I just cut the f*cken grass! Sir … major rant.

This is not D/s, not really but this is a rant i need to get off my chest. Please feel free to pass …

I know I’m supposed to be careful Sir and I know my physical state is important. I know I need to take it easy and I know I have to tread lightly BUT ….

A girl needs to know that nostalgia is not all she has left! A girl needs to know that she can still take care of her damn self, she is still capable and she still doesn’t need to rely on anyone.

A girl needs to know she is still strong and able, even when her a-hole children cop out! ARGHHH!!

A girl needs to know she can still kick some @ss …..

I cut the f*cken grass, myself …. in this mid 40s heat. I did it, with a push mower and I’m still okay.

I guess the working out is paying off. *grin*

There is more than one way to get physical relief! *wink*

 

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Feeding off each other

I remember the early days when I was searching and learning and try to navigate the way through this new dynamic we had embraced. The surge of energy in the bedroom was obvious and we already knew it fit nicely into the rest of our days, the rest of our life. It was already set up much in the same way.

One constant that was brought up was ‘not topping’, not taking control in any way now that you had given it over. It would defeat the dynamic and set you back to square one. Okay, fair enough …. but what about the flow of energy that maintains any relationship? How does that fit into this ‘sit back and let Him lead’ business?

This idea brought me much trepidation and caused many days of frustration as well, until I shrugged it off and began again, ‘my way’.

The idea of what was ‘leading’ and what was feeding the relationship was very much skewed. Beware the ‘how to’ sites and chat rooms is all I can say. They may be well-meaning but in many cases the confusion seems to be the only thing you leave with.

So now I do what feels right and if it spurs something on in Him than perfect! Yes it might be what ‘I’ wanted but if He wasn’t on board He would let me know.

Getting ready this weekend for our day and after the shower He found me in the bathroom getting my hair dry. He touched my neck in a moment in between tasks and I felt the surge of energy through me. The one that puts you in that mind space where you want to be His. It wasn’t charged with dominance from His side, not exactly, it’s just a natural move for Him, until …..

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https://pixels.com/featured/man-and-woman-stefan-kuhn.html

I let the energy flow through me, I didn’t stop it because I was busy, I went with it. I literally leaned into it, right against His chest. The energy through me spurred it in Him. The way He stood and touched me then changed, almost instantly. It wasn’t a sexual action, it wasn’t even a different action but the energy changed.

Our day was busy and full of things to do and places to be. He might not have started off on the dominant high, but He was now. Every touch and look was now just slightly different and our would be vanilla day was now much more. More touches, more knowing glances, more ….

Everything is as much or as little ‘D/s’ as you want to believe it is. He’s not the only one responsible for keeping this going. Asking and showing what I want is not topping either ….

Happy Monday!

Having a dominant brought back my innocence

Before D/s, before Sir … all my life was planned and thought through and analyzed. Nothing was spontaneous, every move, every sentence, everything was done only after all avenues had been thought through and considered thoroughly!

The danger of leaving yourself vulnerable was everywhere and any slip was rewarded with serious and hurtful repercussions. As a result, nothing was left to chance from a very young age. Nothing was done innocently, I couldn’t take the chance. Both of my parents would be considered narcissistic and then some serious mental issues compound that problem, so child hood was ‘interesting’.

It was about the same time as the warrior was born, my earliest recollection would be about the age of 4. I met the Bear when I was about 21, so I had had lots of practice.

When we were first dating I had already felt the beginnings of being open and easy with Him. There was still a long way to go, I came to find out, but it was there. It was fun, I was happy and very at ease, something that I wasn’t used to but I wasn’t about to let it go. It didn’t happen anywhere else mind you, no one else got to see that side of me, the fun easy-going side was well hidden away.

That might be a bit misleading, I’m not saying I wasn’t fun and seemingly at ease with others. I was, or so they thought, but for me everything was planned ahead, future conversations, dances and ‘surprised’ faces …. yeah, never surprised, never happened. I am too good at reading people and seeing the truth, I almost always know exactly what’s going to happen and pretty much when. It’s part of my unusual personality type I came to find out, but that’s another post. *chuckle*

Anyhow, the fact that He was already taking care of me made my ‘bunny’ self start to come out to play. I felt safe and cared for very early on that’s why I married Him in the first place. This type of relationship is the only one I know, even if I didn’t have a label for it, the connection was needed in order for me to even begin to move forward.

As the kids came along things got busy and complicated but we’re back and stronger than ever. *grin*

Over the last 23 years I have watched and learned from the Bear that some people can be trusted. I have learned that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to rely on others for support. What!?!?! *wink* I have learned that letting others into my space can be okay and slowly but surely I have gotten more and more comfortable with people in general.

I was never a hugger, I didn’t even allow people within a few feet of my person, I would move or have them move. A certain energy can make people back up quickly, even if they don’t know why they feel the need! *wink* Over the years I have become more comfortable with touch.

(One of the reasons we had to get into this dynamic BTW, after years of kids and taking care of life the Bear didn’t realize I needed His touch. No one else was allowed, he thought it was like that with Him too … I know I’ve written about this too, some where.)

Anyhow, all the ‘fun’ and ‘friendly’ other people saw from before was staged. No one got past the first layer of this warrior, no one was needed anyway. My being a very private person with a very small ‘friend number’ made that super easy. Not too much of that has changed BUT it’s my choice and I can open up with those I choose.

I understand myself, especially after finding my personality was actually a ‘thing’ and I understand the Bear’s as well and the way I can learn from watching and practicing.

I have learned that it is okay to ‘give’ and have it be appreciated and even reciprocated.

I have learned that some people are good and that I actually can be appreciated for just me. Not having to do or plan or take care of things. Not having to manage or watch over or take control of things. Not having to ‘work’ in order to be there, not being taken advantage of … I guess that’s the thing I’m trying to put into words.

I can say no when I just really can’t or shouldn’t and it’s okay. I deserve to take care of *me* too and others will still appreciate what I have to bring to the table, even if I do ‘sit one out’ in terms of their needs. Whoa … mind-boggling indeed.

I’m worth just being.

With all of those layers removed I can just be happy. I am free to do things just because and I’m free to enjoy every single moment in life. With all that ‘stuff’ off my back I feel much lighter, much more open and care free. I feel like His bunny.

*** Something to note in all of this, I have also accepted myself enough through personal work to accept and distance myself from the toxic people in my life. I keep good track of what’s going on and with His new-found ‘title’ the Bear feels free to tell me when it’s time to stop or walk away.

If the guilt and responsibility starts to pull me back I know to fall into Him. He will keep me safe and sane. The second I start to feel the walls building I crawl onto Him, it signals a need to Him and it triggers my bunny for me.

There is no longer a need to be strong on my own, I have the Bear. The key is to catch it as soon as it starts and then follow through. He might not always ‘see’ it, I have a great poker face, but He can’t help but feel me burrowing in. ***

The short of it is that He makes me comfortable enough to feel small and unarmed. I know that He likes it that way so I don’t sit back and wait for Him to catch on, I find Him and just hold on. He takes it from there.

I hope these trains of thought make sense. It’s hard for me at times to put into words all the ideas that run through my head simultaneously. I’m open to any questions or comments! 

 

He taught me

The Bear taught me to trust people.

Well, sort of trust, and only some people.

My world in general would be much darker and lonelier if the Bear hadn’t shown me how to enjoy the company of others.

I got an email from my friend today, she wanted to know when we could hang out. *smiles* I’m looking forward to it.

Thanks, Bear! ❤

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Tempering the perfectionism neurosis

A bit of a ramble, I think …. let’s see where we end up, shall we? *wink*

Part of my routine/rules is to moisturize twice per day, minimum. Why a rule? (rules to us are things that will be enforced/disciplined for if missed or disregarded, trouble.) When we were playing lots and lots and when I was on that ‘sub high’ we all get when we start out, I used to do this without fail because i did it for Sir, He wanted it etc. etc. But it wasn’t a punishable rule.

Eventually, as life started getting complicated with the boys (not your regular complicated, more than that) and time and opportunity became scarce, the routine was more for my benefit than His. True to form, if something is more for me than anyone else, I stop doing it. I take care of everyone else, not me …. part of the reason this dynamic works so well for us. It forces me to take care of me, WITHOUT guilt. That’s another site entirely but let’s just say it’s a big thing, really.

Anyhow, eventually He realized, was told, what was happening and now the rule is set in place. As a result I am forced to moisturize but also LOOK at my body twice a day, everyday. OYE!

This past weekend I was really fixated on the stretch marks and wobbly bits that I was seeing. It got me thinking about how things were before. Before the kids and pregnancies and stretch marks! I don’t mean just a few, I mean all over. Truth is they are really not noticeable unless you go on the hunt, but hunt I do! LoL I gained almost 50% of my body weight over again with each boy, that’s a lot! That’s a lot of extra skin needed as well to keep up in a very short period of time.

I had preeclampsia with both kids as well and I quite literally looked like a balloon the last week or so for each. Can we say holy stretch! I remember my FIL coming over to the house for something … don’t remember what, and he took a look at me and said “What the hell happened to you?” *chuckle* He was caught off guard, I’m not upset, but it does prove the drastic change, almost over night! Skin doesn’t like that.

So anyhow, looking at all this stuff and being forced to deal with it on a regular basis and the fact that my chronic pain had made movement almost impossible for the better part of a year and I’m not overly happy with my ‘look’ sometimes. I know it’s mostly in my head, again the perfectionism neurosis, but it’s real to me.

When we play, the way we play, and He gets that fixed look in His eyes, the one that says He wants to devour every last inch of me, all the marks melt away. The more He wants to see and feel and hold the less the marks matter, they seem to disappear.

When He just wants to pose me and watch, or when I dress to please Him and His pleasure is obvious …. All of those things tame the perfection that tries to do me in otherwise.

It’s taken a long time but one of the things the Bear likes/needs in order to keep His dominance flowing easily is for me to ‘push’ and flirt in a cat and mouse sort of way. I’ve written before and here I am again. Between my need to be perfect and my dislike of the small things that are glaring to me, I have found it difficult to act that way, it just wasn’t natural anymore …

Time and patience and care has brought that feisty lil’ rabbit back to me. *smirk*  I’m not just confident with others, I’m confident is my sexuality with Him! I’m sure this will be a huge shock to anyone else, I normally have no issue with my sexual presence, …. elsewhere!

Everything means more with Sir, everything means something. One of the side effects of not being a people person I guess, no one else or their opinion really matters to me. (No offense folks, I’m just not wired to work on emotions, usually.)

So now we have added to the ‘dynamic’ once more. Well we did before but I keep back tracking. The more life gets in the way the less I feel that primal urge to just be and play with Him. But, I’m coming back to life and I have to admit it feels great!

The nit picking and runaway train in my head has calmed. It makes an appearence here and there, like this weekend, but I can quickly put it aside. The animal side of me is coming home and the Bear might just have more than he bargined for! *giggle*

Don’t worry, He knows how to control the savage beast! *wink*

I think He knows, I think He feels it too. He’s leaving me more ‘things’ to do that show His control over me. Wise move, Sir! *wink*

Happy Monday! ❤

‘Friend number’ and Poly

Okay, I’m back, with hopefully a real post this time. Did you all miss me?? *giggle* I was busy climbing the walls! *wink*

I heard this ‘report’ some time back and I knew it was going to make an appearance here because, well, that’s the only real way to get things out of my head. So after some time of thinking on it and some reading of other blogs I have figured out how to make it make sense, and maybe be of interest here on this blog.

The report was about friends/friendships and that we all actually have a set ‘friend number’. It’s the amount of people we can have in our ‘circle’ before it gets over loaded and someone has to leave! Yeah, at first I thought ‘no way’, that sounds ridiculous. Why would we be forced to just set a limit to the amount of friends we can ‘carry’ in our lives. And besides, as we grow and change and our life circumstances change surely that has an effect on the number of friends as well, doesn’t it??

Apparently, in my case anyway and of those around me, it does not change! Now I don’t mean facebook friends or online follower friends, I mean real, in your life people, real friends.

So this leads me to poly relationships and why I am completely against them, for me, for us. This is probably not for the reasons you might think. Although I have no desire to share or be shared, and neither does the Bear, it is not the thing that really makes poly relationships very undesirable to us.

Reading a wonderfully insightful post over there at Sir and Kitten’s Pleasure Place about sexuality and exploring I got to thinking along the lines of this post. The more I thought the more I reinforced the idea that I like to explore and I do have fantasies, some that can even make a Bear blush, but some things really are best left as fantasies. Although poly has never been a fantasy of mine I know it is not something I even wish to explore.

The reason for this? The friends number, for both me and The Bear actually. My friend number is 2, and that includes the Bear as one. His friend number is about 3 and I would say that includes me too.

I couldn’t imagine being in a poly relationship without being friends ….. but that would mean that my friend would need to be pushed out of my life so that I could add another. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. That would essentially mean the same for the Bear! On top of the fact that we both have very small ‘circles’, I don’t make friends very easily or quickly as I’m sure is apparent by my ‘number’.

The Bear is the extrovert, He likes to be out and socialize but He makes acquaintances, not friends. I can’t imagine wanting to get into a poly relationship with someone who is just an acquaintance and would never be anything more.

Reading the adventures of Dayliacatt over at Fetcetera has confirmed all my thoughts. They sound to be having a wonderful time learning about each other and growing their circle of friends. I think it’s wonderful, for ‘them’.

To me the whole thing just sounds like work, not fun. Having to see that many people on a regular basis and ‘play nice’ is just not something I would want on a regular basis. I write about that from time to time on my other site but just let me tell you that I am NOT a people person.

I am still recuperating from having to be out and about at Christmas time. *chuckle*  We had lots of parties and places and they were all fun, but that is more than enough socializing for me. Afterwards I need a break from people to recharge.

I have been off work since the end of June, outside of appointments and shopping for basics I have not been anywhere or seen anyone besides my brother, twice. I don’t feel bored, I don’t feel lonely and I don’t feel like I’m missing anything either. I enjoy the quiet and solitude. I only wish it could last much longer!

Friend numbers ….. I guess they really don’t change!

Sexuality and exploring aside, I would never enjoy poly or sharing, it’s simply not in my DNA. The same reason that munches and other such get togethers also don’t appeal to us.

Kinky??

I’m listening to some old-time rock’n roll, getting things done and trying not to concentrate on the pain. This last month has seen me takes some pretty significant steps back but hey, that’s the way life goes isn’t it!?!

Music has always been therapy for me, from mental and emotional outlets to simply getting me moving and helping with the ‘rehab’. Songs bring back memories as well and this one was probably the first ever kinky conversation I ever had! *chuckle* It didn’t seem kinky at the time, to us it was just part of the fun, probably didn’t even know there was a difference at the time or that others didn’t do it, ‘this way’! *chuckle*

I’m not sure how old we were but I don’t think I was even in my teens yet. Sitting around with my younger brother (by a year) after a long day’s work and just relaxing and ‘shooting the sh*t’ as they say. We were enjoying some treat, rare for us, but it involved whipped cream. Some how the conversation got from desert to whipped cream, to the fact that neither of us liked the one in the can. The tub of ‘Cool Whip” was by far the favourite.

From there it went to “Can you imagine …” the pretty little swirl of the can was by far sexier BUT if you are gagging trying to lick it up it kind of loses its charm! *totally laughing now* So then it’s actions and sound effects of what the tub version would look like and how ‘sexy’ the spooning and blobbing it on someone would be! NOT! LMAO

Time to get back at it! Happy Hump Day All!! *giggle*

 

 

Baby, look how far we’ve come.

Outside the Wall (Waters) 1:42

All alone, or in two’s,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

“Isn’t this where….”

You should likely know by now that I communicate in music, a lot! *chuckle*

The last while I’ve been doing a bit of reading but mostly thinking. Between the timing of things, the kids, and the issues, old and new, I have been going ‘back in time’ quite a bit in my head.

Remembering the past will hopefully help me sort out the future.

I don’t think the Bear would even recognize this side of me, He has only ever known it for others. Funny how far one rabbit can travel in only half a life time, …. so far …. *wink*

Dominant, not domme.

Yesterday I had an issue to take care of, an issue that has been ongoing for years now. One I thought had finally and quietly been taken care of but I was wrong and it required a firm hand. Dominant bunny it is than! *wink*

My backyard looks more like a national part than it does your normal city backyard. It’s my oasis in the middle of the city, it takes time and a lot of hard work to create and then maintain. I have a gorgeous green hedge that acts as a fence for most of the perimeter.

One of my neighbours seems to think that it’s her place to continually cut things back for me ….. ummm, NO! The first few years she would reach over the fence at the very back of the yard only. I have a very large yard. I half thought I was losing my mind, and half thought that there was something wrong with the shrubs and they required my attention. Eventually she got more brave and that’s when obvious, deep cuts were left and noticed by me.

I have been asking the Bear to please talk to her, perhaps in passing then next time she asks him for gardening advice, to please be sure NOT to reach over the fence and cut MY side of the growth. Well, more years have gone by and He hasn’t said a word. He’s not really one for confrontation and although I don’t find this confrontational, simply polite pointing out that it is not her property, not her place.

Anyhow, over the past two years we have been able to get things just as we wanted in the front half at least, the back I am still trying to grow back and fix. OYE! The hedge was probably about 6 feet tall, nice and solid, just a real wonder of nature. Yesterday I went out to do a bit more work and noticed that almost 2 feet had been cut off of most of my hedge. What!?!? She had once again reached over the fence and chopped it down.

She’s always careful to just work from the back up, I think because I had yet to say anything to her she felt it was going unnoticed. Well not today lady! We had just trimmed front AND back, made sure her side was clean and clear, the shrubs were at the fence line and no further. She had absolutely no excuse and when I saw that again …. well ….

‘She cut my hedge again, I have asked you to talk to her and now she has cut it again.’ Just look at this mess ….’ and she was outside, just on the other side and decides to come over to the fence. Oh yippee!!

‘I tried to trim, but I couldn’t quite get your side ..’

‘Yes, yes you did and I’d prefer you didn’t actually! I keep growing and trimming and you keep cutting it down. Feel free to touch and trim anything on your side but THIS is mine. LEAVE it alone!’

A few attempted excuses later and me not backing down, she apologized and I said thank you. *smirk* The Bear was quite amused I think, He sat there and watched the whole thing.

I had no ambition to spank her but I did give her a stern face and talking too. I might have had the impulse to smack her one, but I kept my cool as always.

Domme, no, but dominant, yes. *wink*

I wouldn’t mind some flogger and cane action to decompress however! LoL Not the giving, just the receiving side. I know, what a contradiction … *giggle*

Some people seriously have no boundaries ….. she better have figured out mine. My backyard is my haven, I don’t do ‘people’ and I prefer to be left alone. Her intrusive and now pushy ways are not welcome.

Besides, Bear says I’m not allowed to show myself to others so the hedge helps when skinny dipping! *wink wink* If she keeps this up I’ll have to get permission to give her an ‘eye full’! Just kidding, then I will punch her, she won’t see much after that for a while. 😉

(Although I would love for that part to be true, that is just a joke made to decompress. No one needs to use that against me in a court of law when she shows up with a black eye someone else gave her. She is quite the piece of work I can assure you. Some people!)

Happy Saturday!

TMI?

I have a question, related to something I read not too long ago. I think it might have been referring to me, maybe not. Either way it did get me thinking.

Do you all enjoy when I share funny little bits and pieces of things that have happened here? Things that are not really deep or meaningful in any way. Things that are simply meant to give a smile or show that regardless of how you choose to live and label your life, its the small fun times in between that really makes us happy in the long run.

I prefer to be happy, I prefer to smile and sometimes things happen that I don’t mind sharing in the hopes of sharing that smile too.

Is it just frivolous? Would you prefer not to have that pop up in your readers, or does it do as I hoped and simply share a smile in a world that could use more of them??

Thoughts?

Don’t worry, I’m not going to change …. I just would like some feedback. 🙂