Definitely maturing … active submission

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to grapple with the thoughts in my head between active submission and topping/leading.

I think it was difficult for me because i am so naturally inclined to take charge of things and get the job done when it comes to life that it got confused. Not confused intellectually but very muddled when you start adding ’emotions’ to it.

I’m not confused any more ….. for now! *raspberries* It always comes back around, doesn’t it?? But let’s hope this time it will be stuck! *wink*

***** ***** *****

Spent lots of time outdoors this weekend. There was a huge car show, it happens every year and Bear enjoys going.  I’ve written about it a few times and i’ve even posted some cool pictures!

Physically it can be a real feat for me depending on how things are working that day, it’s ever changing. This year i was feeling okay so we went, took the oldest and his gf as well and the weather was just beautiful. Couldn’t have asked for better really.

This year was a 40th ‘anniversary party’ for a local car restoration company as well and so cars were set up in two different locations. We made it through the first place, then i lost a shoe! UGH It fell apart and the upper separated from the heal. I couldn’t really continue on that way and being bare foot was not an option. Home we came ….

We had already seen all the cars in that area fortunately BUT i had wanted to go and see the collection of Harley Davidson’s next door. THAT part we had to miss out on! *pout*

Anyway, we made our way home, i changed shoes and we went back up town to see the rest of the classic cars on the strip. It was nice and i know Bear enjoys it but by this time i was over heating and starting to feel rather …. ugh ….

Now in the ‘beginning’ i would have kept going, i would have followed Him to whatever else He wanted to meander through, even though there really was nothing left of great consequence, and i would have gotten more and more upset with each step.

I would have been mad that He didn’t realize i was ‘done’ and in need of a break. I would have been mad that He was too busy enjoying Himself to be micro-focused on me! *chuckle* That’s not really fair, is it? When you are dizzy, hurting and generally unwell it can be hard to stay positive and rational. But we’ve been through this before ….

So i asked Him if there was anything else special that He really wanted to see because i was fading fast and really did need to stop soon. This would be where He realized how i was doing and took control of the situation.

‘There is nothing that important, we’re going home, you’re getting a cold drink and putting your feet up for a while. You need rest and you are done for today. Understand?’

***** ***** *****

Sunday morning was beautiful, the sun was shining again and the temperature still cool. Peri-menopause has it’s claws in me however so first thing in the morning i’m always overly hot! No one but the Bear is up and out of bed so i wander downstairs with some clothes … in hand. *smirk* He won’t usually order it because of my raynaud’s but i know He wants it so, why not??

I used to feel like i was ‘forcing His hand’ somehow by showing up naked but if i’m honest i know it’s just what He would want. So why complicate it?? Some days he orders me close so He can have His way and some days He simply orders me to sit at His feet. Sounds like i’m not leading anything if you ask me, simply offering.

It takes the worry away however, so He doesn’t need to second guess if today is a good day for kink or if my body is rebelling and i’m freezing despite the hot humid weather we are having. Unfortunately i have those days too …

Once my body started to cool i found some clothing to wear but it was soft and flowy. Since right now i’m not suffering from the heavy and sore breasts that also happens from time to time (thanks peri-menopause) i went bra-less for the morning, again an active act of submission. I know He likes it but is cautious to not actually hurt me.

***** ***** *****

I think my summer resolution is working out rather well so far. I feel much more His submissive and much less stressed over

should i,

could i,

would i???

I know Him well, i know what He likes and i know He has no problem telling me when ‘it’s not the time’ *pout* 

***** ***** *****

I knew i was going to write about my weekend but i was’t sure exactly how. Then i read something about active and passive submission.

It’s not the first time i’ve read the concept, not even the first time i’ve written about it myself. I think it is however the first time i have read of another dominant stating that they have a preference for it.

I think in the back of my mind the impasse was always due to the fact that i was the one who put this idea, this lifestyle, at His feet. It always worried me that my active submission was actually more like topping.

Reading that someone else, who chose this life themselves also has a preference for it makes me feel like i’m just following the Bear’s lead and submitting in a way He finds appealing, and once and for all seals shut the idea that i’m not submitting at all.

The timing is perfect, my resolution made and the reinforcement form outside completes the deal.

Happy Monday! ❤

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Menopause and D/s, again!

Every time i write about this it really makes me laugh. Why? Well because when we were first searching out a network to learn and communicate with we ran into one such site that was less than helpful.

It was okay if you were interested in sex, and sex, and pics and more sex …. there was certainly plenty of inspiration that way but we were looking for something more than just the sex.

I (mostly, since Bear never did like being on the PC much) was hoping to find a more well rounded approach, where we could talk about and consider all aspects of life, and yes D/s as well. Let’s face it, if you live 24/7 365 there are bound (sorry! *giggle*) to be many times when other things take precedence and kneeling or kinking it up are just not the things keeping your D/s together. Or so we think anyway ….

Anyhow, i did manage a few conversations with a few ladies and a gentleman that were much more in depth BUT i was told very firmly that ‘menopause has nothing to do with D/s’ and so shall never be brought up again! LoL

Yeah …. right!  *chuckle*

I’ve written of it a few times, and now things seem to be ramping up for me again so i am writing again. If this MenoBeast wants to be done any time now would be awesome …. but alas!

It’s not just about your cycle when it comes to peri-menopause, it’s also about a very large variety of other symptoms. I’m not going into all of them now, they are just too many to go through but i will tell you the most obvious plaguing me at the moment that has EVERYTHING to do with my D/s! 😛

Breast tenderness!! I don’t know about you all but for us that’s a pretty big part of Bear’s play area! *wink*

Right now they feel and are swollen, heavy and painful. The thing I lose first chance i get after work is normally my bra …. not so much right now! They hurt like h3ll! They feel like boulders trying to rip their way out of my skin. Yeah Bear might think the extra size is pretty cool right now but it comes with a high price.

In the shower it feels like i’m being flogged with a very fine tailed, sharp metal tipped flogger. This might sound interesting i admit, at least to me, but with no ‘warm up’?? Ummm, NO!

You want me to lay on my belly?? Ummm, no thank you …

You want me on my back? Ummmm, still ouch! No thank you ….

You want to do what?? and bounce me around this way and that?? Ummm, still no thank you …

Pins, clamps, wheels … etc., etc., etc., …. no matter what move or position i’m afraid they come with … and aside from a heavy duty bra, which barely keeps things manageable, nothing helps right now.

Any of you moms who have ever nursed and became engorged, yeah that, now you know what i’m talking about. But there is no milk to ‘let down’ and be gone! UGH

Sure, He can technically do whatever He likes, I have already given Him that right but it doesn’t seem to excite Him much when i’m screaming out and real, non-sexual pain! For some reason that doesn’t have the same affect, go figure.

So, i’m going to say that yes, it does in fact affect my D/s right now, especially the sexual aspect of it. I’m not exactly feeling overly sexy or sexual and anything asked of me is certainly going to come from a different mindset than the preferred one.

It would have been nice to find a community of other women also trying to be ‘sexy submissives’ and deal with this too, to commiserate with. If this isn’t something worthy of working through in order to maintain a good and happy mindset and dynamic than i don’t know what is.

Peri-menopause is a roller coaster ride physically and mentally. Things come and go on a moments notice and unwanted pain is just the tip of the iceberg. And it’s been almost 10 years in the making for me so far. Anytime now mother nature ….

Oh, He’s also opt’d to remove my night time leather collar for now. The leather around my neck combined with night sweats was making it so i didn’t get much sleep. I was constantly waking up drenched! Just removing the leather strap from around my neck has brought my temperature down just enough that I can sleep, sort of, when i’m not rolling onto this sore bit or that!

*chuckle* No, nope, i’m sure none of this would have anything to do with anyone’s relationship …. D/s or not!

 

Peri menopause, dynamic, sex drive!

I left a comment for someone that has spurred on this post.

I’ve written before about how going into peri menopause put my sex drive through the roof! Running around like a horny teenager all the time … a one track mind for sure!

I had this same conversation with a few vanilla friends so I might just as well leave it here again as well. *chuckle* Why not, eh??

Peri menopause certainly ramped up my sex drive, although I have always had a high appreciation for the ‘dance’! *giggle* But does that crazy level of ‘gotta have it now!!!” last for ever?

Well, the short answer would be no, not really.

The urgency and running around like a teenager has mellowed out, partially the balancing out of hormones and partially maturing in the dynamic. The truth is that in the beginning you tend to surround yourself with all sorts of sexual content and so your drive stays high. Might be a bit of a false high I suppose. It’s also new and exciting which makes it easy to be always ‘on’.

As time goes by it becomes more like everything else in life, the more you pay attention and work at it, the better it will be. Don’t put any energy into it and you will get exactly that back out ….

The dynamics and kink are certainly a great start and a lot of fun BUT they are not a miracle, or cure for any relationship or issue.

This relationship is just like any other in the terms that it’s shiny and new in the beginning and very easy to stay on top of and maintain. As you move forward it will either mature and strengthen or it will fade into the background leaving you sullen and wondering what happened?

In many cases the answer is easy. Life happened, you let it happen and didn’t invest the same energy and care as you did in the beginning and so it has taken a back seat.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s just the dominant’s responsibility to keep it alive and fresh, or just the submissive’s … this is a partnership and you each have a role to play.

The Bear has been busy at work and I have been a bit down and out physically as well. Our energy levels as well as our alone time have also taken a hit. I suppose I could sit back and wait and expect Him to take this on Himself and give our kinky time a kick in the butt to start ….

I can also plan a bit of a surprise myself and add a bit of fuel to the fire from my side. It’s not leading or topping it’s energy and attention to something be both crave.

Whining and sulking and trying to manipulate the situation is different, this is me saying ‘Hey Sir, would you like to play??’ he gets to take it from there, it’s still His choice but everyone could use a bit of motivation now and again! *wink wink*

So a bit of a mix between menopause and just life in general but for me they are one in the same!

Love You Always, Sir!  ❤

 

 

No, I don’t always get what I want …..

Some time ago I got a lot of flack over a post (or small set of posts) about not putting things on hold and frankly in my case not finding submission very hard …. A couple of people who disagreed commented on here but there was a least one who wrote on their own blog in a not so nice manner. It was quite rude actually but part of their idea was that I never get asked to do things I don’t want to do anyway and so of course nothing goes on hold and I don’t misbehave …

Well it’s Christmas time again and this is the time of year that I get asked to do a bunch of things that I really don’t want to do, and I still don’t fuss and I still don’t put anything on hold because of stress or what have you.

I don’t know the why exactly but I used to be all full steam ahead when it came to Christmas and decorating and the like. My friends used to refer to me as ‘Martha’ because of all the preparation and precision and just over the top attention that was given to each and every detail. Nothing was missed, nothing was out of place, all the gifts were bought with a great amount of thought put into them. Cookies and other baked goods were made for everyone and delivered on time for everyone to start their holiday celebrating, and I’m not a bad baker if I do say so myself …. ! lol

The tree was perfectly lit, so many lights that you could light a runway and each and every ornament placed perfectly. I have collected them over the years, one of a kinds, hand made, lots of old fashioned blown glass …. very old school and I even went and found the Christmas pickle to put upon the tree! 😀

One year, and just before we made the switch to this lifestyle, I just didn’t give a rat’s patootie about any of it. I did finally get the tree up, maybe just the week before? I don’t remember …. the gifts were mostly cash or gift cards and no baked goods were dropped off. Menopause tends to do that to you, makes you a little squirrely, lots of feels of ‘ugh’ and melancholy for no apparent reason coupled with the physical symptoms like lack of sleep and body pain and voila, bad mood!

Anyway, the short and long of it is I still really have no desire to put up a tree! Not even a little, I started decorating for winter instead so that I don’t need to change it all over in the new year, I decorate for all four seasons as it is. Well Sir wants a tree, He feels it’s important and every year He brings home a tree …. It’s sitting in the living room now and should be just about ready to be decorated. You need to give it a few days to acclimate and for the branches to drop before you decorate, it would be a real shame if those glass ornaments hit the floor! Blown glass is not very strong …

I could whine and complain that my raynaud’s is acting up, my fingers go from freezing to warm and swollen, they hurt like h3ll and have little ‘dots’ all over them that make picking things up almost impossible without pain or dropping! I could mention that my back and shoulders are just getting worse over the years and it hurts to just physically stand that long and do the job, I could complain that I’m terribly allergic to the tree and having to basically ‘climb’ into it to place the lights and such makes ever single area of skin break out that comes in contact with the greenery. All of these things are real and true and I could try to use them all as my excuse to either not do it or be grumpy …

I believe the way you feel is a choice, my choice and no one can do anything about it but me. I still don’t want to put up the tree but I will put on my favourite Christmas CD, I will ask for a nice glass of red wine and a fire to be started and I will ask Sir to join me in the living room for company as I work and put the tree together. I will put in just as much time and effort as I ever did (perhaps with a few more breaks than before) and I will hope to please Him greatly once it is all said and done.

Yes to me I am being asked to do something I really don’t want to do, my mind has just never gotten back into it, I don’t know why and it probably sounds completely backwards to my usual attitude because it is …. it’s a lot of work and hassle and it means moving furniture and redecorating in January, so be it! I’m not going to stop being respectful and obedient, I’m not going to stop doing the best I can to please Him no matter what kind of crazy is going on inside my head …

I’m going to do what He wants, even when I really don’t like it and I’m going to make the best of it. And mostly I really hope He will be pleased! 😀 At this point in my life that is more important than getting what I want. (Well it always has been truthfully.)

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

It has it’s up’s and down’s!

Good morning Sir, Happy Thursday!

This isn’t going to be a happy-go-lucky post today, I’m not feeling great and I thought I might as well document it here for both you and anyone reading who might want a full picture of what submission can look and feel like. It’s not that there is anything wrong it’s just that if you happen to have a personality like mine you might find yourself in a similar boat at some point. Not that I expect many will, a friend lead me to a personality test site and of course my results were equal to 0.8% of the female population and only 2% of the population in general. Not that I put much credence in such things but it is telling ….

Anyway, I got up this morning, or at least tried to get up and was very sore, I could barely roll over in bed and everything is very sore. From my neck to my tail bone I am sore and aching, every move I make is torture. My hands and feet are cold and swollen with dots of painful raised areas throughout, this is what happens with the raynaud’s after day after day of attacks. I can’t pick things up very easily and my tendonitis in my left shoulder is so bad right now I wish I had a sling, I’m kind of a mess. Of course the oldest picks today to have an episode and I get called all sorts of nasty and wished dead all before 8 am, oh joy!

Not that any of this is odd for me, I have dealt with it all for many years … the difference is this submissive mind that I’m now set in. This is probably the one thing I don’t enjoy about the dynamic …. I need you! I need you always and I can’t feel strong in these times without you because all I want to do is curl up at your feet or in your lap and feel your hands holding me close and making me feel better.

Many things ‘before’ are the same as they are now, our lives (well from my side anyway) haven’t changed much but the one big thing for me is that now when I’m faced with a problem I look to you for help where before I would have just taken it on myself. I look to you for comfort where before the thought would never have entered my mind, I would have sucked it up and gotten on with it …

Right now I’m looking at the clock and thinking about how many things I have to try to do in the next 10 hours before I can be held by you and the thought is all-consuming. I hate feeling like I’m whining and bringing your day down, I hate feeling like I’m making you worry and I mostly hate that I feel weak.

Cognitively I know that none of this is right but physically I feel like I’ve been run over by a MAC truck and since taking days off and spending them curled up in your arms is simply not realistic I’m just going to have to deal with it. I really hope there isn’t anything that’s going to take your time and attention away tonight because I could really use your strength right now.

As usual, I feel better already just writing this out for you but physically I feel like I’m ready to fall over, and I hate feeling like ….. like, honestly I don’t even know what words to use to describe it.

This masochist could use some serious endorphins right about now …. Tylenol will just have to do until then.

Love You Always Sir! ❤

Escape

Image result for female angel wrapped in chains
Dark Fallen Angel – pinterest 

I need escape ….

My mind is full

My spirit running on empty

I don’t know the reason

I don’t know the why or what

Things are changing, my body restless

Bruises are back and the cold creeps from the outside in

My body aches and my head wants to hide, buried deep in the sand

This thing is trying to steel away part of me; again

I need to escape

I need your chains

They don’t bind me, they protect me

Sir

 

 

 

 

Some Crazy Days

I was reading today a post that made me remember some of the dark days in my past. Not the really dark days, that’s another blog entirely, but the dark days (at least as dark as I ever want to be) in my relationship with Sir, my marriage.

We have been together about 22 years now, married 19 this past April. I believe I have always been a bit of a confusing bunny for Sir. To the outside world I am the exact opposite of submissive, I don’t cower, I don’t back down and I never give up. Most people find me very intimidating, even though I’m 5 foot nothing no one in their right mind even thinks about standing in my way ….  must be the horns! LOL

In my marriage however I have always deferred to Sir, long before He realized it. I guess to me that was just the way it was supposed to be and I assumed that He already knew that by my daily actions I suppose. Wrong! Now keep in mind we live in a very small city, the idea of dominant and submissive is just not something that is widely accepted or understood, really. Old fashioned values with male lead marriages are, but many of those are one-sided and not at all meeting the needs of both parties involved. So I guess we were both flying blind for many years ….

I’m pretty strong and pretty determined so it was easy for me to just keep moving forward and doing what I felt was the right thing to do for however long I had to do it. With or without structure I was going to behave submissively towards Sir even if He didn’t know it, or at the time, reward it either. Then somewhere in my mid to late 30’s things started to change.

When I look back now, with the knowledge I have gained I can see the change and notice the signs, but back then it was all just random and misunderstood. The first sign was night sweats, I had never heard of them, had no clue they existed and had started some medications that could have accounted for some of the symptoms so the start went unnoticed! I was 36 …

Right about the same time we were looking at moving, we had been in the same home for 12 years, our first home, bought right after we married, had two children and started new careers… lots of things happened while in this home. We are both very particular and finding a new home that works, fits our needs and was of the Georgian style we like took some time and stress. So some of the other signs of menopause for me were chalked up to stress … I started drinking a bit more (I maybe had 1 glass of wine at Christmas before, that changed) and I started smoking again (by the time I finally quit I was at almost a large pack a day). When I was young and on a mission to self destruct I was smoking  up to 3 large packs a day.

I guess that as His submissive I was waiting to be controlled, but as His strong and capable wife, He had no idea that’s what I wanted, that’s what I needed. So Sir got distant and I got more self-destructive,… rinse,… and repeat ….

Some where in all these crazy days I finally decided I couldn’t take it any more, my first request was simply for hot, crazy BDSM and sex. I didn’t realize it at the time, but if I couldn’t get Him to control me all the time I could at least get enough of a taste in the bedroom to help myself make it to the next time. So that’s what we did, but not for long.

The mind is a wonderful thing, and as soon as we started playing in the bedroom I started to understand the subtleties that made Him feel in control and the things that made me feel controlled and cared for. YES that was it, His lack of controlling an obviously bad situation to me meant that He simply didn’t care. It never occurred to me that He didn’t think He was allowed to, remember we were not D/s, never heard of it, had no clue …

I started to put some of those things into my daily life and Sir started to assert Himself more in daily life and before you knew it we were 24/7 without any labels or pretense, just us and just naturally.

We were just getting comfortable in our roles when the MenoBeast once again made an appearance, my mood just tanked! All was well with the world, my husband was very attentive, finances were great, children were great so why the heck did I all of a sudden just quit caring? There were many physical issues that I have outlined in the menopause and D/s category but this was just because, just whenever and didn’t seem to have any real rhyme or reason. I thought for a while I was losing my fricken mind! I happened then to find D/s (the label because we were already doing) and a submissive site where I went to try to find understanding but was instead told that menopause had nothing to do with D/s and therefore should not be a topic of conversation.

Well let me tell you, when your mood is crap, your body is crap and your mind can’t remember a darn thing (yes that happens too) and all of a sudden you are in the middle of the bedroom and you remember and realize all the things you did (how they may be viewed) and all the things you forgot (and how that is viewed) and you realize you have failed your Dominant miserably and none of it on purpose, than YES menopause does have everything to do with D/s because you and your partner need to know that it is a stage, it is not intentional or within your control and that you DO deserve forgiveness. Not only from them, but from yourself …

So I spent many a night in Sir’s lap, some of them laughing, many in tears …. If something didn’t get done it was understood and He picked me up when I needed Him, He did not punish me when the intent was clearly not there. His understanding of me and of this made me able to understand and accept myself. To me THAT is the dominant, and that is that dynamic … and that is MY Sir!

I hope this helps someone out there, I wish I had known this myself …..

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

 

The joys of Menopause, and sex!

The title is sarcastic, just in case there is any confusion. This has been a particularly tough month(s). My body has had just about enough torment with the nursing home ‘sleeping’, Rotti carrying and now trying to play catch up on my healing with work and the wonderful monthly cycle accompanied by menopause. In the words of a friend of mine “I’m one hot mess!”

I have always had a bad back and the monthly routine was always a bit sore and painful in my lower back, until things started and then within a day or so the back pain would subside and I would feel ‘normal’ again. My normal is much different then most I can assure you, but normal for me none the less.

The last few years have been a roller coaster of good months and then some very bad months, at times simply trying to stand straight or walk is a huge problem, or sitting for that matter! Basically pain all day every day for months on end. So now you have some back ground …

This month with all the other physical issues my lower back has been seriously affected. I normally get some spotting on and off for a week before anything starts and some seriously heavy pain in my lower back to accompany it. When the spotting stops, the pain lessens and so on … normally lasts a few hours off and on for a few days then we’re good for a week til things start …. then rinse and repeat! lol

Well we do normally get to play in between and nothing major happens, I take a little bit of time to relax those abdominal muscles, ease into it if you will and once things get going all is well … but not this time! Sir and I were in the middle of some intimate time and then all of a sudden it felt like I just got knifed, from the inside, right where He was … if you get my drift. I screamed out, not in a good way and ended up scratching Him quite severely due to the pain, I was in tears and I am not one to cry.

The pain did subside but needless to say the mood was pretty much shot and well it was time for bed by then ….

The day/evening had been a bit of a confusing time for me not quite understanding what Sir wanted/needed from me and I think (hope) if I had had more time to get into the ‘mood’ it might not have been quite so serious. Sir gets His idea in His head as to how He wants the evening to go and that’s great but with no warning, or ‘seduction’ or any sort of communication of wants and needs it can sometimes be hard for me to switch gears so quickly.

Moral of the story, I unfortunately don’t come with an on/off switch Sir …. and I think sometimes you think you are being obvious but you are not, not to me anyway. I don’t want or need for you to give away all your secret plans but a few minutes of teasing or flirting or just plain ‘giving orders’ would be a great way to get me turned on and waiting, and hopefully make these physical issues less of a problem.

I hope this isn’t too confusing ….

Love You Sir ❤

 

Confidence and Age = Sexy

I’ve always been very strange in this thought I know …. probably because of my history but I have never once thought that I would like to be young again, I have never once wished for the good old days ….

Now I know when you are little you always wish to be bigger so you can just stay up a few more minutes, or you can just play with a few more ‘big’ toys or you can just have a bit more freedom, etc. etc. …. I did all that too, but it never stopped for me!

When I was a teen (very young teen) I wanted to be old enough to move out on my own, when I was in my 20’s and married and babies I couldn’t wait to be 30, that’s when I would no longer be pregnant, no longer be nursing and my body would be my own again. When I was in my 30’s I couldn’t wait for 40, the kids are bigger, self-sufficient and I have more time to play in life. I can read (love it), I started writing, I can’t decorate cakes like I used to because of my carpal tunnel and tendonitis but I can bake, and I love to experiment with my cooking! I get to have dogs again because I have time to walk them and train them and I can start to take care of just me again!

Don’t get me wrong, my life has been great since my twenties and there is nothing really there I would want to change or do over (0 to 20 is a different story but I wouldn’t anyway because my experiences have made me who I am and I’m very happy with who I am) but I am not afraid of getting older and I am not worried about what I used to look like.

Every year I get more confident and happy in my own skin and every year I get sexier and sexier …. Sex appeal is just as much about confidence and attitude as anything else.

Not me, not yet anyway! 😉

So now in my 40’s I am eagerly awaiting 50! The boys will be away at school, maybe working by then and I should be semi retired by then if not completely. I will have plenty of time for me, and lots of story book kinky fun times with Sir! By then there might not be many other responsibilities and all sorts of time to dedicate to Him ….

Perspective, getting older is awesome! 😀

Can’t change it anyway, might as well be happy about it, don’t you think?

Love You Sir ❤