This was something that i struggled with at the beginning of including the dynamic into our relationship. I have always been a dominant person, take inventory and then take charge. I don’t see life as problems and issues i see next steps and solutions, so there is that to take into account.
Having two dominants in this marriage however led to hurt and redundant feelings for the Bear, It also lead to me being overburdened and worn out. The responsibilities were out of balance and so were we. So i looked for a solution! *wink*
It started with me just asking for kink, or more kink. I knew it would at least alleviate some of the stress i was under. I’m a masochist, if it’s not kink it’s something else that i’m doing to push my body, to get the endorphin high, to mellow me out you could say. So adding the kink was the start of the revelation.
It was easy to see how He could take responsibility in those instances, it was easy to feel how some of the weight of life was lifted off of my shoulders! Why not continue that throughout the day? He was obviously much more content having that responsibility, it wasn’t a burden it was a relief to Him to have something He could take charge of and make a difference in my life with. Who knew!?!? *wink*
That’s when the damn fantasy hit! *chuckle* You know the one, He does it all on His own, somehow reads my mind, knows exactly what and how to do things. And WHEN! Lord forbid i be the one to ask or explain, that takes away all the dominance from Him, doesn’t it???
Oh and my favourite, i’m just here for His use and benefit and asking/advocating for what i need and want is just me not submitting. RUBBISH! Back to the beginning we went, in my research that is. In a marriage this seems to be much more of a prevalent idea, at least in my travels. Many of the submissives i talked to were unhappy with their situations but felt that any input from their end was topping. They also felt that it took away from the feel of submission if they were truthful in this way, if they asked.
I admit i fell into this thinking for a short while, and i started experiencing the ebbs and flows everyone talks about. I was even at the brink of simply throwing in the towel and forgetting the whole thing! If you have been around long enough you might remember ….
I started looking outside the married submissive sites, i started talking to people in the lifestyle, some for a very long time. I started to realize that if you get into D/s or M/s from the beginning one of the first things you do, or should do is negotiate needs, wants and your vision of where and what this relationship should be.
You put in the ground work to make sure you are well matched and on the same page with your thoughts and needs. It’s only after that foundation is set that you start experimenting with the lifestyle and with your own personal dynamic. There is a lot of checking in and communicating from both sides in order to get things ‘right’ before finally getting into the ‘fantasy’ that we have in our heads.
So why should i/we do it any different?
I put the idea of topping or thinking that this was somehow ‘less than’ in submission out of my head and i started talking. If submission is putting your self, your soul at the feet of another does that not too include your real thoughts, feelings and needs?
All i know is that we are both content now, and i rarely need to say anything these days. That doesn’t mean i won’t though, i won’t disrespect His dominance by being dishonest, in any way. He’s proven that He can take the best and the worst of me. I’m not hiding anything anymore.
(Thanks for the inspiration in your comments! 😉 )