Before D/s, before Sir … all my life was planned and thought through and analyzed. Nothing was spontaneous, every move, every sentence, everything was done only after all avenues had been thought through and considered thoroughly!
The danger of leaving yourself vulnerable was everywhere and any slip was rewarded with serious and hurtful repercussions. As a result, nothing was left to chance from a very young age. Nothing was done innocently, I couldn’t take the chance. Both of my parents would be considered narcissistic and then some serious mental issues compound that problem, so child hood was ‘interesting’.
It was about the same time as the warrior was born, my earliest recollection would be about the age of 4. I met the Bear when I was about 21, so I had had lots of practice.
When we were first dating I had already felt the beginnings of being open and easy with Him. There was still a long way to go, I came to find out, but it was there. It was fun, I was happy and very at ease, something that I wasn’t used to but I wasn’t about to let it go. It didn’t happen anywhere else mind you, no one else got to see that side of me, the fun easy-going side was well hidden away.
That might be a bit misleading, I’m not saying I wasn’t fun and seemingly at ease with others. I was, or so they thought, but for me everything was planned ahead, future conversations, dances and ‘surprised’ faces …. yeah, never surprised, never happened. I am too good at reading people and seeing the truth, I almost always know exactly what’s going to happen and pretty much when. It’s part of my unusual personality type I came to find out, but that’s another post. *chuckle*
Anyhow, the fact that He was already taking care of me made my ‘bunny’ self start to come out to play. I felt safe and cared for very early on that’s why I married Him in the first place. This type of relationship is the only one I know, even if I didn’t have a label for it, the connection was needed in order for me to even begin to move forward.
As the kids came along things got busy and complicated but we’re back and stronger than ever. *grin*
Over the last 23 years I have watched and learned from the Bear that some people can be trusted. I have learned that it’s okay to ask for help and it’s okay to rely on others for support. What!?!?! *wink* I have learned that letting others into my space can be okay and slowly but surely I have gotten more and more comfortable with people in general.
I was never a hugger, I didn’t even allow people within a few feet of my person, I would move or have them move. A certain energy can make people back up quickly, even if they don’t know why they feel the need! *wink* Over the years I have become more comfortable with touch.
(One of the reasons we had to get into this dynamic BTW, after years of kids and taking care of life the Bear didn’t realize I needed His touch. No one else was allowed, he thought it was like that with Him too … I know I’ve written about this too, some where.)
Anyhow, all the ‘fun’ and ‘friendly’ other people saw from before was staged. No one got past the first layer of this warrior, no one was needed anyway. My being a very private person with a very small ‘friend number’ made that super easy. Not too much of that has changed BUT it’s my choice and I can open up with those I choose.
I understand myself, especially after finding my personality was actually a ‘thing’ and I understand the Bear’s as well and the way I can learn from watching and practicing.
I have learned that it is okay to ‘give’ and have it be appreciated and even reciprocated.
I have learned that some people are good and that I actually can be appreciated for just me. Not having to do or plan or take care of things. Not having to manage or watch over or take control of things. Not having to ‘work’ in order to be there, not being taken advantage of … I guess that’s the thing I’m trying to put into words.
I can say no when I just really can’t or shouldn’t and it’s okay. I deserve to take care of *me* too and others will still appreciate what I have to bring to the table, even if I do ‘sit one out’ in terms of their needs. Whoa … mind-boggling indeed.
I’m worth just being.
With all of those layers removed I can just be happy. I am free to do things just because and I’m free to enjoy every single moment in life. With all that ‘stuff’ off my back I feel much lighter, much more open and care free. I feel like His bunny.
*** Something to note in all of this, I have also accepted myself enough through personal work to accept and distance myself from the toxic people in my life. I keep good track of what’s going on and with His new-found ‘title’ the Bear feels free to tell me when it’s time to stop or walk away.
If the guilt and responsibility starts to pull me back I know to fall into Him. He will keep me safe and sane. The second I start to feel the walls building I crawl onto Him, it signals a need to Him and it triggers my bunny for me.
There is no longer a need to be strong on my own, I have the Bear. The key is to catch it as soon as it starts and then follow through. He might not always ‘see’ it, I have a great poker face, but He can’t help but feel me burrowing in. ***
The short of it is that He makes me comfortable enough to feel small and unarmed. I know that He likes it that way so I don’t sit back and wait for Him to catch on, I find Him and just hold on. He takes it from there.
I hope these trains of thought make sense. It’s hard for me at times to put into words all the ideas that run through my head simultaneously. I’m open to any questions or comments!