The wonderful world of spankings!

There are so many different spankings and so many reasons why! If you have no experience in this you may think we are all just kinky, or out of our minds! LoL I promise you that is not necessarily the case.

Now, I’m not talking about the harsh, aggressive things you find online when you go looking for spanking videos – No I mean that there are so many other forms of engaging in a spanking ritual that I’d be writing you a book if I tried to cover them all. So with that in mind remember that I am only talking about a few ideas here and that it varies from person to person, just like everything else in this lifestyle.

Reset Spankings: used by many when they feel their dynamic has gotten a bit off track. It is a way of reaffirming the commitment to the lifestyle we have chosen and a physical catalyst to a new beginning. From my searching and personal experience these are normally a bit on the harsher side. Not angry or aggressive, just more intense as both parties need to release the old and begin fresh.

‘Harsher’ is of course relative, as will be any of these terms – as a masochist my idea of harsh may well be different from yours. It’s not about copying what you’ve seen, it’s about finding your own ruler to measure by.

Maintenance Spankings: used to keep a certain energy level flowing. It’s not about restarting anything it’s about staying the course and will normally be set to a schedule. Many of us who enjoy impact play/spankings already know that there is a certain feel about doing it and doing it right that seems to keep us happy. Content, in the everyday regardless of what stressors we have around us. The level of intensity really does depend on you, the person accepting the spanking. Some need a more intense session while others are well served with a moderate, almost massage like quality/feel to the entire event!

I know, you’re think that the rabbit has finally lost all her marbles!! To equate a spanking to a massage! LoL Seriously though, have you never had the experience when the rhythm and intensity is such that you start to melt away into a very comfortable, relaxed calm?? If you haven’t, you should try it out …

Stress Relief Spankings: unlike maintenance which will often be scheduled, spankings for stress relief will be used whenever one – or both parties – needs a spanking. For any reason really, besides fun. I say both parties here because despite the fact that most of use will think of only the submissive needing a spanking, I believe that dominants will too, sometimes.

No, I’m not talking about switching, where the dominant allows the submissive to ‘top’ them for some stress relief of their own. This too can happen but sticking to just submissive spankings here, what I mean is that spanking releases stress from both sides. The dominant as well as the submissive can reap the benefits of a spanking well done, not just the receiver.

I’m sure you can all imagine the look I got when I first told The Bear that I thought He needed a spanking session!! 😛 *smirk*

However, I do think that there are times that he, just like me, gets to be a bit too stressed out and taking it out on my backside, for HIS benefit, is also a thing.

All of these things work well and there are many reasons why they do but it always boils down to a release of chemicals that causes you to relax and rejuvenate so that you may come back at least a bit better to carry on whatever it is that is happening in your world.

We have used spankings for stress relief for a very long time. We don’t get to now due to privacy issues and so we have been using the other methods I have written about in the maintaining the D/s posts. We find these to be useful not only after a stressful even but also BEFORE! If I know that something is going to take all my might NOT to react poorly than I will ask for something before the event.

In general, spankings can be used for whatever you think might be helpful to you. The length, intensity and ritual you use will be unique. The most important ingredient to make it work is as always, communication.

Communication in spanking: It sounds odd to some of us that the submissive partner has the right to, and NEEDS to communicate about when and how a spanking needs to be done. My experience has been that the more communication there is the more effective the act and the better the dynamic over all.

It’s hard sometimes as a submissive to come to terms with the fact that our dominants are not mind readers and neither do they need to be. We all know this of course but when it comes to speaking up and asking for what we need and want, we seem to freeze up!

It’s a tail *wink* as old as time. It’s not leading, it’s not topping, it’s not weird and it’s most certainly not wrong to communicate thoughts and feelings to your dominant. They do get to make the decision of what actually happens after all, that’s the ‘dom’ part in this, not you asking.

Do you remember when you read all those posts that said submission is hard? This, this is that hard part. It’s the asking, it’s the getting past our discomfort and negative self talk that tries to talk us out of speaking up. It’s the uncertainty and insecurity that can creep up – it’s the vulnerability of putting it out there in the open.

That’s submission – or at least part of it.

You get the reason for the spanking in your minds and then you start – faster, slower, harder … too hard! slow it down or ramp it up. A different position perhaps or a different tool. These are all things we have discussed during a spanking! yes, during, because the point was to practice and see what feels right for the outcome we want and what doesn’t work.

We always know when the discussion is over because I melt into Him, words fall away and we become one. One in the journey to the life and dynamic we want. Then we hope we weren’t too distracted to remember all the ‘tweaks’ we made for the next time! *giggle*

We progressed from spankings to S&M, it accomplishes the same goal for me in a much deeper sense. That’s why we can get addicted to subspace. Just like spankings are not always about sex, neither is BDSM.

This is only scratching the surface, I know, so feel free to drop a comment and add to the conversation!

The hardest part(s) about a D/s relationship.

I’m thinking back on the things I’ve had to come to terms with over the years. The years of trying to figure out where I fit in this land of BDSM and D/s. I keep coming back to the same conclusion …. I don’t! *chuckle*

That’s fine, don’t feel sorry for me, I don’t. I’ve never been one to want to fit in, why start now? I’m being a bit cheeky here but I think it’s true. I really don’t fit in to what is on the internet, what is in those chat groups and online forums etc.

I can’t even begin to imagine trying to navigate those things in hopes of beginning a power exchange relationship of any sort at this point in my life. I recently began following a dominant here on WP and from what I see on his site, not much has changed from when I gave up on trying to join in and have a community to chat with in regards to lifestyle ideas, challenges and what have you.

I didn’t find my husband by trying to find a partner in a ‘group’ and I don’t believe I would do that now either. I looked for someone I could stand to be around when nothing was going on and no one else was there. Someone I could be quiet with and still sit in comfort.

I also wanted someone I could talk to, say what I wanted to say, what I meant, what was in my head. (And there is always a lot in my head!! LoL) It was only after that connection that everything else came to be.

So yes, the hardest part of beginning this power dynamic of ours was just figuring out that everyone else’s ideas were just that, ideas. When it comes to your relationship there is no ‘police’ that is going to come and get you and take you away for not doing it ‘right’.

That said, if it doesn’t feel right to you – on either side of the slash – speak up. If your partner can’t sit and listen and try to figure it out with you, they are likely not worth your energy and time. No matter what title or label they go by, if they can’t respect you and your needs …. you best take a good hard look at whether or not you really want to stay.

This is an old idea and some of you veterans on my site have heard me say it before – if this dynamic you find yourself in is bringing you more hurt and sadness than it is joy and strength, why are you putting up with that? You’re worth more …

If it makes you happy however, then fight to keep it! Being on one side or the other of this ‘slash’ does not absolve you from responsibility in fueling and maintaining the energy that you both (or all) want and enjoy.

I have found that my personal mindset and attitude have much more to do with my submission than anything he could ever do. Yes he has a responsibility here too, he is responsible for his own mindset and attitude.

I don’t blame him (or at least I try very hard not to – I’m human and slip from time to time but I try to keep my little bunny butt on track!) and he doesn’t blame me. We are adults in a consensual adult relationship, regardless of dynamic, and we are both in charge of making it work.

So I guess there isn’t just one hard part! LoL This relationship is work, just like any other and it takes effort. It doesn’t always feel D/s in the super hyper kinky energy that we all like, but it doesn’t mean it’s gone either. It doesn’t have to be ‘on’ all the time because in my life at least, there are way too many other things that need doing that simply can not be pushed aside.

So that’s another hard fact I had to swallow, I’m not going to always feel the submissive pull that gets me in a haze – and that’s just got to be okay. The alternative is that I feel somehow adrift searching for something that just can’t be, not every second of every day. It’s not realistic.

I think that when you put this relationship into a 24/7/365 aspect you need to understand that you do drift from one personality trait to another depending on need and circumstance.

For me the thing that makes it real is that any time I need to stop and kneel in front of Him, he responds in kind. Without fail. Everytime.

And when He calls on me, I do the same …..

Happy Monday friends! Hope life finds you well, hope my meandering brain has brought you some entertainment, and perhaps caused you to pause and think. *smiles*

He’s a Man

I love Him dearly – I love Him to bits!! And, He drives me crazy!!

He drives me crazy for the same reasons I love Him to bits … he’s a man! (I’m not interested in comments about gender and fluency etc. Bear is a man, identifies as such and is quite happy to be one … so let it go, K??)

His communication style is very ‘man’ like. If you don’t know what I mean than this is likely not the blog for you … sorry. If you do know what I mean, well YOU KNOW what I mean! Argh!

All that said, if I really want to be His submissive than I need to stop focusing on what it is I think He should say, or do, or ‘word it like’ … and just simply take what He says either at face value or at what I’m pretty sure He means.

If I’m not sure I need to just ask – and not turn it into a ‘thing’ that then becomes an issue and then a problem etc. You see where I’m going don’t you?

We communicate differently and when we do it can become hard for me to merge that idea in my head with the reality that is. If I put the fantasy and emotion out of the equation – the truth is I know what He means, and doesn’t mean. I’ve known Him 25+ years now and I know Him better than anyone.

So why lean into the negative story that only wants trouble when I know He simply didn’t tell me the way I was expecting? (Ah, expectations – the angst of all submissives, right??).

When I’m deeper into -sub mindset- it’s harder to be rational, that’s why. When I’m not, I have a choice. I chose to go with what I know of Him and not start anything by way of trouble. The world has plenty of that – I prefer happy!

Sorry for the ramble, just getting my feet wet again with words! *wink*

Two week trial

Part of our dynamic involves constant exploration, why not? Sometimes it’s sex and kink that we put a trial period on and sometimes it’s more. Like an idea or feeling that we are trying to capture with rituals and rules to help create – whatever it is we are after!

We are going to start just that again now. As I’ve written, things are a bit bland in our kinky life and we both are craving something more deliberate, more intense. We’ve sat down a few times over the past week to brainstorm together about what feeling it is we want to achieve and what triggers we have that help us do just that.

I crave a more intense BDSM aspect to my dynamic, Bear does too I think, but noise and lack of privacy are still very much a problem! My son’s mental health is no longer an issue (thankfully) but Covid has made it that we are NEVER alone! LoL Much like many of you I’m sure! That means that the things we are trying out are not necessarily exactly what we would like our dynamic to look like, but they are hopefully good enough for now.

There is no such thing as ‘perfect’, we put that notion aside long ago so we could focus on simply being happy! So we’ll start a 2 weeks trial period on a few ideas and see where it takes us. We want only a few changes right now, not a whole list all at once. Too much, too fast is just not the way to find a rhythm that works for us. It gets complicated and a bit too frenzied to really understand and appreciate the implications and if it’s something we want to keep or toss!

The thought is that 2 weeks is just long enough to see if it’s do-able, if it’s effective, or if it’s simply too much or doesn’t work on the psyche the way we hope. There will be no changes or backing out, or adding to during the 2 weeks. Changes will be made afterwards in order to give things a real chance! Of course – if it’s obvious that something is a ‘hard no’ for either of us than it will be reassessed and stopped, or whatever the appropriate measure.

So wish me luck! ❤

Distracted

I hate the feeling of seemingly running from side to side, trying to figure out what it is I am supposed to do next, or want to do next. The organized, deliberate side of me gets really irritated- annoyed – twitchy!

Funny enough this is the side effect of too much ‘vanilla’ in my life.

I get off center and in turn, distracted. My mind is running races in there and I’m struggling to get any one thing done to my liking. Frazzled …

I kind of ‘wake’ from this haze on my knees, normally in the sunshine coming in through my bedroom window.

No, He isn’t here – it’s not kinky. It’s muscle memory I guess, reaching for what I know calms the rabbit!

No, it’s not all roses all the time …. life. Oh well. *smiles* All is still great BTW, no need to worry. Just a bit too vanilla right now.

Happy Friday ❤

Maintaining that D/s connection. pt.3

Not everything we do to experience dominance and submission is sexual. As a matter of fact I would say that the majority is not. Likely, the most prominent parts of dominance and submission in my life are NOT sexy or sexual.

I’m kinky and I’m sexual, I’ve never had to be talked into that! *chuckle* I’m monogamous and never was promiscuous (not a judgement, just a reference) but I’m more than happy to engage in and even initiate with my partner. So all that kinky stuff you read about is fun but not really a challenge for me.

The challenge is submitting to taking care – of me! Because of real life, today’s acts of dominance and submission are simple. ‘Don’t do anything, rest!’ UGH – Wanna talk about submission and ‘training’ … this is my true test!

It’s not all about sex, or at least, it doesn’t have to be. The sex is a pretty good bonus though! *wink*

I was going to write about the kink of body writing but that will have to wait until tomorrow! Be well, keep smiling, take care of each other and yourself! ❤

The irony of denial LoL

Do you ever just read something that is so ridiculous it just makes you laugh!?! It’s bigoted and one-sided all while missing the obvious parallels with that which it denounces! LMAO

I’m sorry, but I find things and blogs like these (w)ho[l]ly hilarious!

I’m not going into detail here but let’s just say that it’s funny to me that a blog that is against BDSM, D/s and M/s happens to be a great source of inspiration for just that sort of dynamic! Just because you don’t use cuffs doesn’t make you any different from me.

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck …. and spanks like a duck and uses sex and nakedness as training tools ….

Does it really have the right to denounce us BDSM-ers??

Just some thoughts on a Thursday! ❤ Be well 🙂

Now to what DOESN’T work!

I thought since I’m touching on things that work (this will be funny in a minute!), I’d also touch on things I’ve tried that don’t work for me.

Edging! Masturbation (yes, clutch your pearls, I said the M word LoL) those things do not work for me. They don’t work to turn me on, much … and they don’t work to promote any sort of submissive feelings.

I know this is a common, often relied on method of maintaining some sexual energy and feeding the flow of D/s energy as well but for me it does not work.

It doesn’t bother me that it doesn’t but what I do find annoying is the ‘experts’ out there that tell people like me that we are simply not doing it right! That we need to try more, or try harder or the best one – we just need to TRAIN ourselves better! LMAO

Look, to those of you that this works for, hooray! I’m glad for you, and if you’re a dom/me and it helps your dynamic, hooray again! But for the few of us who just don’t seem to respond the same way – there is NOTHING wrong with you/us. We are not doing it wrong, we do not need to try harder, or other methodology etc

You know your body better than anyone and you know how you feel, no one else can tell you that either. Give it a try, experiment if you want to, mix things up with different toys – or don’t. It’s entirely up to you. If you are one of the many that it does work for, great!

If it doesn’t work for you however, move on. Don’t beat yourself up over it and DON’T let anyone tell you there is something wrong with you or that you are not trying hard enough, or worse – you are not submissive because you don’t respond like they want you to. If they can’t keep trying to find the right fit with you they are not worth your time or energy.

As for me, I like to revisit the idea from time to time. So far the result is always the same …. I’ve managed to go for a few days before, before it became a negative instead of a positive. *shrug* With so many other possibilities and adventures to be had in D/s and BDSM, why focus on just one thing that doesn’t mesh!?

Hope you’re having a great Wednesday, and staying safe! ❤

Mindfulness – Maintaining that D/s connection pt.2

After communication, communication, communication …. *wink* the next thing I personally find useful in maintaining our connection is practicing mindfulness. Again, I know this is nothing new or revolutionary BUT it is something that I have noticed works very well in a very short period of time. Assuming one is willing of course, but then isn’t that the whole point of submission? A willingness to do so for/to another?

I enjoy the art of kneeling. Sadly I don’t get to do so very much for/in front of the Bear these days. Our life, schedule and lack of privacy don’t really allow for it.

When I do get to practice kneeling I find it very relaxing. It allows me to focus my mind and my energy, it relaxes my thoughts and it soothes my aching muscles and joints! Yes I’m serious, it does help with ALL of that and so much more. For me even just 10 or 15 minutes of kneeling practice changes my entire state of mind and energy. But lets take a closer look, shall we?

These are some of the basic positions you can read about, you can find them and descriptions of each pretty easily. How to do them, when to use them even when and what parts of play or ‘training’ they are best suited to. They are found anywhere from sites of weekend BDSM-ers to full on Gor.

With that much versatility, there must be something to it, don’t you think?? *chuckle*

Now look at these poses:

These are just a few, you will find all sorts of standing, laying, kneeling, etc. you just need to look. These too are practiced for peace of mind, focus, strength, calm, relaxation and so on …

The difference between the two for me is really the intended outcome. When I workout for myself I call it yoga. When I need a boost of submissive energy .. we add a few kinky accessories and we call it kneeling. Collars, cuffs and clips (pain of some sort) is my go to. It helps my submissive mindset greatly when it is ‘ordered’ by my dominant, and many times picture(s) of proof is also required. 

It’s simple, it’s easy and it can be done discreetly and quickly no matter who is at home or how short on time I happen to be. It’s all part of a list of submissive triggers that I worked out for myself and we then discussed and worked into the everyday.

An added note here, there are times when I’m just not in the mood – those are the moments that require the most mindfulness but also submission! Active submission I guess you’d call it for that’s when it becomes clear and established that He is He, and I am His. If I want this lifestyle than I want it all the time and not just when convenient or satisfying a horny need.  

Those are also the moments that tend to have the biggest impact on my submission! *wink*

Hey look at that! I think I’m getting a bit more focused and less slightly less scattered! LoL 

Maintaining that D/s connection in the every day. Pt. 1

I haven’t written anything in a while and I fear I may be a bit out of practice! I guess you poor souls are about to find out with me! *chuckle*

In the last post I received a couple of comments that were pretty similar. The basic idea was, I think, how have we managed our dynamic this past year with all the ups and downs of a pandemic! How do we keep things engaged in the every day.

In the beginning I think I had an idea that once D/s always D/s but that meant that there was a certain ‘energy’ that I was looking to have ALL THE TIME. The truth is that having a full time, live in relationship AND practicing this dynamic is not really what I had envisioned during the frenzied beginning of exploration. 

To start – I don’t feel ‘submissive’ all the time. If you have been with me for a while you already know that my overall personality tends to be much more in the dominant category. I have tried on and been called many labels over the last few years from ‘Warrior Princess’ to ‘Alfa Submissive’ etc. etc.

Those all have some truth to them but they also don’t really fit. LoL I’ve never been one for labels but I do know that they provide a good starting point for conversation and understanding. As an old friend used to say, the devil is in the details after all! The point is, no I don’t feel that submissive vibe all the time and that’s okay! I don’t need to.

What I have learned is to tap into my own wants and needs and to relay them to my dominant, The Bear! I’ve learned to recognize and honour the feelings I experience and put those into the wants or needs categories, then act on those thoughts and feelings by bringing them to my dominant. 

Submission (and His understanding and support) has taught me to be okay with having needs and being okay with asking to have them met! Go, figure …. you can actually do that in a healthy relationship and it won’t be seen as a weakness!

Life long ago taught me that it takes more strength to ask for help and depend on someone else and submission taught me how to act on that.  

*******

I think my thoughts went a bit off the rails here! LoL But, not a bad first day back?!? 

I’ll be back to the original idea/question – I promise. First let’s see how this one is received *wink*

Happy Thursday! ❤