This year, I’m taking care of *me*.

I don’t read much by way of ‘lifestyle’ blogs/posts so I can’t say that this isn’t out there, but it is something I haven’t seen much of and so I thought I’d put some of these thoughts ‘here’ and out of my head!

I remember originally searching and finding (or trying to) like minded people to share ideas with and information. I remember much of what we discussed, what the different ideas were and how it all seemed connected in one way or another. It was nice to have that circle to turn to but it did eventually make one thing pretty obvious. There was blog after blog about how to take care of your dom/me but nothing really about how to take care of you, the submissive.

It seems that when starting out in this exciting and all encompassing world of D/s ‘how to be a good submissive’ is a very widely sought after course! Kinky ideas are usually pretty easy to find, spanking videos and how-to’s are a dime a dozen and ‘letting go of all control’ memes would lead you to believe that if you just do it ‘right’ all your problems will soon be a thing of the past! *chuckle*

Raise your hand if you have found that to be true … please, anyone. Raise your hand, don’t be shy …. *wink*

I don’t think it takes too long for even the most optimistic of us to realize that that is simply not true! D/s (or whatever dynamic you chose) is a great addition to a relationship, a healthy relationship, and can even help to provide tools for a relationship that is perhaps in need of a nudge.

It does not however, provide a cure all and it does not make it so that things and situations don’t creep back up from time to time. Whether the issues are personal or from outside the relationship – life will go on. I mean, I have thought of getting onto a secluded island or a cabin in the woods! The latter being more my style anyway, but I have yet to make that dream a reality.

Alas, what I wish I had seen more of was information on the importance of self care, the importance of taking time to recharge and the importance of realizing/knowing that that too is part of submission.

I’m not saying I never ran into a post, or two, that covered this topic because I did. I just wish it was something more in the forefront, more pronounced. Almost like a prerequisite to entering the ‘school of submission’.

What I have seen is too many run into less than ideal situations because they didn’t realize that you can and as a matter of fact NEED TO take care of yourself first if you want to be good at whatever it is you have decided to pursue. Secondly, it’s not your dominant’s job to take care of you, not like this. As an adult you have a responsibility for yourself.

Yes, a dominant will always do their best (or at least they should strive to I would think) to take care of any issues that arise and that they can identify but they are neither god nor a mind reader. Even if they could see it coming quite frankly it’s unrealistic and unfair to believe they will be able to spot and ‘fix’ all of life’s trials and troubles.

These relationships require consent and that can only be given by rational, reasonable adults. As such we need to understand that we are still ultimately in charge of and responsible for our own lives. D/s doesn’t change that,….

It does give us a shoulder to lean on and perhaps, if we are really lucky, someone to carry the load for a while until we get back to ourselves.

It does give us a closeness and connection that may often confuse those not in the know.

It does give us a soft place to fall (or kneel) when we just can’t seem to find the strength to keep standing.

It does not however take the place of ‘real life’. It simply enhances it.

It does not take away our responsibility for ourselves, either. So yes, this year I’m taking care of me. I’m not sure if I’d give myself that privilege if not for the strength and support of the Bear, that much I can say. It was however something I had to rationalize and set for myself.

He’s the Dom, he ‘signed off’ which I knew he would because after all – It is his job to take care of me, right?? LoL

Why is it we complicate things so? He’s made me take care of me more and so I have been able to set time and space to do so. Now, I know what I need, why does he have to figure that out too in order for it to be ‘real D/s’ and not leading or some other dumb sh*t?

Remember that ‘rule’ in school …

K.I.S.S.

Keep It Simple Silly!

Jerks are everywhere – even in BDSM.

You know what’s really sad, insulting and even a bit laughable? When you post your truth, when you try to show the world what your BDSM and D/s looks like, to be honest, real …. and then someone tries to use that moment in time and turn it into an opportunity to try to steal your partner away.

I’m not interested in being a site that only speaks about the fun, kinky and full on power exchange moments. I’m in a live in, married, 24/7 relationship with the man I fell in love with a quarter century ago. We share 2 children, 2 dogs, two cars and a nice Georgian style home with a very large, beautiful but very work laden back yard.

There are many more facets to our lives than just BDSM and D/s.

I like to include some of that in my blog because it gives a fuller picture of what real life looks like, not the porn videos or fiction story books. Whatever you read however is just a snippet – a moment in time. It’s not always indicative of that week or even that day.

In fact, I use writing as a way to work through whatever stress is on my mind and it very often has left me by the end of the post. I imagine it works this way for many of us who chose to write.

None of us need your rudeness in stepping in and trying to overtake what we have worked so hard to build.

****************** *********************

This is not a normal issue for me here, I keep things tame enough to keep most interest at bay I suppose. But there is always someone, humm? Consider this your scolding, if you want a DOM/ME so bad believe me I can turn on a dime. I might not be an alfa, but I could be.

MANNERS!

You want to be considered by someone, anyone who lives with integrity and in the lifestyle, than work on your damn manners. Bad form I say, and even if someone here was looking to expand our circle, which we are not, we would only consider those who have proper manners and know their place.

I might be His rabbit but I am always a Warrior. I may not be a sadist but I can certainly have you doing ‘jumping jacks if you over step again.

He’s a Man

I love Him dearly – I love Him to bits!! And, He drives me crazy!!

He drives me crazy for the same reasons I love Him to bits … he’s a man! (I’m not interested in comments about gender and fluency etc. Bear is a man, identifies as such and is quite happy to be one … so let it go, K??)

His communication style is very ‘man’ like. If you don’t know what I mean than this is likely not the blog for you … sorry. If you do know what I mean, well YOU KNOW what I mean! Argh!

All that said, if I really want to be His submissive than I need to stop focusing on what it is I think He should say, or do, or ‘word it like’ … and just simply take what He says either at face value or at what I’m pretty sure He means.

If I’m not sure I need to just ask – and not turn it into a ‘thing’ that then becomes an issue and then a problem etc. You see where I’m going don’t you?

We communicate differently and when we do it can become hard for me to merge that idea in my head with the reality that is. If I put the fantasy and emotion out of the equation – the truth is I know what He means, and doesn’t mean. I’ve known Him 25+ years now and I know Him better than anyone.

So why lean into the negative story that only wants trouble when I know He simply didn’t tell me the way I was expecting? (Ah, expectations – the angst of all submissives, right??).

When I’m deeper into -sub mindset- it’s harder to be rational, that’s why. When I’m not, I have a choice. I chose to go with what I know of Him and not start anything by way of trouble. The world has plenty of that – I prefer happy!

Sorry for the ramble, just getting my feet wet again with words! *wink*

The irony of denial LoL

Do you ever just read something that is so ridiculous it just makes you laugh!?! It’s bigoted and one-sided all while missing the obvious parallels with that which it denounces! LMAO

I’m sorry, but I find things and blogs like these (w)ho[l]ly hilarious!

I’m not going into detail here but let’s just say that it’s funny to me that a blog that is against BDSM, D/s and M/s happens to be a great source of inspiration for just that sort of dynamic! Just because you don’t use cuffs doesn’t make you any different from me.

If it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck …. and spanks like a duck and uses sex and nakedness as training tools ….

Does it really have the right to denounce us BDSM-ers??

Just some thoughts on a Thursday! ❤ Be well 🙂

I can throw Him off His throne.

There is something delicate about a dominant that cares, really cares, about the person He is with and the job He is doing.

I think the mainstream term is ‘gas lighting’, I call it manipulation but either way ….

It may be on purpose but I think sometimes it’s just a reaction, a negative reaction to a hard lived life.

The point remains, a submissive can easily dethrone a caring dominant – and a caring dominant can easily be dethroned. That’s where time, wisdom and understanding of your submissive comes into play. The sign of an experienced dominant – OR an experienced submissive!

How do you suppose the Dom learned in the first place?

Yin and Yang – balance – what He holds I yield and what I hold He learns.

Simple, right?? LoL

‘Active submission’ – my answer was yes, but not like you would think, probably ….

I tend to be very pragmatic, it gets me into ‘trouble’ at times, not that I care much! *chuckle*

The idea that anyone is or always has been ‘one way’ and can’t be changed is silly. It always has been to me.

Life is a training exercise and we have all been trained to be the way we are by one method or another. With the right tools/skills anyone can train anyone to be whatever it is they choose.

This may fly in the face of all the ‘true’ or ‘real’ advocates but so be it. And it doesn’t matter much what side of the ‘slash’ you fall on.

‘Can a master be trained by a submissive?’

The most accepted term for it in the ‘community’ that I have heard is active submission:

My ‘submission’ was and is a dominant act.

** A re-blog of thoughts gone bye …. to make the comment in my last post perhaps a bit clearer.**

Confusing? It shouldn’t be. In my view the main responsibility of a dominant is to identify and provide for the needs of those whom they have made themselves responsible.

While in the dominant role at home it became obvious that my husband needed to be in charge in order to feel fulfilled in His role. Where is it written that a dominant can’t choose to let someone else take the lead?

He is capable, responsible, steady, strong and willing. Contrary to some comments and posts I have read, I believe that the privilege to lead is earned not a given …. every leadership role I have been in has been earned, to me this is no different.

I mentioned the other day I’m not entirely sure I have a ‘submissive mindset’ and this is what I was referring to. I made a dominant decision to let Him lead, to give Him the information, respect and responsibility for things inside our home and family. My responsibility now is to be sure to follow through, and so I do.

I’m not saying I don’t get anything out of it, quite the contrary! Having someone to take the burden is obviously a wonderful turn of events and I can tell you I’m enjoying it immensely! 😉

Perhaps this is why I really don’t struggle with ‘submission’, to me it’s a welcome respite from all the other times when I am in the leadership role.

Love You Always Sir ❤

I call Bull Sh*t!

They say submission takes strength but many times in my travels i see submissives taking the blame for things and beating themselves up over things that their dom’s didn’t like.

The dom on the other hand runs around doing whatever they want, not listening, not asking and certainly (in my opinion anyway) not caring for the submissive in the way they need. In the way that was agreed upon. When things don’t go right they say it’s because the submissive isn’t trying hard enough.

When the submissive steps outside of what the dom is comfortable with and tries to find their own peace, however that might be, the dom then decides ‘their’ feelings have been hurt and that it’s the ‘worst thing ever in the world, how could you’?

In my dominant life I know one thing, IF I am taking care of things the way they need to be taken care of, NO ONE needs to go look elsewhere. Does this mean I’m perfect in my dealings? No. But I do take on the responsibility of failure and do my best to fix it.

I respect the people who look up to me and depend on me, and I ask for their opinion. Who the h3ll else knows them and their situation better then they?

I might not be interested in BDSM domination but I am dominant in the rest of life. So if a ‘dom’ can’t take responsibility or makes you more miserable then happy in life and causes you to question yourself over and over than I call Bull Sh*t!

That’s why they say submission takes strength. One of those strengths is to stand up for yourself.

 

 

Of Nietzsche, BDSM and lil’Rabbits!

I’ve been reading Friedrich Nietzsche and life is affording me some time to explore and play with my kinky side and so i’ve been musing.

Early into “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, Nietzsche has his character go into a monologue about the different incarnations of self … more or less. This concept hasn’t left me since reading about the camel, the lion and the child. So many of the visuals used are the very same as the ones i have used throughout my life, and stages too! Reading it has been like ‘coming home’ in a sense, … but onward! *chuckle*

I’m not going into great detail from the book, i know you can all read it for yourselves if you chose, no need for me to ramble on. I am going to muse on how i see it being so in line with my experience of life so far.  😀 And, how it ties into my D/s relationship.

The camel being the first stage, the stage where you carry the load of life, do what’s expected and carry on without much thought or worry of self. You take on the challenges around you and deal with whatever crap gets thrown your way, in my case anyway!

Next stage is the lion, the stage of strength and determination. Where you fight the good fight, find your truth and inner strength and learn how to stand on your own two feet, say ‘NO’ when it’s appropriate, fight your dragon! *smirk* yup, he said that! (Some of you might find this as amusing as i do if you’ve followed a while!)

The next and final stage, the child. The child is important and more powerful than the other two but can not come to be without the others first. The child can make everything fresh and new, “is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred ‘Yes’.” The thought finishes with, “the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world.”

This is all very simple paraphrasing and the story goes on much further and deeper.

What i know is the it matches nicely with the stages of life i have been through and the ‘child’ fits well into what D/s has helped me accomplish. Now i’ve said before that i am not ‘little’, i don’t have a regression or age i like to slip into. I do however have my lil’Rabbit, my bunny.

When all is right with my world i easily find myself in an innocent feeling space. It’s an energy that comes naturally and feels fresh and new and allows for new experiences and new memories to be made. Forgiveness perhaps, acceptance definitely and a weightless way of being, of living without fear, shame or worry.

Now just because ‘bunny’ (Nietzsche’s child) is innocent and ‘light’ doesn’t mean it’s not powerful, because you see it has carried the weight of the camel and faught the fight of the lion. It knows it’s own worth and capabilities and has grown beyond even that, to be strong enough to let it all go and ‘live’.

This part of life i don’t know if i would have been able to achieve without first having the safety of knowing that if i let it all go i was doing it in the safety of having Him watch over me. It came to be from the security of His dominance.

So yeah, just musing on a Monday!

 

My sexuality is submissive, my BDSM side is a switch!

Just musing about my sexuality and masochism. My sex drive is on high so of course these ideas are running through my mind.

When i’m sexually charged i’m very much ready to be submissive to Him, like i mentioned before, i do find that being His submissive is very much linked to sex and BDSM. When that’s in place all other ways of serving are on the table as they say.

The other thing i’ve noticed is that my want/idea of what BDSM is and what i need changes depending on my mindset. When i’m sexually charged the ideas running thought my mind are not only masochist but also sexual in nature. Toys and body parts *smirk* that are sexual are involved and so too are sexual parts of my body and orgasms.

When i’m in a more dominant mindset i’m still very much a masochist but the way i want to experience it is different. In this mind space i want more pain, more impact and little to no sexual touching. I want to push limits and see just how far i can push my body …. this is why a good sadist dominant is important.

When in this mindset i need Him to decide when enough i enough and keep a careful eye on my body and reactions. I enjoy pushing myself to the brink, just to prove that i can survive anything i suppose. This was a dangerous game to play when we started and i did realize some time back that i was pushing too far for the WRONG reasons. It was bordering on self harm and that is not healthy BDSM!

I’m not saying that orgasms are off the table when in this space but they are all brought on by pain and impact alone. If you try to touch anything that would normally be considered sexual or effective, i loose it. The “O’ that is ….

In case anyone is wondering, no i am not the slightest bit interested in being the sadist. It really does nothing for me.

Maybe ‘switch’ was misleading! *giggle*

Happy Friday! 😀