I’ve spent a lot of time trying to grapple with the thoughts in my head between active submission and topping/leading.
I think it was difficult for me because i am so naturally inclined to take charge of things and get the job done when it comes to life that it got confused. Not confused intellectually but very muddled when you start adding ’emotions’ to it.
I’m not confused any more ….. for now! *raspberries* It always comes back around, doesn’t it?? But let’s hope this time it will be stuck! *wink*
***** ***** *****
Spent lots of time outdoors this weekend. There was a huge car show, it happens every year and Bear enjoys going. I’ve written about it a few times and i’ve even posted some cool pictures!
Physically it can be a real feat for me depending on how things are working that day, it’s ever changing. This year i was feeling okay so we went, took the oldest and his gf as well and the weather was just beautiful. Couldn’t have asked for better really.
This year was a 40th ‘anniversary party’ for a local car restoration company as well and so cars were set up in two different locations. We made it through the first place, then i lost a shoe! UGH It fell apart and the upper separated from the heal. I couldn’t really continue on that way and being bare foot was not an option. Home we came ….
We had already seen all the cars in that area fortunately BUT i had wanted to go and see the collection of Harley Davidson’s next door. THAT part we had to miss out on! *pout*
Anyway, we made our way home, i changed shoes and we went back up town to see the rest of the classic cars on the strip. It was nice and i know Bear enjoys it but by this time i was over heating and starting to feel rather …. ugh ….
Now in the ‘beginning’ i would have kept going, i would have followed Him to whatever else He wanted to meander through, even though there really was nothing left of great consequence, and i would have gotten more and more upset with each step.
I would have been mad that He didn’t realize i was ‘done’ and in need of a break. I would have been mad that He was too busy enjoying Himself to be micro-focused on me! *chuckle* That’s not really fair, is it? When you are dizzy, hurting and generally unwell it can be hard to stay positive and rational. But we’ve been through this before ….
So i asked Him if there was anything else special that He really wanted to see because i was fading fast and really did need to stop soon. This would be where He realized how i was doing and took control of the situation.
‘There is nothing that important, we’re going home, you’re getting a cold drink and putting your feet up for a while. You need rest and you are done for today. Understand?’
***** ***** *****
Sunday morning was beautiful, the sun was shining again and the temperature still cool. Peri-menopause has it’s claws in me however so first thing in the morning i’m always overly hot! No one but the Bear is up and out of bed so i wander downstairs with some clothes … in hand. *smirk* He won’t usually order it because of my raynaud’s but i know He wants it so, why not??
I used to feel like i was ‘forcing His hand’ somehow by showing up naked but if i’m honest i know it’s just what He would want. So why complicate it?? Some days he orders me close so He can have His way and some days He simply orders me to sit at His feet. Sounds like i’m not leading anything if you ask me, simply offering.
It takes the worry away however, so He doesn’t need to second guess if today is a good day for kink or if my body is rebelling and i’m freezing despite the hot humid weather we are having. Unfortunately i have those days too …
Once my body started to cool i found some clothing to wear but it was soft and flowy. Since right now i’m not suffering from the heavy and sore breasts that also happens from time to time (thanks peri-menopause) i went bra-less for the morning, again an active act of submission. I know He likes it but is cautious to not actually hurt me.
***** ***** *****
I think my summer resolution is working out rather well so far. I feel much more His submissive and much less stressed over
I know Him well, i know what He likes and i know He has no problem telling me when ‘it’s not the time’ *pout*
***** ***** *****
I knew i was going to write about my weekend but i was’t sure exactly how. Then i read something about active and passive submission.
It’s not the first time i’ve read the concept, not even the first time i’ve written about it myself. I think it is however the first time i have read of another dominant stating that they have a preference for it.
I think in the back of my mind the impasse was always due to the fact that i was the one who put this idea, this lifestyle, at His feet. It always worried me that my active submission was actually more like topping.
Reading that someone else, who chose this life themselves also has a preference for it makes me feel like i’m just following the Bear’s lead and submitting in a way He finds appealing, and once and for all seals shut the idea that i’m not submitting at all.
The timing is perfect, my resolution made and the reinforcement form outside completes the deal.
Happy Monday! ❤