I don’t want to give up my vanilla half.

Wandering about in the WWW i get to read and experience all sorts of lifestyles. Some are close to mine and some are very far off but they are all interesting and sometimes even make me think.

I read of some that are very involved in the M/s or D/s lifestyle, they try to make every moment fit the mold. I read some that simply dabble in it here and there, happy to explore but to keep it simple.

Through all of this exploring i have discovered that i really do not want to give up my vanilla half. Maybe i’m just greedy, i really don’t care any more to be honest. I have spent many years being only ‘vanilla’, putting my needs on the back burner and doing what i was ‘supposed to do’. I always knew just what i wanted i just put everyone else first, didn’t want to be a burden, didn’t want to be ‘weak’!

Some years ago i had had enough and i snapped. I wanted more and damn it i was going to get it. It started with kinky sex but very, very quickly opened the door to more. For both of us, i know now that He was craving the same thing, just didn’t know it. He was busy being the man He was ‘supposed to be’ as well, trying to fit in to what everyone else wanted.

I really don’t know how we got so off track, we didn’t start off that way but i guess life and responsibilities tend to do that ….

So we jumped head first in D/s. [I kind of discovered that we are more M/s but that’s not something i want to get into now.] It was refreshing and gave us what we needed at the time BUT then another part was missing, the vanilla part.

I have a strong and stable personality, i take control and help people all the time. I enjoy planning and executing ideas and being a force that gets results. I like being a wife, mother, caregiver, friend and even at times a counselor!  *chuckle* I don’t want to have to put that side of me aside so i can be His ‘submissive’.

The point of doing this lifestyle in the first place was so that i could get what i wanted, what i needed out of life in order to be fulfilled. I put the part of me that wanted and needed His help and strength aside for a long time and now i was supposed to put the strong, independent part aside? No way!

I don’t care if it makes me greedy, i don’t care if it doesn’t fit into the labels and dynamics. I want both and i have both. He is strong enough to manage me just as i am with all the contradictions and at times confusion! LoL

So despite the ‘lifestyle’ labels that we have adopted i don’t value my marriage any less than my submission. I have a collar from my dominant and i enjoy wearing it but i have finally asked for something that i have wanted for a long time!

I have asked for a wedding ring, one i can wear on a daily basis along with my cuffs and collar! I have one already of course but it has stones and is too hard to wear when i work. I have wanted a plain band for a long time and i had mentioned it some time ago but my vanilla self wouldn’t push the subject. So for 12 years i have waited for him to remember …. (i was never a ‘nag’, what can i say … ;P)

Ironically my submissive self knows just what to do, i want something, i need something that will help my over all happiness and fulfillment and so i asked. I mentioned it again, i talked about why and i even pointed out some examples of what i liked. And guess what? I got my wish, finally!

I like seeing my cuffs as i make it through my day, it reminds me of my submission and our D/s connection. I wanted something to give me the same sense with my other commitment, the one of wife. They are equally important to me.

imagesSo no, i won’t give up my vanilla side, i want both!



A request

This is our version of things, a way for us to differentiate mindsets, i think that’s the way to describe it. The terms have meaning to us, they may not fit yours and that’s okay.

Once upon a time when we first started playing around with a more ‘official’ version of our kink and dynamic we had it set that during the week we were D/s (meaning i did have some expectation of being consulted on things) and the weekends were more of a M/s model.

During the week we have many more responsibilities requiring attention and since i’m home i have many more decisions to make on my own. During the weekend hours the Bear is here and available to make those choices on a moments notice. So that’s what we did.

Sexual expectations of course change as well. During the week i would get a say in what if anything we did, if i wasn’t feeling well or just not ready etc. it would be taken into consideration. During the weekend hours it was just expected that i would be available and ready at any moment, regardless.

This is more a mental game, a feeling. The Bear would never take advantage of a situation regardless of whatever we call it. His priority is and always has been me first. I do however have some very strong ‘slave’ tendencies and i enjoy getting to be that for a while … longer than just during play time.

People have all sorts of words for it, humiliation, objectification, property …. i don’t really feel any of those things. Although i could sit here and pretend that i was humiliated, the truth is it both turns me on and frees me from the stress of the everyday, for a while.

He can dress me, pose me and tell me just how and when to move. The more sexy and ‘vulnerable’ the better, it makes me feel coveted, treasured and really something special. I know that’s the way He feels about me, that’s the only reason it’s okay!

The expectation was from Friday after dinner to Sunday mid afternoon, at that point we would sit and discuss how it went, what we felt, what we liked and what if anything we wanted to do more of or change. Like an extended scene i guess you could say. It also gave plenty of time for aftercare, because mental aftercare is important for me not just physical. It also allowed enough time to get back into the Monday frame of mind, so no subdrop!

Anyhow, wandering the house in nothing but a leash and collar is still not feasible but i do feel we can start to work on something a bit closer to what we had. I’m hoping we can sit and work on something, let’s just put it that way!! *giggle*

So earlier this week i made the request, the request that He think on it and perhaps we can talk it over this weekend and try.

I’m pretty sure i still have the full list of protocols and expectations here Sir, if you’d like to review them. *wink*


Keeping my eye on the prize.

Yesterday didn’t go according to plan. Last night didn’t go according to plan, but that’s just the way of life, isn’t it?

It was disappointing and by the time we (Bear and i) had time to sit together all the kinky ideas and feelings were set aside. It was late, we were tired and i had stress to deal with as well as swollen fingers! *chuckle* it never fails ..

But, some of the toys are still out, i’m setting my mind to where i need it to be and i’m keeping my eye on the prize! I’m teasing and flirting with Him every chance i get and i’m letting my imagination fly!

Will it work this time? I don’t know, but if we don’t try than it certainly won’t!

Last night didn’t go according to plan, but today is a new day, with new energy and new hope! ❤

And so we try again ….

No choice? I think everything in life is a choice, for me.

I just read someone who seems to think that you really do not get to choose to be dominant or submissive. They seem to be under the impression that you only ever ‘are’ or are not.

I’m afraid i disagree ….

I can accept that for some people, perhaps most people, that might be true but there are some of us who really just simply chose.

I admit that now a days i really find no real sexual pleasure in taking the lead, starting out that way can be fun and flirty but i do need Him to take over, rather quickly, or it loses it’s appeal. It wasn’t always that way, it was really rather primal all the time in the beginning but as i have gotten older and matured that changed.

I was able to finally trust someone enough to let go and submit sexually and over time i found that to be my preferred state in sex. So here we are … but that’s not the point.

Sexual submission is really only one aspect of this relationship for us and the least of it really. It would be nice to say that most of our hours are spent sexing it up … 😛 But that’s not true. Most of life is spent doing everyday, non-sexual things and i still submit. 

I submit to Him because i choose to, we decided that this was how we wanted to live our lives for various reasons but i can’t say that any of them are because i have to. Honestly i can’t say i struggle with it either although i know that will piss a lot of people off. 

I made a choice and i stick to it, the only thing i struggle with is the fact that i’d like more time and space to kink it up more often. The rest for me, is easy.

We have found our rhythm and we go with the flow. I don’t have outrageous expectations and neither does He. I can however take the lead in any situation in life and with most people that’s exactly what i do. I don’t struggle with that either. I don’t find it to be a facade or draining. It’s just who i am, another side of who i am.

I enjoy both sides of my personality. I choose when to be submissive, with Him, for Him but no where else. I don’t need it.

I enjoy being submissive to my husband, i enjoy the results we get from that. We are both happier and more fulfilled in our marriage, in our friendship. We fit together well this way, we have matured enough that it can and does work. It’s a part of my person with Him and although it is alive and well, and thriving here with Him i know it dies without Him.

It’s a choice, it’s all encompassing and fulfilling but for me it’s still a choice. I’ve said this since the beginning, my submission dies without Him, I have no doubts.

You can be a care giver on both sides of the slash. On one side you care for the person in charge, on the other you are the person who is in charge of the care.

I’ve read many times that people feel they are submissive because they naturally like to take care of people and make them more comfortable in life. I would argue that a good dominant also wants to take care of the people around them and make their lives better …

The actions are the same to me, the only change is the energy with which i approach them. That is where i choose.

A new development and an old rule remembered!

Today is a good day. Today the sun is shining and although i started rough i am moving around pretty well this morning.

I guess i’m feeling kind of chatty too! *giggle* The Bear is back at work today but i have one more day, making the best of it while i’m catching up on some housework.

***** *****

I asked Him sometime ago to leave it for me on my days off when He works, it helps to pass the time and to feel connected to Him. Not because the chores are for Him but because doing them is in hopes of having free time together after! *wink*

He still will go off on our weekends and start doing chores alone, it’s a habit i hope He can break. I’ve explained to Him that i makes me feel like housework is more important than our time together AND it also makes me feel like a complete waste of air and space. I know He’s doing it all so that i don’t have to and i appreciate that BUT …

There are days and times that i can’t do much and i truly do appreciate the fact that He is here and will step up without question or complaint but for my own mental health i need Him to leave things for me to do on the days that i can. Especially when those are days that He’s not here.

I need to feel a sense of accomplishment and i need to know that i can still function and add to the dynamic, the family and to us …. it’s a tricky balance to work out, i know but we’re getting there!

***** *****

So anyway, here i am getting caught up on things that were let go from the weekend and with the weather finally being nice i am working up a sweat! *wink* I’m finally wearing ‘less’ which means that my shoulders are bare. Bare enough to feel the length of my hair, rubbing up against my skin. Last year at this time i was sporting a pixie cut! LoL This is a first in a very long time, maybe ever, that my hair has been this long.

The length of my hair is completely the Bear’s doing, He is the one who decided He wanted it longer, so here we are.  As i feel it rubbing against my skin my mind travels to the dark, furry plug that He likes to have me wear, or did. The kid(s) have to be up early even on the weekends these days so the times of running the house, kinking it up while they slept are pretty much over. No more ‘tails’ to tell about!! 😛

Of course I had to mention that to Him on His lunch break …. *wink*

***** *****

Why am i writing this? i don’t know, maybe to get back into the spirit of things …. you can see where my mind has already traveled to.

That brought me to the old rule remembered …. I wrote some time ago that Bear gave me back control of my orgasms, when He isn’t here. There were many reasons for that and if i ever manage to find the original post i will link it but for now let’s just say it was necessary.

Today as i’m getting things tidy i remember the rule, the ‘yes but’ part of the rule. I do have control of my orgasms when He is not around to ask BUT i am not allowed to orgasm on ‘Master’s bed’ without express permission! *wink* I wrote Him a story some time ago that included that little tidbit … apparently He likes it, so He enforced it!

It’s particularly effective on the mornings you awake out of an exciting dream, ready and needy and then … damn! Not in bed, not here, not without Him. Not without permission … The room is cold, the floor is nowhere near as inviting! Do you dare, do you try? Do you give in … in the shower, maybe then… ?!?!?

What should make the need go away only ends up making it more …. i wonder if He knows this? Bears are Evil …. !!

Happy Monday! *grin* ❤

Well, that was fun! Brat-titude …

The weekend has been quite an experience. We didn’t go anywhere and the weather didn’t disappoint, it truly was awful!! There is flooding everywhere we look, the rain was relentless. Never fails to make me feel sore and achy but that is what it is ….

The Bear has been making less excuses and taking more action. I’ve been working on my brat-titude to give Him as many opportunities and ‘reasons’ as possible! *raspberries* Apparently ‘poking the bear’ is just a saying and should NOT be taken literally. Doing so may result in some man-handling and a reddened backside! 😛 LoL

I want to note here that EVERYTHING is consensual and done in play. I am not a real brat for starters so when Bear is done playing He simply says the word and it stops. Secondly, my choice of wording here is mostly to keep the power exchange flowing and make it more intense. Bear would never touch me in any way that i did not want or in this case, promote! *wink* 

I’m enjoying this renewed sense of adventure and energy but i admit it does worry me a bit. I worry that the ‘quiet’ is not as quiet as it needs to be and the ‘hidden’ isn’t as hidden as it should be …. but i need to trust that He’s paying attention and making sure that things are as they should be.

He loves using His hand(s) to make that connection but of course it tends to be a bit louder than what we can really play with and enjoy right now.

He broke out the flogger for the first time in a long time, it didn’t take long and i was already floating away …. it didn’t even take much intensity. My body has a ‘memory’ of times gone by i guess, it fell into the rhythm very easily with Him.

He must have fallen back into rhythm as well, He knew when to stop even though it hadn’t been long at all, i guess He could see it in me. When He touched my shoulder to say ‘enough for now’ i practically jumped off the bed. He brought me back …. the slightest touch and a whisper.

Back to Earth i came, but a feeling of calm has started. *smiles* Let’s hope He can keep us going and safe from eyes and ears …..

Maturing into submission

I don’t think i’ll surprise anyone who has been doing this for a while when i say that things change and flow sometimes in a completely different direction than you thought when you add D/s to an existing, ‘vanilla’ marriage. No matter the reason you started, it almost always moves on it’s on accord and NOT what you envisioned. *chuckle*

My last post commented on the idea that i don’t personally find domestic duties to be submissive in nature. I think much of that stems from the fact that i/we have had these chores for over 22 years now and they have changed and been done by whomever was available depending on time and familial responsibilities.

Simply put i don’t see ‘His’ laundry or my laundry … i see laundry. I don’t make ‘His’ dinner, i make dinner … etc. I suppose if i saw any of these things as submissive acts i would be submitting to myself as well! *chuckle* I hope this makes some sense ..

I can see how these things would work well if i was coming into someone else’s home, ‘playing’ for the weekend or even for an extended period of time or having a nice vacation visit, but under my own circumstances it just doesn’t feel that way.

When you take all the stories and blogs out there and try to find your way through it’s hard sometimes to reconcile why it is you can’t seem to get that feeling they speak of when you try the same methods. I think for me at least this explains why.

This leaves a lot of work to be done in finding ways of keeping the feelings strong in the day-to-day happenings. Especially when play is difficult to come by and you have a very pragmatic look on life as i do.

So i’m looking deep again inside my mind to understand the types of things that i will need to help bring that feeling and keep it alive. The secret to submission in my opinion lies within me. Things are settling around here a bit and i’m ready to add more to this dynamic. I’m ready to have some fun with it again.

It won’t work unless He joins in of course, i’m not saying it’s ALL on me, but it does start here. The foundation has been here since the beginning, it’s strong and unshakable but now it’s time to get back into the fun!! *wink*


Doesn’t feel like twenty-two …

Doesn’t even feel like two ….

They say time flies when you’re having fun, well it certainly seems to be flying by here!!

When i was young i didn’t dream of ‘happily ever after’, i didn’t have opportunity to dream of much.

I guess you could say this is better than anything i had ever dreamed of.

Happy twenty-two, Sir! ❤