‘Gotta keep your head up’!

It’s been a while since I posted a musical inspiration, what the heck was I thinking!?!?! LoL

I’m seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled 
I start to compromise 
My life and the purpose 
Is it all worth it, 
Am I gonna turn out fine? 

Taking it easy when I need to, getting things done slowly but surely. Not much more I can do right now and that’s okay. I’m not willing to compromise my life and its purpose for the approval of the world at large.

At the end of the day I’m the one who needs to go to bed with what I’ve done, no one else.

I’ve thought for a long time that we might have to sell the home we live in because it was going to be too much for me to handle sooner rather than later, now, for some reason I’m starting to think that I might be able to keep it a bit longer. I think we might be able to enjoy what we have worked so hard for all these years after all.

If I pace myself and get help when needed I think I might be well enough, most often, to be able to keep up after all. At least for a little while yet. That brings a smile to my face. It’s an old Georgian style, a real pain in the @ss really! *chuckle* There is only so much you can change and upgrade without losing the integrity of the style, so we don’t change it, we make due.

The yard is huge and requires a lot of maintenance on a regular basis or it will very quickly get away from you. When we moved in the older gentleman before hadn’t been able to keep up and it had gotten quite wild. It’s been a labour of love as they say but it’s one of my favourite places to sit and read in the summer, or anytime really when the weather cooperates! *chuckle*

In the winter I like to sit in the library and look out the picture window. The winter animals scurry here and there and occasionally take me away from my reading or writing. Other times the empty, frozen canopy glistens against the crisp blue sky. It’s mesmerizing ….. hours pass and coffee gets cold before I realize how long I’ve been there.

Yeah, it’s worth the work and the inconveniences here and there … *wink* I’ve just got to pace myself.

Maybe we can stay, a bit longer after all. What do you think, Bear? ❤

*** maybe this post ended up in the wrong place! Ooopps! *giggle* Oh well! Even D/s life isn’t all about spankings. The musical inspiration stands however, you know those ebbs and flows everyone talks about. ***

Naughty, naughty rabbit! *wink*

I’m finally starting to feel a bit better, starting to get around and basically feeling human again! There is still pain involved in every action but at least it’s bearable and I can function. So ….

The Evilness came out to play, left me some instructions for the day, kinky instructions that help to make the PE obvious and they also make me feel sexy and wanted …. win/win! It’s nothing complicated but it involves toys and ‘tools’ of the trade and always gets my mind racing. Ten minutes are really all it takes …. *giggle*

Naughty rabbits can’t leave it at just that though! After I had completed His request I made sure to clean everything and then arrange it, very neatly and in order of where they would have appeared had He been here to watch! *wink*

First the mat goes on the floor, with the towel on top for easy cleanup … *giggle* Then comes the gag in front, pins and other toys follow suit, on the towel and in relatively the same spot they would have been just minutes before. There, almost done …

A note written in gratitude for the minutes He left for me today. A note to acknowledge that I followed His orders and completed His request, neatly tucked into all the toys. Everything on the mat by His bedside chair … right there where He can imagine me kneeling in wait.

The bedroom door was left open, He wouldn’t have any reason to suspect a thing until He almost walked right onto the place I had waited. *giggle* A fun surprise at the end of a long day!

‘I liked that very much, nijntje. That was a nice surprise.’

Then I asked Him if it had all been hidden away again.

‘Oh no, that’s not my job, that’s for you.’

I think He likes it, this power.

I know something inside me does! *giggle*

His needs more than mine.

I started this blog primarily as a way to communicate to my dominant husband but also because I couldn’t find what I was looking for ‘out there’. I haven’t had much inspiration to write lately but for some reason this little tidbit won’t leave my mind today, lucky you …… *chuckle*

I started off asking for kink for I think pretty obvious reasons, it’s fun! The energy, the connection, the orgasms …. who wouldn’t ask if it’s the type of thing you enjoy?? It quickly became obvious to me however that I could use this ‘thing’ to bring back something that had somehow slipped away from us in all the years of marriage, work and kids.

**** This is a very generalized use of gender. I am using terms in their most basic forms, this is not a commentary on any other gender issue. ****

When we got together I had already realized something about men and women, I had already realized that the way to have a man’s devotion was to make him feel powerful and in control, make him feel like a man when he is with you and he will treat you like his queen. When you take control of something you take ownership of the responsibility that comes with it as well. It’s a pretty old school way of thinking I suppose but the truth is that for me, it works.

There is a very big difference between ‘man’ and ‘male’ …. in my personal opinion I have only met a handful of ‘men’ in my 45 years so far. I have very high standards, I know, but I also expect them of myself so I will not apologize for that.

To me the definition of dominant/leader is not kink based, it is one that puts the needs of others ahead of their own desires. The one who does the heavy lifting when it comes to life to be sure that those under their care are well looked after. It’s the one that takes on the responsibilities, whatever they might be. The only way this works of course is if you follow their direction. This is only possible with trust. If they earn your trust it becomes easy to follow and listen.

My trust/respect is not something easily earned, I don’t think it’s something I need to work out BTW, it’s simply part of my pragmatic personality. Bear earned my trust many moons ago, that’s the only reason we were able to get together. I handed over the leading role in our relationship, and I was very comfortable letting Him have it but guess what?

Whether it be personality or the way I grew up I don’t know, likely both, but I am a very strong and dominant individual on my own. I didn’t have those around me I could trust so I began taking on the responsibilities and in turn control, very early in life. It’s not a difficulty for me, it comes naturally and I enjoy it. Even the stressful times …

I’m still very dominant and in control, that’s my role with most relationships I have. When the kids came along and work got busy and then pets came into play and of course the finances …. slowly but surely I started taking the leading role in all of those things. I’m not saying it was just my fault, He let me.

I suppose He didn’t know He was allowed to step in and take some of that control. I think the lines between women having personal rights/control and men being ‘manly’ (which to me means responsibility) has been so pushed and pulled on that it is one big undefined mess. I had never told Him formally I was willing to follow, He didn’t know!

We found ourselves in the same position as many others I know. I was in charge of everything, getting very tired and at times overwhelmed. I got more and more used to doing things myself and so I didn’t ask for anything. He started to feel less and less needed and so became pretty resentful. I started to feel like I had 3 children, not 2 and I’m sure He started to feel like I was a controlling difficult wife. He didn’t listen to a word I said, I started to feel very alone in life.

Fortunately I was also at a stage in life where my sex drive went through the roof …… *wink*

When we played I felt like His again, like in the beginning, like why I fell in love with Him in the first place. My safe space … the only one I have ever known. I wanted that back. I could let go of the stress and responsibility, I could breathe, I could have help in this life, I could trust!

It was one hell of a leap of faith, faith in Him. I had been taking care of so much for so long that He had a very steep learning curve to concur before He could head this relationship Himself. Obviously that wasn’t going to happen over night and it wasn’t going to happen by himself either. I needed to be a partner and His counsel in many things.

Guess what? That part doesn’t change, not really. The more I take my place as partner and counsel the stronger He gets in His leadership and dominance. He needs me to do this in order to allow Him to be His true self. His true self is the one I fell in love with, the one I wanted to spend my life with, the one that made me safe.

We are a team, He gets the deciding vote. It doesn’t make me weak, it brings back His strength.

Fulfilling His needs has brought me to a place that I can acknowledge needs I never realized I had. How’s that for yin and yang! *wink*

*** This is my own personal account of course, from what I have found the roles can be reversed and work just as well. It requires one of each ….. not sure it matters who is where. ***

What I know for certain is that The Bear was not happy being anything but the dominant. I’m quite comfortable being His submissive, AND His ‘Right Hand Rabbit’! *giggle*

D/s on hold?

From the outside looking in you might get a very different picture.

My husband has spent the last many days being at my beck and call. It’s true, He gets me my drinks and takes my plate when I’m done. He helps me up from the table or the couch. He has vacuumed the entire house, done and folded the laundry and put most of it away Himself.

He has dressed and undressed me (that part might make sense *smirk*), got my clothes ready for the morning and brought me my water. He has helped with my shoes and even taken off my socks for me.

Kink has been nonexistent, I can’t move without pain shooting through me so whatever His needs might be He has kept them quiet.

The people I talked to long ago would say that our D/s is ‘on hold’ …. LMAO I strongly disagree!

Kink, sex and putting on appearances is not what D/s means to us. Protocols and rules are fun and helpful but real life does like to throw you curve balls doesn’t it? At the moment the dynamic might not look like what you would expect but it’s still very much in tact.

I’m holding back from pushing my body when I know I shouldn’t because He says so, I’m also not hiding my pain. He’s ‘going to help me and do for me whether I like it or not‘ because He feels not only the responsibility but also the right! Plus He also said that if I hurt myself and He finds out it’s because I over did it than I won’t be sitting comfortably ‘for many days’ after that, and not because of my hips/back! Whaa!?!?!?

When it comes to taking care of me His dominant side never fails to appear these days. I’ve never broken His rules on purpose so I’m not sure just how far He’d go with this but something tells me I’m much smarter not to start pushing His limits now!!

When He puts His hands on me lately it’s gentle and soft, no ‘hard’ anything right now but that doesn’t negate the strength in His energy. I dare say this is when He seems the most powerful and comfortable in that power.

All I know for sure, I’m not taking any chances!

D/s on hold? I think not.

My ‘Dom’ – it’s more than kink!

This probably doesn’t fit well with the general idea of D/s but around here my Dom is currently doing much of the housework, especially the more physically demanding work even though I’m home all day, every day and only work part-time. How’s that for your typical D/s relationship! *chuckle*

I’m not happy about it but my current physical state isn’t giving me any choice. I would prefer to be doing things for my Dom, for my husband, but at the moment I can’t. It’s frustrating for me no doubt but that’s just the way it is.

I’m not failing as His submissive, He is excelling as my Dominant. Part of this relationship in our opinion is that He has made Himself responsible for my well-being. He’s making me ‘sit and stay’ …..

I admit that if we hadn’t decided to start venturing into this ‘dynamic’ I would likely be guilting myself to the point of madness by now!! I would also be working myself too hard and likely causing many more issues in the long run.

I’ve never been one to count on anyone for help, I’m the one who normally gets sh*t done! Part of my submissive journey was opening myself up to count on my husband. I’ve changed the dialogue in my head from ‘i’m failing’ to He’s taking care of me and helping. He is doing His job.

I’m not sure I could be here without some serious mental anguish if we hadn’t embarked on this kinky journey. Go figure! *chuckle*


Struggling ….

This is not new and it’s not the first time. I’m struggling but probably not how you think!

I’m struggling to write here, on this blog. I started this with lots of ideas and lots to say. I also used to read and listen to many other people out there in the blogosphere …. I don’t put much time towards that any more.

Some of the things I read bothered me, some made me want to speak out. Some triggered thoughts of how and what and why …. Some were just simply for fun.

I used this format as a way to ‘think out loud’ at times.

I don’t get much in terms of comments which is fine but it doesn’t give me any ideas to jump off of, to live to write another day … 😛 LoL

Life with the boys is ‘life’, not a whole lot to comment on that hasn’t already been said.

Life with me and the Bear is great, we always want more time for kink but who doesn’t? *smirk* Our connection is great, our time together always well taken advantage of. We don’t have issues or disconnect, we don’t have questions and we don’t have anything requiring attention.

We spend time together every day ….

We talk together ….

We touch together ….

We play together ….

We work together …..

If something does come up we tackle it together …..

When we can sneak in a moment or two we kink it up together! *grin*

I don’t believe in labels, I couldn’t care less if i ‘fit’. I don’t follow the crowd and I don’t believe anyone who says they have all the answers.

This isn’t just a dynamic, its my life. We are who we are every moment of the day, sometimes the dynamic is more obvious and sometimes less. I’m fine either way ….

If I need more I go to Him, He has never turned me away. If He needs more, I’m at His service, without fail.

I don’t know what else to write about …… but i like to write.

That’s my struggle.

Reblog: Inner marriage. Reuniting & honouring all the pieces of me — heART of Rest

I found this and it really struck a chord. Both sides have been hurt and both sides need to be honoured and respected in order for us to finally come together as man and woman.

I know that we have been hurt and shamed as women but shaming and hurting men is not the way to fix it or move forward. D/s aside, give it a read ….

In recent years I’ve read beautiful writings about the awakened man apologising to woman for her suppression and abuse. In particular I think of this one: “We have burned you at the stake, bought and sold your bodies for sexual pleasure, barred you from religious and political office, relegated you to subservient chores, forced you […]

via Inner marriage. Reuniting & honouring all the pieces of me — heART of Rest

Ah, Monday!

I’m spoiled in my marriage, i have no doubt about that. I’m not going to say i’m lucky because i don’t believe in luck, but i will say that we both acknowledge and appreciate each other and what we have. We both are mindful everyday to bring our best foot forward in this relationship and to make sure actions and words are always done to elevate each other not to tear us down.

It’s not always easy and it is most certainly not luck but it is very much worth it. As a result …. i feel very spoiled. *smiles*

Mondays and back to work always have a very distinct feel from the weekend hours. The weekend find me almost always in physical contact with the Bear. Whether He is brushing my backside with His fingers as He walks by or holding my hand when we are out and about. Sometimes it’s the feel of His hand on the back of my neck if we are talking to someone or other more intimate touches when there is no one about. There is almost constant physical sensation ….

Monday leaves a very obvious void …..

Two worlds collide!

The conversations i have been having ‘here’ and because of here ….

Then the conversations about philosophy and philosophers with my kids….

The two worlds have collided to bring me to recalling this ….

… where two other worlds collide! *giggle*

Life is amusing, at least i think so!

Happy Saturday! ❤

So tell me ….

Since I have some things hopping through my little bunny brain … I’m curious!

If you know things that make your dominant happy, ritualistic posturing things, that he doesn’t often call for BUT when you do them of your own desire alone He always comments on how happy He is to see it, or be surprised by it …..

If you choose to go ahead and do those things without being asked but they are in fact BDSM type rituals. Are you pushing your boundaries and topping? Or are you simply doing your best to be pleasing and reinforce the dynamic?

Does it mainly depend on what energy you are coming into the room with? What your true intentions are ….

The Bear doesn’t often ask for much, you just never know when the opportunity will show itself around here, too many eyes and ears about usually. There is no denying the charge of energy i see in His eyes and in His body when i am able to surprise Him though.