Dragons, Warriors and rabbits – The complex simplicity of my freedom under His domination.
Remember that week i said i might have??? The one to be nijntje??
Well just now found out that my uncle had a stroke yesterday …. he should hopefully be ok.
Also, his daughter, my niece, has a growth on the back of her neck and now she can’t see out of one eye.
She’s been out of country for some time, i guess she’s back!!
*wry laughter* so much for my week …. ! 😛
In life there are so many people and so many ideas and so many sensitivities.
So many mental health and even physical health issues that you hear about or are experiencing or are close to someone who is … etc etc
We all hear this idea of understanding, don’t we. We hear this idea of ‘everybody experiences things differently’ and so on. And we try to understand, and we try to listen and hear and just get an idea of what exactly it is that seems to make them feel it so much differently, but it’s hard to get, isn’t it?
Well i get it now, at least i think i’m closer to getting it now!
I used to try and understand and be supportive but i admit that my pragmatic brain had a very hard time making it make sense, to me. I got it in theory but in reality ….. it just seemed so far away.
Enter BDSM and kink and the venture into the community! I started to read and see the feelings, the experience, the way one action could be felt in such a different way from one person to another. I also got to experience it first hand!
Some things that i read others hated i just was so comfortable and turned on by i almost hesitate to write this!! LoL Other things that were said to be just the most intense … well, i felt not much at all. Things that some felt were ‘bleh’ i had the most extreme reactions too!
So now, when i speak to someone or read something or try to understand what my child is going through, i get it! I understand that what i find common place can be something that sends his anxiety into a tail spin. I understand that just because the comment someone made rolled off my back it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or offend someone else.
I get it! I really do have an understanding of how it feels and how it can be so different, even if the situation and action was the same for multiple people. The outcome can be different, and it must be respected!
So I get it, really get it in a way that I don’t think i would have the depth of feeling in if not for our fore into the BDSM and kinky community.
So yes, i blame BDSM and i blame the community … so thank you! *wink*
Things are more or less handled at the moment, at least until next week!
The youngest is in exams now, his schedule for next semester is finally set. I still need to write a note to his new teachers and give them the important information but that should wait until February. That’s when they start fresh!
A new doctor for W has been found and this one is much more reasonable. *sigh* The one we/i was supposed to get in November baled. Apparently they are sending out a letter to inform us (all the patients that were on the waiting list). I have yet to see one ….
The oldest is finally doing well, getting his diploma and actually learning!! surrounded by people and teachers who treat him fairly and show respect. Imagine that …. about damn time.
10 days on FB and I am working pretty much at capacity again. My body hates me for it but my bank account doesn’t! LoL I hate debt, of any sort ….. i’ll sleep better in pain than in debt and obsessing!
It started with the furnace and just progressed, thing after thing within a month and a half and all of a sudden we went from all paid up to almost $10 000 of things to replace. I have no intention of going into my savings so work it is!
My baby brother, who has just recently come back into my life, has been taken advantage of by family but I have convinced him to meet with my financial adviser. I think he learned a few things and opened up his mind to a few new ideas for his future. The man i work with is very kind and has a great heart for helping where and who he can. He has offered to provide his services to L free of charge regardless of whether or not he moves his money. People like that are hard to find. I want to give him credit, even if he will never know it! 😉
L is schizophrenic …. he can use all the help he can get. You’d be surprised how many people have no trouble taking advantage.
So, it’s been a busy couple of months, with holidays and things breaking down, appointments and emails. Advocating and stress managing, fact finding and scheduling, coordinating and pushing forward.
If i’m lucky i have about a week of calm before the next storm.
Once again i find myself in a position that maybe, just maybe I can lay down sword and shield. For just a little while the warrior can rest.
Perhaps, if i’m lucky, i can switch gears and just be nijntje for a while.
I guess we’ll soon find out. Happy Friday ❤
My life always sets me in a leadership role. I’ve been busy managing and advocating and helping etc. etc.
Things have happened, changed and now i find myself working full time again. My body doesn’t care for that, it has very quickly reminded me why i had cut back in the first place! *chuckle*
But, life goes on doesn’t it? Time and energy wiped away and the kinky adventures have to wait.
The house is still never our own and now the idea of Bear taking a day off work here and there so that we can enjoy ourselves and ‘play’ has been set aside as well. With me working everyday, there is no opportunity to be grasped. Not that He has shown much interest in all things D/s lately anyway.
It’s still there of course, in the background waiting to come out. It never shows itself unless there is a major issue which of course with me …. there never is.
Stolen moments are just that, moments …. no more than just a few minutes in time. Just not really enough to sustain this rabbit.
So ‘someday’
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
They say submission takes strength but many times in my travels i see submissives taking the blame for things and beating themselves up over things that their dom’s didn’t like.
The dom on the other hand runs around doing whatever they want, not listening, not asking and certainly (in my opinion anyway) not caring for the submissive in the way they need. In the way that was agreed upon. When things don’t go right they say it’s because the submissive isn’t trying hard enough.
When the submissive steps outside of what the dom is comfortable with and tries to find their own peace, however that might be, the dom then decides ‘their’ feelings have been hurt and that it’s the ‘worst thing ever in the world, how could you’?
In my dominant life I know one thing, IF I am taking care of things the way they need to be taken care of, NO ONE needs to go look elsewhere. Does this mean I’m perfect in my dealings? No. But I do take on the responsibility of failure and do my best to fix it.
I respect the people who look up to me and depend on me, and I ask for their opinion. Who the h3ll else knows them and their situation better then they?
I might not be interested in BDSM domination but I am dominant in the rest of life. So if a ‘dom’ can’t take responsibility or makes you more miserable then happy in life and causes you to question yourself over and over than I call Bull Sh*t!
That’s why they say submission takes strength. One of those strengths is to stand up for yourself.
It’s true, it’s official! I’ve always known what i like and what i don’t ..
What i need in my life and what i really have no use for! I was right ….
I hate Facebook. I don’t like having to be ‘nice’ and ‘like’ and all that, all the time.
I don’t like people-ing as it is, having to do it in print, it seems to be even worse in feel. UGH
I’m there because of my work, in case you are wondering. In my field, advertising and promoting has gone by way of FB, so here i am. 😛
You need ‘friends’ in order to look credible but then all of your ‘friends’ stuff shows up on your feed. I’ll be honest, i don’t care! I really don’t, i mean it’s important to you and i get that …. but i don’t want to know.
If i shut it all off, it makes me look less likable, but i need to see what’s being said so i can stay relevant.
Yeah, still hate FB. Sorry, not my cup of tea!
In other news ….. 10 days on FB has me working at full capacity, so time to write has not been available. I miss writing, i miss responding, i miss you all. Let’s hope i can hop back in here and there!
Ciao!!
In the beginning of all this excitement and whirlwind of a journey i thought i wanted to become D/s. i know now that it’s not true!
‘Becoming’ something to me sounds like you are moving in the direction of something that has been predetermined in space and time. Something that has parameters and rules, ways of being.
i’ve always been an ‘outside the box’ sort of person. Trying to fit into something that wasn’t of my mind or soul simply doesn’t work for me. The entire thing feels like putting on a show. That is not who i am.
Trying to ‘be D/s’ always seemed to lead to let downs and frustrations because it simply didn’t work in our life, in our time and schedule etc. It was someone else’s version of how life should be you see, it works for them and where they are in life but you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, can you?? not very well.
So some years ago i decided i no longer wanted to ‘become D/s’, instead i decided that D/s could become part of us! It was no longer about following a set schedule or ways of doing things. It was no longer about chasing a feeling and/or maintaining a mind space.
No more, shoulda, coulda, woulda ….
I think there is a real difference between doing this with someone you live with 24/7 and doing this with someone outside of your home/life.
To me it’s the difference between dating and married. Not trying to be offensive to anyone, just trying for simplicity.
When you go on a date you are ready, you are prepared, you are focused and you are planning on giving your date all of your attention. You dress to impress and you have already prepared yourself mentally for that time together, whatever it is you’re doing. In this case BDSM or D/s activities. If for some reason you are not prepared you cancel or postpone.
When you are married/live together however there is not usually a division between getting stuff done and preparing to be Dom or sub. Yes you can set time aside for these things, plan date nights etc. but truthfully, life tends to grab a hold of a lot of that time and energy. You share all aspects of life which means you are both stressed or overwhelmed AT THE SAME TIME!
A live in partner sees all of you, 24/7, not just your best foot forward like when you are dating, like when you are mentally and physically prepared to be together.
I’m not saying that there isn’t a great amount of connection and closeness/knowledge of your partner in those relationships, i’m just saying that the depth of it all is still different. There are things that come up when you are 24/7 in the same space that just don’t happen when you are not.
We called it rose coloured glasses …. to me that’s what ‘becoming D/s‘ felt like. There was no room for a Master who just wasn’t feeling it today and couldn’t find the energy to Dom. The idea that i didn’t feel ‘submissive’ today meant that something must be wrong or maybe it wasn’t for me after all …. or worse, we ‘lost it‘.
Even in a 24/7 relationship you go through different thoughts, feelings and emotions. It’s called life.
So no, we didn’t become 24/7 D/s …. it simply became part of us. That differentiation was freeing to me!
nijntje & The Bear 