The Punishment Conundrum

I messed something up today, and I really hate that I did. I have a hard time not doing things perfectly especially if it’s a let down to the Bear! I’ll try to explain …

I was supposed to make an appointment for the Bear today, well try to make an appointment anyway, I’m not sure if they have anything available when I want but I was going to look into it.

I remembered first thing in the morning but had to run around with the kids, trying to get the oldest ready and out the door on time and getting the little one to school on time as well. I had a few minutes in between that and when the next kid came in the door, this was my time to dress for the day and make the call, but I got side tracked texting with Bear and answering a comment. UGH

I was a bit flustered and then the time to start work again came. Once I got into my work space I realized I had a big mess to clean up that really couldn’t wait, so I got to that …. Then it was time to entertain the little one I have here for work and we did some candy sorting for treat bags, some singing and dancing and pictures for Halloween.

Next thing you know it’s practically noon and I had forgotten all about making the darn appointment, until the Bear asked what I had found out! OH CRAP! Okay, sorry, I’ll do that right now …   :O

*ring ring ring* no answer … The office was closed at noon today and will not be open again until tomorrow! UGH It was 12:02 …. of course!

Now none of this was blatant disregard or malice and likely not worthy of a punishment realistically speaking, BUT being the perfectionist that I am, I will continue to beat myself up over not following through. All Night Long! Maybe not a constant sweat exactly but the thought will continue to creep in and out of my head all night, likely even in my sleep.

I absolutely hate letting the Bear down, even if it is all an accidental misstep.

It’s not exactly a punishable offense because none of it was purposeful but not making amends will have me beating myself up, instead of moving on with a clear conscience and a fresh start.

UGH! I wonder what He’ll decide ….

Demons

If you have paid any attention you know by now that I am very much into Imagine Dragons. They speak to me, on many levels and let me know that I am not alone. I believe the music keeps me mindful and sane.

This was the very first song that spoke to me and I began looking further, I then realized that I identify and relate to every thing they produce. Unlike Pink Floyd their words are straight forward. easy for anyone to follow …

My travels lately have taken me on a trip down memory lane, so I am listening to the song it brought to mind. This one touches on each and every thing I myself have gone through. It’s quite the ‘trip’ to have it so specifically identified in one spot!

And before you ask, no I haven’t gone off to war, but look around, you don’t need to be away to find yourself in the midst of battle and gun fire, and yes I have saved a life in danger. A few over the years ….

A comment I made spoke of the darkness I held deep inside. I didn’t mean kink, not this time. Enjoy ….

Real Submission – Actively and not sexy – ‘Put your money where your mouth is’

My days are usually pretty happy-go-lucky in regards to my submission, my relationship with the Bear in all aspects. We are on the same page with pretty much everything truth be told, there are not usually any disagreements which is good because Lord knows that the rest of life has plenty for us to deal with and handle.

That being said, there is something that has been going on for a few weeks now and my hopes that it would be short-lived and over by now seem to have gone unanswered. Note, I have not yet said anything about it to The Bear exactly so what He decides will soon be seen. I’m sure He hasn’t really thought about it from my perspective because this is one avenue that happens to fall on my side of the ‘slash’! *chuckle*

Before I started working from home I was a billing and accounts manager for an internet company and did the billing for two sister companies as well. You could say that numbers and finance are kind of my thing. We have tried a couple of times putting The Bear in charge of finances, it doesn’t usually turn out the way we want.

Right now I have taken a good amount of time off work to hopefully catch up on some medical appointments and heal. I still work part-time but obviously the income has dropped, drastically. We have discussed that we need to be careful in our spending because we do not want to go into debt. So far so good, right?

Well everyday (almost) for the past few weeks The Bear messages me and asks if I would like a coffee, He is stopping for one on the way home from work. I normally decline. Now He has worked hard all day and deserves to have whatever He would like, no doubt about that, and just a coffee now and then will not break the bank. The problem is that when you factor in stopping 3 or 4 times per week, plus two kids at home who also want something and then perhaps a stop or two on the weekend it easily adds to $50 or more. $50 times 4 weeks adds to $200 per month …. not the end of the world certainly but a good chunk of change don’t you think? Realistically speaking when you add donuts, lattes, and hot chocolates to the mix it is likely even more than that.

So my thoughts? I don’t agree with what He is doing so I will bring this to Him respectfully but honestly. I will suggest that perhaps He could tell me He wants coffee when He gets in and I can have some ready at home. I can suggest that perhaps once per week is enough for a stop at the local shop and I can mention/remind that we would really like to go away for a bit in the spring and even at these low assessments by the time I start to work full-time again this will be at least a $1 000 savings.

I hope He will see what I am saying and agree, I’m hoping He will want to work out a way to have His coffee at home and that we can in fact put this extra spending behind us. I don’t agree with what He is doing and I hope He does agree with me but once it’s all said and done the choice will be His and I will accept whatever He decides.

This is a real act of submission, but I have a feeling He will see the validity in it and decide to change His current routine.

Happy Friday!

Taking it easy today, having some fun!

I’ve been having a fun conversation today that has me going down memory lane, a couple of conversations actually! *giggle* But this one has had me looking up my ‘favourite things’ and it has struck a chord! *grin* Some of you will know why that is funny, some of you will know just what this post means as well.

I’ve always said I’m not about labels or following a lifestyle, this is just me, my life in my preferred state with The Bear.

I am every bit a ‘problem like Maria’ and He is every bit as stubborn and ‘foolish’ as the Captain von Trapp! (If you know the story you know that is not meant to be derogatory.) We have been just like this from the very beginning …. each of us in our place, each pushing the other to be better. *wink*

Sometimes …. I can be so confusing.

There are enough new people to the blog that I felt I should post this once more. In the beginning the posts read more like letters to my One and only because that’s why I started this blog in the first place. The paper was starting to stack up and we didn’t want to run the risk of the boys finding them, or anyone else for that matter.
Anyway, it explains just a bit of what The Bear needs to tackle as well, it can’t be easy watching me dominate in the world and then changing His own gears when the door to the outside world closes behind us.
If you are a dominant personality yourself you have an understanding of the type of momentum that carries, where ever you go. I’m not the only one trying to ‘flip the switch’ at the end of the day!

nijntje & The Bear

It does not escape me that I must be a walking, talking conundrum to you. I am likely the furthest thing from submissive you have ever seen male or female. I can only imagine how it is you get your mind around when, and how to treat me like the dominant soul that I am and then the submissive ‘bunny’ that you know.

I’ve never been a follower of the crowd, I make my own way. I don’t rely on others and I am more then capable of doing anything alone, but then you arrive and need to figure out how to lead and control this beast of a bunny! 😀

You are not loud and shouting and don’t try to over power or belittle, but you do make me listen and follow. Perhaps more appropriately, I should say you inspire me to listen and follow. It’s your strength of…

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Pink Floyd – Lost for Words

I was asked by someone if I had some songs I could recommend for listening, some songs that helped me when I was getting through things but as I started looking around it occurred to me that the choice of songs really depends on the issues you are trying to concur. My songs might not work for you because my issues were not the same as yours, even if they did come from a similar place.

For example, my problem was not fear and anxiety my problem was rage, hate and numbness …. so my songs originally were like these:

Lyrics

I was spending my time in the doldrums
I was caught in a cauldron of hate
I felt persecuted and paralyzed
I thought that everything else would just wait

While you are wasting your time on your enemies
Engulfed in a fever of spite
Beyond your tunnel vision reality fades
Like shadows into the night

To martyr yourself to caution
Is not going to help at all
Because there’ll be no safety in numbers
When the right one walks out of the door

Can you see your days blighted by darkness?
Is it true you beat your fists on the floor?
Stuck in a world of isolation
While the ivy grows over the door

So I open my door to my enemies
And I ask could we wipe the slate clean
But they tell me to please go fuck myself
You know you just can’t win

My songs now are still power songs. Many have to do with over coming the urge to crawl into my head and be alone once more. The lone wolf indeed … or simply not letting the rage consume me.

I woke from a horrible nightmare this morning, so much for sleeping in. I’ll have Floyd on all day until the Bear comes home and I will fight the urge to dawn the armor of the past. Stress is a b*tch! What can I say.

Back to Life

Some of my conversations lately have revolved around music and using music to get past the things that brought me down in the past.

This is one of my favourites so I thought I’d share. Anything Pink Floyd really ….

Here I go again on my own ….

…. can you hear the song??? *giggle*

No, not really. I’m not on my own exactly, Sir is not away or anything like that but it was the song that started playing through my head when I was thinking whether or not to post this. It’s about active submission, hence doing it ‘on my own’ instead of waiting for orders or trouble.

This time it involves strawberries! You’d think I have a thing for fruit or something … *chuckle* I’ll get to the point!

We have had a couple of containers of strawberries in the fridge for a few days now. They were more than ready to be cleaned and eaten before they needed to be thrown out and Sir had asked me about them last night. I let him know I had planned to clean them today, no worries.

Well today came and went and before I knew it the end of the work day was here and I had yet to clean the berries. It was a busy day full of things to keep my mind occupied and secondly I have not been feeling well at all, food is not something I’m thinking about. It’s not really anything I even want to look at right now truth be told, but the berries did need to be cleaned and He did mention them last night.

I could have just gone and put my feet up for a few minutes before starting supper, I could have just explained to Him that I had forgotten and that they would last one more day, I could have just talked to Him about it and gotten excused because it hadn’t been an order and I really did forget! But I knew it was something He wanted and I knew He would be pleased, so as much as I didn’t really want to deal with any food and I really could have used a break …. I went to the fridge instead and got the strawberries and they are now clean and ready to be enjoyed!

I didn’t have to, it wasn’t an order and Sir is more than fair and accommodating when I need Him to be but this wasn’t the end of the world and I knew His wishes, so I did it anyway. Active submission, nothing kinky but certainly for Him and can be done no matter who is about.

Happy Thursday All!

Your strawberries are ready Sir! ❤

In case it’s now stuck in your head too!

So what was it anyway?

As I said in my last post, I was a bit frustrated from the night before and that’s what started our entire shift in the first place. Now this part is entirely on me but it’s something I still struggle with ….

On Sunday night we had a wonderful surprise! It was the season premiere of the Walking Dead and we had both forgotten because we don’t watch it BUT the boys will usually go to Gramma’s house to watch the show with her! The last few times last season the youngest had stayed home but to our surprise and relief he wanted to go. Yays!! on many levels that was a good thing so The Bear drove the boys off to Gramma’s.

Of course my mind starts racing, this is the first time we have the house to ourselves in months and even though it’s only an hour it’s an hour I hope to take advantage of! Now I know The Bear doesn’t ‘switch gears’ very quickly and since this alone time was a huge surprise I thought I’d help to get Him thinking in my direction. *wink*

When He got home He found me naked on a fur throw, waiting for Him on the couch. He’s always said if we were alone I’d be that way when home so why not go for it! I was also hoping this would be obvious to my wants as well. The last time we tried any impact we got as far as warm up and then were interrupted and had to stop, I was really hoping to continue.

Now when He got home He was pleased for sure and enjoying watching and rubbing and just plain being close to His bunny, but we had been in the middle of a show when He left so He got right back into TV mode when He returned! UGH Like I said, He doesn’t switch gears very quickly …. 😛

What I should have done was made my want/need really by this time clear and asked for some nice impact play while we had a chance and while we could do it IN the house instead of hiding in the now very chilly garage. But I didn’t …. by the time He told me to lay across Him so that He could rub my backside (and likely more from there) it was already 10 minutes to Him having to leave again and obviously not nearly enough time, so I knew I was going to have to go without.

The frustration of not being able to get release coupled with the frustration of Him not reading my mind is what started all of this. Silly isn’t it? If I had just spoken up I can bet things would have been very different and we both would have been able to get some of what we both very sorely need.

Yes I still struggle with asking for what I need, that has always been my biggest hurdle. When I’m strong I do it much more easily, when I’m already running on reserves it’s more difficult. Work in progress …. but let’s hope that next Sunday both kids will once again be off to Gramma’s!

Next time I will be sure to bring down the ‘toy box’ while I’m sitting and waiting. Perhaps a pair of panties as well …

Since I’m not to be wearing any anyway this should be doubly fun! *wink* And if all else fails I will just ask ….

Love You Always Sir ❤

Sometimes Rabbits Rush

I did something the other night that when thinking clearly I knew I shouldn’t. I rushed the Bear.

I was unhappy and frustrated about something from the night before (just in general truthfully), I was over tired and over stressed and just plain worn out. Of course my mind had been working overtime for 24 hours and I needed release. None of that was possible and the Bear wasn’t ready to talk, so of course I just kept asking!

Now I’m not taking all the blame here, He could have easily told me to stop, not now, we’ll discuss this later ….. any of those things would have been enough to put me back into following and honestly all I need to get calm again. It really is that simple for me, one word, one action and I’m more than ready to follow Him, but He didn’t so I just kept going. No there were no rude comments, no yelling or anything of that nature but I was asking things I knew He wasn’t ready to handle right then, He was just as worn and tired as me. Yes dominants are human too, go figure.

The answers I got were not what I wanted to hear and they were not what He wanted to give either, I don’t believe, but they did come out. Walking this tight rope between dominant and submissive for me can get to be pretty taxing especially when He’s not at the top of His game, my instincts to step up and take control are instinctual and strong. No I don’t mean overbearing and nagging control freak, I mean the one with the responsibility and carries the weight. The one who guides the way, cares for others and takes the hit when the sh*t hits the fan, because to me that is the dominant side of my personality and I still use it daily when Sir is not here and with things that still fall squarely on my lap. Some things I am simply better suited to handle, life experience has made it so.

The difference between D/s and non-D/s let’s say is that I can and do come to Him with my stress and worry. Before this our relationship was very similar but I kept the burden entirely on MY shoulders. I suppose the short of it is that this is what D/s has changed for me, I now share the burdens of life and can actually stop and put it down at HIS feet once in a while when it gets to be too heavy.

So we had a poorly timed discussion and I went to bed without my collar. Things were just not balanced and neither of us is about pretend or make-believe so that is what was decided.

By morning The Bear came around my side of the bed to touch at will and wish me a good day, He messaged His good morning to me as usual from work later and said ‘nijntje’, I had already put on my day collar and was still wearing my cuffs as usual …..

We had a misstep, a slight shift along the way but neither of us are about over reacting or being rash. So by mid morning and a handful of texts later we were back on track and hopefully have learned something for the next time.

But we really do need to find time to sit down and talk just about us, please Sir. And I really do need some play to release some stress, please too!

I have no idea how that is going to work, the last few months (yes months) every single time we get started someone stops by and interrupts, or the boys need us and find us! Seriously … this has been the better part of the last 12 months. The last time I was hanging from the ceiling it was more of a sexual experience which is fantastic for sure but for me BDSM is a fantastic way to release stress and really has nothing to do with sex, it is not needed and not the goal. (For those reading, obviously The Bear already knows this.) We have lots of kinky sex, but it’s just not the same.

We are never alone, someone is always home, and the things that work well for me are usually rather loud. *sigh* I am still frustrated for sure, but I’m not frustrated with the Bear. Hummm, are you missing it too Bear? Is that why you were off as well? Or is that just me?

Shall we just buy a second home?? *giggle*

Love You Always Sir! ❤