Adult Games – my answers!

Since I asked the questions I thought I should provide you with *my* answers. NOT because they are gospel, NOT because they are ‘right’, just because you might be interested! *wink*

How important is sex to your BDSM life?

It’s not. When I started experimenting with BDSM I quickly found that for me there were two very distinct needs. One was to add a bit of dominance to the act of sex, that always makes things ‘work’ much more quickly and well, pretty much without fail, regardless of what mood I was in before hand. The other however had nothing to do with sex.

Does BDSM automatically involve sex and orgasms?

To me BDSM, or at least certain aspects of it, have absolutely nothing to do with sex. There are many times that I am in ‘need’ of bondage and especially impact play and sex really is the furthest thing from my radar. TBH there are many times I simply don’t want to mix the two at all. I will gladly add BDSM to sex but I don’t always want sex with my impact play.

Are sex and BDSM always together?

They are not and neither do they need to be, but around here with the shortage of time and privacy, if we are lucky enough to engage in some form of BDSM than it does often end in sex as well. Once in a while I get lucky and the Bear will offer up a flogging session to ease my sore shoulders and back. Heavier, louder sessions are not often had unfortunately. Too many other ‘ears’ in the house besides the long furry rabbit ones! OYE!

Do your scenes always end in sex and/or orgasm?

Like I said, lately the two things are usually combined and ‘sex’ as in intercourse, is not always present but orgasms are usually the end goal. How that is achieved varies, when we’re lucky and the opportunity strikes (get it! LoL ) I can easily orgasm from ‘impact’ alone.

When we were lucky enough in the beginning, we would often be able to separate the two entirely. Well that might be misleading, sex often had aspects of dominance in one way or another but our ‘scenes’ didn’t include sex.

Is BDSM simply another way of having sex?

The short answer, no.

***** *****

To me BDSM enhances my sex life and although it is not always present it is always a welcome addition.

Sex however can and is taken out of the equation for me completely when I need a session to rest and relax my mind and body. The usage of bondage and impact play are the two things I rely on to give me that ‘brain vacation’.

I have found that it lowers my stress levels, helps with my sleep and mood over all AND it’s also an amazing tool at pain management in the day-to-day. For someone who suffers from chronic pain, THIS is way better than drugs.

 

 

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D/s in vanilla land – the swirl ice cream cone continues.

I’ve never had a romantic D/s relationship before but I have certainly had plenty of experience with dominant and submissive ones. I can spot one from a mile away ….

You see, a dominant and submissive relationship is part of all of our lives, all of the time, some people just simply don’t realize it. Now I’m not talking about the kink and sex parts, no, I’m talking about the division of power and the rules that come along with that. Some rules are written out in contract form and some are just understood. Normally that part happens over time and experience together, you learn the limits and rules together in whatever adventure you are on.

The contracts and obvious setup is normally in a job situation or PTA or maybe even in your volunteering. You know your position in the group, what you are responsible for and what will happen if you don’t get it done or done right. Someone takes charge and others follow, hopefully with good communication but you know your place! Surprise you’re in a non-kinky D/s relationship! LoL

Some are a bit less obvious like perhaps family situations, friend groups or maybe a book club or coffee circle. There is not always a specific setup to follow so we fumble around for a bit until we figure out everyone’s needs and wants. We figure out what our limits are and eventually, if you look, you can see the emergence of the one taking charge. Another D/s relationship … *chuckle* less formal but with good communications and if everyone’s needs are met and they feel comfortable in their place it works well.

Knowing your needs, knowing your wants and knowing your limits is a great way to be in all aspects of life. In many situations you will either be in a leadership role or in a following one and hopefully they will be consensual. The follower should strive to fulfill their set role and so too should the leader. Sounds familiar at all, anyone??

When both parties are working together and communicating with the appropriate openness along the way (let’s face it not all your information is required in a work relationship!) the relationship thrives and everyone is happy.

If the follower starts getting their nose out of joint and pouts and complains but doesn’t talk, then things go south. When the leader stops paying attention to the needs of his/her followers and starts thinking themselves too ‘great’ or also sulks instead of communicating their needs then it also goes south.

As these relationships move along  they will often evolve and the requirements change. It’s important to assess where things are and review the ways in which we ensure the needs of the group are being met from time to time. This also works in romantic relationship, you really should just sit and touch base every so often to see how everyone is doing and if changes need to be made to keep things flowing happily!

All we are doing here is taking those same ideas and moving them into a kinky and possibly sex inclusive relationship. Just like all these relationships, each one is individual, some are more formal and some are less. Unlike some of these other relationship however, kinky D/s relationship (I’ll call them that for ease of understanding but some are service oriented among other things.) are all negotiated and consensual.

Relationships that involve a division of power are all around us we just don’t call them D/s. Division of power in the home is also a very common thing, it’s very obvious throughout history. The main difference here is that it’s consensual, we have a voice and we have a choice.

** Not sure where this ramble came from, it started as one thing and changed completely. I have a post(s) that I have needed to write for a while and I just can’t seem to get to it. For my own sanity …… I guess this is my brains way of procrastinating! LoL Aren’t you all lucky, a rambling rabbit with a migraine!  Hopefully I’ll have something better, later. *wink * **

“These are not the droids you’re looking for ….”

I received a certain, angry email last night from the same person who has been making my brain ‘spin out’ for the last couple of weeks. Well, that certainly proved any hypothesis I might have had, not that I’m happy about that fact but I’m not surprised.

This note is for them, because I have a feeling ….

Not everything you see or read out there on the internet is specific to you, even if there are similarities. Welcome to the new world of human interaction. We can all find similarities with almost anything we find out there, if we look hard enough. Sometimes it’s not even that hard, but it doesn’t make it about you.

I have spent the better part of this year supporting, backing and advocating for things specific to you. Were my words ever veiled or abstract?

I have stuck my neck out there to rail against those who harmed you and your family, I got nothing out of it.

I have written and tried to explain the ‘lifestyle’ in such a way that your family and friends could understand and accept. I have advocated diversity therein so that your relative could be comfortable in their role despite what has been said to them.

I have even advocated for YOUR lifestyle choice even though it is not currently mine because understanding and inclusion is what makes for a better world, and I believe is the right thing to do.

What else was there, oh yes, the entire ‘stalker’ series on your behalf. It was not in ‘my back yard’ as they say, I could have easily ignored it and moved on, but I didn’t.

Again, was any of that done in a round about way, or am I always straight forward and upfront? So in the spirit of that statement, yes bug lady, THIS one IS about you.

Since I’m being upfront, you have gone from being a victim to being the stalker in my opinion. You have taken it upon yourself to find and read sites that don’t interest you simply to shame and berate their life choices on your own site. 

You are throwing an awfully large net over an entire group of people who you really know nothing about and frankly don’t understand. I’m pretty sure when I made a similar comment to you is when you started to turn against me as well.

You have been through a lot and I don’t blame you for being angry and lashing out. I know people have done things that were deplorable, BUT IT WASN’T ALL OF US.

You used to email me in a panic because someone read your blog and then went and blogged about you, or so you thought. The first one was likely I admit, but the others?? Honestly I didn’t see a connection, or at least not any more connection then the other 326,870,573 people and that’s in the USA alone.

Please, look at what I just said. Who’s stalking who now?

You are acting with more and more anger all the time, making connections that simply don’t apply and worst of all you are now badgering people who have done absolutely nothing to you.

I am not judging because that is not my place, I know you have been through a lot and I know you are reacting to emotions that are brought up by things you don’t understand. Yes, yes, I know …. you don’t react on your emotions, you think it all through first, obviously.

My point is that the path filled with hate is dark and lonely. It brings you down and eventually eats you up so that there is simply nothing left. Is this really where you want to put all of your energy? Don’t you have more worthy places to concentrate on?

Look at my track record over the better part of a year. Does it seem like I would now post something simply to razz you?

And just for the record THIS will be the only thing I write that pertains to you. Any other posts bearing any similarities will be strictly coincidental, so please, no more angry emails.

Thank you.

Exceptions

Have you found that you make exceptions to things that you would otherwise find unacceptable in order to maintain your D/s connection? Especially when it comes to couples with kids in the house.

For example, I am completely against having a television in the bedroom. Or in the living room, or dining room or kitchen for that matter. To me, a TV set belongs in the family room only, all the other places should require that your attention is either on what you are doing or who you are with.

It’s a personal preference and unfortunately cell phones have made that idea harder to maintain. (Holiday dinners seem less about family and more about youtube, but I digress.)

With the beginning of this new experience and especially the sexy parts of the dynamic, I acquiesced and we put a television in the bedroom! What!?!? *chuckle*

When in a frisky mood and it’s not yet bed time but you want to add some spice to the end of the evening you might consider certain levels of undress or perhaps accessories with which to relax and finish off your evening. (At least the start of it. *wink*) This is not something you can do in the family room when you have children walking about the house.

Weighing the pros and cons, we decided that perhaps a tv in the bedroom wasn’t such a crime after all! At least until the house becomes our own again, whenever that might be.

So how about you all, have you found yourself making exceptions to things you otherwise hold dear to try to accommodate your dynamic while sharing a house with kids, or others I suppose?

This wonder of writing brought to you because I just changed my bedroom around, well the Bear did! The tv set was a big part of figuring out where to put the bed and keep it comfortable for watching, and the chair etc. It never would have been an issue if we were ‘alone’ in the house more often.

Thank you for your work, Bear! ❤ I love you.

Irony

Do you remember when I said I was feeling stifled? That I had been for some time?

Well, I took a bit of time and did a bit of thinking and decided that I needed to be true to myself and true to the reason for being ‘here’ in the first place.

After that revaluation I had a short back and forth with a fellow blogger and it brought out the previous post. I know I don’t often use the acronym or talk specifically about sex and orgasms but it is all part of the genre and reason for this blog.

I have also been wanting to do a bit of a review on some sex toys that we have had since the spring, but again my own worry was stopping me over this person or people.

Ironically this same person seems to think I’m the problem. My BDSM and sex blog was something I have thought on from time to time. It’s something I have actually written about and touched on from time to time. It has nothing to do with shocking or bothering anyone. If you read this blog I presume you know that I do practice BDSM, I am a masochist and I do have sex.

If any of those things bother you than you might consider ‘unfollowing’ now before I become a bother to YOU as well.

I don’t discuss details of my sex life, I don’t give pictures and I don’t write erotica BUT I do discuss sex, orgasms, toys and BDSM in an adult fashion. If that is not what you want to hear from time to time than please, feel free to skip those blog posts, they will be clearly marked.

I know I have many people from many walks of life following me here and I do my best not to write anything strictly for the sake of shocking or insulting anyone. That said, this is an adult blog of a sexual nature at times and sometimes more specific with regards to BDSM as well.

Thank you!

For everyone who commented on the last blog, thank you!! I will get back to you I promise! I’m just still trying to wrap my head around this one.

 

Balance

The stronger I need to be OUT THERE …

The more completely I need to be controlled IN HERE ….

It’s all about balance you see,

It’s about calming the storm in my mind.

It’s about caging the beast that lies within.

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Pack Lycan Lone Wolf Blood claw

There is nothing else that makes it all stop spinning, even for just a short while.

I’ve been feeling a bit stifled lately, I apologize for my ‘absence’.

It’s no one’s fault but my own, I’m not sure where to go with it right now.

I’m a feminist, strong as they come in the real world, dominant to the end ….

And I find nothing more calming then resting at His feet.

Contradictions, yes, but who says you can’t have it all? Only those who have yet to get there.

Jason Mraz – Have It All

Too much swimming in my head lately to be able to put into words. I have no ambition to do so. I’ll leave you with this and wish you all a good day, a good week, a good life.

Patience and acceptance are often preached but rarely practiced.

Peace and happiness come from within. ~n

May you have auspiciousness and causes of success
May you have the confidence to always do your best
May you take no effort in your being generous
Sharing what you can, nothing more nothing less
May you know the meaning of the word happiness
May you always lead from the beating in your chest
May you be treated like an esteemed guest
May you get to rest, may you catch your breath
And may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows
And may the road less paved be the road that you follow
Well here’s to the hearts that you’re gonna break
Here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change
Here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you
I want you to have it
Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have
You don’t need money, you got a free pass
Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
I want you to have it all
Oh! I want you to have it all
I want you to have it
I want you to have it all
May you be as fascinating as a slap bracelet
May you keep the chaos and the clutter off your desk
May you have unquestionable health and less stress
Having no possessions though immeasurable wealth
May you get a gold star on your next test
May your educated guesses always be correct
And may you win prizes shining like diamonds
May you really own it each moment to the next
And may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows
And may the road less paved be the road that you follow
Well here’s to the hearts that you’re gonna break
Here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change
Here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you
I want you to have it
Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have
You don’t need money, you got a free pass
Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
I want you to have it all
Oh, I want you to have it all
I want you to have it
I want you to have it all
Oh, I want you to have it all
All you can imagine
All, no matter what your path is
If you believe it then anything can happen
Go, go, go raise your glasses
Go, go, go you can have it all
I toast you
Here’s to the hearts that you’re gonna break
Here’s to the lives that you’re gonna change
Here’s to the infinite possible ways to love you
I want you to have it
Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have
You don’t need money, you got a free pass
Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
I want you to have it all
Oh, I want you to have it all
I want you to have it
I want you to have it all
Here’s to the good times we’re gonna have
Here’s to you always making me laugh
Here’s to the fact that I’ll be sad without you
I want you to have it all
Songwriters: Becky Gebhardt / Mai Bloomfield / Mona Tavakoli / Chaska Potter / Jacob Kasher / David Hodges / Jason Mraz
Have It All lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.

Blog Comment, turned post!

I was answering a comment and as usual came up with more detailed information that might be of interest or value for everyone to read. So, I have decided to tweak it and place it here.

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As to my recent attempts of describing my ‘sub type’, it’s more an exercise to explain rather than discover. I know who and what I am and really have no problem with either, but I’m not sure those reading understand who I am, really. The labels come with ‘understandings’ that makes every word I use misunderstood in the sense *I* mean it.

For example, Alpha Submissive, I have used that one as well in the past, turns out I was wrong in that one. An Alpha submissive can only exist in a poly relationship where two or more submissives are present. I know it is a term liberally used now a days but it is in fact, wrong.

The other term I picked up on, and some points of interest I use are of Makai’s Warrior Princess (that most basic description is probably the closest truthfully, the small part you will find on my ‘about’ page) but if you look deeper there is a lot of other information and ‘goings on’ that I don’t agree with. A point recently brought out by a friend of mine, and so it spurred this attempt at explaining once more.

It’s not for my sake, it’s for the sake of my readers. Personally I prefer the idea of a wolf pack, He is the alpha male and I the alpha female. Both have responsibilities and power in the pack, both dominant, more primal. That’s how we live anyway, I can just never seem to get the idea across.

Now that I’ve written you a post, cheers!! *giggle* Maybe I’ll copy and paste this as a post of its own. 🙂

And so I did …. LoL Please, feel free to ask questions. Happy Thursday!

The post about that Warrior Princess I alluded to is here, do take a look. There are a lot of valuable points there if you happen to subscribe to that idea.

My Fist attempt at describing our primal wolf like connection is here.