Strange bedfellows

I ride this strange line, a line between dominant and submissive.

My entire existence has two parts, two inseparable parts. It makes it very hard to find people to call friends, in the real sense. If you don’t know what I mean than you probably won’t get this post either.

I’m not one who dwells on social graces or what others think or might say as a way of being. I take then into account of course because they are worth noting, but they aren’t worth living for … sorry.

What I do find is that my want for this dynamic falls into trouble when I want to find ‘friends’ with which to talk to and commiserate with in the troubles or tribulations that my mind may be going through.

Not to be offending or shocking, but this is just me getting the cr@p out of my head that is necessary. Don’t compare yourself, you shouldn’t -be original, be you. This is not a ‘how to’ post. This is also not a commentary on my blog land friends, that’s not what this is about so please don’t take it personally. It is personal that’s true, but personal to me, no one else.

But, he’s back now and so instead of being submissive I need to once again take charge so … maybe continue this later, maybe not!?!?!

I have a story to tell about a time when a friend told me a story ..because I was in a similar state and needed a dom to domme talk, to sooth my submissive soul. Confused? lol that’s okay it was an interesting story about a cabin and the super natural. His story to tell not mine, but if there is a Kitty around these parts who reads, let him know that even now it helps!!

Point is I fit in no where, i never have and likely never will. For the most part I’m fine with that – really. But there are these few and far between fleeting moments when one might fancy a call … 😉

Rinse and repeat! More hospital stays and drama, ugh.

*long one* be forewarned.

So we’re here again! Two weeks after the last admittance and we are once again back, in the same room even! lol Almost think we should have just moved in ….

Some back story to the last few weeks:

W was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago on a Tuesday to our usual hospital for cancer treatment because his numbers/bloodwork was just horrible. He needed chemo and other products to get him back to stable and ready for Sick Kids in a few weeks for the CAR-T therapy. We did that, then went home the following Sunday afternoon.

Our doctor here had requested our family doctor back home take charge of the case and have blood work and transfusions done in our local hospital until it was time for Sick Kids. I was hesitant but it did offer much less travel and much more time at home for W and for us. He’s having a hard enough time physically so anything to ease the wait time was going to be great, right!??! lol

Yeah, no!

First off the Oncologist’s requests (and mine of course) for call back and set up of times and dates was never answered. I got a call from here telling me the appointments were being cancelled as they were to be handled in my home town. I said, no please don’t, keep the dates on schedule and I’ll call you back once we get booked here because frankly I’m afraid they won’t come through. Guess what, they didn’t!

Unfortunately, me thinking all was set and settled was silly enough to get in the shower. The phone rings, W takes the call and agrees to cancel the appointments since he is told that they are to be done at home. *PANIC TIME* I call back trying to get them reset and explain that I have yet to hear anything from my family doctor and he needs his transfusions on time. I’m afraid they will get missed …. so now nurses and practitioners are scrambling trying to get him set up again because those other times have now been filled for others. UGH!

This is now Tuesday afternoon, still no call back from our home doc …. I’ve left messages, the oncologists here left messages the Friday afternoon before! The practitioner working with our oncologist has phoned and left messages many times as well. *crickets*

Fortunately they do squeeze him back onto the schedule – that’s the Wednesday they realize how low his numbers are and he’s there all day with dad getting things stabilized again. In the meantime Dr. D’s clinic (oncologist) works with me to set up at least one more week of appointments in hopes of setting things straight here in our town by then.

FINALLY!! The damn family doctor calls back. It’s now been over a week since the specialists reached out, Apparently cancer and no immunity plus requiring stabilization for a major procedure in one of the best hospitals anywhere is just NOT ENOUGH to get his attention and response. With all those letters and names not getting responses, what chance do I have???

Explains why my chronic rare condition gets no help either, humm. But that’s for another day.

Anyway, finally we get a response, keeping myself patient and respectful, I take the calls, get the info and set appointments. Cancel with the regular oncologist and move forward. Monday we go for bloodwork, depending on results we will be back Tuesday for transfusions. Pretty much expected at this point, no biggie.

Monday we go in for 8 am. Monday by 10 am I get a call that the transfusion can’t wait, come in this afternoon, there is a 6 hour wait to get the blood products he needs but they are on the way. Okay, no problem we can do that … but wait, W has started with a nose bleed and heavy bruising again, that plus his blood counts … 4 calls later and much back and forth with the oncologist – my family doctor says we need to bring him in now. He must be isolated and we must stop the bleeding! YIKES, more panic, off we go.

To emergency he says, I’ll tell them the issue, go now! When we get there it’s packed, of course. All sorts with germs everywhere! I explain to the nurse, i explain to reception …. take a number! Umm, he needs to be isolated, she checks with the person behind the glass, take a number, I guess you can wait in the door way …. :O What Now???? Come again?

He has cancer, he has literally no white blood cells after chemo so no immunity, and no platelets so he won’t stop bleeding ….. plus the doctor told me to come here asap, that he would tell them he need to be isolated! … take a number….. *fumes*

50 minutes later, after moving him about in a wheel chair inside and outside trying to stay away from all the coughing and sneezing and germs, they finally call him in. His nose has been bleeding heavily this whole time. Lots more stupidity like this later they get him a bed in the ER.

No precautions really but at least there is a curtain, sort of closed up around us. W unfortunately over hears one talking to another saying that he’s just here with his mom, she babies him ….

Finally the family doctor shows up, all of a sudden he’s in full protective gear, triple masked, triple gloved etc and still keeps his distance because he doesn’t want to make W sick. I’m guessing our oncologist read him the riot act over the length of wait for his original call back so he finally gets the urgency. Some of the nurses though aren’t quite up to speed I don’t think. Pretty sure it was after that when W heard the comment :/

Big surprise, after hours in this mess W spikes a fever! I finally got his nose to stop bleeding but they didn’t let us leave despite my saying he would be better at home to wait for the needed products, safer. And now this …. shit hits the fan, I guess they finally realize I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

Two, yes two units of blood have been lost from mornings lab work to now. That is how much his nose was bleeding. Damn fools. The ER doctor didn’t quite believe it, many tests are ordered to try to figure out where else he may be bleeding from. Nothing, maybe she does believe now, anyway.

We go from the ER to the ICU, await blood from all over hells half acre … hours later, 4 more units of blood he needs to get stable! YUP totally babying him, yup totally fine to stay in the waiting area for close to an hour. For F*CK sakes!

The following day we are told he is getting transferred back to the usual hospital, they are better able to treat him and ‘home’ doesn’t have the knowledge or resources. The first part I could have attested too earlier! So here we are again.

Been here since Tuesday, we decided to drive him here ourselves and get released from one hospital without waiting for transport. We would have just been stuck in the ICU with all the other sick people until likely midnight or longer. Not a waste of time we wanted, or risk for that matter. We wnet home, grabbed a few things and were admitted here by 6:30, we had left the other at 4:45, not bad turn around if I do say so myself. The trip itself is almost 1 1/2 hours.

It’s Thursday now, we should hopefully be on the way back home Friday afternoon. You’ll never guess what, they want follow ups done here, not in our home town ….. 😛

At least here he is safe! Got word tentatively that we will be going to Sick Kids next week anyway. Scary and exciting at the same time. The procedure is dangerous and the first 2 weeks after will likely look very scary I’m told but that should then change for the better and the rest of the stay for follow ups there will be as outpatient, set up in our own private little apartment close to the hospital.

*exhale* long post I know, lots of stuff not even covered but here are the highlights.

Till next time … be well! ❤

I take offense …..

See, I’ve always been steady in my way of thinking but until now maybe … not had the preverbal fire under my arse?? lol I don’t know why now exactly I just know it works for me, so seems if you want to read this blog you get to bear witness!

I have for some time had a problem with people who think that ‘vanilla’ can’t be as committed, as strong, as connected – as D/s, M/s BDSM etc etc.

I was never in a dynamic, in the community, in the ‘know’ of all these letters before but what I can tell you is I have always been intense! Intense in my relationships, romantic or otherwise.

I take issue with the idea that because a person or persons don’t identify as kinky, that means the depth of commitment and communication is not there. That is simply not true, not in my experience.

Maybe it’s my European roots, but all we do is full of passion and energy, commitment and trust. That’s what makes us, what makes us live and what makes us die … it’s that engrained. So how much more can you get? How much more connected can you be?

Cuz to be honest I haven’t yet found another connection more than this, and I have been around these D/s parts for a while now … just saying. There is a reason why Latin music is so damn energizing and sensual. Maybe it’s the sexy beat?!?! lol

Take 2 – and Cookie Monster!

Here I am once again writing to you from a hospital room. Well that’s not true I haven’t written from here before, just filled you in on the details afterwards. This time I just decided to do it now, put it down on ‘paper’ so the thoughts get out of my head. Otherwise, they roll around and around until they sear themselves into my brain.

The appointment that was meant to be chemo and home again has turned into another admission. The Leukemia has relapsed quite significantly and so heavier chemo and inpatient treatment is needed. It should be somewhere between 4 and 7 days this time.

Needless to say I have quit work again, Bear is still going to his job since there really isn’t much he can do here anyway. Plus – we got a puppy! Bad timing I know but at the time we thought we were done with inpatient stuff and W needed a distraction. She’s a quick one, learns fast and is getting better at listening as well. I normally do the dog training but I think Bear has a good handle on it this time. 🙂 Trial run for our 6 week stay at ‘Sick Kids’ I guess.

I don’t think I’ll see him tonight, he’s running on empty with the long day of admission and late night of settling W in just as much as I. I mentioned it may be best to just go home after work today and he could come up to see us on Friday. His shifts Friday’s are only half days and leave much more time for a visit and family dinner etc. He’s off the weekends anyway and we can figure out Monday when Monday comes.

I also had to get W out of school once more. This poor kid has had such a battle to try to get graduated and now he’s too weak and too much ‘away’ to be able to get the work in. He only has 2 courses left and less then 2 months of classes. Talk about a kick in the @ss!

We’ll figure that out once the time comes I’m sure.

On a lighter note, one thing that brought the first smile to my face after discovering all this keeps popping back into my head. I thought I’d share it with you, it was on one of the trips back to the hospital on the highway.

I like to watch out the window while Bear does the driving. As I’m checking out the semitrucks which have always been a favourite, I spotted one with a silly, fun picture of Cookie Monster on the side. I guess the driver must identify with the character! I almost jumped out of my seat I swear, and pointed and smiled and showed Bear …. and I noticed that the driver saw me too. Much to his amusement I’m sure! lol He smiled a big ‘ole grin back and waved.

It made my day and it reminded me of an old friend as well. Cookie Monster has been a favourite for a very long time, and I happened to meet one on here some time ago as well. I never did see him again in the many trips we’ve made on the same stretch of road. So …. If you’re out there my friend, be it online CM or the trucker that smiled kindly back at me – Hello! 🙂

See you all soon again.

Looks like we’re off!

Tomorrow we/he has blood work and a few more invasive tests to get through but if all is well we will be off the following day to the capital for the start of treatment for gene therapy!

To the best of my knowledge it seems that he is in a clinical trial to see if this type of genetic treatment will work for his type of Leukemia, since nothing else has yet been able to kill the cancer.

If all goes well, this week will see us travelling from Tuesday to Friday and then home again. In about 3 or 4 weeks time they should be ready for him and we will once again be back to the capital for treatment, about a 6 week stay this time around.

We are hoping for the best but it is dangerous and there is a chance it could cause some very serious life threatening side effects! :O I’m trying very hard not to dwell on that.

Since this is also a BDSM blog I can add that I’m also trying very hard not to dwell on the fact that I will be away from Bear almost entirely for the 6 week stay. I’m sure he’ll be up on weekends when he can.

Being very much on the side of introvert as far as personalities go, I’m not looking forward to all the ‘socializing’ once more.

I find I have the teeniest flame, burning far and away in the depths of my mind that is looking forward to a time when i can put all of this ‘down’ and sleep at His feet. Perhaps for a long while ….

I do miss the chains and cuffs that calm me. 🙂 Happy Monday friends. ❤

Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

We’re home, well sort of …

We came home from the hospital on the 23rd, I’m glad to say that W is in remission. We have about 2 1/2 years of treatment ahead of us but all signs point to a full recovery!

I’m having a hard time wanting to write here but I figured since I started this story I owe you all at least some closure. I have yet to open my business up again, I have too many trips back and forth to the hospital ahead and the days and times would just not work with hospital appointments and the like. Not in my line of work anyway.

Bear has been the chauffer! LoL and the go-fer, personal shopper etc., etc. He needs something ‘to do’ in order to cope and I need him ‘to do’ in order for me to cope! *smiles* I guess we’re perfectly paired.

I slept at the hospital for 5 weeks, he travelled back and forth 2hrs each way daily for the last 4. Hospital food was not up to what W wanted so he made daily dinner runs as well! *chuckle* At least the kid kept eating …. that was a huge factor in helping him recover so we’re not complaining.

I miss my dynamic, or at least the pull or want for one but I can’t say my head is anywhere near that right now. It’s just not. We haven’t been intimate since before this all started, not sexually anyway, and I can’t say I’m much missing that right now either. I miss the idea of it occasionally but the thought of actually doing something about it is not enticing.

What does that mean? I don’t know, not very interested in that right now either! lol

My physical health has suffered, there is no doubt there, and my pain levels and hEDS flare(s) have been enough of a strain on my mind to keep everything else, except for W’s recovery, a hazy far off cloud. Will Bear and bunny come back around??

I don’t really have an answer for that, I know I have always put a lot of energy into keeping us ‘whole’ and I don’t have the reserves for that right now. I did have a dream that my ‘toys’ were all stolen and I was rather distraught. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m not ready to retire yet. Plus, I find myself here again too …. *shrug*

Anywho ….

Happy New Year, friends! ❤

An Update

I wanted to thank everyone who reached out and touched base with me to offer their support, well wishes and prayers. I’m short on time these days and so I hope this update will do the trick for now.

My youngest has severe anxiety that we have been trying to manage for about 6 years now. I have written at length on my other blog site. He has also been fighting some PTSD thanks to an a**hole of a teacher in 9th grade ….. *sigh* But that’s all elsewhere, the point is that due to those issues I have been sleeping in the hospital with him these past two weeks.

Bear and I both for the first week until they moved us to a much smaller room. I now sleep in a chair and Bear runs back and forth 2hrs each way to get things we need, laundry and take care of the house and dog. We have my oldest and family to help as well so we are blessed in that way.

So far we have found cancer in his spinal fluid so more treatment options were added. A brain bleed that we have had to manage but luckily no surgery, and his sugar has spiked making him ‘diabetic’ for a time. It has been managed with diet and some insulin but so far it’s looking like it will go away once the prednisone has run its course. Fingers crossed.

They have found some ‘twisted’ up veins in his brain that we are keeping a close eye on as well, it was found because he was having major headaches that just wouldn’t stop. One had ruptured, hence the bleed, but the others look stable. It will mean follow ups with the neuro surgeon for the foreseeable future. Better than not knowing I suppose.

So besides the sleeplessness, distance and obvious stressors ….. no, we are not kinking it up. We are still who we are and like what we like but for now all of that is just a slow simmer, a memory.

‘Bunny’ is on hold, ‘nijntje’ is on low reacting to any and all signs from Bear – and the warrior is back to take care of business.

As always, be well! ❤