let me count the ways

Not all of the ways He dominates are obvious or intense. Some of the most poignant are, i think, very obscure to most, benign almost.

The weather is warm and my clothing shows that, and my shoulders are bare.

My hair is more than shoulder length now, longer than i have ever had it in my life really. It has a wavy texture and a slight curl on the ends, it’s very fine.

Not me, but it almost could be! *wink*

It rubs up against my shoulders and back with every move when i am wearing it down. Every rub reminds me that it’s this length because HE chose it. I am this way because He chose it. 

It might not seem like intense play, but in my mind …. it is!

(I like having it like this, now … don’t get me wrong, it’s just not likely anything i would have ever managed on my own. For myself.)

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Today …

Today, i’m not really feeling submissive. It’s okay, i don’t think it’s a big deal really, i think that’s the way real life goes for some of us.

I have lots to do around here and ‘mental health fires’ to put out and manage. Plans need to be made and steps going forward need to be thought through and put into action.

I have things and people to take control for and lead. Does that sound like a ‘submissive’ mind space to you? *chuckle*

Just because i’m a take charge kind of person and i have lots of responsibilities on my shoulders doesn’t mean i can’t still be submissive to Him. It just means i’m wearing a different shirt right now. *wink*

Just because i’m His submissive doesn’t mean i can’t take charge in other areas as well, it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing and it doesn’t make it any less committed or connected. It just means we both know how to adapt and move forward in a way that best suits us and the people dependent on us.

So no, right now i’m not in any sort of submissive space, but once He’s home ….  then i can drop the armor and be His once more.

Balance.

I like taking charge, i also like being His …. maybe i’m greedy but i’ll take both, thank you! *wink*

 

Just once

I don’t fit in, i never have and that’s okay, truly.

I have no intention of fitting in or trying to be someone else’s idea of a …. whatever.

I can’t deny though, that just once it would be nice to find someone else, like me. Like me here, in ‘sub’ land so i could have a conversation and maybe compare notes.

Is that too much to ask … ???

 

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Toys

Like many of you we are in the middle of a heatwave. I should be outside taking care of some gardening, we had a big change to the yard recently and an area that was very shaded before is now full sun. Any of you gardeners out there know what a chore that is, to change things around!

But that heat and humidity is keeping these bones inside for now. One big rule around here is that i’m not to ‘over do it’ as the Bear likes to say and He’s already made it a point of saying it again this morning, twice!

So since i’m on the topic of toys …. *grin* I thought i’d talk about another one of our new purchases. This flogger is the furry one i was talking about last time, i thought i’d give you all a better view. i really am enjoying it!

The other is our ‘rug beater’, not a toy to be taken lightly! Our quest to find toys that were impactful but quiet has lead to this one. It has quickly become a favourite for Bear!! UGH

It doesn’t seem heavy and is very easy to swing ….. or so Bear seems to think so, it’s not heavy and so it doesn’t tire you out. Lucky me … *raspberries*

It is slightly more noisy than the cane but not by much. It’s a thuddy sound so it doesn’t ‘travel’ if you too are looking for more quiet toys. Of course that means ‘i’ need to stay quiet too!! Like other toys this one can be made to be thuddy, it has just enough weight for that, but used slightly whip like it can leave a serious sting, and mark!

Like the flogger, the quality is good and the price, fantastic!

I’ve been busy …

Sorry for being away so much, to anyone that might notice, i have found myself very busy even though i’m actually on holiday! Go figure …

I’ve written many a post, in my head, and then moved on to the next thought, and next, and next …. long before anything could be put down on paper!!  The result is i finally have a moment to write and no idea what i have yet to talk about! LOL

Anyway! I have wanted to talk about one of our new toys, the fur flogger. If you recall, i was a bit worried that the fur would be much to ticklish for me and that it would end up on the hard limits pile because tickling is a hard limit for me.

Well …… it ends up that this flogger we have has just enough external leather tails to make it the furthest thing from tickle-y!

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That image is distorted enough that Bear says i can share it! *wink* You can actually see the amount of black, leather tails that are in between the furry ones. It makes for a nice weight to swing with (yes i do know how to handle one as well as enjoy!) and allows placement and strength to be fairly easily controlled.

I was honestly thinking it was going to be more of a sensual toy than an impact one based on how it looks but the truth is that this sucker packs a punch, when used correctly it can do both sensual and impact play and transition rather nicely.

The flogger is nicely made and the bonus is that it didn’t even break the bank!

Seems this rabbit is into fur after all! *raspberries*

Submission in marriage, less of a commitment?

I ran across this thought and i wanted to address it here, from my point of view. Now it’s not and was not meant as a criticism to any one or any dynamic so i don’t want anyone to look at it that way, simply a question in hopes of understanding.

I believe the idea was that since you will always have the marriage to fall back on the domination and submission is more ‘play’ than real. In the life of those who chose to just be ‘owned’ by a Master or a Mistress with no other ties, is their submission more complete, more real? If the dynamic stops the relationship stops …. or so is the thought.

I can’t speak for everyone only myself of course but i imagine this really does depend on the person and just how far they are willing to go into the dynamic in the first place.

I would imagine that most couples, even married ones who get into this lifestyle do so in hopes of exploring all avenues of depth and emotion. Most of the ones i have been lucky to know have. That said, i personally don’t think many of us could turn back the clock without noticing a very big loss. Especially if you were lucky enough to find your rhythm, your balance, and enjoy the spoils of your labour for a while.

***Now this is just me, so don’t go getting your tail feather in a knot here …. ***

Personally i have always said, even before D/s, that should anything happen to the Bear, i would NEVER look for another relationship, another commitment. I’ve always joked that any sexual urges would be managed by whomever i fancied that day … and

**shhh, no, i don’t want to know your name, and no i don’t want your number ..**

Now, it seems that would fit quite nicely into a dynamic that is D/s or M/s only and nothing more. (don’t get offended, this is my view for my life) I don’t need ‘love’ in order to play around with BDSM and have sex, i really don’t. Once the ‘ownership’ ran it’s course you simply move on to where your new needs can be met.

No paper work, no kids to worry about, no family ties to complicate things. No joint bank accounts or mortgages etc.  And most importantly, no loss of love or marital commitment and all the comes with that.

As to marriage, for myself getting into a deeper area of ourselves and our connection like we have explored with this is not something you can simply tuck away and carry on from without some major side effects. I can’t just move on to the next adventure that will fulfill my needs and help to ease the loss of the first.

Getting into this inside my marriage to me is a bigger commitment than doing so outside of marriage. The repercussions of changing my mind are greater and therefore deserve more serious thought.

Losing a master is one thing, losing a Master, husband, life partner, best friend and father of my children ….. i’ll let you figure that out.

For some of us who get into this deep enough i believe that once you’ve opened pandora’s box you can never really go back. Not without feeling a huge loss.

 

 

‘Dynamic’ is in the eye of the beholder.

*** The term ‘sex slave’ here refers to someone who has not only consented but sought out this lifestyle. Although they live under a certain contract of sexual slavery they can leave at any time. This post is in no way meant to promote abuse or true slavery. It’s just kink. ***

You’ve heard of beauty is in the eye of the beholder, right? The idea that you see what you wish to see, what’s beautiful to one may not be what’s beautiful to another and we all bring our own energy and perspective when it comes to deciding what is and what isn’t beautiful.

I believe that dynamic or vanilla can also fall under that same umbrella of thoughts, especially in a 24/7 relationship where you share more than just kink and play time together. In my case, a marriage.

I’ve been following along on a story of a full time ‘sex slave’, basically living the story book version of what many of us dream about, strive for, in our own marriages. Maybe not the exact content, but the idea that we can be M/s or D/s 24/7 without interruption.

Now, although i do tend to skip over anything that is erotica or sexually explicit for my own reasons, i have read some of her posts and do you know what i have found? Exactly what i have been surmising since the beginning. Submission and that feeling of being submissive and controlled in many instances comes from within. It’s a choice …

Many of the situations i have read from this person are not much different than mine. Not much different than the majority of the things i read from most bloggers i follow. The truth is the thing that changes the situation from vanilla to submissive is simply the twist she puts on it.

Now i’m not saying there aren’t any physical things being done that very much fall into the BDSM or D/s category, what i’m saying is that even in this ‘perfect’ setup much of the day is spent just like the rest of us. You know, with things to do, people to see and places  we would rather avoid but have no choice to be at. She is a 24/7 sex slave and still has all those same things going on in her day. She simply chooses to tap into her slave energy as she goes through them.

Many of the sexual encounters i have read are also very simple, the energy of being controlled or owned comes very much from her as well as her partner. It’s not solely what the Master or Mistress are doing, it’s also very much the story she is playing inside her head.

So as for me, i’m going to keep on the same path i chose to walk some time ago. If i’m not feeling overly submissive for some reason than i am going to look within. I’m going to speak my needs and wants (just as she does BTW) and i’m going to tap into my submission. I’m going to let Him know what i’m feeling and i’m going to just simply be, in the moment ….

It seems a vanilla encounter can become a D/s one if you simply put your mind to it! *wink*

I’m not saying give up on all the ‘bells and whistles’, oh no! Just enjoy the more simple times, who said they can’t be done in the spirit of D/s as well??

My mission in submission.

I think for me i need a mission in order to do this thing right. For me, this is how my submission works in a real sense, in the real world. The married with responsibilities world that doesn’t allow for kink and play every moment of the day.

I have always liked this song, there was something about it that i understood. Now i know what.

I want to be the one He dreams of, standing there, understanding everything about Him. His dreams, even the ones He thought He had to give up on or put away. I want to understand what makes Him tick, and then i want to do everything in my power to offer it to Him in any way i can.

It’s not always about kneeling or wearing collars, not here anyway, it goes much further than that. ❤

Tom Cochrane & Red Rider Lyrics

“Boy Inside The Man”

So long, so long, so long, he's been away
So long, so long, so long, he's back again

When I turned seventeen
We had passion, we had dreams
Thought the love we were fighting for
Was something holy, something more

When I turned twenty-one
We were outside on the run
When I walked out with my girl, hey
We went halfway around the world, around the world and that

I dreamed that I saw her standing there
They're running for the boy inside the man
I was hit hard by the light so bright it burned
And all at once I knew she'd understand (understand, understand)
Boy inside the man
The boy inside the man
When I turned twenty-five
We were hungry, we had drive
When I turned much older then
Ah 'cause the boy was lost in pride

Now I just turned thirty-one
And I have lost and I have won
Still I've kept my dreams alive
Ah 'cause the boy will never die, never die

And that I dreamed that I saw her standing there
They're running for the boy inside the man
I was hit hard by the light so bright it burned
And all at once I knew she'd understand (understand, understand)
The boy inside the man
The boy inside the man

Ah do you understand?

And that I dreamed that I saw her standing there
They're running for the boy inside the man
I was hit hard by the light so bright, it burned
And all at once I knew she'd understand (understand, understand)

And that I dreamed that I saw her standing there
They're running for the boy inside the man
I was hit hard by the light so bright, it burned
And all at once I knew she'd understand (understand, understand)

Boy inside the man (hit hard by the light so bright)
The boy inside the man (hit hard by the light so bright)
The boy inside the man (hit hard by the light so bright)
Boy inside the man yeah (hit hard by the light so bright)
The boy inside the man (hit hard by the light so bright)

So long, so long, so long, he's been away
So long, so long, so long, he's back again
So long, so long, so long, he's been away
So long, so long, so long, he's back again

Hey, let it, let it, hey
Hey, let it, let it be, let it be

Boy inside the man
Ah let it be, let it be

So long, so long, so long, you been away
So long, back again
So long, so long, so long, you been away
So long, so long, so long, you're back again 

Sister cool this face
As if it's carved in stone
Don't leave me in this place
Like a boy without a home
Like a boy without a home

Definitely maturing … active submission

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to grapple with the thoughts in my head between active submission and topping/leading.

I think it was difficult for me because i am so naturally inclined to take charge of things and get the job done when it comes to life that it got confused. Not confused intellectually but very muddled when you start adding ’emotions’ to it.

I’m not confused any more ….. for now! *raspberries* It always comes back around, doesn’t it?? But let’s hope this time it will be stuck! *wink*

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Spent lots of time outdoors this weekend. There was a huge car show, it happens every year and Bear enjoys going.  I’ve written about it a few times and i’ve even posted some cool pictures!

Physically it can be a real feat for me depending on how things are working that day, it’s ever changing. This year i was feeling okay so we went, took the oldest and his gf as well and the weather was just beautiful. Couldn’t have asked for better really.

This year was a 40th ‘anniversary party’ for a local car restoration company as well and so cars were set up in two different locations. We made it through the first place, then i lost a shoe! UGH It fell apart and the upper separated from the heal. I couldn’t really continue on that way and being bare foot was not an option. Home we came ….

We had already seen all the cars in that area fortunately BUT i had wanted to go and see the collection of Harley Davidson’s next door. THAT part we had to miss out on! *pout*

Anyway, we made our way home, i changed shoes and we went back up town to see the rest of the classic cars on the strip. It was nice and i know Bear enjoys it but by this time i was over heating and starting to feel rather …. ugh ….

Now in the ‘beginning’ i would have kept going, i would have followed Him to whatever else He wanted to meander through, even though there really was nothing left of great consequence, and i would have gotten more and more upset with each step.

I would have been mad that He didn’t realize i was ‘done’ and in need of a break. I would have been mad that He was too busy enjoying Himself to be micro-focused on me! *chuckle* That’s not really fair, is it? When you are dizzy, hurting and generally unwell it can be hard to stay positive and rational. But we’ve been through this before ….

So i asked Him if there was anything else special that He really wanted to see because i was fading fast and really did need to stop soon. This would be where He realized how i was doing and took control of the situation.

‘There is nothing that important, we’re going home, you’re getting a cold drink and putting your feet up for a while. You need rest and you are done for today. Understand?’

***** ***** *****

Sunday morning was beautiful, the sun was shining again and the temperature still cool. Peri-menopause has it’s claws in me however so first thing in the morning i’m always overly hot! No one but the Bear is up and out of bed so i wander downstairs with some clothes … in hand. *smirk* He won’t usually order it because of my raynaud’s but i know He wants it so, why not??

I used to feel like i was ‘forcing His hand’ somehow by showing up naked but if i’m honest i know it’s just what He would want. So why complicate it?? Some days he orders me close so He can have His way and some days He simply orders me to sit at His feet. Sounds like i’m not leading anything if you ask me, simply offering.

It takes the worry away however, so He doesn’t need to second guess if today is a good day for kink or if my body is rebelling and i’m freezing despite the hot humid weather we are having. Unfortunately i have those days too …

Once my body started to cool i found some clothing to wear but it was soft and flowy. Since right now i’m not suffering from the heavy and sore breasts that also happens from time to time (thanks peri-menopause) i went bra-less for the morning, again an active act of submission. I know He likes it but is cautious to not actually hurt me.

***** ***** *****

I think my summer resolution is working out rather well so far. I feel much more His submissive and much less stressed over

should i,

could i,

would i???

I know Him well, i know what He likes and i know He has no problem telling me when ‘it’s not the time’ *pout* 

***** ***** *****

I knew i was going to write about my weekend but i was’t sure exactly how. Then i read something about active and passive submission.

It’s not the first time i’ve read the concept, not even the first time i’ve written about it myself. I think it is however the first time i have read of another dominant stating that they have a preference for it.

I think in the back of my mind the impasse was always due to the fact that i was the one who put this idea, this lifestyle, at His feet. It always worried me that my active submission was actually more like topping.

Reading that someone else, who chose this life themselves also has a preference for it makes me feel like i’m just following the Bear’s lead and submitting in a way He finds appealing, and once and for all seals shut the idea that i’m not submitting at all.

The timing is perfect, my resolution made and the reinforcement form outside completes the deal.

Happy Monday! ❤

Bittersweet

The adjective bittersweet doesn’t just refer to taste. It can also describe a blend of emotions that are sweet but also tinged with sadness. … The feelings and memories you have make you simultaneously happy and sad, and are therefore bittersweet.

As the school year windes down around here i get less and less work until summer break finally arrives! Today is one of those slower days … and the youngest was off to school for the morning.

It seems the Bear really enjoyed the thought of having me run around in nothing but cuffs, collar and plugged .. and the pictures i saved for Him might have had something to do with it! *wink* He decided to day that i should do the same, for one hour was His order.cropped-20190618_133956_2.jpg

I enjoyed the experience the first time when it was me thinking it up but for some reason when He ordered it, well it just added a whole new dimension.

I added an anal hook instead of just a regular plug and i attached it to my collar with chains. I DO LOVE CHAINS! *grin* With no one here to worry about i got to enjoy the feel and the rattle of my bonds while i worked around the house cleaning up from breakfast and doing some vacuuming etc.

It really did transform my morning from chore filled to ‘floaty’ … is that a thing?? Anyhow …

Sure enough i got interrupted before i was able to get to the end of the hour. You see the youngest had an exam today, his final exam for the year. His exam complete he was messaging for a ride home.

Off with all the chains and cuffs and on with the regular everyday. The bittersweet moment made more poignant with every additional stitch of clothing. I have no doubt that the youngest will be home bound from now until the start of the next school year in September unless he is with one of us.

Getting closer to summer break means finally getting a few moments to explore and enjoy the life we would like BUT it also means that the opportunities for such are once again at an end.