Definitely maturing … active submission

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to grapple with the thoughts in my head between active submission and topping/leading.

I think it was difficult for me because i am so naturally inclined to take charge of things and get the job done when it comes to life that it got confused. Not confused intellectually but very muddled when you start adding ’emotions’ to it.

I’m not confused any more ….. for now! *raspberries* It always comes back around, doesn’t it?? But let’s hope this time it will be stuck! *wink*

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Spent lots of time outdoors this weekend. There was a huge car show, it happens every year and Bear enjoys going.  I’ve written about it a few times and i’ve even posted some cool pictures!

Physically it can be a real feat for me depending on how things are working that day, it’s ever changing. This year i was feeling okay so we went, took the oldest and his gf as well and the weather was just beautiful. Couldn’t have asked for better really.

This year was a 40th ‘anniversary party’ for a local car restoration company as well and so cars were set up in two different locations. We made it through the first place, then i lost a shoe! UGH It fell apart and the upper separated from the heal. I couldn’t really continue on that way and being bare foot was not an option. Home we came ….

We had already seen all the cars in that area fortunately BUT i had wanted to go and see the collection of Harley Davidson’s next door. THAT part we had to miss out on! *pout*

Anyway, we made our way home, i changed shoes and we went back up town to see the rest of the classic cars on the strip. It was nice and i know Bear enjoys it but by this time i was over heating and starting to feel rather …. ugh ….

Now in the ‘beginning’ i would have kept going, i would have followed Him to whatever else He wanted to meander through, even though there really was nothing left of great consequence, and i would have gotten more and more upset with each step.

I would have been mad that He didn’t realize i was ‘done’ and in need of a break. I would have been mad that He was too busy enjoying Himself to be micro-focused on me! *chuckle* That’s not really fair, is it? When you are dizzy, hurting and generally unwell it can be hard to stay positive and rational. But we’ve been through this before ….

So i asked Him if there was anything else special that He really wanted to see because i was fading fast and really did need to stop soon. This would be where He realized how i was doing and took control of the situation.

‘There is nothing that important, we’re going home, you’re getting a cold drink and putting your feet up for a while. You need rest and you are done for today. Understand?’

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Sunday morning was beautiful, the sun was shining again and the temperature still cool. Peri-menopause has it’s claws in me however so first thing in the morning i’m always overly hot! No one but the Bear is up and out of bed so i wander downstairs with some clothes … in hand. *smirk* He won’t usually order it because of my raynaud’s but i know He wants it so, why not??

I used to feel like i was ‘forcing His hand’ somehow by showing up naked but if i’m honest i know it’s just what He would want. So why complicate it?? Some days he orders me close so He can have His way and some days He simply orders me to sit at His feet. Sounds like i’m not leading anything if you ask me, simply offering.

It takes the worry away however, so He doesn’t need to second guess if today is a good day for kink or if my body is rebelling and i’m freezing despite the hot humid weather we are having. Unfortunately i have those days too …

Once my body started to cool i found some clothing to wear but it was soft and flowy. Since right now i’m not suffering from the heavy and sore breasts that also happens from time to time (thanks peri-menopause) i went bra-less for the morning, again an active act of submission. I know He likes it but is cautious to not actually hurt me.

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I think my summer resolution is working out rather well so far. I feel much more His submissive and much less stressed over

should i,

could i,

would i???

I know Him well, i know what He likes and i know He has no problem telling me when ‘it’s not the time’ *pout* 

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I knew i was going to write about my weekend but i was’t sure exactly how. Then i read something about active and passive submission.

It’s not the first time i’ve read the concept, not even the first time i’ve written about it myself. I think it is however the first time i have read of another dominant stating that they have a preference for it.

I think in the back of my mind the impasse was always due to the fact that i was the one who put this idea, this lifestyle, at His feet. It always worried me that my active submission was actually more like topping.

Reading that someone else, who chose this life themselves also has a preference for it makes me feel like i’m just following the Bear’s lead and submitting in a way He finds appealing, and once and for all seals shut the idea that i’m not submitting at all.

The timing is perfect, my resolution made and the reinforcement form outside completes the deal.

Happy Monday! ❤

Bittersweet

The adjective bittersweet doesn’t just refer to taste. It can also describe a blend of emotions that are sweet but also tinged with sadness. … The feelings and memories you have make you simultaneously happy and sad, and are therefore bittersweet.

As the school year windes down around here i get less and less work until summer break finally arrives! Today is one of those slower days … and the youngest was off to school for the morning.

It seems the Bear really enjoyed the thought of having me run around in nothing but cuffs, collar and plugged .. and the pictures i saved for Him might have had something to do with it! *wink* He decided to day that i should do the same, for one hour was His order.cropped-20190618_133956_2.jpg

I enjoyed the experience the first time when it was me thinking it up but for some reason when He ordered it, well it just added a whole new dimension.

I added an anal hook instead of just a regular plug and i attached it to my collar with chains. I DO LOVE CHAINS! *grin* With no one here to worry about i got to enjoy the feel and the rattle of my bonds while i worked around the house cleaning up from breakfast and doing some vacuuming etc.

It really did transform my morning from chore filled to ‘floaty’ … is that a thing?? Anyhow …

Sure enough i got interrupted before i was able to get to the end of the hour. You see the youngest had an exam today, his final exam for the year. His exam complete he was messaging for a ride home.

Off with all the chains and cuffs and on with the regular everyday. The bittersweet moment made more poignant with every additional stitch of clothing. I have no doubt that the youngest will be home bound from now until the start of the next school year in September unless he is with one of us.

Getting closer to summer break means finally getting a few moments to explore and enjoy the life we would like BUT it also means that the opportunities for such are once again at an end.

Counting down the days

I have planned things out in my work that i now am lucky enough to have summers off. My first summer off was last year and i have to say i enjoyed it much more than i thought! I did some gardening and tended some veggies, tried to take care of my physical health and ran the boys around for appointments.

I also got to be much more invested in submission.

There are still many things that need to be done on a regular basis but NOT the hustle and bustle of work and then the exhaustion at the end of the day! Last year especially i was getting to the point that i really could not function by day’s end. A break was in order.

Since i have been a bit busier than i had planned these last few months some of the kinky rules have been pushed aside. I can’t really spend much time pantyless and plugged when i’m working! I also don’t wear dresses or skirts on a regular basis, again because they don’t lend themselves to my work.

In the summer those rules are back (perhaps that’s not the best way to say it, the rule is always there it’s the opportunity that is not.) and they are practiced daily. Those two things are rather obvious and so they make themselves known and felt. Needless to say that it keeps my mind on much more kinky and D/s based thoughts than when i work.

Now i might be off work but Bear is not. This caused a bit of an issue, albeit a small one, in my head. I start to focus on us and D/s and He of course is still dealing with the everyday hustle. I have much more energy to provide to the cause and when the energy wasn’t matched from His side i started to question things.

I have a great imagination and tend to be on the artistic side. My mind is always going and when i let it loose on D/s and BDSM … Look out!! *chuckle*

With all these things running through my head and Him too tired to think from His day and summer heat …. i think you can figure out where that goes. As i have mentioned before, i do tend to slide into ‘slave’ like tendencies when i have the time and focus and by the time He gets home that’s generally where i’m at.

So this year i am making a ‘summer resolution’:

  • There will be no questioning or over thinking.
  • I know the Bear enjoys any and all acts of submission i offer whether it was asked for or not, He has always liked surprises.
  • I will run with my instincts and focus more or ‘doing’ than ‘thinking’, the point of submission is to offer up your thoughts and needs anyway. Holding back is more topping than simply putting it out there and waiting …
  • Bear likes when i’m sassy and sexy – i will not wait for Him to ask, i will simply provide. If He changes His mind about the way He wants me to behave HE will tell me, it’s not for me to decide and hold back.

So that’s about it. For this summer i will rely more on tapping into my submission to Him and less on worrying about if it’s right or not.

Just because He doesn’t have to tell me what to do or change my behaviours doesn’t mean i’m not being His submissive, it simply means that i know Him well and i know what to do to please! *wink*

The more i tap into this energy the more He shows His anyway …. *grin*

Blast from the past and BDSM lifestyle

Some triggers come from out of no where it seems, after years have gone by and the memory practically erased from my mind and then all of a sudden, there it is!

Bear has always insisted that if the house was our own He would have me walking around naked as much and as often as possible. I always laugh and tell Him that He would forget to order that by then or that He would get bored of it …. it’s our banter back and forth. Just because we are incorporating BDSM and D/s into our life doesn’t mean we lose our personalities or fun!

Anyhow, the school year is coming to a close and i have a few extra hours here and there during my day while the youngest is still at school. Bear is taking full advantage of this and has left me some kinky tasks to complete.

One such task involved collar and cuffs … so when it was complete, i found myself nude with cuffs and collar and no one home for a few hours. It triggered the thought of His assertion and so i decided to give it a test drive! *giggle* I cleaned up a bit, organized a few things and even competed my workout that way! Well I put my running shoes on but otherwise, …

At the end of it all and before having to get dressed for the afternoon work hours i went and lay across the bed for a while. That’s when it triggered the memory.

My mother has always been a ‘piece of work’ you could say. I don’t get along with my family, we have a long and complicated history.

The memory was of a summer long ago, i had been working out in the fields for a summer job and had made it home exhausted and dirty. Showered of course and then decided to hang out naked, on my bed.

The door was closed, my private area and i was already in my teens. I had a certain expectation of privacy …. For whatever reason she decided to enter my room, unannounced and without knocking or giving me a chance to get dressed.

When she found me just resting and reading in the nude she felt it very funny apparently. She laughed at me outright, made some comment … about crazy or weird i think, and then proceeded to go and tell everyone in the house. THAT would be my two younger brothers. Why would she do that you ask? I have no clue … she was mean i guess. Liked to revel in the humiliation of others.

It hasn’t changed my enjoyment of being nude i muse, maybe she’s the reason i like it so much??? LoL

Bunnies are defiant when they have no respect for you .. *wink*

It’s for times like these ….

Sometimes things happen that really speak to the power of BDSM in our relationship.

I’m off for a few hours in the middle of my day today and so i’m trying to get caught up on some gardening. It had been raining much too much around here to be able to get anything done. Plants had been bought but sat in pots for some time in need of attention and planting.

Today I have a few hours and the sun is shining so today I planted them! *smiles* Normally Bear and i work together in the gardens, getting things weeded and into pots or the ground, but due to the above mentioned circumstance i am working alone!

As i’m getting things into pots and divided i can’t help but miss the extra pair of hands that are usually at the ready! So far however no triggers have been felt. Eventually i find myself working in areas that are small enough to warrant putting away the trowel and using just my hands to scoop dirt and pack it into the pots. That’s when it hits me …. 

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I’m used to seeing and watching as these big Bear paws move large amounts of dirt and get the job done in a flash as i work behind Him to pack it down. Today however it seems to take many more tiny handfuls! I can’t help but notice how small my hands are compared to Him.

Suddenly i find myself sitting in the sunshine, covered in dirt with my hands in these pots thinking to myself what an odd feeling it is to be okay with that thought! I have a long and complicated history that had taught me to rely on no one and to always strive to be bigger and better than anyone around. Failure was never an option and second place was just not good enough. But mostly if i couldn’t take care of myself i would very soon be done for ….

The idea that someone was bigger and more powerful than me, in any regard, was a very scary place to be in. Dangerous …

When we practice our kinks and BDSM i’m always put in situations where He is more powerful than me, where He holds all the control. Being in that place where He can dominate over me physically and then realizing that i am safe and cared for, watched over and helped to come back down after play has many side effects.

One of the side effects is that i don’t fear being smaller than Him. Instead of what my body and mind had learned for so many years i now am left with the feeling that it’s okay!

It’s okay to be small sometimes because i have big capable Bear paws always on the ready to pick me up and keep me safe. Protect me….

Just thinking out loud today! *smiles*

Happy Tuesday ❤

Missing Him on Monday …

Dancing With a Stranger – Sam Smith & Normani
(No, i’m not dancing with anyone else, in case there is any confusion. Just like the song and this bit fits! *smiles*)
Happy Monday! ❤ 
Hmm, hmm
I don’t wanna be alone tonight
It’s pretty clear that I’m not over you
I’m still thinking ’bout the things you do
So I don’t want to be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight
Can you light the fire?
I need somebody who can take control
I know exactly what I need to do
‘Cause I don’t wanna be alone tonight, alone tonight, alone tonight

A couple of weeks ago ….

Not sure why this is on my mind now, maybe because it’s been long enough and i’m now daydreaming while i wait! *giggle*

I remember having Him on top of me, His hand around my neck and one with fingers down my throat. Moving me and molding me to whatever He wanted … i was certainly at His mercy! Enjoying every moment of it, make no mistake about that!

I can always tell when He’s truly in that space, there is a certainty and confidence that simply surrounds Him. His eyes are different, His face is different somehow but no matter how far we go and how hard we play there is one thought that never leaves my mind.

He is bigger than me, stronger than me and He can use me and move me as He pleases. There is no doubt that i have no choice BUT i never feel truly threatened or unsafe. I just know in the back of my mind that the slightest hint of trouble will bring Him straight back to me.

I have a lot of feelings going on at the time, His strength, His presence, His weight. Anticipation and excitement for sure but never fear or worry. No matter what position or predicament i find myself in FEAR has never been one of the emotions with Him.

There is just something unshakable that underlies all we do. Trust …. that’s what makes it all alright.

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New toys are here, Sir!

We ordered them!! *grin*

We’ve been looking at some new toys to add to our collection and dusting off some old ones. It has been an adventure …. re-learning how and what works, learning that some things have changed and according to Sir …..

“I’m glad to see your tolerances haven’t changed”!

laurel___sitting_pose_reference_27_by_faestock-d8ie51vI think three days in and my backside might disagree! *raspberries* I still find myself sitting gingerly from time to time ….. You can stop smirking now, Sir!!

It has been a while since we played this hard, i remember thinking in the shower of all the things i have learned for aftercare in order to avoid bruising (i know, i know … but i don’t like them) and also to avoid paddle rash. THAT is not fun …

I have always been much more into pain play than sensual play but I guess i might be evolving! We’ve ordered a fur flogger!! I admit it was never something i had really considered, obviously doesn’t fit too well into paddles and canes … *chuckle* but we have decided to try it and i’m actually excited.

One of my hard limits is tickling, it makes me feel just awful, it hurts, doesn’t make me laugh at all and honestly my reaction is to *punch*! I can’t help myself, i know there is a name for it although i don’t now remember what it is but some people truly can not handle it! That is me …

So, this will be an adventure for certain. My sides and belly won’t be the first areas to practice on, that’s for sure, but i am looking forward to it. This is definitely new.

The toys we wanted had been unavailable but we found them again and ordered them. I hope this means we are back into playing and connecting like we did before! Trying to mesh the vanilla responsibilities with the D/s feel has been confusing and we are going through a bit of trial and error again.

Certain things just don’t flow like they used to and the Bear needs to sit and talk this through with me but we’ll get there. Half of the fun of the adventure is the getting there anyway, isn’t it?

One thing i have noticed, at least from my side, is that the high level of excitement is just not there, not like the first time. There is no running ahead and falling on your arse when you figure out you’re just not ready. No flying high and then ‘drop’! Now that i’m writing it, i think perhaps it’s just a bit slower than it really needs to be ….. hummm, food for thought there.

The boys used to go out every Sunday night to gramma’s but that was dropped last fall. That might have something to do with it, no set time to foster excitement in the waiting.

Maybe it’s just because all the other aspects have been tried and figured out and really the only thing left is the actual play. The rest of the relationship is like an old comfy shirt … now we’re just looking forward to the times we can get dressed up! *wink*

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Saturday start

My @ss is red, my shoulders are relaxed … floating a bit while i get some breakfast, finally.

Bear comes down from the bedroom of the youngest and tells me he’s already up. He had gone up to wake him and give W his meds.

The floaty feeling now tempered with a bit of responsibility … caution … worry.

I hope he hasn’t heard us, was this a smart choice? I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

New toys are being ordered and i’m tentatively excited and optimistic that we might actually be able to get back into more ‘impact’ in our D/s. *wink*

My child’s mental welfare is obviously the most important thing in this equation BUT i already find myself humming while i run around doing whatever needs attention this morning.

Just a few minutes of this type of connection and we both feel better …. it’s a tight rope we walk these days. It has been for a long while and it has taken its tole on us.

Wish me luck!!! and Happy Saturday … ❤