Rinse and repeat! More hospital stays and drama, ugh.

*long one* be forewarned.

So we’re here again! Two weeks after the last admittance and we are once again back, in the same room even! lol Almost think we should have just moved in ….

Some back story to the last few weeks:

W was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago on a Tuesday to our usual hospital for cancer treatment because his numbers/bloodwork was just horrible. He needed chemo and other products to get him back to stable and ready for Sick Kids in a few weeks for the CAR-T therapy. We did that, then went home the following Sunday afternoon.

Our doctor here had requested our family doctor back home take charge of the case and have blood work and transfusions done in our local hospital until it was time for Sick Kids. I was hesitant but it did offer much less travel and much more time at home for W and for us. He’s having a hard enough time physically so anything to ease the wait time was going to be great, right!??! lol

Yeah, no!

First off the Oncologist’s requests (and mine of course) for call back and set up of times and dates was never answered. I got a call from here telling me the appointments were being cancelled as they were to be handled in my home town. I said, no please don’t, keep the dates on schedule and I’ll call you back once we get booked here because frankly I’m afraid they won’t come through. Guess what, they didn’t!

Unfortunately, me thinking all was set and settled was silly enough to get in the shower. The phone rings, W takes the call and agrees to cancel the appointments since he is told that they are to be done at home. *PANIC TIME* I call back trying to get them reset and explain that I have yet to hear anything from my family doctor and he needs his transfusions on time. I’m afraid they will get missed …. so now nurses and practitioners are scrambling trying to get him set up again because those other times have now been filled for others. UGH!

This is now Tuesday afternoon, still no call back from our home doc …. I’ve left messages, the oncologists here left messages the Friday afternoon before! The practitioner working with our oncologist has phoned and left messages many times as well. *crickets*

Fortunately they do squeeze him back onto the schedule – that’s the Wednesday they realize how low his numbers are and he’s there all day with dad getting things stabilized again. In the meantime Dr. D’s clinic (oncologist) works with me to set up at least one more week of appointments in hopes of setting things straight here in our town by then.

FINALLY!! The damn family doctor calls back. It’s now been over a week since the specialists reached out, Apparently cancer and no immunity plus requiring stabilization for a major procedure in one of the best hospitals anywhere is just NOT ENOUGH to get his attention and response. With all those letters and names not getting responses, what chance do I have???

Explains why my chronic rare condition gets no help either, humm. But that’s for another day.

Anyway, finally we get a response, keeping myself patient and respectful, I take the calls, get the info and set appointments. Cancel with the regular oncologist and move forward. Monday we go for bloodwork, depending on results we will be back Tuesday for transfusions. Pretty much expected at this point, no biggie.

Monday we go in for 8 am. Monday by 10 am I get a call that the transfusion can’t wait, come in this afternoon, there is a 6 hour wait to get the blood products he needs but they are on the way. Okay, no problem we can do that … but wait, W has started with a nose bleed and heavy bruising again, that plus his blood counts … 4 calls later and much back and forth with the oncologist – my family doctor says we need to bring him in now. He must be isolated and we must stop the bleeding! YIKES, more panic, off we go.

To emergency he says, I’ll tell them the issue, go now! When we get there it’s packed, of course. All sorts with germs everywhere! I explain to the nurse, i explain to reception …. take a number! Umm, he needs to be isolated, she checks with the person behind the glass, take a number, I guess you can wait in the door way …. :O What Now???? Come again?

He has cancer, he has literally no white blood cells after chemo so no immunity, and no platelets so he won’t stop bleeding ….. plus the doctor told me to come here asap, that he would tell them he need to be isolated! … take a number….. *fumes*

50 minutes later, after moving him about in a wheel chair inside and outside trying to stay away from all the coughing and sneezing and germs, they finally call him in. His nose has been bleeding heavily this whole time. Lots more stupidity like this later they get him a bed in the ER.

No precautions really but at least there is a curtain, sort of closed up around us. W unfortunately over hears one talking to another saying that he’s just here with his mom, she babies him ….

Finally the family doctor shows up, all of a sudden he’s in full protective gear, triple masked, triple gloved etc and still keeps his distance because he doesn’t want to make W sick. I’m guessing our oncologist read him the riot act over the length of wait for his original call back so he finally gets the urgency. Some of the nurses though aren’t quite up to speed I don’t think. Pretty sure it was after that when W heard the comment

Big surprise, after hours in this mess W spikes a fever! I finally got his nose to stop bleeding but they didn’t let us leave despite my saying he would be better at home to wait for the needed products, safer. And now this …. shit hits the fan, I guess they finally realize I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

Two, yes two units of blood have been lost from mornings lab work to now. That is how much his nose was bleeding. Damn fools. The ER doctor didn’t quite believe it, many tests are ordered to try to figure out where else he may be bleeding from. Nothing, maybe she does believe now, anyway.

We go from the ER to the ICU, await blood from all over hells half acre … hours later, 4 more units of blood he needs to get stable! YUP totally babying him, yup totally fine to stay in the waiting area for close to an hour. For F*CK sakes!

The following day we are told he is getting transferred back to the usual hospital, they are better able to treat him and ‘home’ doesn’t have the knowledge or resources. The first part I could have attested too earlier! So here we are again.

Been here since Tuesday, we decided to drive him here ourselves and get released from one hospital without waiting for transport. We would have just been stuck in the ICU with all the other sick people until likely midnight or longer. Not a waste of time we wanted, or risk for that matter. We wnet home, grabbed a few things and were admitted here by 6:30, we had left the other at 4:45, not bad turn around if I do say so myself. The trip itself is almost 1 1/2 hours.

It’s Thursday now, we should hopefully be on the way back home Friday afternoon. You’ll never guess what, they want follow ups done here, not in our home town ….. 😛

At least here he is safe! Got word tentatively that we will be going to Sick Kids next week anyway. Scary and exciting at the same time. The procedure is dangerous and the first 2 weeks after will likely look very scary I’m told but that should then change for the better and the rest of the stay for follow ups there will be as outpatient, set up in our own private little apartment close to the hospital.

*exhale* long post I know, lots of stuff not even covered but here are the highlights.

Till next time … be well! ❤

Twists and Turns

For someone who likes to write, I find myself rather ‘not’ that person lately. Okay maybe it started a bit further back but I had set my mind on changing that until …..

Despite having a couple of blog sites I really do tend to be the ‘strong, silent’ type in most things. I keep to myself and have very little pull to tell or talk to anyone about anything. This is apparently no different with this issue.

I think my lack of interest is magnified by the way people in general tend to read what they want into what you’ve written and spend very little time actually ‘listening’ and pondering the words of another and what the meaning may be in that person’s circumstance, instead of in their own.

Anyway …

I can’t remember where I left off and I have no want to revisit past posts so I’ll start from what I think I remember – bear with me. I haven’t updated anyone in real life either, so don’t feel bad.

W was let out of hospital Dec 23rd, home we came with the promise of better things. His spinal fluid looked clear and we hoped he was cancer free. In January we started twice weekly trips to hospital (about 1 1/2 hours away) for lumbar punctures to both test fluids and give chemo. January 25th, after weeks of trying the cancer seemed to be back.

Last Tuesday, Feb 8th we had to start radiation treatment on the brain and spinal cord. We had done all we could to avoid it because he is only 19 and not done with brain development, we hoped to not chance any damage. Unfortunately it became clear that we had no choice.

W has 13 treatments until Feb 25th and then back to hematology for what I assume will be results from radiation and a new course of chemo once more. Fingers crossed we finally get the all clear …. again.

In March we also have a specialist appointment with neurology, W has what they call tortuosity in his brain. Because Leukemia, anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD thanks to abuse from a grade 9 teacher ….. aren’t enough for the poor kid to deal with. Oh and diabetes, did I mention his blood sugars are all over the charts when he is on steroids to help manage chemo symptoms? *sigh*

So I think we’re up to date now, I’m sure I’ve missed something but that’s the Cole’s Notes of it. I should be on the other blog since this is anxiety, illness and coping related but since I haven’t even broached the subject there – well I just don’t have the energy to worry about starting yet!

Look at me go! Bear’s right, bunny does talk too much!! LoL

Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!

You registered on WordPress.com 4 years ago.

What do you find difficult?

It is often said that submission is ‘hard’, but I wonder what specifically is it that you find hard? Minds out of the gutters now …… *chuckle*

My first challenge I think was becoming used to ‘waiting’. As a ‘go getter’ type personality who is used to having things done ASAP it was a bit of a switch you could say to start waiting on the things that could wait. To get actual permission to go ahead instead of the perceived permission in my head.

This was a big part of the switch to a ‘dynamic’ in the beginning for us because although I always took His wants and needs into account in my decisions the decisions were mine. I only ever did things I knew in my mind He would approve, but I didn’t wait, not before becoming ‘official’. (That sounds so funny to me, official. *chuckle* But, you get the idea.)

Waiting for these types of things gave Him the opportunity to stretch that dominant muscle and start to become accustomed to using it on a regular basis. The trick was to find the right balance, ‘may I have a snack’ in our relationship was not a decision worth waiting on but ‘I need a haircut, may I set one up this week?’ was …

It may sound silly to some extent but it allows us to feel the flow of power even when we are not actively playing or Him ‘laying down the law’. The simple act of waiting ….. we know how it works when we play, right?? It works on my mind the same way but it was a huge change from before! That made it obvious, to both of us.

Many times I still have to make decisions instantly and that sometimes puts me into a groove so I need to be mindful of which ones can really wait so as to keep this flow going. I think I’ve gotten pretty good now but at first it went from TMI to maybe not enough … back and forth until we found our balance.

That’s one of my examples, what about yours?

 

Why (thoughts on various ideas)

Many thoughts on things seen, read, heard about etc.. Too many to have to explain each one now … let me know if you would like clarification on any … mostly rambling.

Why does it require an erotic book and a ‘dynamic’ for people to understand that you should respect one another in a committed relationship, or any for that matter?

Is it really necessary to have names, and labels for couples to understand that the best way to coexist is trust, honesty, respect and communication and that it will only strengthen your love for each other?

Is it really that difficult to understand that if two people are both vying for the ‘first’ position the power struggle will only cause issues and a riff? Why is it not common knowledge that if you want to be together in a long-term, working relationship one of you should be able and willing to take the lead and the other should be comfortable and happy to trust and follow? Even if it’s very subtle ….

If you do choose to take the lead, then you should understand your responsibility in it, it’s a commitment … don’t forget it.

If you choose to be the one following it doesn’t mean you become mindless or without wants or thoughts, so speak up, speak clearly and be honest. It also doesn’t mean you no longer have responsibilities …

If you do choose to use names and labels in your life, you should remember that people are multifaceted, not linear. Trying to fit into one small box of characteristics tends to feel shallow and ultimately like a life unfulfilled.

Embrace all you are, call on your various strengths when needed and remain humble and real no matter what you call yourself.

If there are bigger issues at play, don’t fool yourself into thinking a dynamic of any sort will fix it. Big, little, pet, slave, Master, Sir or whatever …. some things just require a professional in the field and kink is not it. I personally think it’s unfair to put that type of pressure on any personal relationship, that’s why doctors don’t take family or friends on as patients! Think about it …

If you work on being happy with yourself, who you are and what you’re about everything else tends to fall into place and work itself out. Nothing beats self acceptance and love.

 

Happy Friday! 😀

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

Cliché

More and more I think that maybe I’m, my life is … a cliché …. I have always been about the music, the Christmas movies and the romantic comedies … (mostly music) and I refused to stop until I found the feeling, the happily ever after, the one!

Now a days it feels like when I watch, or listen, or read …. I find I identify very much with where I am and what I have. I’m as crazy, honest, strong and ready as any heroine and He is as stable, sure and immovable as any Hero.

Maybe I’m a cliché, or maybe fantasy come true, either way I wouldn’t change my happily ever after!

Listening to the radio again …**blush**

Love You Sir ❤

 

Well, there’s this one thing ….

So I have been thinking about this for a little while, thinking about letting you all in on a little secret. I have wondered if perhaps it would help those of you who have been following to get a better picture of what my life really is. There are a couple of you who already know …..

I have, or had, dedicated this site to my dynamic with Sir only. None of the regular goings on of daily life are documented here, or at least they weren’t until I felt like my hand was forced in order to prove that yes I too have lots of other ‘life’ to deal with. The rest of my daily thoughts are posted on a different blog, a blog that has absolutely nothing to do with the dynamic and everything to do with everything else …..

I have thought of merging the two together but not all my followers on the Babadook are going to be interested in my dynamic and frankly I have no intention of pushing my values in this on anyone who is not actively asking. Not everyone who wants to read about Sir and nijntje wants to read about my dogs, or kids, history or garden either … So I will leave it to you!

If you choose to check out nijntje’s Babadook I would suggest starting at the beginning and working your way up. It started as a very frustrated and angry site where I was reliving some of my not so nice childhood memories and dealing with some of the crappy people that have surrounded my life for years. You’ll see very quickly that I just couldn’t maintain that attitude, not even on line …. so I changed it. The posts got to be a little philosophical for a bit and then they just became about whatever happened to be going on at the time.

I do still use the site to vent my frustrations and likely those posts won’t be understood by anyone but Sir, mostly because they do come off as very out of character, or at least I think they do … but it is an outlet for my occasional crazy, so that it doesn’t get to rule me.

Happy Saturday!

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

Not any label – just us.

I’m not sure if this is just in my head or if the feeling I’m getting from some is correct (I said some not all before anyone else gets all fired up), but just in case there is any confusion out there in blog land I’d like to set a couple of things straight.

First off this blog is basically an online diary for my Sir’s reading and understanding of where my mind is on any given day. I may or may not be in a ‘mood’ due to whatever is going on around me and this helps me to put it to words and Him to know what’s going on inside my head.

Just as I learn and grow, so too do my thoughts and writings. When I’m going through something they will likely be more frustrated and preachy sounding and when I’m relaxed they will likely be more even keel and relate-able to anyone out there. Please remember if you choose to take a peek inside my diary that this is in no way a tutorial, it’s in no way a ‘how to manual’ it is simply my thoughts and feelings at the time.

If you’d like to ask a question or make a comment as to what I’m doing or feeling than please do, but I am not however interested in a debate about what others do or why what I do might not suit them. I already know that there are many, many ways for people to run and live their own lives. There are many others who wouldn’t agree with a thing I have to say, and if that’s the case then that’s fine, but why are you reading my thoughts then?

I am very different than most people when it comes to my thoughts and actions, off the top of my head I can honestly only think of one other person that might understand me without much explanation. (Excluding Sir who has known me personally and intimately for over 20 years now.) I have no delusions that what I say or think is going to be perfectly understood by anyone else reading it, you are not in my shoes and you likely have a very different way of living, but this blog is still not a debate, it’s just my views and sentiments.

So from now on let’s just say I’m not D/s or DD or submissive or into ttwd or any other combination of letters you might have floating around in your head. This is just my life as a wife who wants to please her husband in any way He deems right. In return I expect to be cared for and protected to the best of His ability and in the mean time we will do our best to live happily ever after.

I never have liked labels, they often seem to cause so many more issues than they solve.

Love You Sir ❤

 

Now more than ever

I wanted to tell you what I see and how I see this D/s in our lives Sir and feel free to let me know if I’m way off the mark. I had a terrible night’s sleep for a variety of reasons but I will try to keep this as intelligible as possible.

I suppose I always have run against the grain and in this I am no different, I hazard to say that in you I have found the perfect ‘partner in crime’. The common consensus (at least that I have been able to find) is that when the going gets tough and things get complicated in life for one or both partners, then the D/s aspect is often toned down or put aside until which time the couple/person chooses to reset and restart.

That might be the general way of it but I’m going to suggest that it is exactly the opposite of what you should be doing, and it is the opposite of what we do. The more complicated and more difficult things get around us the more we rely on the D/s aspects of our lives to pull us together and make it through.

Being in charge and being my dominant gives you confidence and determination. Knowing that I am looking to you and counting on you gives you the will and power to keep going and struggle through whatever it is that is trying to bring you down. Because you know I trust you enough and need you enough and count on you enough you refuse to let yourself give in or give up.

No matter how crazy or how hard things get around you, knowing that you have me here waiting gives you balance and structure in an otherwise unbalanced world. Being my dominant keeps you grounded and fulfilled, putting that aside when times get tough would only serve to defeat and tear you down faster than any stresses. Keeping your role in this home consistent makes all the other chaos easier to manage, not harder.

Being your submissive, even in trying times gives me strength and peace. Knowing I have at least this much that I can count on and rely on gives me balance in life when everything else around me is in chaos. The more crazy and complicated things get out there the more I count on and rely on the consistency and structure in ‘here’.

Continuing to be my Sir gives you confidence and determination. Continuing to be your nijntje brings me strength and peace. Being who we are in the face of difficult times keeps us both balanced and grounded. If this is truly who we are, why would we put that aside in times of trouble? We run to our ‘places’ not away from them.

Dividing was what we did when we were still unaware of D/s and how it affected us, dividing is what we did when we dabbled with vanilla. Now that we know better we ‘bump up our game’ in times of trouble, it keeps us both strong and able to carry on. Putting away our D/s would be putting away our unity and strength, for us that would be the worst thing to do, not the right thing.

So maybe going against the grain IS the way of it, or maybe I just married Superman! 

I’m not interested in telling anyone what to do, I’m just explaining what we do.

Love You Sir Always ❤

Venting and clearing my mind …

This post/vent is an attempt to clear my mind. If you are easily offended or think any of this is about you, then stop reading now. This is my blog, my attempt to clear my head and work things out and carry on with My life the way it best suits Me, Us.

I understand that many people don’t do things like we do, and that’s your prerogative, but this is ours …. I thought I had made it clear a few posts back that I was going to be a bit ‘off’ and possibly sounding different then myself. Apparently that isn’t clear enough, let me try again.

I am venting, I am frustrated, hurt, angry, sad, grieving and heartbroken and stressed …. I am not in the right mind place to answer any hypothetical comments with clarity or poise.

Sir is just as upset and frustrated and tired as I am, the death is not the only thing we have going on at this time. That being said we did spend day and night by Grandma’s bed side, neither of us is yet fully back to our right schedule let alone mindset. I don’t think it needs to be a blood relative for someone to seriously be affected by watching a full-grown woman wither away to 70 pounds, unable to speak, unable to eat and swallow and basically die a slow death of starvation as her body shuts down bit by bit. I don’t think it matters if she is a blood relative when you are at the bedside watching the life and vitality slowly fade and her eyes glass over … as the morphine starts to kick in, the only saving grace.

It might not have been His grandmother but He does know how important she was to me and that alone was a stress on Him. If there is one thing Sir can’t handle it’s watching Me suffer, so yes He was just as hurt even if for a different reason.

Although on a completely different level then death of a loved one we are also in the middle of major surgery with one of our dogs, a beloved pet. Yes we are ‘those’ people, we care deeply about our animals and spare no expense to help what we can. The dog needed knee surgery which she received, major surgery (TPLO) and is in the middle of recovery with all this going on around us as well. Less than 3 weeks after the process she went and tore out her second knee effectively leaving no good leg to put weight on. As a result the first ‘fixed’ leg was over worked and began to swell, a LOT of fluid built up and we worried about infection. If that was to happen the plate in her leg would need to be removed, essentially meaning that the dog would need to be put down, and now of all times. We were running the dog to the vet in the middle of hoping that grandma didn’t pass while we were out.

Enter next stress factor, the surgery(s) combined will cost about $7 000 excluding anything extra with checkups and meds etc. This is probably not a good time to take time off work without pay. Well under the circumstances that is exactly what we have been doing, a lot of time off …. It’s only money that’s for certain but as the head of the family don’t you think that too is a stress on Sir right now?

Next stress factor, and this one is also shared, our oldest son is already on medications to help with his mood and stress management. I’m not going into details but we are obviously both worried about how he is handling all this, it’s not the first time he has wanted to kill himself ….. is that enough of a stress on Sir to now say we are both completely surrounded by trauma?

And no, we are still no less D/s and nothing has gone on hold ….. perhaps I should just say we are NOT D/s, because when it is simply who you are and not what you are trying to be it becomes impossible to put yourself on ‘hold’.

Like I’ve posted before, this is not a lifestyle in our house, it is simply life.