Note to self

Do not take out a flogger and start to swat at a Bear …. even if He says He’s ‘stuck’ because He’s gotten Himself into a compromising position on the bed!

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A Bear can move very quickly despite His size and He will magically become unstuck!!

A variety of cane stripes may be the result once you are caught!?!?!?

Even a cute grin and a bunch of giggles won’t change His mind, no matter how much you say you didn’t mean it …… *raspberries*

Or …. perhaps ‘do’ ….. *wink*

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Performing CPR

Writing things down always helps me to get the words right, get them ready to speak out loud. Writing it down first always allows the Bear a heads up in order to know where i’m coming from should i get a bit off track in person. It works well for us …

We’ve sat and talked some things through and found that we are both missing some thing from this type of connection that we can’t get any other way. We are both feeling a bit lost and out of sorts when we don’t get it. No surprise there!

We’ve decided that even though we can’t get just what we need right now we are going to try to engage a bit more in other forms of BDSM play, even if it is just a few minutes stolen in the middle of a hectic day. And i do mean minutes ….

The issue with this is of course that i/we have no time to settle into a mindset before playing. So far over the weekend it has worked out well. Triggers are being used and recognized and we’re just going with the flow as they say. We are actively recognizing the mental blocks that get in the way of action and we are breaking through them the best we can.

It’s not perfect and it is still no where close to the fantasy play time that we have experienced before but at least it’s something. Is it going to make the wait better? Or is it going to make it worse by bringing the longing to the forefront? I guess we will find out soon enough.

All we know for certain is that doing nothing and ignoring our need is NOT working so well.

The cane and other toys are a poor substitute for the feel of His hands on my skin but it’s quieter and at least offers some relief. The energy in the house and with each other has already shifted back to where it should be.

He can use His hands for quiet things *wink* and we will keep to the less noisy toys for the impact. Hopefully it will be enough until we can manage to just slip away and into the fantasy for a while.

Just another learning curve in the journey …. imagination and determination, i have no shortage of those. No worries!!! *smirk*

Instead of repeating myself ….

Thank you to everyone concerned and offering suggestions. I thought that instead of responding to each of you individually, since you were all saying a similar thing and my hands are aching, i’d do it here all at once.

You are each important and i’m not trying to make you feel like you are not, it’s just my physical state at the moment does not allow me to do things i’d like to do so please bear with me.

My boys are 16 and 18, they don’t need someone to watch them in order for us to get some alone time. Bear and i are often out together, we have plenty of time to talk and walk and enjoy each other’s company. That is not the current issue at hand honestly. I appreciate the offers to babysit! You guys really are something else *giggle* but i’m afraid it’s just not that easy.

My oldest is hardly ever at home but my youngest however only goes to school from 8 – 10:44 every morning (mostly) and then he is here. Some time ago, due to trauma he went through at school, he went through some major anxiety and panic attacks. It got so bad that he shut himself in the house for almost a year.

He refused to leave the house, no friends, no family, no holiday occasions … he could not walk out the door and certainly not without either me or Bear by his side. We are well on our way back to life, i can’t even begin to tell you what a relief that is, but he very rarely goes anywhere even now. Gramma’s house for the Walking Dead was the extent of it.

Before all of this started Bear and i used to take many more liberties. We would play and be mindful of the noise, but play regardless. It got to the point however that i could see a correlation between our play and my youngest having more anxiety and more panic attacks. Let me explain the theory …..

I am the ‘Warrior’, I am the one who ‘kicks @ss and asks questions later’ when it comes to the boys, their mental health and their needs. To see me as anything less than Xena is just not good for his mental health. The noise, the posturing, the sitting at the Bear’s feet, all the things we used to sneak in here and there became huge triggers.

Doors would slam, he would regress and shut himself into his room. Talking became less and grunts became more … for days. More days of missed school and the worry in his face was obvious.

I am a mother first and foremost, I will never do anything to damage my child, even at the expense of myself. I don’t think I need to explain that ….

So in a nut shell, we have plenty of date night time, we have plenty of talking time, we have plenty of other types of connection. What i don’t get is my BDSM time, for that i need privacy. W (my youngest) can’t realistically be sent out. It needs to be his want or it is not safe to push, not yet. 8 – 10:44 am, that’s all we can manage just yet. We are trying, believe me but not at the risk of his mental health.

I am a masochist, i need the pain to relax and rejuvenate. I need the endorphins to help with my chronic issues, i need it at a certain level that does not come quietly.

Bear needs spankings and maintenance just a much as i do, but that is noisy and a hotel room is not going to cut it. In my room or in the house anywhere will be heard. We just can’t take that chance. Weather aside we’ve even tried hiding out in the garage only to be met at the door on our way back in. Needless to say the ‘high’ was quickly lost replaced instead by worry!

The cane is just not the same, other methods of pain is not the same. If you have engaged in spankings you know that OTK is a type of connection that you really can’t imitate in other ways.

The further and further we get from any sort of spanking time, the further we get from doing anything else too ….

I need to yell, i need to scream, i need to fall exhausted at His feet. He needs me to as well. THAT is what we can’t seem to fit in and it’s messing with our heads and spirits.

Pandora’s box, we’ve openned it. Now …. now what do we do?

Flat-lined

That’s pretty much all i have to say. My kinky life has flat-lined and my kinky needs are not being met.

The only time we had for impact play of any sort was during the Walking Dead series. The boys would go to Gramma’s house for the hour and we would finally be alone.

The season is short and it did finally start back up a month or so ago. We got one night …. one night so far since last fall that the opportunity arose.

Since then the boys and Gramma have decided that they are no longer interested. The story has lost its appeal. Now we get no time …

When we don’t get to play around with impact everything else seems to wain as well. I don’t remember that last time we did anything really kinky, no bondage, no pushing limits, nothing …

I can’t really remember the last time i had a full filling encounter honestly. There was once this year, i’m sure …. that might be it since last fall.

I’m finding it harder and harder to get turned on and harder to reach orgasm. It always happens this way for me, I wrote about it when i wrote about chastity. It does not work well for me!

I’m not really interested in starting anything these days, i have no real interest in going the extra mile to show Him submission physically like He likes. Like He needs in order to keep His fire going. I know He does but i just haven’t got the motivation to even try.

As a result I have been topping Him ….. Yup, I’m afraid so!

When He tries to implement something kinky/dominant (like the panty ritual) i come up with reasons why we shouldn’t. I know He takes everything i say into consideration and i can be very persuasive. I also know that He’s not one to come up with alternatives, i normally have to think something up when i have a real issue, and then He will think on it and make it happen or tweak it. Otherwise , it just gets pushed aside ….

I’m not getting my kink on.

I’m not feeling very submissive.

I have a naturally dominant personality anyway ….

He’s letting me take over, but I KNOW He is not happy when that happen. 

My kink has flat-lined, He’s not taking control of that and so i’m taking control of everything else.

My body is tired …

My brain is tired ….

My soul is tired …..

I know it’s the wrong thing to do, i know i’m only sabotaging His dominance ….

At the moment I haven’t got anything left in me to bother.

TGIF my friends!

‘There must be peace and understanding sometime’ ….

Happy St. Patrick’s Day all!

I’m not in the mood to talk D/s, or make witty jokes about green leprechauns.

I’ve been listening to a very controversial but intelligent fellow lately and he seems convinced that the key to the worlds problems lies in us.

Integrity and responsibility …..  yup, that’s it. Fix ourselves and we will, collectively fix the world.

One person CAN and does make a difference, every day. This has always been my view as well.

So in light of everything that has been happening, recently and over the past years … I leave you this.

I know there are a least a few Elvis fans out there that will appreciate it. 🙂 ❤ Please take the time to appreciate the message as well. I start my days with this, to remember and to keep trying, maybe it will give you hope as well.

If I Can Dream
There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can’t my dream come true
oh why
There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why won’t that sun appear
We’re lost in a cloud
With too much rain
We’re trapped in a world
That’s troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly
Deep in my heart there’s a trembling question
Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there’s a beckoning candle
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true, right now
Let it come true right now
Oh yeah
Songwriters: Earl Brown
If I Can Dream lyrics © Raleigh Music Publishing

I did something …

I did something today that i didn’t think i’d ever do again. I joined a ‘club’, not sure if it’s a wise move or not. A D/s club … [ *update: a chat club, not a face to face one]

I’ve done this before, a couple of times and both times it didn’t work out.

I’ve tried communicating through email before, a couple of times and that never seems to work out either.

So why do it again? Well i guess i’m hoping for inspiration …. without being preached at or … ummmm, finding myself in the middle of a great deal of repetition?? Can i say that?

I cycle through things quickly, that’s not always greeted with open arms.

I keep my opinions to myself, but if you ask me i will tell you the truth, even if it is hard to hear.

In my life i’ve had a very hard road to travel to get to where i am. I care very little for the ‘fluff’ of it all you could say.

To me, my wedding ring is the most important symbol, that’s the connection that is always there. Busy or not, stressed or not, kinky or not … it’s always there. That’s the key, everything else is extra. To me ….

I guess we’ll see where this leads ….

Interesting developments

Sorry i’ve been away folks, i know you’re used to me writing more often but now that i’ve hit that 1 000 mark i think i’m going to concentrate elsewhere AND write here too but not so regimented. I was writing almost daily but i think i need a break from that schedule. I hope you all understand and i hope you keep coming in to check from time to time. I will be here, i promise, just maybe not so chatty! LoL

Anyhow, back to kink.  I came to the realization not too long ago that i had developed?!? imagined?!? a new kink. How’s that for a surprise at this stage in life! I’ve never been shy about my sexual wants and needs so to find something new creeping into my thoughts at this stage was quite surprising ….

It did take a little while before i decided i could open up to the Bear about it. I think He might have been a bit leery about asking truthfully, i did mention something about having thought up a new adventure but He never did go back and push further to find out.

Eventually, on a nice relaxing evening sitting in the hot tub and enjoying ourselves it made its way to the surface. Playing around in the water, in the dark probably helped to start the conversation! *wink*

The Bear was much more excited about trying it than i thought He would be and so it didn’t take long for us to start ‘adventuring’. *giggle* We’ve had a few good romps and it’s all very quiet which is wonderful. It allows us to keep playing and keep that sense of adventure alive until the house is finally our own and noise a non-issue!

Now i’m wondering …. is there actually something else my mind might think up???

Have you surprised yourself with a new adventure? After thinking you’ve tried it all, have you found just … one … more … thing???

Can you share?

I really like this, not something ‘like’ this, I know there are many but, I would like something ‘same’ or very similar.

I like the thickness and strength of the binding. I like the secure feeling of the whole thing. So …. do any of you have a resource you can link back???

Thank you! ❤ and TGIF!

‘Kinky’ side effects!

I wanted to post this here, even if it is slightly embarrassing, in hopes of maybe helping someone else.

I wrote a bit ago about my need for a rule involving working out. I needed to get some motivation back and for me, having it as a rule is really all the push i need to get back on track.

Now what I didn’t mention is that part of the workout rule involves wearing ben wa balls for the duration.

Why you ask? Is it simply to keep me focused on being His submissive and help keep me ‘in the mood’? Well, no actually. Although the focus could very well be a D/s one, in this case the reason was much more mechanical. *wink*

They come in all shapes and sizes, some like these, some vibrate, some made of metal. They come in differing weights and of course any choice of colour!

For many years now i have been holding myself back from doing things that i love to do. Things like running (which i can’t do now anyway because of other issues) and dancing and just simply getting involved in other forms of exercise/sports that I enjoy. Thanks to peri-menopause any overly active movement will cause bladder leakage. I know, oh sooo sexy, right?

I wrote a long time ago about possibly trying some of the things out there to help strengthen and regain control but up until this point i hadn’t. The reason exactly i don’t know. At first i think it was a ‘toy’ issue. Since i wasn’t allowed to touch or play without expressed permission and the ben wa balls kind of do come under that category, i had a mental block you could say.

Add to that my own personal hangups for whatever the reason and it just simply never happened. My brain knew it was worth a try but my hangups wouldn’t let me. As a rule however …… well, you know the drill, for some reason everything changes, it all becomes okay.

You can start with one size and weight and then move to a more intense pelvic exercise by changing them up. I have a few different options and i think i will be asking to move to another set soon. I started with the silicone type that has better hold on its own but i will be trying the metal ones soon. I plan on starting with one larger ball first and then working up to two when i’m ready. The next step will be to change the size to a smaller one, which will be more work to hold and then of course two etc. …. I think you get the idea.

So …. we attended a concert this past weekend and I GOT TO DANCE! I danced a lot!!! I danced to my heart’s contentment and I never leaked, not even a little bit! *grin*

When I got home the first thing I mentioned was that ‘i got to dance Sir, and i never pee’d!! Not even a little … ‘

He had a hardy chuckle from my enthusiasm and wording but He also gave me a great big Bear hug and was very happy as well. Lots of words of praise and lots of rejoicing with me ….

Most of you know by now how important music is to my life. Dancing and really feeling it is part of that for me as well. Being able to just finally let go and enjoy the moment is a wonderful accomplishment.

If this little tidbit of information helps someone else to help themselves with this issue than it is worth the slight embarrassment on my part! I use them for about half an hour on the elliptical and ski machine combined. There seems to be plenty of bouncing around between the two workouts to make it effective and it seems to be helping me to do the same afterwards without leakage! *wink*

 

I’m back!! and still rambling.

Did you miss me??? *wink* PC has been on the fritz, got it fixed and now i’m back! Aren’t you all the lucky ones …. *chuckle*

I came back to a ‘funny’. At least i think it’s funny, i find the irony hilarious. Once i logged in i noticed that a search for ‘oppressed house woman’ had some how picked up my site! *chuckle* Now the irony in this does not escape me.

You see, if i take this idea apart and really think on it, the times that i truly felt oppressed would have to be before we started D/s! *wink*

After many years of marriage, and work, and kids and responsibilities i was starting to burn out. The kids were having some serious mental health issues and the responsibility for everything was on me, you know as a free thinking, independent and liberated woman.

I was starting to feel trapped, helpless and weighted down. I felt all alone with too much to handle and no one to go to. I felt I had no choice left in this world, it was all about what needed to be done and NOTHING about what I needed or wanted out of life.

‘I’ was disappearing, replaced by a machine that worked, and thought out problems, found solutions and implemented plans to get results …. for EVERYONE. Everyone else but me. I did not exist, I did not matter.

Complete Independence …. doesn’t it sound great!?!?

The scariest part of that is that I have always had a good marriage. We have always communicated well and gotten along even better. We have been best friends since the day we wed. Some how, still i found myself in this position. How could that be???

I think it’s the mentality that we get into …. the idea that as independent, self-reliant people, women, we can’t ask for help or defer to someone else. That somehow that will be, or at least will be seen as weak, or stepping backwards in the social steps we have taken forward.

That wasn’t really my problem, my problem is much more about my past than any social pressure. I really don’t allow that type of thing to rule my mind, it’s a personality thing, but I do however see it as just what i’ve explained in others.

Anyway, for one reason or another i found myself in that position and frankly completely disillusioned with the life i thought i had been able to build.

We started off our journey into D/s like many others I think, for the kinky sex. It didn’t take long for me to see that this was much more than just sex, if we wanted it to be, and it was also explaining how to get back to what we had somehow lost.

Now i don’t think D/s fixes everything, or anything really. I think that you can have the same results in many other relationship dynamics (if we can call them that). The truth is that the things that fix the problems are the same across the board.

It’s the time invested in the relationship, it’s the communication and the effort. The patience (every submissive has heard that preached over and over) and the motivation to keep moving forward, always. If you invest in each other and yourself, it works. If you let things slide and don’t make time it falls apart. Whether or not you want a power exchange relationship is up to you but the rest stays the same. As humans this is the way we work.

That would be the reason we hear that ‘every dynamic is different’ and that ‘ you have to take time and make it your own’.  Even in the lifestyle there are varying degrees of power exchanges and they also tend to change and adjust depending on your ‘life’ at any given time.

So I guess what I’m saying is that if you find yourself in a position that seems to lessen your power exchange it doesn’t mean that you can’t still have that connection. You just need to be patient, keep talking, keep being open and moving forward, together.

If you find your partner doesn’t want a PE, use the same methods of relating to each other and you will still find your balance.

A relationship, ANY relationship is about time invested and compromise.  No matter how long you have been together, when the energy stops the feelings stop.

This is all assuming you are both equality invested in the relationship and in keeping the relationship. If that’s not true than you have an entirely different set of issues to work through. 

….. and even though we are working within a PE at the moment, I am most certainly not oppressed! Not any more ….