Lean into me – a different kind of D/s

A new type of domination and submission?

I’ve been pretty comfortable in my dynamic for some time now, even on the boring non-sexy days which of course happen too often in my opinion! *smirk* (sorry, bunny sneaks out every so often and causes ‘trouble’! :P)

There are many types of dynamics and varying degrees of domination or submission that can be experienced. None of them right or wrong and none better than the other either, the measure of success is simply whether or not it works for you.

I thought perhaps i’d share a little bit of how mine works with you since i haven’t really seen it represented. i may have missed you if you have, i certainly haven’t read all there is to find on the great wide web, i just haven’t found you yet. 😉 Okay, let’s be honest, i tend to stay away from all things ‘internet’ and ‘community’ if possible so unless you are on here i likely won’t find you.

Firstly let me start off by saying i don’t agree with this notion of ‘real’ or ‘true’ anything, i don’t believe that you can only be ‘born this way’ or it’s fake.

Secondly, i believe that people will often times evolve and whatever worked 10 or 15 years ago may no longer work for you now, and so you make a change. It doesn’t mean you were wearing a mask then and it doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough now. It’s natural for life to shape and change your path as you move through this world, the notion that you will forever be as you were is narrow.

To put it into a D/s or BDSM context, when i was young i would never have been the submissive in bed. (Or anywhere.) It was not something in my wheelhouse, to be told or led or whatever … simply not possible, I was very often the initiator and that may or may not turn into a very primal event (most often did) but never was submission on the table. Side note – i never wanted my partner submissive either, i needed someone as strong as me.

After meeting the Bear and getting married and finally being ‘safe’ in my world, my fantasies turned to CNC. I guess you could say that is still in someways primal but it does take the initiating/the control out of my hands. It was still not submission but it was putting me into a submissive position in bed, and that i enjoyed very much!

Now, some 20+ years later and i have no real want for initiating or controlling anything in the bedroom, i don’t even feel the need for anything ‘primal’ these days. Things may still be very sensual and ‘out of control’ in our time together but it’s more a submissive high, and all encompassing energy – not pushing and scratching and trying to get away. (Bear does still need that CNC at times so i do try to tap into that energy but it is not my first choice.)

This doesn’t mean i don’t ever start things though, i think that may be a misconception that when you are D/s 24/7 you should never as the submissive ask/start anything sexual. To me that depends entirely on your dominant and what their needs or wants are. If He/She likes it when you tease or beg than it’s right, so do it! No guilt and no comparing, do what feels right to you both, what works for you both and it is right, simple.

Outside the bedroom however, if your D/s is more than just sexual, you may like me/us find that complete control is not needed or even possible. I fall squarely into the submissive/rope bunny category but out in the real world i am nothing if not completely dominant and in control. It’s not a mask i wear until i get home, it’s me. It’s simply another aspect of my personality.

This leads me to our type of D/s, the one that may be short on representation. You guys tell me …. *wink*

I live and work in a dominant way, i don’t need to be held and guided through things, i don’t often require assistance at all. Bear doesn’t try to ‘teach’ or ‘shelter’ me, He doesn’t have to and He’s fully aware of that fact. We have set life up so that He has control over things and we do have rules that help to promote that but it’s all really symbolic most of the time.

When D/s really becomes the center of things outside the bedroom is when i lean into Him. He doesn’t follow me around trying to see when i need something and when i don’t. He knows i generally ‘have this’ and to try and chase me around or guess would be time consuming and frankly, exhausting!

This is where my strength comes in, this is that part where people say submission takes strength and work, at least it is for me. This is where my evolution led, this is why years ago i wouldn’t have done it, i wouldn’t have been able to. Now however, with His strength and His patience and His guidance over the years …. now, if i am in need of Him i go to Him, i lean in and He takes over. 

It’s quick, it’s simple and almost always unspoken. Bear is a visual communicator and i have learned that so i remember and i make use of it.

It may not be as obvious as those who need to be told and controlled all the time but in my view just because i don’t need rules on how to get the house clean or when to go to bed doesn’t mean i’m any less in this dance of D/s.

When i need Him i go to Him, He takes hold and takes over, every time, without fail. Simple …. but i can’t sit back and wait, that’s just not the way it works. If i don’t have the submissive spirit to go to Him in the first place than my need will likely go unmet, at least until it’s been much too long and i’m already in a bad space in my mind. So why wait?

Happy Friday! ❤

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder ..

… but, sometimes the beholder needs a bit of help to see it. ❤

I’ve been musing recently how it used to be when i had a small group of like minded friends to chat with. It was nice to just be able to say what you thought without having to worry or explain like you would with those outside of the ‘lifestyle’.

It was also nice that when talking about everyday happenings, especially the everyday happenings that we all do, at some point take for granted, chat friends can point out the ‘obvious’ beauty of your D/s that you just don’t seem to see right then.

You hear often that the small things are what counts and what keep you going when you have more than just a D/s relationship but when stuck in the middle of everything else it sometimes takes an outsider to point the ‘small things’ out for you. Once you realize you can see the beauty of YOUR dynamic no matter how loud or how quiet it may be right then.

Just because your dynamic isn’t as loud as before doesn’t mean it’s not still in tact, it simply means that other things in your life need a voice this time. It may also mean that it’s the quiet that comes before the evolution, the next step in your journey. Maybe it’s both. 🙂

I just always found that it made it easier to see the beauty in our lives, our D/s lives, when others were there to point some of it out. It also seemed to me that it then made seeing the small things in our own relationships that much easier as well.

I think we sometimes lose track of how well things are going when they don’t fit the book version, when it isn’t all kinky you-know-what! When life takes over, and we all know it will from time to time, having that knowledge and understanding of the small things helps us to know we are still ‘we’. Just maybe a bit quieter right now. *wink*

Just rambles! 😀

What do you mean? I don’t know, what do *you* mean?

Bear and I talk, all  the  time …. i mean like, really! All – the – time, and still there are moments where our ideas of what the other person means when they use a term or label couldn’t be further from what their reality is. Not only do i find this fascinating at times i also find it important to remember and understand!

After all this time together, and all this time together in D/s and BDSM, you’d think/assume that we would know just what the other means when they use these buzz words. That type of assumption can get you into some complicated and confusing situations!

Just this past weekend for example, Bear and i were on a short drive and since we were alone we struck up a BDSM conversation. No time wasted when you are busy in life and have very few private moments to spare! *wink* Since things are beginning to look more and more stable with the family we have started to allow ourselves to daydream about what we would like and what may be in the hopefully not so distant future.

The conversation lead to ‘play’ of course. I use the term a lot when i’m referring to BDSM and i guess i was thinking that He and i would have a very similar description of what that was, what that term meant, to us.

WRONG!!

Now, at some point when we were playing more and more often i think our definitions were pretty much identical, but over time and lack of practice (and discussion) things seemed to have shifted between His perception and mine. His definition was now much closer to the stolen moments we get. My definition is still much more of a manipulating of the body and sensation, pain and pleasure, endorphins, relaxation, exhaustion.  SUBSPACE ….. and in truth it doesn’t even need to involve sex.

I think the revelation that we were not at all on the same page with this was a bit of a shock, to both of us, but once we let that sink in for a while we were then able to move on to an honest conversation of where our differences in understanding were and what we needed/wanted to do about it.

The idea that honest communication is paramount in this is pretty well understood but do you really know what that communication needs to look like?

I think it’s too easy to get comfortable in things. Using these labels for a while makes you comfortable in just slipping them into our conversations for ease of understanding. As nice as it is to have a ‘lingo’ to fall back on, when you are dealing with something as intricate and personal as this, using the labels will often times confuse instead of enlighten.

True understanding comes from in-depth, honest, communication and it needs to be checked up on often.

As life changes, our dynamic changes and our needs and understandings change. None of it is right or wrong, none of it is more or less. It’s personal and it’s specific to us and where we are right now. And, it’s so very important that it’s not compared either.

***** ***** ***** ***** so in other news ……

Many of you probably realize by now that i don’t read erotic re-tells. What you might not understand is the main reason why. Besides having different preferences in reading materials, i also realized very early into this journey that those types of sites/stories made it really easy to compare my life, my story-line, to the ones i was reading.

People don’t write about the hiccups along the way in an erotic story, they don’t write that ‘today we did nothing D/s, we went to work, cleaned the house and fed the kids, watched some t.v because we were both so tired and then fell into bed, to sleep.’

Some write sites that encompass both but not in the same ‘fun’ post.  I read the real, down to earth posts, the ones that match up with my life, real life and i leave the stories to my imagination, because those are based on what i HAVE DONE and although it may leave me nostalgic (among other things! lol) it doesn’t leave me feeling like i’m less than, or missing anything.

A different kind of approach perhaps, an odd view, maybe …. but it works for me. 🙂

Almost a fantasy

Bear and i have been doing really well incorporating D/s into the everyday i think. Things are feeling pretty good and even though we are not kinking it up 24/7 we are feeling pretty good about our ‘places’. At least i think you are, right Bear??

Any loud impact play is still off the table unfortunately but hopefully soon!!

Bear has been relying on more mental domination and physical restraint, not with all the bells and whistles of bondage but obvious none the less. When you only have 30 or 40 minutes taking the time to ‘setup’ would mean we were done before we started!

True to form, when i’m ‘happy’ i worry and think less and less and simply act and react more and more. I don’t wait and fret, i simply do what feels natural and let Him take care of the rest. That’s just as it should be anyway, isn’t it?

The shouldda, couldda, wouldda is out of our minds and we just go with the flow as they say. I tap into my subspace and He taps into His domspace. It doesn’t matter who starts it at any given time, i don’t think it’s even a thing right now, who started …. we just ‘do’.

We’ve done all the hard work, we have talked and explored and learned. We have discussed, consented and agreed. The fantasy of ‘how it should be’ and how it should feel and be done is gone and you know what???

We are closer now to living the fantasy than we have ever been. We simply had to put it all out of our minds. LoL

TGIF ❤

Power exchange or peri-menopause??

Our thanksgiving holiday is less than 2 weeks away. I’m not doing anything, we decided a few years back that due to my chronic issues i would no longer be hosting. If my physical situation changes than we will think again but until then, i’m done.

This year Bear’s youngest brother has decided to ‘do something’, he/they normally skip town! LoL Long story short they spend much more energy on ‘her side’ of the family and this side gets shoved aside and ignored. Not sure why they decided to do anything this year but let’s just say it’s more of an insult than an attempt.

Bear has decided He/we are not going! :O

Up until this D/s, peri-menopause started i would have put myself out there, over worked and brought it all together myself and then paid for it dearly for weeks, or more, afterwards.

Now, He says if they are going to do nothing but insult than we’re not going. I say … okay!

I’m not just saying that, i really don’t have any stress over it, it’s His decision, He’s the Boss and He will tell me if we go or if we don’t. Of course once the change started, worrying about all the small stuff went out the window as well. LoL I used to be the ‘Martha Stewart’ of baking and occasions, now i do what i can and only for those who really are a good force in my life.

D/s or menopause? I don’t know, probably both! All i know is that it’s much better this way for us. Less stress!

 

A day in the life

There are plenty of things that go on in a day that have nothing to do with kink but they do have everything to do with my life. I’m not sure where this ‘brain download’ will go, if you choose to stick around, good luck! *chuckle*

Every morning at 4:45 Bear gets up, He comes around to my side of the bed and says good morning. He kisses my forehead, asks me if i got any sleep and wishes me a good day.

Sometimes His hands wander …. sometimes my hands wander. We both sleep naked. Sometimes He wants more …. Most days however He tells me to be good, be careful and to not over do it.

Once i get up i look for His morning text, He always sends one. Some have tasks to do, some simply say ‘good morning beautiful’. If He hasn’t yet than i send Him one first. 🙂

Then work starts for a few hours. If He has ordered a task then it sits in the back of my mind, a connection to Him i guess you could say. Funny, the thing that reminds me most of my submission during the working hours is wearing panties! *chuckle* i find that pretty amusing …. not wearing any doesn’t play on my mind at all, wearing them does!

Most of the time i’m wearing them my mind wanders to the moment when His hands are on me, around my hips and sliding them off, reclaiming what’s His. Bear is the one who removes them, i wait until He allows it, until He wants me back.

Sometimes He makes me model them for Him, sometimes He makes me keep them on for whatever reason! That always makes me *pout*, i think that might be the real reason!

 

 

Most definitely not fair! – (a kink post)

***** In case you are not interested in the more ‘impactful’ parts of my relationship, this post is not for you.

I had a pretty awful sleep last night and it turns out that it was all for not! Let me explain, with both kids in school, finally, i find myself starting to daydream of things, naughty kinky things!

Last night it occurred to me that Bear and i may actually have a few moment at home, alone! before either of us need to be anyway or do something. It has been a long time since that has happened and i’ve known in advance!

This bunny brain went into full imaginative mode! Now, i’m very much over waiting in a corner and thinking He is going to read my mind or know instinctively what i need. Once we start playing it seems to go that way but in the day to day … well He and i are still only human, no matter our dynamic.

So over and over i wake with new ideas. I know what He likes to see, my thought was to ask for some spanking time that i know we both need. Some time when noise is not an issue and the feel and connection takes first place in our minds! But, i wasn’t going to ask in words ….

Thoughts of positions He enjoys start floating through my head, collars and cuffs and the toys He enjoys best. I smell the leather, i hear the yelps … i can almost feel His grin. How Evil!!

I can feel His hand on my skin, rubbing and soothing and His voice husky and low … ummm, needless to say not much sleep was forthcoming!

My mind skips to the time before hand, the time i will set myself up and wait when He enters the house. I can hear Him walking through the house and wondering where i might be.  Eventually, slowly beginning the walk up the stairs.. By now He will have a smile on His face guessing that i’m up to something!

I can feel the energy change as He walks in the room. My breath catches and i slowly exhale trying not to make a sound. I wait patiently for His touch now, His signal that He is happy with my submission and understands my request. The implements will be neatly placed in a tray on His chair.

His hand starts to caress my skin …

“Good girl, nijntje ….” i can hear Him now.

***** ***** *****

And this morning i get up, very tired from my eventful night *smirk* to find out that my youngest wants a ride home at 1 pm. He won’t be going to his last class today due to some issues that conflict with his personality disorder and his teacher has already provided him with the work he will miss. It’s a done deal!

Bear gets home at around 1:20 pm, the youngest was supposed to be in school til 2:15 pm.

It was a small window but one i was planning on taking full advantage of, if He allowed it of course. Oh well …

Happy Friday All! ❤

Punishments, funishments, rules and regulations …

This is a bit of a complicated subject and i’m hoping to get my point across in the most simple of terms. I know there are plenty of nuances here so if i confuse, feel free to ask. i’m not trying to offend anyone but i do have a very specific way of looking at this topic.

Personally i don’t believe that punishments are a very effective way of changing behaviour, they are however an effective way of feeling and maintaining a power exchange relationship. Some people include it in their dynamic and some don’t, the choice is yours and i’m not trying to tell anyone how they ‘should’ be.

To me the way to elicit change is not through punishment but instead through conversation, communication, a deep dive into the action you are trying to change and the real reason why it happens. Are there cycles or triggers? Those are the things that need to be identified before you can start to make a change.

Once you have this knowledge you can then start to put into place guidelines, rules and regulations to help manage that behaviour. Come to an understanding as to why this is important to you and set a goal.

Now many a submissive also tends to be on the perfectionist side. We tend to be very hard on ourselves and expect miracles …. yeah, that’s not how human nature works, is it? Even if you are lucky enough to manage to escape your perfectionism as a submissive one of the worst things that can happen is that you let down your dominant.

When something happens that falls into that category of let down, that’s when punishment comes into play in my view. But not right away! Again communication comes first, explore the why it happened and what if anything needs to be changed to try to manage it for next time. Only then should/could a punishment be considered.

In my experience the effectiveness of a punishment is not to change behaviour but instead to allow for closure and to move forward! It allows the submissive to forgive themselves and allows the power exchange to once again be established and flourish. Many a masochist will tell you that spankings are not effective as punishments and in a sense i agree but when done in this light, well my experience is that it does work.

It’s cathartic, it’s obvious and it allows for the release of the guilty energy so that you can get back to each other instead of away.

… to be continued, thoughts?