i close my eyes

when i’m most submissive, i close my eyes

it might be an ‘artsy’ thing, and yes i use that term gratuitously

my creative self is the one i hold most dear i think …

because it’s the one that speaks to the heart of me

the part that still has hopes and dreams

… so like most artists when they speak, i close my eyes ….

when i let you see me like that, that’s when i’m the most vulnerable

the most submissive;

because that’s when i let you see ‘me’

that’s when i’m NOT on the look out

Just like this …..



I don’t always like His decision.

It’s funny, sometimes the way things work out.

I’m a thinker, I always have been, my mind doesn’t stop for a minute normally, it’s how I’m built. Most people will tell you the same thing but it’s not the same. It’s even more than the ‘normal’ over thinker.

My oldest son shares this with me, he also likes to research these things, i think he is trying to understand himself … there is a name for it, it’s in about less than 2% of the population.

The point, I’m always thinking, i always have a plan, the answer, the way of doing things, all figured out in advance of even being able to speak the ‘issue’.

So when He’s in charge, He doesn’t always do things or decide things in the way that I have already figured out! *wink*

Most often things are discussed and decisions are come to together because being the dominant doesn’t mean being the only one who weighs in on what’s needed or appropriate. We might be in a power exchange relationship but we are partners in life. This type of relationship doesn’t absolve me of all life responsibility. Anyway ….

Sometimes, like earlier this week, the decision really is all on Him. It doesn’t happen as much as what you out there might think. Not on the big things, the things that really affect our family or our dynamic, because let’s face it, i’m part of that too. But sometimes the decision really is unilateral …. and when it’s not what i thought of it does catch me off guard.

So, sometimes i don’t like the decision He has come to, even for just a moment – but there is always a feeling of relief and an almost obvious weight that gets lifted off my shoulders.

…. and just for a moment, my mind slows down ….. 

Why do i let Him lead even when i don’t always like the answer? Because it feels good, because it gives me space to breathe. 


Today, during my exploring i read some words of wisdom.

If you want to submit, submit ……… if you don’t want to, than don’t!

The basic gist of it was don’t make the other person responsible for ‘making’ you do it with punishments and repercussions, etc.

In the end we are all responsible for our own lives, our dynamics and for the authenticity we feel within those.


So ….. if you want to, do …. and if you don’t ….

The choice is yours and yours alone.

Life is perfect

My relationship with the Bear is perfect! Well, okay maybe not ‘perfect’ but it’s perfect for me, for us.

I may be His submissive but that doesn’t mean i’m stuck dealing with things that bother me or i can’t accept, it doesn’t mean He gets to do whatever He wants without consequence.

Our relationship started in a vanilla sense and many of these limits were already figured out i suppose, but i can’t see me settling for something even if we had only ever been D/s. Does that mean that’s i’m not actually submissive to Him? No, i don’t think so but it does mean that He respects me and my needs and emotions just as much as He wants me to respect Him/His.

Our wants and needs line up pretty well, i guess almost 25 years together will do that to you! *chuckle* I don’t think there is anything He wants that i’m not okay with anyway but if there was i know He would have more respect for me than to disregard my emotional needs and go on with it.

Being my dominant is not about what He wants, it’s about what i need. My needs come first, then He gets whatever it is He wants ….

I might be submissive to my husband but i’m not in any other sense. I can tell you from experience that when i’m in a dominant role the primary objective is NEVER what i want, it’s the needs and requirements of the things/people i have taken responsibility for. It’s only after that has been satisfied that i get to do what i ‘want’.

This D/s relationship is no different. With great power comes great responsibility …..

Humiliation? or just sexy?

I read this a few weeks ago and it got me thinking, like usual right!?!? *chuckle* Anyway, it is very much kink inspired and so if you are not here for the nitty gritty of it all please feel free to skip this post!

If you are, perhaps you should take a gander before you read my thoughts so that you know where i’m coming from. 🙂

I’ve been given a reprieve from my debauchery — for the morning at least, as I’ve been granted time to myself and promised a casual time with Amanda at the cafe for brunch. So already this Saturday a.m. I’ve taken a leisurely bath, and I spent good time washing and pampering my hair, which had […]

via hurt so good — slave shae

Shae is in a situation where she is ‘owned’. Now, i could use the same words as she does, owned, used etc. but to me it simply doesn’t have the same feel of humiliation as it seems to elicit in her. I have a theory ….

My submission and my ‘use’ is all done within a loving and completely committed relationship. Mine is done within a marriage that not only encompasses sex and ‘slavery’ but also includes the commitments of everyday life, home, cars, and children. For a lack of better explanation mine doesn’t seem as linear, mine is more far reaching and perhaps more fulfilling? Not a judgement, just a ponder …

When i am ‘of use’ to my dominant i feel the subspace and the high but what i don’t feel is that i’m ‘only‘ a vessel for His pleasure. To me the experience, no matter how primal or single minded, is always reciprocal. He doesn’t just do it to me, He does it ‘for me’ …. and i know i have many more ‘uses’ than just that one in this life we share.

Is that perhaps why our view and feeling on the matter is different? Is it because i’m inside a marriage that has commitments and carries on with or without the dynamic that i don’t feel humiliated by the fun we have?

Or is it just a ‘me’ thing?? A rabbit thing? *chuckle*

Real life D/s

Following orders when you are in the middle of a scene is easy. Following orders when you are in high protocol situations is easy. Remembering that feeling of following in the real world can sometimes catch me off guard, and that’s when it’s the most real.

I’ve made no secret of the fact that we went a long time having to keep our kink to a minimum. Situations arose that made it next to impossible to practice much by way of protocol or obvious actions, and that’s okay, but that also left a very obvious feel in the smaller things that happen in the day to day.

I’m not only His nijntje, i’m also a mom. As a mom i want to make sure i show my boys how to be a positive member of society. I want to teach them kindness and responsibility etc. …. and i want to teach them to be helpful.

Some time ago, before we were able to play much, we had bought a new mattress for our bed. Now Bear was getting ready to remove the old one and replace it with the new one all by Himself. Since the youngest was just across the hall and doing nothing but web surfing, i piped up. *chuckle*

I told him to come on over and help his dad with the change over. The Bear has been having trouble with His hip and me, well i can’t always be as helpful as i would like!

Very quickly from behind me i heard … ‘Uh, no …!’ That caught me off guard BUT He is the Boss, not just when we play but 24/7 …. so although a bit confused i didn’t argue or question it, i just told the youngest ‘never mind, seems dad’s got it‘ and went in to see Him.

20190504_092743Probably not what i want the youngest to run into when helping dad change the mattress!! *giggle*

Ah yes, good call Bear! *wink*

Being in that following mode is easy when you get to play and practice and carry on. It’s much easier to be in that mindset when you are on a bit of a ‘high’ but it’s important to remember it when you don’t get to play.

To me, this is the real D/s, the one that happens when you don’t get to get your kink on, when you are just you …

❤ Ciao!

Have you had any ‘vanilla’ situations like this? When you simply follow without questions and then have an ‘ahhh’ moment afterwards? Or is it only rabbits that get into this silliness???

He said, no.

I don’t often talk about my chronic issues on this blog, not in any great detail, but today the power exchange and the vanilla world come together in a way that i can’t really explain on the other one.

I have a few things i battle daily and fibro and CTD (connective tissue disease) are only the tip of the iceberg but they have been at me with a vengeance recently and affecting my routine/life! Moving is becoming increasingly difficult and i’ve had to take pain medications which i really don’t like to do.

This gets in the way of my rule of daily exercise. It’s one of the rules Bear has for my own well being and was put in place of my own asking. When i don’t work out i don’t feel well, mentally or physically. Setting Him in charge means i don’t make excuses and talk myself out of it, so i don’t put myself into a dangerous downward spiral. But there is more ….

Setting Him in charge also means that i don’t set myself up for harm. He knows how rough the last couple of weeks have been for me and how rough the last few days in particular have been. When i told Him how i was feeling today He instantly told me ‘no workout’.

Personally i knew i probably should skip today, not only are my legs/knees aching but now my ankles are sore as well. Really sore, and i’ve got bruising that is appearing around my ankles and up that area of my leg. I haven’t hit anything, i don’t know where they are coming from but they are in line with the most intense areas of pain. I was still debating whether or not i should workout ….. i don’t like having to give in. Doing too much has always been a bigger issue for me than not doing.

But He said no, so i’m writing this out, my body is still screaming at me and i’m going to give up typing for now because my legs and lower joints are not the only ones affected unfortunately. But i wanted to depict how D/s and vanilla collide and why they work well together.

He might not be able to do much about my pain but He can keep me from hurting myself further. My submission alleviates my perfectionism, following orders seems to do away with the guilt i would feel otherwise for sitting today out!