Holy Hanna!! I think the world is coming to an end ….

I put that call out to the universe yesterday and today my baby brother emailed me, three times!

I saw him once almost a year ago and 5 years before that!

My youngest has the last week and a half battled some serious medical side effects and in the last two days made all his classes.

Today, tonight he has just told us he would like to go sleep over at a friends. It’s a family we have known and respected for a long time. We have no problem with that ……………… it’s the first time in probably 10 years he has even considered sleep outside of his own home, grandparents included.

I have always believed that we are all connected somehow in our energy ….. but this?

Ssshhhhhh, don’t jinx it!

My mind today …. i know, it’s not May!

Current recent events have had me thinking, and i heard this today. It always makes me think about my baby brother …. hope you enjoy. 🙂 

All Day Staring At The Ceiling
Making Friends With Shadows On My Walls
All Night Hearing Voices Telling Me That
I Should Get Some Sleep
Because Tomorrow Might Be Good For Something

Hold On Feeling Like I’m Heading For A
Break Down And I Don’t Know Why

I’m Not Crazy I’m Just A Little Unwell
I Know Right Know You Can’t Tell
But Stay Awhile And Maybe You’ll See

A Different Side Of Me
I’m Not Crazy I’m Just A Little Impaired
I Know Right Now You Don’t Care
But Soon Enough You’re Gonna Think Of Me
And How I Used To Be…Me

And Talking To Myself In Public
And Dodging Glances On The Train
And I Know…I Know They’ve All Been Talking About Me
I Can hear Them Whisper
And It Makes Me Think There Must Be Something Wrong With Me

Out Of All The Hours Thinking
Some How I’ve Lost My Mind

I’m Not Crazy I’m Just A Little Unwell
I Know Right Now You Can’t Tell

But Stay Awhile And Maybe Then You’ll See
A Different Side Of Me
I’m Not Crazy I’m Just A Little Impaired
I Know Right Now You Don’t Care
But Soon Enough You’re Gonna Think Of Me
And How I Used To Be

I’ve Been Talking In My Sleep
And Soon They’ll Come To Get Me
And They’re Taking Me Away

I’m Not Crazy I’m Just A Little Unwell
I Know Right Now You Can’t Tell
But Stay Awhile And Maybe Then You’ll See
A Different Side Of Me
I’m Not Crazy I’m Just A Little Impaired
I Know Right Now You Don’t Care
But Soon Enough You’re Gonna Think Of Me

And How I Used To Be
And How I Used To Be
How I Used To Be

I’m Just A Little Unwell
How I Used To Be
How I Used To Be
I’m Just A Little Unwell

The back and forth dance.

One of the toughest parts of trying to keep this dynamic, this energy going, is the switching back and forth between life’s responsibilities and focusing on the D/s.

Sure if you are lucky enough to be at a stage in life where there is only the two (or more) of you to focus on then there really isn’t much reason to have such swinging romps! Unfortunately for me, and many of you out there i would imagine, life is just not that simple.

Moving back and forth from a work mindset to a ‘home’ mindset can be a challenge but i have found that having certain rituals in place make that much easier. It’s a transition from the busy, go go go to a more centered and focused approach to home life.

We both decided long ago that by 5:30 pm the world at large takes second place and home and immediate family become the focus. That made the D/s switch in regards to the outside world easy. There is no t.v.no cell phones, no other people interrupting, it’s just me, Bear and the boys pretty much every day, every weekend.

There is where the switch has to happen for me. With the issues we have had to manage in regards to the boys and their mental health being ‘nijntje’ is not always the first thing on my mind, even after 5:30!

All of this i write elsewhere but let’s just say that dealing with these issues and managing life and circumstances that arise from them puts me squarely in the dominant seat, holding the reins and leading the way. Much of that is done from right here in my cozy den. Much of that directly involves the boys, who are also right here ……

Gets kind of hard to just put that behind and switch gears …. especially when at the end of the day i’m not asking anything from the Bear in many cases, i’m telling Him. Just minutes before we cozy up for the night. Without something to indicate a change, it can be hard to just automatically change my energy.

I think most will agree that when it comes to submission much of it isn’t about what you are doing and what you are saying (outside of kink and fun times of course!) it’s about the energy you feel while you’re in it.

I think this part takes self awareness, focus and discipline. And a lucky rabbit’s foot or two  … ! 😉

Is that just me??

Free falling

** just thinking out loud **

My life is far from perfect, i’m far from perfect and so is Bear. Our dynamic goes through periods of high intensity and it also has times of low, slow calmness. It’s never not there i’d say but it can certainly become very subtle.

Then, after a while of wandering slowly i realize i need more. It’s always me who kick starts things i would say, Bear has never demanded anything from me without first getting the cues and energies i put out for Him. It’s how we work, He reads me and reacts.

Someone told me some time ago that if i was going to sit back and wait for Him to start things when i needed Him instead of stepping up and asking than i better have the patience of a saint because i was going to be waiting a long time! LoL He was right and i took that guidance to heart!

No matter what the fantasy might appear, if he actually thought He had the right to whatever He wanted, whenever He wanted without giving me a second thought i would be miserable! That is not the type of person i want leading this life of ours.

Whether He ‘knows it’ or it’s just instinct i don’t know but He always makes sure i’m in the right frame of mind to serve and to submit before He demands anything. It doesn’t work the other way around, it’s me who holds the key.

When i’m ready and life has given me a breather to get back to my secret self than i free fall into His dominance and He catches me. And we ride the wave again until life happens and we need to focus on the rest of it for a while.

It’s never gone but it does speed up and slow down dependent on life’s need. Sometimes it just simply swallows us both regardless of what life had planned, those are the primal moments that over take us, those are much less then when we first met but they are still there! *grin*

I was just thinking, if i wasn’t confident enough in me and in Him than i couldn’t free fall, and we likely wouldn’t be doing as well as we are.

Happy Friday! ❤ again *giggle*



Today i’m feeling silly … goofy ….. playful.

There has been a lot going on but for some reason my mood is still as such.

I’ve been reading about spankings and mindfulness and it has just reminded me of how long it’s been since we’ve been able to get any real impact play in! UGH

We were going to go away for the day Saturday and maybe try to add some naughtiness into our day but plans have changed. We’ve decided it’s best to stay close to home this weekend because, well you know … life!

I’m envious of those who have time and space and PRIVACY enough to play!

Still i’m totally tapping into ‘bunny’, i hope it continues into tonight! :O


Sometimes the decision is mine, not His.

In our life Bear gets final say on everything. He listens to me, more than ever really, and He takes what i say into great consideration. Many times He agrees with me and once in a while He doesn’t but the decision is always His. Except for one …

We haven’t been able to do much kink wise lately. Time, energy, body aches, me back to work, Bear travelling …. etc. etc. i’m sure you all know the drill.

There have however been some missed opportunities for orders and tasks and i think He feels that He has dropped the ball. I guess you can see it that way, there have been things shoved aside that really could be still in place but aren’t. Me doing things or Him ‘ordering’ things done certainly changes the feel, i can’t argue that He could have.

I don’t know about you but i don’t always stay on the ball, i have lower energy times and phases. I have times when i just need to rest and recuperate. i’ve been trying to add some energy into our dynamic recently and i went ahead and did a couple of things that i know He enjoys and appreciates.

I told Him i had kind of expected a more enthusiastic response ….

His answer was that He did enjoy it and was surprised that i would take the time to do these things when He hasn’t exactly been on top of things and essentially pulling His weight, in His view. He didn’t react more because He was in shock and frankly didn’t think He deserved my submission like that right now. He didn’t feel worthy.

Like i said normally the decision is His but not this time! I said “i’m sorry but you have no right to decide this. Every other choice may be yours Sir, but this one will always be just mine.”

Sometimes dominants need encouragement too. We are back on track …. *wink*

The worst thing you can do when you feel you’ve done ‘nothing’ is to continue to do nothing …. it doesn’t make me feel vindicated, it makes me feel neglected.


curled — (a reblog)

i set you down so you may look up. if I told you that the way you tilt your head back to meet my eyes is a fist. fingers entangled in hair a heart in curled fingers a punch to the gut

via curled —

Bear has always said there is something about my eyes …..

… you can’t like or comment on this site here through WP but i can share! 🙂

Visit the site to see the proper breakdown!


I’m trying, but i’m defeated.

Things have been busy and time and energy has been short. Every morning i have ideas in my head of how i can be actively submissive to Him and every evening my body or energy levels are defeated.

Bear likes the posturing, the kneeling and the waiting. It puts Him in the right mind space to then take care of my needs too. I like it as well, it’s like meditation if you will, it’s centering and calming.  He appreciates ‘humble’ as one of His favourites … it’s also very relaxing on the body. Anyone who does yoga will be familiar with the position! *smiles*


I tried last night before bed to give Him that, but my body defeated me.

I couldn’t do it on the floor because it was just too difficult on my knees and ankles. I chose instead to position myself on the bed. No lingerie either, just my pj short set that i had been wearing because it was warm again. It’s pink and has black lace, does that count? *smirk*

The position wasn’t perfect on a soft bed but it was done. I could tell by the way He touched me when He came in that He appreciated, that He knew. I think it gave Him just enough of that connection and energy to make it another night, i’ll have to ask Him. 🙂

There was no sex or kinkery, just a small moment of connection. I enjoy waiting and wishing for His touch but i admit that if He had made me wait much longer before letting me up i likely would have had to ask.

Defeated by my body? …. or maybe not at all, maybe the effort and lengths i went to to try was more than if it had been perfect.

I’ll have to ask Him that too! ❤

The rest of the night is private …. *wink*

** This post partially inspired by A.C. Elliott ** He really captures the moments of waiting for me. 🙂

From what i understand … explaining needs.

This was something that i struggled with at the beginning of including the dynamic into our relationship. I have always been a dominant person, take inventory and then take charge. I don’t see life as problems and issues i see next steps and solutions, so there is that to take into account.

Having two dominants in this marriage however led to hurt and redundant feelings for the Bear, It also lead to me being overburdened and worn out. The responsibilities were out of balance and so were we. So i looked for a solution! *wink*

It started with me just asking for kink, or more kink. I knew it would at least alleviate some of the stress i was under. I’m a masochist, if it’s not kink it’s something else that i’m doing to push my body, to get the endorphin high, to mellow me out you could say. So adding the kink was the start of the revelation.

It was easy to see how He could take responsibility in those instances, it was easy to feel how some of the weight of life was lifted off of my shoulders! Why not continue that throughout the day? He was obviously much more content having that responsibility, it wasn’t a burden it was a relief to Him to have something He could take charge of and make a difference in my life with. Who knew!?!? *wink*

That’s when the damn fantasy hit! *chuckle* You know the one, He does it all on His own, somehow reads my mind, knows exactly what and how to do things. And WHEN! Lord forbid i be the one to ask or explain, that takes away all the dominance from Him, doesn’t it???

Oh and my favourite, i’m just here for His use and benefit and asking/advocating for what i need and want is just me not submitting. RUBBISH! Back to the beginning we went, in my research that is. In a marriage this seems to be much more of a prevalent idea, at least in my travels. Many of the submissives i talked to were unhappy with their situations but felt that any input from their end was topping. They also felt that it took away from the feel of submission if they were truthful in this way, if they asked.

I admit i fell into this thinking for a short while, and i started experiencing the ebbs and flows everyone talks about. I was even at the brink of simply throwing in the towel and forgetting the whole thing! If you have been around long enough you might remember ….

I started looking outside the married submissive sites, i started talking to people in the lifestyle, some for a very long time. I started to realize that if you get into D/s or M/s from the beginning one of the first things you do, or should do is negotiate needs, wants and your vision of where and what this relationship should be.

You put in the ground work to make sure you are well matched and on the same page with your thoughts and needs. It’s only after that foundation is set that you start experimenting with the lifestyle and with your own personal dynamic. There is a lot of checking in and communicating from both sides in order to get things ‘right’ before finally getting into the ‘fantasy’ that we have in our heads.

So why should i/we do it any different?

I put the idea of topping or thinking that this was somehow ‘less than’ in submission out of my head and i started talking. If submission is putting your self, your soul at the feet of another does that not too include your real thoughts, feelings and needs?

All i know is that we are both content now, and i rarely need to say anything these days. That doesn’t mean i won’t though, i won’t disrespect His dominance by being dishonest, in any way. He’s proven that He can take the best and the worst of me. I’m not hiding anything anymore.

(Thanks for the inspiration in your comments! 😉 )

Blue Trees (a re-blog)

This is a copy and paste from my dear friend, Kitten. Not what i normally post on this site but it is too important not to share! I know mental health has affected my family, support is important.


There is a terrible disease of gum trees in Australia called die back and it is a growing problem in the Australian bush. The remnants stand as silent grey sentinels as monuments to what we are losing. One day I was given this picture of a dead tree with die back and the stark contrast of the bright blue made it stand out from it’s surrounding.

I thought it was a one off, an attempt to jazz up something that simply stood for loss. Something about it was haunting and I had to look it up on the computer and I was shocked to find what it was all about.

There is a group in Australia called ‘Beyond Blue’ that you can contact to get help and someone to talk to with regards to depression. I expect there are dozens of groups like them all over the world.

Now what do blue trees and Beyond Blue have in common? Well it seems, quite a lot. People are painting dead trees blue if they know of someone that died as a result of depression or have fought against the disease. I found it so touching I had to share it with my blogging friends as I know they might find it interesting.

I also think it is such a great cause it might be nice to spread the word across the world.

As this post is so very important you can copy and paste it to your own blog. I don’t need recognition for it.

Depression is a silent killer and the only way to defeat it is by seeking help. Take a stance and vow that not one more person should die as a result of this disease. Reach out to those you think might be depressed and simply say, ‘Are you ok?’

If you, or someone you know needs help, please seek medical help, or encourage them to do the same. I am certain if you google ‘depression’ on your computer you will find help. There will be places you can phone, all you need do is reach out. I believe the Samaritans still have phone lines and help people through a bad time.

Depression is a physical as well as a  mental disorder and you are not alone in this. It is nothing to be ashamed of or something that needs hiding. A problem shared is a problem halved. Look I could quote all of these cliches but it boils down to please seek help.