Today’s Mood

I don’t know how long it will last or how far we will get before interruptions.

I’m not even sure if it will play out at all, but right now I’m in the right mind to just be ….

The first chance I get, once things are calm and all is quiet, I’m going to go hide out in our room and make myself ‘comfortable’ in our special way.

Want to join me Sir? *wink*

Love You Always, Sir! ❤

 

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It’s days like these that make me wonder.

I have debated what to do with this site for some time now, I keep it because there are some things that are specific to TPE that I need to write out but I’m not always sure if I fit.

Most of what I have seen out there deals with problems following rules, or issues communicating or protocols and rituals being tried or dismissed. All of these things have their place and can help maintain the flow without a doubt. What I find however is that my site doesn’t quite fit that mold.

When I think on my relationship the first thing that enters my head is not kink or protocols or rules to be followed. It’s not kneeling and cuffs and spankings, that’s not the main theme.

Our lives are stressful and complicated, especially right now and have been for a few years. I rarely have the luxury of fretting over cuffs or ‘plugs’ or other assorted toys no matter how much I might enjoy and sometimes miss them, depending on how long it has been since we’ve had a moment’s peace.

We use these things to keep us connected but when the sh*t hits the fan the thing that brings me/us comfort and makes me feel His is that I can put the weight down and curl up in His lap and expect that I will be held and cared for, just as long as I need in whatever way I need, right then and there.

It’s not all scripted and it’s not all about ‘proper’ protocol, it’s life. It’s complicated, it’s messy and most often much of the weight is on my shoulders …… It’s being able to put that down, for even a little bit and knowing that the ship will stay to right!

I’ll do whatever He likes in bed, I really have very few inhibitions, I’ll do whatever He wants in life, He always listens to my advice and He never acts without thought or in our best interest. I will always show Him respect, He earned it a long, long time ago.

We always talk, openly and honestly, even about the hard things. I’ve always wanted to make Him happy, He’s always wanted to take care of me, whatever that might entail.

The kink and some formality we added some years ago but it’s not what makes us, that’s just the icing. So do we have a ‘dynamic’? I have no clue, but I know for certain that I wouldn’t trade it for some label.

So yes, life is crazy but our connection is still strong. Being His is easy, and calming. The rest of life, well not so much! You want the rest of the story, click on the link. I don’t like repeating myself …

 

Getting good! ;)

I’m getting good at asking for what I want! Odd concept I know, right? *giggle*

He enjoys the encouragement and knowledge that I need Him and I enjoy having my needs filled and the calm that comes from that.

It really is that simple. With everything else in life so hectic and complicated there is no need to make this more difficult than it needs to be!

Happy Saturday all!

 

Leading, with/and respect.

When we started down this road I’m quite certain that the Bear found my personal strength intimidating, and i dare say after a while even a bit off-putting.

After giving Him the control and encouraging Him to take it and use it many things changed. One of the most satisfying for me is the fact that He now admires my strength and has no problem making that very clear!

The fact that He can embrace all of me makes it possible for me to finally let my guard down. No matter which side of my personality He is faced with I know that He enjoys having it and wants to be here.

He respects my strength, He no longer fears it and He embraces my soft side too, the one no one else gets to see. All of me …. respected and accepted and cared for. 

My view of submission is not that it makes me weak, it’s not that it makes me strong either, it makes me whole.

strength

Tried again, …..

Last night in an effort to get just the smallest amount of relief the Bear set up the heaters in the garage, had them running until I was done work and just as soon as possible He tried to sneak me out to the garage once more for just a short 5 minute session!

The boys were busy in their rooms, playing games with head phones on and we were really crossing our fingers. The Bear was in full control and the session went well, I was getting at least some mental relief as we walked back into the house ….. to find the youngest standing in the hall of the back door entrance! Of Course!

The switch from ‘taken’ to in charge was instant in my brain and damage control was first on my mind. We have a freezer in the garage and he was here to ask about dinner so I played it off like I was out there taking inventory and carried on in my role as mom. The relaxed slump of my body was gone and the straight back and head held high mindset was back. We had come in because of the cold and were hoping for a few minutes of aftercare in the house, on the couch before starting dinner. So much for that idea ….

It’s not that we don’t keep trying, we just have no luck! *chuckle*

We did get to a few more minutes of being ‘us’ just before bed. We settle the boys in for the night and make sure all concerns and conversations have been had and then we settle in to our bedroom for some more obvious, ritualistic experiences.

The good news, I’m getting better at mindfully switching gears in my head, like meditation you could say. The Bear is getting good at some new triggers to help me switch.

There is always the possibility of interruptions at the door but The Bear is playing interference when the boys come searching, because they always do.  It’s not perfect but it’s stepping in the right direction.

I don’t like locking myself away from them in case they need me but as long as I can manage the interruptions and they know knocking is always welcome, than maybe this can work. Practicing changing gears is the big thing here so that’s what we’ll do. We’re searching out and practicing with new triggers and making better use of some old favourites!  😀

Love You Always Sir! ❤

Is this stuff interesting and helpful to you, my reading audience? Does this help to fill in the big picture?

All the facts:

For some time now I have been writing on two sites. One for TPE ideas and issues and one for the rest of life. I think you know which this one is. My view was that not everyone who wants to read about my TPE with the Bear really cares about what the rest of my day holds. I have provided information on here about the other site and anyone interested has found it, but not many.

I have come to feel that some if not most of the information I need to write on here for the next little while won’t be understood in context if I don’t merge the two, at least a little from this side of the coin.

Obviously I am having some issues with the amount of stress relief/BDSM that we can practice at this time. What might not be clear is the why. It’s not that the Bear is slacking in His responsibility here towards me but it is that play time really is a very difficult thing to incorporate these days and I’d like to shed a least a little light as to why.

I have two boys at home, 15 and 17. Both have very high IQ’s and both suffering from mental health issues of one form or another. The youngest has panic disorder, anxiety and possibly a few other issues that have not been diagnosed because he refuses to go to the doctor, his anxiety levels will not let him.

Last May he had a major panic attack at school caused by one of his teachers, it was so severe that the school thought he had a seizure, he passed out in class.  His teacher was relentless in her abusive nature but just like his mom, my son tends to keep his feelings hidden and I had no idea how bad things really were until after the fact.

May and June were difficult to say the least with him missing more than 30 days of school. This past September he couldn’t make himself enter the classes. After a few weeks of trying and having to return home he just quit all together. He has been home since. Not just away from school but away from everything and everyone. He finally left the house, once in December to go to the movies with friends …

At this same time anything resembling BDSM or TPE rituals became huge triggers for him. I used to take many more liberties when things were okay but all of a sudden anything that put me in a less than Warrior light made him wig out (real medical term, i know!) Any noise from impact play was all of a sudden very obvious and the reactions to that knowledge from the boy(s) became more and more intense. We couldn’t even sneak out to the garage anymore because of fear of being found out. The mental well-being of the boys is our responsibility and no matter how much we miss our connection we will not have it at the expense of their mental health.

I say ‘their’ because the oldest is having issues as well, similar issues. He was in school this year but also has been suffering from anxiety and after some unfortunate run ins with his teachers, depression. Two years ago he started medications for thoughts of suicide, they have helped and he feels much better but the adults in his life have once again let him down. He has been home since November. He used to want to go to Harvard, and it was certainly a possibility … now a days he doesn’t even want to finish high school.

In a nut shell, outside of a few “Waking Dead” episodes that they go to Gramma’s to watch the house is never empty and we are never alone. Any noise is noticed and negatively affects the boys and rituals like sitting at Sir’s feet or wearing a more obvious collar are noticed.

Things I need in order to reach that space my mind craves are usually very loud, the eruption of energy that it releases is also very loud, and none of it is possible. Leaving the house to vacation, even for just an overnight is not possible right now either. I/We are the thing that keeps the boys centered and ‘okay’. If we leave the house for more than a couple of hours the calls and texts begin …. where are you, when are you coming home, will you be much longer …..

We joke that ‘our parents’ are worried but it’s no joke at all in the real sense.

Other highlights:

  • I am more or less estranged from my parents
  • I am being asked a lot of health/family history questions that I have no answer for
  • the police have been at the door twice in 3 months in regards to the oldest
  • second semester starts in less than 2 weeks and I’m really not sure if they will make it in this time
  • my brother is out-of-town for work, his ex is on cocaine and he needs help with his son
  • my brother relies on me to help and guide him too, our parents did quite a number on us
  • add all the physical issues I have always had, and the stress is making ALL of them much, much worse

I am the dominant force in their lives trying to fix this, I am the one home. The Bear is the dominant force in my life keeping me together but the BDSM i crave to keep my head clear is just seeming like the impossible dream. Without an outlet for my stress my body is rebelling.

At this stage I am in pain throughout 80% to 90% of my body all day, every day. I don’t sleep well and my mind is on a constant ‘run’ cycle. Although there are physical issues at play, the reason for the constant unbearable flare-ups are basically stress.

This is where we stand, and I’m really not sure what to do about it. Our D/s connection is strong as ever but the BDSM i need to decompress is gone. I am not an emotional person, I don’t act out but my body is paying the price for that.

I never used to rely on BDSM but now i do. Just a hopeless masochist. For me BDSM is not about sex, it’s about something entirely different, my sanity.

Perhaps now this makes just a bit more sense to you all.

 

 

All or nothing.

I run in one of two modes, either in ‘control’ or in ‘slave space’. I’ve always known that anything in between was not ‘comfortable’ but I didn’t realize how physically detrimental it was to me.  Maybe I just didn’t want to admit it ….

We have some work to do, some things to figure out.

I need to transition completely or not at all, this ‘in between’ is hurting me, physically. I need to either move from one space completely to the other and back again, or just stop entirely.

The first year we did this I felt great, I was either in one mindset or the other, no in between. Years 2 and 3 we tried to blend things a little bit and I was 50/50 and years 4 and 5 have been more of a blur for me of circling the outskirts of control and/or slave space.

Now in year 6 I am in pain all the time, no good days, no in between. I am not meant to work this way.

My brain has always been all or nothing, I guess trying to blur the lines is simply not going to work.

I think we need to go back to year one, or not at all …..

 

Newton’s Third Law

The physics of a D/s relationship also applies ….

For every (submissive) action there is an equal and opposite (dominant) reaction … the two forces must coexist in order for the energy to be maintained.

In addition, someone must start the action or no reaction will be forthcoming to balance the equation …..

In a nut shell, it takes two! If one side does not act the other must or no energy will exist. Simple as that ….

(Being very scientifically liberal here! LOL but you get the picture.)

So we have gone through a bit of a lull in the past few weeks (month) with life and illness and lack of time or energy. I think we have been ‘at rest’ long enough ….   I for one am ready to get playful and cheeky and see what you do about it Sir! LOL

I wrote this almost two years ago …. seems like a good reminder now as well. Not that I need reminding, I’m already processing ways in which I can get at least some of what I crave despite the lack of time and privacy (main issue really). 

Where there is a will, there is a way. I am looking into some new ideas to work on my over all ‘calm’ feeling … it’s looking like the current state of affairs is going to continue for some time yet to come and I am not one to stand around and wait.

My job as His submissive is to explain what I’m feeling and what I think may be the cause (that part is obvious) and also what I think might help. A few years ago I would have hesitated because of the fear of ‘topping’ or something. Now I know that He decides if it’s my place or if I’m over stepping. 

Providing information is not topping, He needs that knowledge to properly lead. I HAVE come a long way! Yays!! 😉 I’ve always made sense of that in my head, it was the speaking up part that I always found difficult. Not any more ….. 

 

 

Another day …..

Every time I turn around there is something else going on that needs time and attention. Our alone time is nonexistent and any sort of impact play has been off the table for longer than I can even remember.

Even short spanking sessions that could sometimes be sneaked in here and there have been gone for weeks. We used to go out to the garage at times when there was no other way but the weather is so cold that it is simply not possible. To say that the frustration is starting to build up would be quite the understatement, and things at home are only getting more complicated by the day.

My body is showing the physical symptoms now of the stress piling on. Some days I find it hard to even walk. I can’t sleep, the raynaud’s is in full force and now allergies and rashes have joined the fun.

I am missing that release of energy, you could definitely say it provides many health benefits for me …. it’s just another day.

Cheers!

Re-blog: Confessions of an Empowered Submissive — Shaunanagins

A feminist and submissive ….. yup, this says it pretty well. My life, my choice, that’s the point to feminism anyway, isn’t it? Not some of the radical craziness that you hear about that’s making my choice some how anti-feminist? right ….

Like the author says, the fact that I choose makes it empowering, period.

Editors note: This article is a guest post submitted by writer Lucy Bee as part of the Taboo Tab project. To learn more or to read more articles like this, please visit tabootab.com. “An empowered submissive? You mean, a woman who is sexually empowered by her role as a submissive? A woman who isn’t a […]

via Confessions of an Empowered Submissive — Shaunanagins