Redemption in submission

Forty years old, on my husband’s lap. Eyes full of tears and heart racing  …

I finally felt ‘it‘, the it I started packing away at 2 years old. The it I thought I had lost by the time I was 8 or 10. The it I no longer expected. It just kept growing, holding me at its mercy even if I didn’t realize.

I finally felt what they did to me … I felt it!

The wall was breached, the feelings so long ago walled away were here, open, raw and real. The ones that kept me hostage and didn’t allow me to feel, really feel anything but hate and anger. Chained in purgatory for this part of my life.

Days and weeks spent afterwards coming to terms with what they were and why …

Now they are gone. I no longer hold hate or sadness. Pain, anger, regret, or unworthiness. All of it is gone. Acceptance and peace have taken their place and I am lighter now.

He gave me a safe space to feel, heal and move on. I am no longer hostage to negative feelings and thoughts.

In His lap I got to let my guard down, something I hadn’t done since I was old enough to begin to remember.

The warrior lowered sword and shield.

Redemption.

** Not my usual topic on this site, but I was inspired. **

 

 

Thoughts on a Thursday

I’m not really a ‘people person’, not truthfully. I’m an introvert and with that comes the need for quiet and solitude. There is only one person I long to be with 24/7, I’ll let you figure out who! *chuckle*

That said, I do WELL in social situations, I excel at it really. I always seem to be the social butterfly and the life of the party, I just need plenty of quiet time afterwards to recharge and recoup!

Just like everything in life it’s about balance.

I don’t want to be a recluse, not that I see anything really wrong with that …… LoL I just don’t want to be that way ALL the time.

Why is this on my mind now? Well with today being my last day of work for the summer I’m staring at an empty summer schedule with nowhere to be and no one to see (outside of doctor’s appointments) for two months!

The Bear will be home for some of that and every evening of course, but that leaves an awful lot of days just to myself. Humm …. what shall I do?

I’ve already had plenty of ‘oh we have to do lunch ..’ s … but again, not really a people person remember!? LoL No one else knows that, except for the Bear. Anyone else would tell you I’m very extroverted! *chuckle* If they only knew.

So my mind is thinking that it would be nice to find an online community I could talk to from time to time, some like-minded people to spend my day with, without actually having to see people! *wink* Sounds perfect, right?

Well I have tried it before and found it more trouble than it was worth. I have a hard time dealing with the personas that the assumed anonymity seems to create, and the drama that comes from that.

My recent exposure to the stalker incident has also made it less and less appealing. I’m not interested in anyone else and I’m not at all submissive to anyone else. Want to see how much trouble that could stir up if some fool decided to start something just because I say I’m the Bear’s submissive?? LoL Fun times I’m sure.

(In case anyone is curious, after I left the post to ‘dear stalker’ telling him to either get my attention or bugger off nothing much has happened. I said I wasn’t going to read his drivel and I haven’t gone back. As to me and mine, nothing here to make me care or wonder, so … )

So if the next few months bring about posts that sound like I am talking to an imaginary friend or like the rabbit really has truly lost her marbles, don’t worry! I’m just bored! *giggle*

I wonder what the Bear would say if I started remodeling the bathroom!?!?

What do lil’ rabbits need?

I wrote about the new day collar that we have been experimenting with, making sure neither of the boys are triggered by it. My style has always been ‘individual’ *wink* so being something outside of the norm is not at all unusual here, that helps!

No weird looks, no comments and no odd behaviour means we should be good to go ahead! I’ve had a few extra days off here and there and I’ve been able to use it then as well. I have grown used to it already in a sense. It puts my mind just into that place I was hoping for and gives me a nice comfortable feeling that the Bear is always with me. *smiles*

A few other tasks had been left for me as well since the break was known ahead of time so the Bear made sure to take full advantage of infiltrating my mind! EVIL!! *wink*

Yesterday however I had to work early for a few hours. The Bear changed out my night collar and gave me a simple black band to wear. The middle of the day found me with no ‘work’ to do and no instructions from the Bear. It also left me without my new collar ….

Normally this time in between is not a big deal for me. It happens all the time between my odd schedule and His being away at work. I find things to do to make busy or I rest because sometimes that’s what I need physically. The day carries on and the evening brings my Bear back to me.

Today is another work day and since my holidays haven’t actually started yet my new routine with my new day collar has not yet started either. My day is not very busy however and so my mind is wandering …. back to where I found it yesterday as well. New territory ….

I’m noticing a void. I’m noticing that something in the back of my mind is sensing something missing, something important. I’m noticing that I’m missing the presence of His dominance! Uh oh …. even in just these few hours in between.

Apparently I have already started slipping into that space where I need to feel His presence in order to be comfortable. In order to be balanced. It is jumping the gun a bit here but I don’t really think I want to pull back on it. I only have a couple more days …

I think this is a happy accident, something unexpected but in need of exploring and preparing for. I’ve been around these parts long enough to know what to do about it.

Communicate, explore and honestly explain the feelings. Work TOGETHER to come up with a plan of action and then let Him lead the way! *wink*

I know when I will most likely feel the void and I know my triggers. He knows how to use them to keep me feeling cared for and His.

He might be the dominant but this relationship still runs on teamwork. It’s still my job to pay attention and bring thoughts and feelings to His attention. It’s His job to listen and help.

Love You Always, Sir! ❤ Missing You ….

You don’t have to ask me twice!

I was going to put this somewhere else but since so much of it applies here as well I decided to put it here.

My youngest and I were chatting and bantering back and forth as we normally do and eventually the conversation went to music, again fairly common around here. He mentioned Pink Floyd …. okay, all ears!!

‘Everyone mentions Dark Side of the Moon but I prefer The Wall’ he says. What’s your favourite?

‘Momentary Lapse of Reason’. I tell him

‘I’m not sure I know that one … can you wake me up with it tomorrow’?

…. Ummm, no need to ask me that one twice, you bet I can! ‘Consider it a done deal’!

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away from the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It’s not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there’ll be
No more turning away?

We must stand together, all of us, no matter where, no matter the lifestyle, no matter the dynamic …

On The Turning Away Lyrics

On the turning away
From the pale and downtrodden
And the words they say which we won’t understand
“Don’t accept that what’s happening
Is just a case of others’ suffering
Or you’ll find that you’re joining in
The turning away”

It’s a sin that somehow
Light is changing to shadow
And casting its shroud over all we have known
Unaware how the ranks have grown
Driven on by a heart of stone
We could find that we’re all alone
In the dream of the proud

On the wings of the night
As the daytime is stirring
Where the speechless unite in a silent accord
Using words you will find are strange
Mesmerised as they light the flame
Feel the new wind of change
On the wings of the night

No more turning away
From the weak and the weary
No more turning away from the coldness inside
Just a world that we all must share
It’s not enough just to stand and stare
Is it only a dream that there’ll be
No more turning away?

Sir’s needs

A lot of my posts are from my point of view of course. That is what I know best after all!! *giggle* I’m going to try something different, I’m going to try to write something from His perspective …. let’s hope He approves!

It’s important here to remember that when we got into this adventure neither of us had any experience in the BDSM lifestyle. The Bear was not the one to ask for this and honestly, with some of the very ‘interesting’ things you can find and read out there, He was reluctant at best, against it … almost! So ….

Sir has never been an expectant person, which is partially why it was important to do this. He didn’t have expectations and didn’t ask or insist on anything BUT that doesn’t mean He didn’t have needs. He just didn’t think on them or voice them.

This would be why eventually I was doing everything and He was left feeling very unfulfilled, as was I. A few kinky romps in the bedroom and I thought, humm, He seems much more confident and happy when He has this ‘energy’. Perhaps this would translate well to the rest of our days.

Which leads me to His needs. It took a very long time to try to put a word or name to anything He might actually need because the idea is so foreign. (It wasn’t much different for me, being on the submissive side is not my norm and voicing needs isn’t either. But this post is about Him.)

We/I have tried various times to put it down on paper but the words never seem to flow.

One thing He needs is a bit of a ‘brat’. Something to keep Him invested and focused so that He can offer up corrections and keep the energy high.

Unfortunately I am the furthest thing from a ‘brat’. I’m a perfectionist. If He wants something done I go above and beyond to make sure it is to the absolute best of my ability. In anything, work, play, communicating, manners ….

When you add all the craziness of the every day around here it leaves little time to get into these deep conversations about needs and requirements! Sometimes the only needs are a quiet place to put our feet up for 15 minutes. For both of us!! LoL

There is very little time usually to get into that ‘other plane’ for us. One of the reasons this new day collar is nice. I think it’s one of His needs as well, to see it, to feel it, to give Him ‘that’ feeling.

Thinking out loud here … I can’t brat but I can do some posturing when no one is around. I find that works well for Him, and when I see and feel that energy from Him it also works for me. 😀

…. write it out, solve the issue …. thanks for taking a ride in my brain! LoL

Happy Tuesday! Does this qualify as a TMI post?? *giggle*

Talk to me …

The body is a funny thing.

The mind is a powerful thing.

Timing is everything!! *chuckle*

Last night all three of those things were way off for me. To make things worse, Sir was not communicating ….

We are finally adding a few moments of play into our lives again and it’s like learning all over again! It’s frustrating of course, you go into it remembering how easily things flowed before and how it felt almost effortless.

Now it seems nothing works … body changes over time of course but mostly I think it’s mindfulness. When we play(ed) I controlled my mind and focused on where and what He was doing. It was a whole new level of connection and commitment. The rest of the world melted away and only us and sensations were left.

Now, I feel the fan blowing, I hear the dogs shuffling around, I wonder where He’s going next, what muscles groups do I focus on, what needs to be relaxed …. how should I best hold my body??

Talk to me, Sir … this is just how I work.

Without it I’m lost, confused and in the end, frustrated. It adds tension and makes everything wrong.

Communication skills. It appears we are going to have to relearn how to just ‘be’.

Of course everything still needs to be done quietly.

We can’t start off where we left off. Just like any other play, we need to start with a warm up!

Practice time Sir!?!?! 😉 I’m game ….

Today’s theme :)

“Hold On We’re Going Home”
(feat. Majid)

I got my eyes on you
You’re everything that I see
I want your high love and emotion endlessly
I can’t get over you
You left your mark on me
I want your high love and emotion endlessly

Cause you’re a good girl and you know it
You act so different around me
Cause you’re a good girl and you know it
I know exactly who you could be
Just hold on we’re going home
Just hold on we’re going home
It’s hard to do these things alone
Just hold on we’re going home (home)

I got my eyes on you
You’re everything that I see
I want your high love and emotion endlessly
I can’t get over you
You left your mark on me
I want your high love and emotion endlessly

Cause you’re a good girl and you know it (oh yeah)
You act so different around me
Cause you’re a good girl and you know it
I know exactly who you could be

So just hold on we’re going home (going home)
Just hold on we’re going home (going home)
It’s hard to do these things alone (things alone)
Just hold on we’re going home (going home, going home)

You’re the girl
You’re the one
Gave you everything I love
I think there’s something, baby
I think there’s something, baby

You’re the girl
You’re the one
Gave you everything I love
I think there’s something, baby
I think there’s something, baby

Cause you’re a good girl and you know it
You act so different around me
Cause you’re a good girl and you know it
I know exactly who you could be

Oh just hold on we’re going home (going home)
Just hold on we’re going home (going home)
It’s hard to do these things alone (things alone)
Just hold on we’re going home (going home, going home)
Hold on

 

It’s always been obvious, Sir! *smirk*

Secret Fires
Burning Inside Me Unknown
Ragging On
Never Mentioned
Only You
Can Uncover The Flames
Break Their Silence
And Make Them Dance
For Us To See Them
And Break Their Chains
And Give Them Freedom

Read more: Gowan – Moonlight Desires Lyrics | MetroLyrics

I’ve always lived through ‘my music’ LoL I think The Bear sees it in a whole new light since this adventure of ours started! *wink* ❤

I’ve got a new day collar! :)

Well I’ve had it for a little while now and have started to wear it from time to time to break it in, the leather is always a bit stiff at first and softens up with time and body heat so it gets more and more comfortable all the time.

This isn’t to replace my night-time leather, this is just for day time. It’s special because it’s for my time off this summer. I had asked for something more, something to signify the difference between trying to be ‘His’ and work and take care of business and this new adventure where I can concentrate on the quiet of submission more often and for longer periods of time.

Life will still go on of course and I will still have all my ‘hats’ at the ready. I’m just looking forward to having to make less decisions in my day and enjoying the ride as they say! *wink* The new collar is a great way to do that, it’s a bit more obvious than the things I wear when I work and so far hasn’t triggered anyone at home!

We’ve started introducing it here and there over the past few weeks and nothing has happened to lead me to believe it’s going to be an issue so ….. *grin* I’m getting excited!

(Just FYI my permanent adornments are my cuffs, we chose that as our symbol of commitment and focus. Those do not get changed or removed.)

I needed something so I asked. He thought about it and decided He liked the idea too. I dare say He quite likes seeing something more substantial around my neck if I’m not mistaken! *wink wink*

I also like that it finally allows me to get back to a style I enjoy but had to shy away from because it was just too similar to what all the BDSMers were doing. When the whole FSoG craze came out and everyone started wearing cuffs and collars and the like! Sir didn’t feel like dealing with the hype and the ‘knowing’ looks from people who really didn’t know anything! LoL Oh well, He doesn’t seem to care now so I can do as I like! 😀

It’s not the only style I wear, don’t get me wrong. Just like all the rest of life I have many talents and wear many styles … why pick just one??? *wink* It depends on my mood, and some days this is it.

So one more week of work and I get the summer off. It’s been 16 years that I’ve been working up to this and I am starting to get excited. A bit nervous because I’m not really the sitting around type but we’ll take what comes!

My body needs fixing and my mind needs rest. So it shall be done … 😀

Happy Monday!

Love You Always, Sir! ❤

 

Chastity revisited

Yeah, still no!

Been giving this a bit of thought since unfortunately play time is once again scarce …

A frustrated bunny has a lot of naughty thoughts. I don’t mean sexy naughty either, I mean rage against the machine naughty!

I make enough sacrifices in my life, being *sexually* *frustrated* on purpose is not going to be one of them. I might not show my emotions to the outside world but that doesn’t mean I don’t have them.

I am seeing ‘red’ and keeping it together but I can’t deny that it is work right now to keep my anger at bay.

So chastity? On purpose? Still a no ….

I wish I could say I was looking forward to the weekend but I have a few last-minute things to wrap up for the school year and I know it’s going to be a stress filled, argument filled weekend … yay us!

Happy Friday!