right’ isn’t the only way. What if you end up causing trauma to that person because you didn’t know how to control yourself, how to pick a better method of giving repercussions, of making your views known. Violence is physically, mentally and emotionally traumatizing. Even a small amount of violence can send someone down a spiral, so no, it’s not okay. It’s never okay.

Now to the ladies, the ones who think they would ‘love’ to have that in their lives. The idea of being accountable in this way makes you swoon. Even against your will, you romanticize it and think it would be a wonderful relationship – be it husband, father, brother etc. Well guess what, you do consent. In kink it’s called consensual non-consent. The basic fact that you think it not only okay but preferable means you consent even if you don’t view it as such.

Do you know what happens to kids, people, women who truly don’t consent? We have nightmares. We think up plots of murdering our assailants. We grow up mistrustful of people and some never learn how to have meaningful, fulfilling relationships in their lives. We cocoon ourselves in our own heads and some of us even start to dabble in self harm because we have so much rage inside that it needs to come out somehow.

The physical injures can heal, the mental and emotional ones don’t always.

For the record, no I don’t believe in disciplining children in this fashion either.

Yes maybe you were spanked as a child and turned out just fine. Great. Not everyone responds that way and you won’t know it until it’s too late. Secondly, seeing someone behave in this way, responsibly *cringe* (I don’t agree but for the sake of the argument of some,) can also give permission to those who will behave with much more adjure. Abuse.

Yes I live a relationship of M/s, BDSM and even DD – BUT – it is consensual. When it comes to the aspect of DD, spanking or other repercussions are done in a manner that it is atonement and forgiveness. It allows us both to move on without having guilt hanging over (mainly my head) for long periods of time.

Hitting someone to ‘teach them a lesson’ in my opinion is lazy and often not effective anyway. Like I mentioned before, if you think it would work for you than you are in effect consenting. Without consent everything else is abuse will cause harm and will end poorly.

I had an old boyfriend raise his hand to me once. I looked him straight in the face and I told him if he did he better make it worthwhile – because the first chance I had I was going to kill him. He started off grinning until I told him ‘ you need to sleep sometime you son of a bitch’. Needless to say he put his hand down and the relationship ended.

Rant over.

protected

there is something about getting into M/s that gives me a feeling of being well protected!

NO i don’t need to be, i am quite capable of taking care of myself. many of you who have been around a while have already seen that a time or two over the years! lol it is nice however to know i don’t NEED to be that rough and tough warrior all the time.

i don’t make friends easily and i don’t have too many .,… but the ones i do have are normally more than happy to protect – i mustn’t be that bad after all! *grin*

W has spiked a fever – looks like i’ll be getting that Rx after all.

with all the other things i need to worry about – it’s nice to have dominants in my life who like to protect me. yes i am rather independent and strong. i tend to be the dominant in every room – unless Master is there of course! *smirk* but, it is nice to let go in some instances – this IS my feminism talking, i get to choose, i choose this 🙂

i grew up with men who thought they were dominant – they were just domineering, never got my respect let alone submission – so i learned to fight.

M/s has taught me that i don’t have to fight. i like that. it’s not that i can’t, it’s that i don’t have to. i’ve been talking to a certain beagle again, he’s got me thinking. i like writing and i like my other blog because it’s more about the fun and kinky stuff BUT it is important to know how to get to that point. a certain beagle also mentioned that not many write about the small, everyday things that make up the whole.

perhaps i will write here after all – it’s just likely going to be less formal than before.

thanks for reading my mental ‘download’ lol eyes are doing okay with the drops. W is my current worry. i’m sure he’ll be fine, right? i can’t deny that this fever/sick thing is a bit triggering … deep breath, i’ll be fine. perhaps i will tell you all about my meditation bench here, too. i think it will come in handy today …

tonight – tonight i think i want, no, need this ..

happy hump day, friends!

❤ n

another day

… another couple holes in the head! lol

just when i thought i was done here i suddenly find things to update! isn’t that always the way?

i’ve had to have my eyes re-done, just this afternoon so … they hurt like hell but hopefully it will work this time. too much pressure, not draining properly, threat of glaucoma – all fun stuff! with any luck i’ll finally be able to cross one thing off the list of things that ail me!

until then i’ll leave you with a very short post and some amusement!

❤ n

What to do, what to do?

I’m thinking of giving up on this blog. I’ve found myself much more interested in my other adventure and I’ve found myself needing to step back from the advice type posts and onto the feeling and submissive energy type posts.

Those I write on my other blog because on my other blog I switch from I to i … everything there is lowercase, everything but He and Him and Bear etc. The names of others i write as i see them appear and the posts are all more, umm … not sure how to describe them i guess. more in the spirit of where my head and heart lie and where i need to be to rest from the craziness of the last few years!

i guess that’s it really.

the stress and overwhelming news of the last few years, in many areas of my life, had made me – and Bear – dive deeper into D/s. we switched into more of an M/s life. one i think i had wanted since the beginning but there’s that word again – patience. i had to wait until Bear was ready to take us there.

the last two years have seen us there – you may have noticed that there has been very little activity here, especially if you’ve been with me since the start!

so here lies the question, what to do with this blog site? humm … anyone even here? lol