No knife play or blood play is one of my hard limits, no question. This very simple quote holds a lot of meaning to me and I think speaks to why experimenting like this would never work for us even though I have been clean for over 25 years now.

The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control.

The type of ‘control’ I got from it allowed me to shut off and break away from the entire world. ‘The Great Wall of Nijntje’ is what I call it now, I never honestly thought I would get past it, I never really thought I would want to.

I know without a doubt that if I dabbled in blood sports I would very quickly harden my heart again, it’s easy for me and I’m not one to run on emotions as it is.

The only one to have ever crossed the wall is the Bear, the children were born inside so I’m not sure that counts, that part comes with being a mom.

I have a couple of friends and many acquaintances but no one else is inside that wall. I like it that way and I have no intention of changing it. Like I said before it’s part of my personality and I’m comfortable in that, no need to change.

Please do take the time to read the post, it’s very short but to the point. It’s also why I think that if you are or were a cutter, playing with knives is a bad idea. The things it does to your brain are not undone ….

“By now, if I don’t bleed, I don’t feel better. The sight of my own blood spilling forth sets me back in control. I like to think when I cut, “Okay, now all the pain in your head is in your skin.” Once the scratches and cuts stop hurting, I do it again and feel […]


The Rush

Part of the rush the Bear gets from being my dominant and not just my husband is that He knows I won’t bow down to anyone. *chuckle*

The idea of trying ‘D/s’ on for size was mine, mostly because I was so intimidating that even He backed away from me. In effect I was emasculating my husband and in return left to carry on in this world alone. Alone in the sense of all the responsibilities that life throws our way.

I’ve written on this before so I won’t go into too much detail this time but I’m very certain that the first time I knelt for Him He was very uncomfortable. This is not a natural state for me and I don’t imagine He would have ever dreamt of seeing it.

As time went on He became more and more comfortable with the idea and started to take on more and more responsibility. The one thing that He is very well aware of however is just how much He is really taking on. He knows me well, He knows how much I can take on and carry on my own, which means He knows how much that will weigh on Him if and when I need to ‘put it down’ for a while to rest and recuperate.

I haven’t changed, I still run around in the world kicking @ss. I think at some point in our journey that started to make Him uncomfortable when I walked through the door. Now a days however, now a days He stands just as tall and strong as I, He laughs when He seems me out there intimidating the h3ll out of the bad guys and He gets an even bigger rush at the thought of me kneeling for Him!

I have recently started following someone who experienced things very differently. The thought of a strong, independent and kick @ss woman as a submissive was made to sound wrong, or ‘less than’ in the circle she found herself in.

It’s a bit of an eye opener for me but good information to have. It makes my work here and the work of all the rest of you strong and capable people all that much more important in the ‘community’. I don’t claim to be part of any group and honestly fitting in has never been my strong suit, but I am ‘His submissive’, and I’m no ‘less’ than anyone else.

Maybe the ones who have a problem with this are simply just not prepared to take on the responsibilities for someone like ‘us’! *wink*


Shopping …

Humm, it appears the Bear has been shopping!

Without me! :O

I wonder what kind of naughtiness He’s been up to?? This is only the second time He has ever bought toys or things without me. The first time was at the very beginning of this adventure.

Normally we look at things of interest together or He tells me to buy some things to surprise Him with. Now He has my mind wandering …… oh boy! *eeek*

Two days of smiling … lucky me! I admit this is more of a grin! 😉 LoL

Happy Hump day! ❤

You just need to look.

Since I haven’t had anything going on around here and nothing much happening ….. Yah, right! Such an uneventful week last week and this week continued on with a leak in the ceiling, broken water intake valve, I’m now working without a dish washer and a very sore hand. So you see, nothing ….

There is a huge hole in the ceiling in my work space and more than enough dishes to keep my hand good and sore/swollen for a few days yet until the part, hopefully, comes in.

According to the email however, the delivery is not expected until the middle of next week, well after my family Easter, here hosted in my home. Only 18 people or so, all pretty much adults …. fairly easy to plan and cook for right? I’m sure there won’t be too much mess or many dishes to do! Yikes …

Oh right, where was I going with this. I could continue to tell you the details of my ‘nothingness’ but in the middle of it all I got up this morning to a note on the white board.

He used my name, nijntje. He has never used my name on things that others could see. I wonder if He realizes that?

So in the midst of all the chaos, all you have to do is look …. to find a reason to smile!

Happy Tuesday! ❤

What a long week!

It started first thing Monday morning and didn’t quit all week. Extra chores that couldn’t be put off and a shopping trip that also couldn’t wait!

Days spent on my knees, and not the way I like! 😉 LoL

Back to full-time work for me and super busy for the Bear! Oh what fun we have had! *chuckle* I think we both need something ‘extra’ this weekend. I ran into some ‘surprises’ that had been ready and set to go and then unfortunately put off due to circumstance!

At least I know I was on His mind, but there was simply no way. By the end of every day all we could do was fall into bed and hope for sleep, without barking interruptions!

So …. I think I’ll use this ever spinning brain of mine to come up with something enticing! *wink* I’ll start with getting my nails done, I know it doesn’t sound like much effort but believe me it is. I know He likes it and I’m certain He’ll appreciate it too!

We will go from there ….. Happy Friday! Finally!


Submissive AND Independent

I wrote this a couple of years ago and it was brought to my mind again today. Since I’m short on time anyway I thought I’d re-blog. I have high expectations of my dominant, why shouldn’t I? If you expect me to give you all the power than I better be your first priority, always. I also wrote ‘Self Advocating‘, might be a worthwhile read as well, especially if you are just starting out. 

To me a very large part of my personality is my independence and I have no want to change that aspect of myself! Neither does my Sir … it’s one of the things he finds extremely attractive as a matter of fact. I think it’s also one thing that makes my submission to Him much more humbling but at the same time empowering and confidence building for Him.

He knows I am very capable of taking care of not only myself but everyone else as well. I don’t get frustrated or overwhelmed by stressful situations I actually excel in that atmosphere. I am not needy or helpless and the truth is I am the person that most run to in times of crises. The domination of nijntje is a ‘ONE OF’ I can assure you.

Sir has earned my trust and my respect and shown me that I can come to Him and trust Him with my inner most demons. As I have said before, being submissive means that I am not alone. I can come to Him and expect to be cared for and guided in anything I might choose to bring Him.

I am not submissive to Him because I think I can’t manage without Him, I don’t call Him Sir because he said so and I don’t kneel for him because he insisted. Quite the contrary, I give myself freely to Him because he has helped me to realize just how strong and powerful I really am. He has made me see things in myself and give myself credit for just how good I really am. He has built me to such a level that I know I can take on the world if I need to.

I submit to Him because he has made me strong enough to ….

Love You Always Sir ❤


I have a friend …

I know, shocking! *chuckle* Don’t worry I was surprised too. but her personality and outstanding kind nature won me over!

I only ever met her because she married a friend of mine from back in my teens/very early twenties. Back when life was not within my control but I was just starting to really stand straight, and really grow in my own confidence.

There was a time back then when I had to leave an abusive relationship and was left with nowhere to go. Okay, I left a lot of abusive relationships but this was a ‘romantic’ one. Not being one to express myself or burden anyone I didn’t say a word to anyone.

I wouldn’t have gone back to my parents, that would be out of the pan and into the fire, no thank you! So I decided to basically sleep/stay at work. I had to close up and do the books anyway and I had the key and no one really cared one way or the other so there I stayed.

Well this friend was on his way home that first night and noticed the light, he popped in and knocked, he knew I would open up and I did. Some questions and conversation later I told him there was no way I was going anywhere SO he said fine, then I’m staying the night too.

The middle of the night, in the middle of ‘the strip’ was no where for a lady and possibly not safe should someone notice. We did that for a few nights, he would come in after closing and stay the night to be sure I was safe. No, we were never ‘romantic’, it was more of a big brother relationship we shared.

So this friend of mine, she’s his wife. I met her some years later after he and I ran into each other again and realized we now live very close to each other. He knows the Bear very well, I know his wife very well. We enjoy each others company which says something because both she and I would rather be alone than social. LoL

He and the Bear a very much alike, as a matter of fact I mentioned to them the personality profiles and sure enough he and the Bear are the same! No surprise there, to me or his wife. *giggle*

She is always very respectful of him and he is very obviously protective of her. I don’t mean muscle meat head type although I’m sure he would raise dukes if needed, but protective of her emotional state, happiness and over all well-being.

There is no doubt in my mind that she never doubts that he has her back and I have no doubt he feels the same about her.

They have 3 children and some issues to deal with as well, don’t we all? They make time for each other and communicate their needs and feelings openly and honestly. Like I said, we are friends, we talk. 🙂

I don’t know if they are kinky or not, I don’t see any obvious symbolic adornments but ….. does it matter?

She relies on him for strength and he supports her in this crazy world of ours, together they are strong. She happily follows his lead because he never leaves her …..

They don’t have labels but they have what we have.

Like I said, I don’t know if they are kinky, but does it matter? At some point and for whatever length of time we will all have to put our kink on hold. Are we any less D/s because of it?

What say you?

Children are wicked!

Just joking, sort of!

Sunday night came and went and we watched a show on TV. UGH

The youngest is now up and out of the house and the oldest now decides he wants to watch the show at home. With his girlfriend! *chuckle*

So not only are we not alone but we are also hosting! Good grief.

I was really looking forward to being able to play just a bit louder. I know I’m not the only one craving it either. Ever since we changed things up a bit and freed my brain to ‘play at will’ things have been exciting and dare I say we have both been a bit more feisty!

We still play a fair amount so it’s not that you need to feel too sorry for me, and it helps that the boy’s mental states seem to be balanced for now. It’s my mental state that needs to find balance at this point!

Perhaps balance isn’t the right term, I’m mentally good and happy and content so it’s not that. The thing I get from rough play and impact is that total release of pent-up energy.  Whether it be good or bad the energy starts to build and my body starts to tighten, my mind starts spinning like a top and the freight train of thoughts is non stop.

I remember in the beginning when we started experimenting with play and things were getting to the intensity that I needed, I had a feeling that I don’t ever remember having before!

Laying and resting and basking in some wonderful aftercare the Bear asked me what I was thinking. It took me aback because right at that moment there was nothing on my mind! Nothing! I literally burst out laughing almost reminiscent of the lunatics in movies.

Of course He was a bit amused but also a bit concerned. He asked again what was up? I had to tell Him that I don’t ever before in my life remember my mind being quiet, never!

edit ** Well maybe that’s a bit of a lie, I used to get ‘quiet’ when I was cutting but that’s not exactly safe, or sane is it? Although that wasn’t exactly quiet like this is, that was more of a trance. **

I’m a thinker, my mind is always going. I know everyone says that but go ahead and check out that personality I keep telling you about, it’s really something more! Anyway, this is the only thing I have ever found that actually completely relaxes me. After we get a chance to play at the levels I crave I can sleep and focus even better than before. It’s like all that energy has been released and I can start again, for a while, until things start to build up once more and then I find not having the opportunity to play even more frustrating.

I was not sure where this post was going to go, but ….. here we are! *chuckle*

So Bear, time to search for that second property?? *wink*


Stronger on my knees.

I find life is usually very full of irony and just as hilarious as I want to let it be.

I have been working, very busy and full schedule these last two days. It doesn’t sound like much I know but for me, right now it is a feat in and of itself.

On occasion the Bear tells me to wear His ring for the day (usually to ease my mind and help me remember I’m His) and when He’s finally home and I’m done work I’m to kneel and present it back to Him.

Trying to work these last two days has made it so I can barely walk straight and bending to grab something or standing from a sitting position is almost impossible by mid day. Lucky for me I have a good amount of upper body strength so I actually use my upper body to push or pull myself up when needed. My lower back and hips and usually knees are basically useless right now.

As a result, when the Bear came home today and wanted His ring back He told me I could just sit on the ottoman to present it to Him, instead of kneeling. He didn’t want me to suffer and struggle, not like that! What would be the point??

I had to tell Him that it’s actually easier for me to kneel and get back up then it is to do it from sitting. My legs are strong and I’m very flexible. Using those muscles along with my arms to get up and down right now is almost painless, unlike when I sit or stand from sitting.

So when he told me not to kneel and why, I had to respond. “But Sir, I’m stronger on my knees!”

The irony of this really gets good because I have been rolling a post idea around in my head that stems from the fact that even though I have always been a dominant in the world, and always will be,  the fact that I have started submitting to my husband has only made me stronger. Being out there is easier than ever because ….. I’m stronger on my knees!

That was where my mind had been these past few days and that is exactly where my body followed to today.

Happy Friday!