Party

A few weeks ago I mentioned that we were about to have a very large party in our home, yard really. No the party was not for us but it was here.

It was all of the Bear’s family and many friends. We had been busy, I was very sick but the party went well.

Once I finally did make it out to join in this is how I spent my afternoon.

IMG_0755

Wearing the nijntje He gave me some time ago, and nothing kinky but I think He’s claimed His prize.

This is just one of the pictures caught without our knowledge. It wasn’t planned, it’s just us.

It’s just life here. 🙂

 

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Music-ing again! surprised??

I’ve always liked this one, I think 20+ is enough to be allowed to play it, don’t you? 😉

And it fits so nicely ….. 😀 Thank you for taking me …. I really did have the time of my life!

Yup, just yup ….

Another ordinary day, another day of responsibilities and appointments. No corsets, no high heels, no shows to be put on, but we still connected! 😉

The Bear gets up early, before the dawn on a regular basis. Most nights I don’t sleep well so I stay in bed, well after He says good morning (still need to set up that petition) and have a good day as usual. Lately since things have been ‘adjusted’ around here I have been sleeping better, yay!  This morning The Bear was home, we had things to do …

We went to bed early last night because He was tired, I always go to bed and stay in bed with the Bear, not sure if it’s a rule or not but it’s what we’ve done for 23 years, why stop now? If I can’t sleep on the odd occasion then I ask to get up, if He’s sleeping and it’s 2 am then I don’t disturb Him but most often roll around for 2 or 3 hours instead… such is life! Anyhow …

We were in bed early so we were both up before the dawn. Since I’ve decided not to listen to the ‘experts’ and to just ‘do’ instead ….. I guess I’ve gotten good at making my thoughts clear, whether through ‘dance’ or words, what I am thinking is coming across loud and clear! *giggle* And guess what happened?

Yeah, so no stage was set and no costume was worn but it’s a hot Fall in the Great White North and the predawn hours are quite nice when one sneaks out to the detached garage to reconnect and recharge before the kids wake or the people start to stir!

Yup, I think we’ve got this. I could have waited around for orders or did what everyone else says to do, I could have been worried, I could have thought too much  …. but I’m/We’re both happy and fulfilled, all the time. What about you?

I do, He decides …. simple. 😉

Happy Tuesday!

Look Ma, you don’t need a ‘title’ after all …

Taking care of your relationship is not a ‘lifestyle’ thing, it’s a life thing. Never hurts to remember.

Relationships may require a lot of patience and hard work, in order to make it last forever. Here are 6 ways to have and maintain a healthy relationship with your partner: Communication is Key I cannot stress how important communication is. This can make or break a relationship. If there is something that you need […]

via 6 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Relationship — Random Robyn

Owning your emotions

It really drives me crazy when I see and read people trying to hide their thoughts and emotions from their partners or when submissives are told that they are not allowed to have emotions. Real life has real issues and needs real conversations and communication to succeed. I wrote this 2 years ago as well but I just needed to get it back out there again.

The example about dinner btw was brought about from trying to explain to a fellow submissive at the time that just because her husband forgot to order something didn’t mean she had to freak out and stress over it. Just talk for heaven sakes … and I don’t mean at your ‘down time’ in three days, dinner is tonight! And every night … 

There are a lot of interesting people out there with a lot of interesting ideas – you don’t need to take their word for it, this is your life! 

Being submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have emotions and it doesn’t mean you hide them until some crazy set aside time when you are allowed to feel. Yeah I know, that’s what they do in the books, that’s what the ‘meet you two weeks from today’ players do, but that does not work very well if you live together and see each other every time you turn the corner. (I’ve even heard it said you should work on hiding your facial expressions, really? Poker anyone?)

If you only see your spouse part-time because they are often away I suppose you could work that dynamic, you have plenty of free time to think and calm down in between visits. But what if something is bothering you now, and you need to go get ready for your bed time soon and no ‘downtime’ is scheduled for 2 more days? You ask clearly for a ‘downtime’ because you really need one and He/She says no. I know, I know a good dominant is going to see that need and follow through, because they are infallible and always do the right thing and never let their emotions get away with them, right?  So back to real life ….

Yes you need to communicate and yes you need to be respectful but it needs to be effective and timely. The best way to have effective communication is to first know what the actual issue is! Own it, own your feelings …. they don’t need to be logical, they don’t need to make sense, they are feelings and the only thing required to make them real is that you have them. Once you stop trying to figure out why you can’t shove them aside you can start to try to understand what it is that makes you feel this way.  Here comes that honesty again, the hardest part of the dynamic (or as I like to call it, life). What are you really upset about? The first person you need to be honest with is yourself.

Warning! If you are not used to thinking in this way you will likely make up a bunch of excuses or plausible reasons even for yourself! These will be things to help you come to terms with your feelings, make them seem reasonable and unselfish. Make you seem like the Mother Theresa that you are …. I know I’m not.  Don’t feel bad, it’s just a coping mechanism we learn as toddlers to help us deal with our black and white views of right and wrong. Totally different blog but the point is it’s normal! All you need to do now is learn a different way of thinking, of being honest with yourself.

As for being done in a timely manner, well I have long found that it is not what or WHEN you say something but HOW! I made the mistake of thinking maybe I was doing it wrong and maybe I should wait until a prescribed hour in order to communicate with Sir/my husband. All that came of it was that I didn’t address the issue that was bothering me and it festered. He didn’t realize I didn’t respond well to whatever it was and repeated it. Well I couldn’t just ‘talk’ to Him, my goodness that would be the end of the dynamic! It needs to wait, has to be timed out, etc etc …. needless to say small non issues got mixed up with frustration and created a bigger more problematic situation that eventually lead to anger and spiraling of emotions all before He ever had a clue what was going on or that it needed to be fixed!

So now I just state that ‘I haven’t received other instructions so since I’m going to be short on time tonight could you please pick up dinner Sir?’ The answer back to this type of situation is normally ‘Oh that’s right,… What would I do without you nijntje? I will take care of it, thanks for reminding me.’

I suppose I could just run around frustrated and angry trying to put something together last minute and tell Him how upset I was that He forgot I was short on time Tuesday when I speak to Him on Sunday night, and ask Him to please come up with a way that He can keep track of all my scheduling changes so we have dinner figured out for next time. I wouldn’t want to run the risk of having Him find out that He is still human and can still make mistakes even though I have now started calling Him Sir! My goodness the entire D/s world might just fall apart!  LOL

My point is if you are able to keep your emotions in check and are reasonable about what time is appropriate and what is not, then go ahead and talk. You both need to be in the right mindset, but if there is nothing else in the way why not sort it out …. small things tend to become bigger things if you have to pretend to have no thoughts until some ‘downtime’ down the road because someone else said so.

Learning to communicate with empathy, manners and respect is definitely needed but D/s does not have the monopoly on being a good person.  Pick up any human psychology or sociology course text book, it was spelled out long before FSOG made it a work of fiction. At least the text books are realistic ….

I’m not interested in ‘orchestrating’ my life to fit someone’s fictional book(s) – I’ll just live and enjoy my life.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes I think the entire exercise is so silly

The symbols, the positions, the kneeling

I’m a smart, strong, capable individual as is He so why do we need these things anyway?

Then He touches me like that, and looks at me like that, and the tempest inside both calms ….

Suddenly it makes sense! You just need to stop thinking …. 😉 *giggle*

Happy Friday! Ready to break some chains Sir!?!

 

Happy Rabbits are silly lil’ Rabbits – Sept. 21st!

Following orders and then dancing the day away …. *giggle*

Do you remember the
21st night of September?
Love was changing the minds of pretenders
While chasing the clouds away
Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing.
As we danced in the night,
Remember how the stars stole the night away
Ba de ya – say do you remember
Ba de ya – dancing in September
Ba de ya – never was a cloudy day
Ba duda, ba duda, ba duda, badu
Ba duda, badu, ba duda, badu
Ba duda, badu, ba duda
My thoughts are with you
Holding hands with your heart to see you
Only blue talk and love,
Remember how we knew love was here to stay
Now December found the love we shared in September.
Only blue talk and love,
Remember the true love we share today
Ba de ya – say do you remember
Ba de ya – dancing in September
Ba de ya – never was a cloudy day
There was a
Ba de ya – say do you remember
Ba de ya – dancing in September
Ba de ya – golden dreams were shiny days
The bell was ringing, aha
Our souls were singing
Do you remember
Never a cloudy day
There was a
Ba de ya – say do you remember
Ba de ya – dancing in September
Ba de ya – never was a cloudy day
There was a
Ba de ya – say do you remember
Ba de ya – dancing in September
Ba de ya – golden dreams were shiny days
Ba de ya de ya de ya
Songwriters: Al Mc Kay / Allee Willis / Maurice White
September lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Effective communication ….

Originally written November 1, 2015. I had a conversation that brought it to mind, instead of rewriting the same issue, I’ll just re-blog! 😉 

One of the major components of our D/s relationship is honest and effective communicating of wants and needs on both sides. It would be nice to say there were no issues that needed resolving but that would be unrealistic and false. The only time I have known people in close relationships to have absolutely no issues big or small was when they stopped caring.

As human beings we are bound to have differences of opinions or desires from time to time regardless of how much we care for or want to please each other. So as a submissive how best do you communicate those needs/issues with your Dominant? I do mean how best because it is important that you do! Any Dominant who does not want to hear your true thoughts or feelings on an issue that is bothering you that much probably doesn’t deserve the title. Quite the opposite, I would expect a true dominant to be quite put off and probably somewhat upset to find that you had been withholding feelings of such importance. (But that is another post entirely.)

So how to communicate ….everyone has their strengths and weaknesses but I have found a few key points that have helped me in all relationships to be truthful.

Part 1 – First off I try to identify what I am truly feeling. Is the communication about physical actions or is it more of an emotional situation that is causing the stress?

Is it really something you need changed or is it the way you look at the situation that requires changing? Either way talking about it is definitely going to help but you need to go about it properly.

My first step is to try to write down the thoughts and feelings going through my head so that I can attempt to make some sense of them. Just by putting them down on paper usually helps to start to identify the real issue or if it is even an issue. There is a real connection between writing and your brain/thought process. I would suggest trying it to anyone.

Once your ideas are on paper try going back over them and deciding which ones are actual issues and which were just due to emotional overload. You might be surprised the things you ‘say’ when you are emotionally charged. (You may have to wait a while between writing and ‘editing’.)  Once the issues are identified try your best to figure out why it is you are feeling that way. This requires brutal honesty on your part. Are you putting too much emphasis on something or over thinking something and turning it into a problem? Is it possibly just your perception that is making something an issue and maybe the other person is not at all intending it the way you are taking it? Once you are done with all the ‘editing’ of your list now is the time to talk about it.

Inform your Dominant that you have an issue you need his help with. Let him know that it is important to you and that you require their help and attention. Then patiently wait for them to be ready to talk to you as well. (It is not fair for them to put you off indefinitely but they may need some time to get into a proper mindset.) You may even want to offer them your written thoughts to go through so that they might prepare and digest the information before dealing with you face to face.

Once your conversation starts make sure you phrase everything as calmly and non accusingly as you can. Starting anything on the attack is only going to cause the other person to either shut down or fight back. Neither of those are going to solve your issues so why bother. If you are not ready to be calm and polite then the conversation should wait. Likewise if you find yourself getting too emotional during the conversation you will need to call a time out.  Try to be honest but kind about what you are feeling and do put it in relation to how you feel or felt about something as opposed to saying things like ‘you made or you did’ in your talk.

Once you are done relaying your feelings to your Dominant be prepared to wait and allow them time to process everything you just said. Chances are you have given them a lot of information to think about and if you expect a well thought out and honest response you can not rush them in to it. You’ve just taken the time to get your thoughts in order and edit them into a polite effective way of relaying them to your Dominant, allow them the same courtesy.

Part 2 – If your conversation is more of an fyi and less of an issue that needs resolving then try approaching it in that fashion. Try stepping out of your role and just say it in a more matter of fact tone. I will often approach Sir and say “I have some information I think you need to know. I’m not really sure if you realize it or not and I would just like to be sure. I don’t want to be rude and I am NOT trying to tell you what to do, I just feel I need to get this information to you.”

The response I get back is normally to go ahead and just say it. This approach lets Sir know what my intention is ahead of time and therefore there is no confusion about topping or otherwise. As always phrase things as honestly and politely as possible. Most times it is not what you are trying to say that causes the issues but HOW you are saying it.

Open honest communication is extremely important for both parties to be fulfilled in the relationship but no one ever said you couldn’t do it politely and kindly and still get your point across. Use your manners first and foremost and do not rush the other person. Try and take the approach of fixing a problem and finding a solution instead of an accusing and angry outlook.

You might think you are being nice and polite but take a good hard look at what you first wanted to say… there is always a nicer way to say it.

Clarification

It just occurred to me that something I said might not have been understood as it was meant by the majority of the readership. (Me speaking in tongues?? lol no way!)

A couple posts ago I said that I told the Bear I was done with the D/s, for us that is strictly sex and kink based actions and responsibilities. Things like you read about in the erotic sites. Kneeling, spanking maintenance, kinky tasks assigned to keep the ‘submissive charge’ AKA sex appeal. These are the things that are new(ish) to us, these are the things that we are trying to find time and space for. These are the things I consider our D/s journey.

We’ve been acting on the kink and symbolic part of our relationship for bout 5 years now BUT since the beginning The Bear has taken care of me and all my other needs. Those are not what I consider new and sometimes difficult to fit into life.

Things were never contracted out but proper behaviour and manners have always been part of our relationship. A calm, safe and responsible husband that grounds me and keeps me from harm has always been part of our relationship. I have always turned to Him and only Him when the weight of the world gets too heavy and He has never let me down. In turn I have always let Him have final say in any and all decisions. He has no interest in micromanaging me but if it’s important to Him it’s followed by me, simple as that.

‘Done with the D/s’ to me is only kink and sex based orders and responsibilities not the position in our marriage or care given from that position.

No, this is not what others might view as D/s and no this isn’t all that D/s or M/s is all about. This is just our journey and this is where the labels and titles came into play for us. These are the things that sometimes get difficult because life tends to rob you of time and energy now and again.

I’d hate to admit it but let’s be honest, at some point the kink and sexy escapades will become a thing of the past, if we live long enough and I hope we do. I will miss it certainly but our connection is so much more and so much deeper than anything we have added in ‘D/s’.

We were ‘we’ long before the label of D/s, to me it labels the kink and sexy orders of our travels, that’s it. No it’s not what it means to you, but this is my story, not yours.

So when I told Him I was done, I meant I was done waiting for kinky orders …. He will always be my leader, protector and care giver, that part will never change.

It might still be clear as mud, but at least I tried.

 

Avoiding?!?!

The Bear has strep throat!! UGH A few weeks ago He had poison ivy!

Do you think He is trying to avoid a crazy bunny?? *giggle*d5417eddba260027b2a021f681a025a5--bear-pics-craft-stamps

Just kidding, hope you feel better soon Bear!

We’ve just been working too hard lately, another reason why we need to slow down and focus on Us.

Love You Always ❤