Detrimental?

Has my D/s dynamic been detrimental to myself and my mental fortitude?

I was never in ‘need’ of anything or anyone before, but these days I find that I feel an absence if he’s not there. If he’s not aware, if he just doesn’t get it ….

I’m an adult, I know that sometimes things go sideways, sometimes things need doing or sometimes people need time. I get that. But I never needed anything, outside of myself, ever!

Now that I’m dealing with Leukemia, relapse AND and stressed out Bear ….. not to mention mental health issues for W, and trying to find the right words to say so that they will just listen and not question when I say he requires a support person etc etc .

I find my down fall to be that I expect a certain response or at least concern from a certain Bear – and he does the opposite.

I get it, I do, it’s stressful for him too, of course!! But without D/s I wouldn’t have had this need.

Yes this is a BDSM D/s site, but I want to tell the truth of what it takes to be a submissive. For some of us it’s like we’ve given away our super powers. Is it worth it?

Looks like we’re off!

Tomorrow we/he has blood work and a few more invasive tests to get through but if all is well we will be off the following day to the capital for the start of treatment for gene therapy!

To the best of my knowledge it seems that he is in a clinical trial to see if this type of genetic treatment will work for his type of Leukemia, since nothing else has yet been able to kill the cancer.

If all goes well, this week will see us travelling from Tuesday to Friday and then home again. In about 3 or 4 weeks time they should be ready for him and we will once again be back to the capital for treatment, about a 6 week stay this time around.

We are hoping for the best but it is dangerous and there is a chance it could cause some very serious life threatening side effects! :O I’m trying very hard not to dwell on that.

Since this is also a BDSM blog I can add that I’m also trying very hard not to dwell on the fact that I will be away from Bear almost entirely for the 6 week stay. I’m sure he’ll be up on weekends when he can.

Being very much on the side of introvert as far as personalities go, I’m not looking forward to all the ‘socializing’ once more.

I find I have the teeniest flame, burning far and away in the depths of my mind that is looking forward to a time when i can put all of this ‘down’ and sleep at His feet. Perhaps for a long while ….

I do miss the chains and cuffs that calm me. 🙂 Happy Monday friends. ❤

Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!