My sexuality is submissive, my BDSM side is a switch!

Just musing about my sexuality and masochism. My sex drive is on high so of course these ideas are running through my mind.

When i’m sexually charged i’m very much ready to be submissive to Him, like i mentioned before, i do find that being His submissive is very much linked to sex and BDSM. When that’s in place all other ways of serving are on the table as they say.

The other thing i’ve noticed is that my want/idea of what BDSM is and what i need changes depending on my mindset. When i’m sexually charged the ideas running thought my mind are not only masochist but also sexual in nature. Toys and body parts *smirk* that are sexual are involved and so too are sexual parts of my body and orgasms.

When i’m in a more dominant mindset i’m still very much a masochist but the way i want to experience it is different. In this mind space i want more pain, more impact and little to no sexual touching. I want to push limits and see just how far i can push my body …. this is why a good sadist dominant is important.

When in this mindset i need Him to decide when enough i enough and keep a careful eye on my body and reactions. I enjoy pushing myself to the brink, just to prove that i can survive anything i suppose. This was a dangerous game to play when we started and i did realize some time back that i was pushing too far for the WRONG reasons. It was bordering on self harm and that is not healthy BDSM!

I’m not saying that orgasms are off the table when in this space but they are all brought on by pain and impact alone. If you try to touch anything that would normally be considered sexual or effective, i loose it. The “O’ that is ….

In case anyone is wondering, no i am not the slightest bit interested in being the sadist. It really does nothing for me.

Maybe ‘switch’ was misleading! *giggle*

Happy Friday! 😀

Must have been something in the air, i guess!

First thing i find waiting for me after work is the order.

“I want you bedside and kneeling when I’m out of the shower.”

Humm, okay that’s a nice surprise. I guess He’s beating me to it! LoL Then comes the realization, oh crap! He’s been in there a while already, i better get my butt in gear! *grin*

It was nice to just reconnect even in something so simple, and it was a nice end to my work day and start to my evening with Him. It got a bit more steamy than that ….. but anyway. It was nice just as was.

Then, sometime into our fun, it was getting kind of warm for me since i still had most of my clothes on:

“Take off whatever you want, but the skirt stays on!”

What’s this?!? Is that an ‘order’, does He have a preference? AND He’s telling me how He wants this to go down???

I admit the inner rabbit was doing a few hops and somersaults all the while trying to hurry and not let my eyes bug out of my head! *grin* It’s funny what such a seemingly small thing can accomplish!

And it makes Him really HOT, too! *raspberries*

Still sore and still struggling to make it through the day but my mind is a bit easier and my body slightly more relaxed. Impact play would have been nice but of course that window has closed. Next time i won’t be so foolish!

 

and again …. pushing forward once more

I’m in slightly less pain today so i have slightly more patience. Not much, the levels of pain i have leave very little room for thought or concentration.

He is trying, i know He is and i just needed ask for what i wanted/needed and it would have been done. I know that too ….

I’m just exhausted and aching and this needs to stop. I need help, i need a damn doctor! We were supposed to start with a new family doctor in November, well November is almost over and we have yet to hear anything from her.

I always get worse when the temperature drops and it most certainly has done that. My leg and ankle hurt so badly that it keeps me constantly shifting trying to find some position that might be manageable. Walking is torture and by days end the pain is just searing and all over my body.

Sleep is fleeting as you can well imagine.

So yeah, tapping into my ‘submissive’ energy is hard to do right now. I need to stay strong and fight the good fight, still … more … again. My warrior is in full force, i have no choice.

He misses His bunny, it makes Him ‘off’ as well.

So, onward once more. Maybe i can manage some energy tonight to do some of those posturing things He likes! I guess we’ll see.

Thank you to those who reached out. ❤

Listen here …..

You see, if my needs are not being met than i have no want, or need to chase after him like his little *blank blank*.

Perhaps it is time to start taking care of my damn self, that’s much more natural to me anyway.

He used to ‘read’ me religiously, like a bible he wanted to learn. A thing to be understood, revered and worshiped.

Now …. now he would rather play Bejeweled or some dumb shit on his phone. I am not one to beg, not like this.

I know how to get him engaged, it’s what i’ve written about for almost 4 years now, but it has to be more than one sided.

I am frustrated and irritated and pretty much over trying.

He won’t read this anyway and i haven’t much going on with comments and the like. Perhaps it’s time to throw in the towel as they say.

When i hope and expect than i get angry and disappointed. If i don’t care or want than life goes on and i’m okay.

You know the definition of insanity, right? I may be crazy but i’m not insane, nor stupid.

I have so many other things going on, and i’m in constant pain. I don’t have the energy to carry this alone. *shrug*

“I’m not foolin’ myself.”

Rx BDSM (ii)

A few days ago Bear was inspired and decided to play with me before bed. I use the term play because to me that’s what it is. It’s not pretend but it’s not serious and it’s not just sex. It’s more than sex, at least it is to me.

Sex is great of course, but in and of itself it simply doesn’t have the same over all effect on me as BDSM does. The difference? Well to me the act and energy are different and BDSM will very often not include the normal sexual acts …. if that makes sense to you all.

It’s very sexual in nature, at least it was this time, but it’s not the PIV in two or three positions until orgasm. It’s just different, so to me it’s play. He is playing my body like a toy to be used and enjoyed and of course treasured and well taken care of!

So, for the last few days i’ve been more interested in getting things clean and tidy and to His liking. My personal energy in doing these things has a different feel to it, sure the actions are the same but in my mind i see them differently, less bothersome.

My attitude/energy as well has changed. I’m more relaxed, more energetic, more at peace in my own mind.

Once i am able to tap into this energy THEN spankings help to maintain it (still not possible here but hey! one can hope … ) and domestic services are more submissive feeling and even sexual service for *Him* alone runs through my mind.

It’s more difficult at times to concentrate on what i need to be doing granted, but it’s well worth the bother!! 😛

I’m quite certain that He enjoys having me chase and tease and just generally pursue Him as well! He likes telling me ‘no’ just to watch me pout. Then, changing direction and taking me at will …..

sexiest-vampires-ever-ftr1

Ahhhh, told you, distracted! 😛 LoL

 

Is it real?? or play ….

I had started this conversation but i stumbled upon this:

Reality Check

 ‘essay by Anton

His website, although i’m not certain it’s still active:

Consensual Dominance

Theory and Practical Advice for Doing it Well

It explains well the contradictions we find ourselves in when we ‘play’ the way we do and why it’s no less real than any other aspect of our lives. Why we can be queen of His world one day, and a piece of property on another, and both be very much real.

I hope you read the essay if you have had this question, it really is well written. 🙂 He explains why it requires a deep understanding of self, and honesty ….

Enjoy! ❤

What kind of submissive are you?

I’m thinking back over things i have read and people i have known, conversations … One thing that became very clear with time was that there are many different kinds of submissives. None better or more committed, simply different.

I’m not even going to attempt to cover them all, or all the nuances, that would simply be too much to cover in one post. I have been thinking of just a few ideas that are on very different ends of the submissive spectrum.

Keep in mind that this train of thought/post is all very general in nature … so here we go!time

Some time ago i read a post by a friend that covered the idea that her submission was very much linked to her sexuality/sex.  I don’t think that’s a very odd idea at all, i think it may be more common place than she might have thought.

0b1845e57284752313b4d9d17da51169

I think one ‘type’ would be a sex/BDSM submissive, like what she was talking about. This is where i fit and i’ll be back to this at the end.

Next i guess i would consider the ‘spanko‘. To me this is where spankings for poor behaviour and maintenance are used as a method to tap into the submissive feelings and to help stay there. It may or may not include other forms of kink but the thing keeping the dynamic flowing is primarily spanking. DD would fall very nicely into this category i would think. (Yes there is much more to be said, like i mentioned – very general.)

6f484598f3320215219969b5bfb8c229--spank-me-daddys-girl

For me, spankings alone don’t do it, even when we did have the opportunity to do so. They help certainly but it’s just not the same. It begins to feel more like a game or a chore than submissive. I don’t get in trouble, i’m too much of a ‘dominant type’ in life to allow it of myself, doesn’t leave much for Him to correct! 😛 

The last i’m going to muse about would be the service submissive. This could be anything from domestic duties to sexual service and all things in between. What or how the submissive serves is much less important than the fact that they are serving and getting noticed or even rewarded for it. Being of service and doing a good job of it is the main objective, to please and be pleasing.

Again, it doesn’t do it for me. I am constantly of service but it comes more from my dominant side than it does from anything submissive feeling. I serve and continue to serve because it’s my duty, because i excepted responsibility for things/kids/husband/house/job etc. etc. and to not live up to my commitments is simply not in my wheelhouse.

I always go above and beyond and watch over everyone in my world, not to do so would make me absolutely bonkers!! If anything, being His submissive makes me take on less, not more. I don’t do it to be noticed or pleasing, i do it because i know no other way …. i could go on but i did say ‘general’. LoL  

I would consider myself a sexual/BDSM submissive. The thing that keeps me tapped into that warm subby glow, that calm relaxed vibe, the ‘yum’ of being His is sex and BDSM. Without those two things on a fairly regular bases i really do lose that submissive feeling. (For the record, i don’t think kinky sex and BDSM are the same and they do not need to happen together.)

 

Now i still do what i need to do, take care of all the regular tasks/chores, mind my manners and act respectfully BUT i do that anyway!

What i don’t do is rely on Him for much, i tap back into my own natural flow, especially when things get hectic and busy, and i rely on myself to get things done and organized. I take on the responsibilities, the planning, the weight and the stress …. i do it alone and i carry on. If you are like me, a sex/BDSM submissive, do you find this to be true as well??

Personality aside (brat/little/pet) what kind of submissive are you???

Finding comfort in small things.

I’ve been spending most of my time lately in a chair or on my feet. You may be thinking, so what?

Today, i have just enough energy and mobility to work and rest on the floor. I enjoy being on the floor, it is comforting to me for many reasons. It allows my body to rest but also to stretch and maintain my flexibility.

When i’m on the floor i tend to think of Him as my Dom more as well.

That’s comforting too.

It feels comfortable in energy, body and sexuality.

I feel more relaxed over all and i feel much more sexy and sexual than i would otherwise.

Anyone else …. ?

❤ Happy Thursday!

 

Hurts so good?!?!

That’s not actually the case, not right now anyway!

I’ve been hurtin’ a lot lately but none of it consensual and none of it good. There are new followers again and i thought i’d leave you that bread crumb should you choose to know more.

My brain and body are on overdrive and i could use a little hurtin’, but the one of my choosing, not this one! *chuckle*

Kink has definitely been on the back burner lately, both due to this and due to lack of energy. I haven’t started anything and neither has He.

The privacy issue is still a problem and with the current state of things with the youngest, we seem to be going backwards instead of forward and onward ….

I’m still in good spirits and i’ve always got a smile on but i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t frustrating and well, exhausting! Mentally and physically.

**** See, this is what BDSM helps with for me. Getting started these days physically is more of a challenge but once things start flowing everything changes, becomes easier. My body temperature regulates, my (non consensual) pain lessens and the longer the session the better i feel overall.

It relaxes both my body/muscles and my mind, it alleviates some of the exhaustion of the everyday and seems to rejuvenate, both mentally and physically.

I call it ‘play’ because well, unlike some of the other possibilities for impact, like punishment or maintenance etc., this is for fun. It provides a service and is for a reason, as i just explained, but it’s not ‘to keep me in line’ or behaving or whatever the reason you might choose. It’s just to keep me relaxed and happy.

Like you would ‘play’ soccer or volleyball to keep you mentally and physically healthy, i ‘play’ out a scene for the same reasons. It has rules and parameters, checks and balances to make sure both sides are getting what they need, it’s hopefully enjoyable to all players and keeps you coming back for more.

It’s addictive in the same way that playing sports, running, or going to the gym can be and you don’t feel ‘right’ when you have had to miss out.

***** now i’m going to be rambling *****

I haven’t the opportunity for an all out scene these days because we don’t frequent dungeons and we have no privacy at home. I am a masochist though and if my body wasn’t so ‘beat up’ i would probably take up kick boxing while i waited for BDSM to once again be on the horizon. As it stands, i work out whenever i can manage.

The kneeling and waiting and focus you get from a higher protocol relationship can be somewhat duplicated through yoga or meditation. Honestly/realistically the energy source in all of these is you (the submissive) and so is the choice to tap into it or not. It is all about relaxing the mind, being in the moment and tapping into the energy …. i enjoy these activities when i can as well.

Bondage, well this one is a favourite of mine and doesn’t make much noise. My wrists are not ‘happy’ right now but looser bondage gives the impression without the unwanted pain. My ankles are okay atm, so use them, and a nice thick collar and leash always fit the bill ….. there are many ways to do bondage and accommodate injury or disability, you simply need to look and learn. This one is on you, Bear.

*****

When i get down on kinky energy, Bear gets down on kinky energy. I wish I could say He starts things on His own but He doesn’t. It would be nice if He took initiative that way, but He doesn’t, it’s just not His way.

He ‘doms’ by taking care of me, watching what i need (besides kink) and taking care of that without needing to be asked or told.

When it comes to kink, He’s like a kid in a candy store when i invite Him in and say ‘wanna play’? But if i don’t He just keeps His eyes on the everyday and carries on.

I know He wouldn’t be happy to let it all go, His ‘happy’ is not there when we can’t play. Just because He never seems to want to start things doesn’t mean He’s not a dom/sadist, He’s just a lazy one??? (sorry Bear, don’t know a better way to say it) when it comes to play time. He also seems to focus more on the road blocks than i do, i’m more inventive you could say! *raspberries*

This is a type of D/s by the way, can’t remember the exact ‘label’ (imagine that, me ignoring labels! LoL ) but it is a relationship type that falls under the D/s M/s umbrella. Perhaps not what some of us envisioned but submission is to be done according the the dom’s wants, right?

Anyhow, i’ll leave you with this, today’s theme … for me anyway!

M.I.A.

Sorry about being gone this last bit. The weather has changed and my body is rebelling!

I will be back once my hands and fingers decide to work again ….. For now i will be enjoying the view of our winter wonderland and trying not to drop too many things!! LoL

Happy Tuesday ❤