Month: February 2016

Under your care

This is what it feels like when you listen to my words, help me address my concerns and assure me you will stand up for me should it become necessary!

It’s not that you had ever disregarded me before …. it just feels so much more powerful now. Like I can finally let my guard down, you’ve got this.

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

How menopause affects your Dynamic – Mental/Emotional

So while we are on the topic of labels and such and how to navigate road blocks in your dynamic …. how does menopause affect the way your dynamic is worked out. And if you are deep enough into the serving and ‘servicing’ Sir when ever and how ever He wants, how does this wonderful Beast of a thing play into that role?

Well I have touched on the mental and emotional aspects a little in the previous post but I’d like to delve just a bit deeper. I can only speak from my own experience of course but I remember very clearly going through days and weeks of a ‘dark cloud’ feeling just following me around no matter what was going on or what was being planned. No issue was needed for my emotional state to just be down, or angry or completely indifferent to things from time to time.

So how do you cope with this and put on a happy face when your dominant wants something from you and the only thoughts in your head are ‘#@%$’ and “%#$@&”! No amount of centering yourself or focusing on the task at hand are going to help, because frankly your chemical balance is off and this is something that is just going to happen. You need a support system to deal with it and you need like minded people in this instance to find that support system and understand, or at least try to understand, what you are coping with.

Unfortunately when I reached out I was told that menopause had nothing to do with D/s and therefor should not be a topic I was addressing. It was only one site mind you and I’m not saying there isn’t help out there, I frankly hadn’t bothered to look after that incident.  I have never been a ‘chatter’ or relied on the internet for company in my day to day life so it simply just put me off looking for help completely. As I said before, your mental state during this time is not the best either and likely another reason I didn’t bother to look further!

For anyone who hasn’t experienced this issue I like to draw parallels between menopause and teenagers. We all know how teens act and react differently when their body chemistry starts to change. There is an adjustment period where moods and attitudes tend to suffer because of the rush of chemical changes and imbalances that they are experiencing. It’s like they have no real control over what they are feeling and sometimes over what they are saying one would think! Well as a simplified way of thinking, menopause is basically the same only backwards. You are not experiencing an onset of new chemicals but you are losing and changing the ones you have been working with for years. The emotional aspects tend to look and feel very similar.

So YES menopause does affect your D/s dynamic and there are many things you might have to address with your dominant by way or preparing mentally for play or just basic daily routines. Some days the mental stress is just too high and things might need to be just a bit more relaxed then you/They would normally have them.

Sir was never harsh or uncaring and never pushed me further then I could go but the self imposed guilt was my biggest issue and what I had hoped to get help/relief from by reaching out. Hopefully this helps anyone out there who may be going through the same thing …. When you are in the midst of the menoBeast you don’t always realize you are there. Trying to see your way through the fog is a challenge at the best of times, and for any submissive out there, knowing you are letting down your dominant can be heart wrenching.

And I haven’t even touched on the physical manifestations of menopause that get in the way of play …. coming soon! 🙂

(Anyone out there who needs to talk is welcome to contact me through comments. I will gladly help you talk your way through and will keep your comments private if you wish.)

Love You Always Sir! ❤

(For years I didn’t even realize I was starting the process of menopause, it can be drawn out over 10 years from start to finish and some ‘side effects’ are not widely known until you start searching for yourself. There is a lot of help out there and contacting your doctor if you think you are having issues is always a good idea!)

http://www.webmd.com/menopause/guide/guide-perimenopause

In the beginning … how to get what you want without topping

So you did it! You had this wonderful conversation with your spouse, you both are looking forward to the journey ahead, your excited, or starting your engine and your getting buckled in. You put it in drive and start moving forward …. woohoo here we go! And then you reach your first road block ….

Oh oh, which way do we go? There is no set map detailing the journey, the exact destination is unknown and you didn’t plan ahead for the times you didn’t know which way to turn. Now what?

Communicate …. with each other and in a timely manner, always! Being in this dynamic does not mean you don’t speak up, quite the contrary, you need to speak up! No more vanilla remember, no more holding back, or expecting your spouse to read your mind or some story book version where they just magically know just what to do. No more hints, no more waiting around and getting frustrated, just talk.

We all have some sort of idea in our minds of what we would have liked to happen in a situation or other. More often then not, especially in the beginning, it does not turn out that way. Now side note: If your dominant did act just not in a manner you wanted but in His own instead, then you accept their decision graciously and move forward.

If on the other hand He/She is just carrying on as though nothing is amiss and not realizing what you wanted/needed from the situation then you speak up. Depending on your history you might have decided scheduled ‘downtimes’ are when you approach these topics so ask for a ‘downtime’.

In my situation we have always communicated and yelling or shutting down has never been an issue so we continue to communicate as things come up. Either of us will say/would say what we thought and needed in a clear and respectful manner. Something to the effect of “I had been hoping Sir that you would have reacted in this fashion.” or “I really needed you to address this issue to this effect.” (I’ve written before on clear and effective communication skills so I won’t reiterate that now.)

If it is just one simple basic action that you were hoping for, then just ask! What’s the harm in saying ‘could you please grab my purse for me Sir, it is out of my reach’ or ‘would you be so kind as to help me with my coat?’ Yes in the books the dominant already knows to do all these gentlemanly things and seems to do them before the submissive even realizes she/he needed them done, but that is not real life. Real life takes practice and understanding and the best way for your dominant to understand your needs and wants and for them to get practice in fulfilling them is by you asking.

Isn’t that precisely what you have asked them to do for you? Make a list of what they would like and help you learn and practice those things to fulfill their needs? You are well aware that you can not read their mind and that you need their input in order to make this happen, why would their reality be any different? Map it out for them…..

So there you have it, be the compass, respectfully show Him/Her the map of your wants and needs and then let them mark the spot and lead the way. And don’t forget to enjoy the RIDE!

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

I don’t understand part time D/s …

I don’t understand the idea of ‘your D/s’ being on again off again, or only when outside forces are not pulling you in other directions.  To me it is a way of thinking and responding to my husband and in life really. I don’t change my ideas or attitude every time I have a chore to do or someone stops to visit. So what exactly is ‘on the back burner’? Your manners, your kindness, your willingness to try and please him and be respectful? Have you stopped looking to Him for guidance and support when you need it or have you now disregarded all His wishes?

I might not be running around in high heels all day long and I might not have had a play collar on or a good spanking in a while but I’m no less invested in my dominant and His wants and needs.  Dressing up and playing BDSM does not make you D/s it makes you into BDSM practices. Sometimes you might play more and sometimes you might play less, maybe your kink is on the ‘back burner’ for a while because of schedule or illness. Are you going to take away your respect and obedience because you haven’t played? Seems pretty petty and superficial to me.

If you can’t manage to keep up with these things because you have a visitor you may just want to reassess your lifestyle in general. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh but I have never been one to change depending on who is around or what situation I find myself in. I am me, always and no matter what … I only have one face.

I belong to Sir whether I’m tied up and hanging from the ceiling or mopping the floor. I want to please Him and make Him proud of me when we are practicing BDSM and when I’m working or at a family function. And if Lord forbid something was to ever happen that would make BDSM play impossible I will still Love, Honour, Obey and follow Him to the ends of the Earth and back.

So no, I don’t understand being in a full time committed relationship and only having D/s part time.

Play, sex, BDSM … probably, it’s not realistic to think you will be doing the nasty 24/7 – but to Love, Respect, Trust and Communicate 24/7, absolutely!

Love You Always Sir! ❤  24/7

 

Sometimes it’s just …. life.

Sometimes I find it very strange that I am writing a blog about my D/s relationship, because at the end of the day it is just my relationship, not D/s or vanilla … just us.
When things are running smoothly and not much changes from one day to another it’s easy to forget that you are doing something that others don’t do. As I’ve said before, the core of my relationship is not BDSM play, it is just two people loving and living and trying to be the best they can be for each other.

I don’t consider myself living in a D/s relationship, I consider myself living my life the way I feel it should be lived. My values have not changed pre or post D/s labeling. Having like minded people to talk to, that value the same ideas and manners as I do has been enhanced by defining myself as D/s but only because it is much easier to find help and encouragement when you are having a rough day. But then I have never been one for labels and really don’t give a hoot about fitting in.

I never played the scene when I was younger and I never looked for a Master/Dominant. I did not require a list of acceptable behaviours to know how I should act and I do not need someone else to run my life for me and make me happy. I’m not trying to be or act like something I am not and I don’t want to recreate some story. I want to show my love, respect and admiration to the man I married, if you consider that D/s then great. I consider it my life …

Some ideas that are linked to the term D/s just happened to fit very nicely into what I/We were already doing. It was easier to find like minded people by searching the terms and it was easier to explain our views by using the term. Some of the ideas I found on how to further enhance the feeling/dynamic/relationship have certainly been useful but that happens whenever like minded people get together regardless of label or no label. Two minds are better then one etc. etc.

I also found it helpful in regards to getting ideas of physical actions to help reaffirm my submission to Sir. Sometimes you just don’t think of the most obvious things until it is spelled out for you. And a reminder of why and what you are doing never hurt anyone either.

So is it D/s? If you say so – to me it’s just my life.

Love You always Sir ❤

 

 

 

 

Teaching my core values to my kids ..

I’m not about to tell my kids about D/s or power exchanges or any kinky sex play, that’s for sure, but as you may have guessed, I do believe in being a good person all around. Obviously that plays into relationships of all sorts including your spouse.

My children are very well rounded individuals who take the ideas and feeling of others into consideration before they speak and act. I haven’t had deep conversations about how and what of D/s and contracts etc. etc., but I have lead through example. I have always tried to communicate openly and honestly with them, I have always been attentive and I have always tried to take ALL sides into consideration before acting.

Likewise, they have watched Sir and I talk to each other and look out for each other through the years. We may not be perfect, no one is, but we do apologize for our mistakes and we do show respect in our daily lives to each other and to everyone.

Whether the kids end up as a dominant or a submissive or none of the above, the core values of communication, kindness and empathy towards all in this world of ours will be of benefit. The lesson is simple, be a good person – the teacher must lead by example. Just like every other aspect of parenthood, your children watch what you do, they don’t necessarily listen to what you say. It is never too late to start ….