Small things are important too!

Last evening Sir decided that He would do some things to help maintain our connection and ensure that continued calm we both enjoy in this life. We had a busy but wonderful weekend and Monday always flies by when getting back to work and taking care of whatever might need attention. By Tuesday things start to settle back into a normal routine of the week and really the first time you notice you are back at it as they say.

Sir was in the middle of cutting the grass by the time I was finally done with work for the day and He decided He would shut things down right then and there and come take care of our ‘5 minutes’ before He continued. This is a common thing here to keep us both happy but He also decided to add a few things to the evening since we had other plans and other things that needed attention. He wanted to make sure that we stayed connected, that we stayed at peace ….

He vocalized to me that there was no way He wasn’t going to make time for us and that He ‘missed me bunny’ … 😀 He let me know that He was adding a few things to the evening to keep me mindful of who I belonged to and then we were off again!

When He takes control of my body that way and then continues with the subtleties of keeping control of my actions it shows me that I can count on Him to be invested in controlling and caring for anything else that might come up and that is important.

Although these small actions are not overly complicated and no longer lead to crazy feelings of euphoria they do still show commitment and consistency that tells me He can be counted on when I need Him. We’ve been at this for a while now and although those little moments and things are no longer so highly emotionally charged they do still mean a great deal and work well for maintaining balance!

Anyone can sneak in 5 minutes, you just need to keep yourself in the right state of mind to let it mean something and let it keep you connected. Everything is a choice …. little things can matter!

Love You Sooo Bear! ❤

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Totally freaked out! Sunday night ….. yup, I did!

This weekend was the Retrofest and we went as usual, had a wonderful time, talking and walking and looking at all the cool cars and some trucks! It was warm and sunny and the streets were crammed with people enjoy their day just as we were!

We ran into a few people we knew, family and friends, we had a nice chat with a retired airplane engineer who now spends his time redoing old cars and touring! I got lots of pictures, I’ll post some soon! We ended up with an invite to my brother-in-laws for drinks later that evening! We meant to stay just a short while to say hello and make an appearance, it was after 1 am when we finally left! *giggle* I guess Sir was having fun, I think He mostly likes to watch me …..

Sunday was another sunny day for the most part, we got some yard work in, lots of flowers and things to keep the place looking pretty! 😀 Busy days but very good! I had asked for some extra time and to be conquered and Sir was more than happy to indulge me so by Sunday night I guess I was feeling a whole lot like a ‘girl’ …. that’s when it happened!

I was pouring a drink for my youngest, he had left the glass on the floor in the library while he was on the pc and it must have been empty for a little while. Anyhow I had gone in to talk to him and he asked if I could refill it for him, no problem. I brought it back to the kitchen, grabbed some juice from the refrigerator and started to fill his glass – a spider started to crawl out of the glass …. yikes! I totally freaked out! Started yelling and threw the glass in the sink, the boys come running in trying to figure out what was happening … OMG so embarrassing! I was in total ‘girl’ mode! *giggle*

I managed to calm down *sheesh* but I asked Sir to ‘get it’ for me, and of course with a big @ss smile on his face and a chuckle He walked away!!! Get it He says, it’s so small I can’t even see it! 😛

By this time the thing is crawling around in my sink and I’m freaking out and screaming again! Much to His amusement I’m sure ….

Now you must understand, normally I take care of these things on my own and without much fuss, I normally try to get the little critters outside if possible without hurting them but I DON’T freak out!! LMAO I told you D/s has turned me into a GIRL!

Try not to enjoy yourself too much at my expense you Evil Evil Bear!! *giggle*

Happy Monday All!

Love You Always Sir ❤

Replacing old memories …

This weekend is kind of special around here, we have a ‘Retrofest’ that show cases old cars and trucks, some pretty cool and impressive ones to be sure. People come from all over to bring their cars and to look … Sir loves to go up town and check them out. It has long been one of His favourite things to do on a sunny Saturday morning!

A few years back it was also the source and place of one of our most awful and now embarrassing moments. I’m writing this from my perspective but I know it was by no means strictly my fault, it was just one of those things that happened and we have learned from it and moved on …. but it is worth remembering so as to not repeat it.

We had been out for a dog walk and I was already not feeling well, the timing was bad and my body was just not cooperating with me. I had already stated I didn’t want to go, that I was not at all interested but I really didn’t say why. Instead of talking to me or letting me know that he was going anyway Sir said nothing, but since we were walking anyway He just slowly lead us in a round about way but in that direction. By the time I looked up from our conversation and the things that were on my mind I realized where we were and what He had done.  By now my body was really hurting and my head was fuzzy and I just really needed to be home and sit down, which we were now very far from, I was livid!

I turned to Him with fire in my eyes, I was angry and in no mood to deal with the crowd and the noise and I was going to make damn sure He became just as miserable as I was …… and I did. I took off on Him making my way through the crowd as quickly as I could, even at that pace it took a good 30 minutes to get home and I lead the way the entire time. I stormed in the house and although I don’t remember saying much I know He could feel my anger and mood ….  So much so that by the following year when the event came back He never even mentioned it.

This was before we had gotten deep into this life and before any punishments or repercussions were talked about and honestly with the part He played in this that wouldn’t have been fair or right anyway but by the time it came back around I needed to make emends. You see without corrections for me there was no closure, I still carried around the guilt of that day and I knew I had to make it better. It was so out of character for me to begin with and I know there were many things at play (too many to get into) but I still felt I had to fix it. I had treated my husband very poorly, I hadn’t been respectful of this man who will do anything for me, to care for me and protect me. Yes He had made mistakes too but I had no right to be such a b*tch, and believe me I was …

So when the Retrofest came back around I asked Him about it and as I assumed He said He wasn’t going, didn’t want to bother with it this time. Much to His surprise I’m sure I asked Him if we could go anyway, even just for a little bit, if He liked? I could see the confusion in His eyes and I’m sure He didn’t really know if He wanted to try again but He agreed and we went. I had already decided that I was going to have a good time and that I was going to make Him proud to be with me this time!

Now I’m not much into cars but I am a bit artsy and I can find something to get excited about, even in cars, if I try. I didn’t tell Him exactly what I was about, I wanted to surprise Him but I had decide I wanted to make art out of steering wheels and photographs! 😀 Do you know how cool those old ones can look? From all the different angles and styles ….

So I dressed up nicely in a sundress and put on a smile, I held His hand and kept asking if we could check this one out, and that one out? We talked about the colours and sizes of each and how many different ones there really was …. and we smiled and laughed and had a wonderful time! I know by the time we got home He was the happiest and proudest man on the streets of that show and I was damn proud to be His, and I think He was proud to have me too! 😀

Needless to say we make it a point of going every year now, and yes Sir I remember the rules!

  • I must tell you if I need a break
  • I must tell you if I am getting tired
  • I must tell you if I am not feeling well
  • I must tell you if I need a drink
  • I must tell you if I really just need to get home
  • I must not martyr myself ….

Last year was particularly fun for Sir I’m sure, since He made things a bit interesting for me in my attire, sundresses are cute and comfortable but on a windy day ……

Evil kinky Bear!! You had lots of fun watching me try to keep my skirt down so as to not show off what you were up to, humm Bear!?!? LOL

Love You Always my wonderful Sir ❤

Happy Thursday – it is Thursday, right?!?

Have you ever been so involved and wrapped up in your own mind that you lose track of what day it is …. good thing the pc has a date and time function!

Things seem to be getting back to normal, the waters seem to be calming although I don’t want to bank on it staying that way but I will take what I can get for now! Time, strength and diligence is paying off as well as a level head and perseverance!

The mood in the house has changed and I can take a breath ….. I’m ready to put the sword and shield down for a bit, I’m ready ….

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Do you want me ..? Than come and get me! I’m ready to be conquered ….

Please Sir!?!? 😉

Feeling feisty, feeling naughty, feeling strong. Needing a stronger hand to calm the storm before I need to start again …. needing  wanting a break. 😉 Do you want to play …..?!?

Love You Always ❤

 

And it continues ….

There have been so many things needing my attention and my strength lately that sexy and submissive and needy is the last thing on my mind.

I have been in full on mamma bear mode for some time and it is likely not going to end anytime soon. Sex is definitely not on the brain and being tied up and ‘tortured’ 😉 is not my constant day-dream, as it would be otherwise …. good thing those activities don’t define us or we would be totally screwed!

Don’t get me wrong, I still drop everything in an instant and melt into His little naughty sex slave when He wants me and I enjoy it immensely, and we both take out our stress on my backside …. just not as long or intense as ‘play’ normally would be but for us it works when done on a regular basis.

I’m not feeling overly kinky right now, (not that it doesn’t change into that when we start to play) …… but I’m not feeling any less connected or any less His!

Although spending a few hours this weekend in just my cuffs and collar would be heavenly Sir …. dscn1037

…. and perhaps that new thing you bought … 😉

Thank you for being more than just a DOM on paper and in kink. Thank you for being strong enough to let me lead in life and still confident and stable enough to hold Your place with us.

It’s that strength of character I’ve been following for some 22 years now anyway ….

Love You Always Sir ❤

Jumping Jacks indeed!

Warning: This is a personal post, trigger warning ….. self harm.

Please note if you choose to read, this is not a social commentary, this is not about dynamics or relationships or play practices. This is mine, my post, my need, my want to rejoice! I’m not even trying to explain my views here …. this is just my win.

Words and choice of subject matter might not be what you are used to here but to handle my demons of the past I had to turn into one h3ll of a tough SOB! I don’t need that part of me now but I won’t hide and I won’t apologize for it either. It’s part of who I am and part of what helped me survive … and all I have to say now is ‘jump M*** F**** jump!’

I’ve been holding on to this post for almost 3 weeks now. Last Friday night I couldn’t sleep once more, not due to stress or anything but I have always had a touch of insomnia since I was little and now with the menoBeast it likes to plague me from time to time, no biggie – just tired! It does leave me much time to think and normally those thoughts end up on ‘paper’ so I can finally get them out of my head. The last one was this post ….

I think mostly I didn’t want to get it down on ‘paper’ because I didn’t want anyone thinking it was about them, it’s not … it’s just me saying a big old F* You! to my demons …. because they no longer own me, they no longer hold any power.

Some of you might know that I have had some struggles in the past and one way for me to deal with the hurt and pain and anger of the sh*t I was dealt was to use self harm, cutting and burning in particular. The cutting used to make me feel like a pressure valve was released, I could inhale, take a breath, the noose was slightly loosened. The other side was the blood, oozing out was like a calming river, taking me into this space in my mind where everything was quiet and peaceful, like a strung out druggie I suppose. Completely spaced out and numb to the world for a while …

Well about 3 weeks ago this happened –

It was completely by accident, and I am not in the habit of sharing pictures of myself but this is just to show the extent of the cut. It’s the first time something like this has happened since I quit cutting on purpose. This is after trying unsuccessfully to stop the bleeding, at first the blood was draped down my leg like a cherry red curtain.

First I was annoyed but my second thought was, uh oh am I going to have any hint of satisfaction or emotional numbness? Is this going to be a trigger for me, am I going to have a taste of what I haven’t done and then want more? Life has been exceedingly hectic lately and stress has not been shy about making an appearance, daily!

To my extreme pleasure I felt nothing!!! That’s right you SOBs of the past, nothing, not one damn thing …. I have been saying for years that I am over you but I have never tested that theory – I guess the universe decided to do it for me! 25 years later … It has been 25 years since I have done this to myself and I felt nothing even slightly close to want or need for it!

This isn’t anything I would ever try just to be sure, it’s like celebrating your 25 years of sobriety with a ‘drink’ to me, but the universe gave me more than enough to prove that this demon no longer holds anything over me, my coin, my token, my 25 years anniversary.

I AM FREE! 

25 years ago when I quit hurting myself I turned to music, lyrics – for power. Most days now I look for happy … but when I look for power and inner strength …. probably not what you would assume! Enjoy ….

Some of my favourite things …

I wrote this over a year ago when most of you folks didn’t know I existed! LOL I’m not sure if it’s interesting or not but it does give you a glimpse of how I think and live. I’m a free spirit in general and don’t fit into any one category … and I like it that way! 😉 To me life is about finding joy in the moment and being the best I can be.

nijntje & The Bear

I am a very realistic and straight forward person but I am by no means pessimistic. I am mature and responsible and I don’t complain, I find solutions. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy the simple things in life, as a matter of fact I find that the simple things are the ones that make the biggest difference in your general well being and state of mind.

I don’t consider myself big or little or middle or whatever, I am just me. I like the feel of a soft stuffed toy and I can’t go by the toy section without feeling every one of them and determining which is the fluffiest! 😀 Normally that one gets picked up and nuzzled into my neck for a hug. This elicits a smirk for sure and normally an all out smile from Sir.

I like long socks with lots of colours…

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Domination comes in all sorts of styles, some stand the test of time!

I’ve been thinking about what makes you a leader/dominant and what is just fluff to be used when appropriate or wanted and to be discarded when life so dictates if necessary.

If you have read my blog for any amount of time you already know that I don’t think the focus and reality of this relationship is protocol or rules or contracts. They are a good start in most cases and can certainly add fun and excitement but they don’t make the relationship, at least I don’t think they should if you are looking for a long-term commitment to more than just play.

Life happens, accidents happen and people change and grow. If you are together often enough and long enough you will see many changes come and go, is it really likely that everything about your relationship will stay exactly the same? Is it realistic to assume that the ritual that makes you so excited right now will still be giving you butterflies after 20 years? Maybe it’s because I have more dominant tendencies than submissive ones that makes me see these things …. who knows.

The nuts and bolts about my relationship and why Sir is the dominant and I’m the submissive is the ultimate responsibility for the family/home at the end of the day. Regardless of how much I take on, on any given day and how busy things are all around us, regardless of rules and protocols written up nicely and regardless of spankings (which seems to be more of a kink and a release for most and not so much a punishment that is dreaded as it should be when put under the ‘punishment’ umbrella).

The fact is that no matter the level of kink or no kink when something happens that needs to be dealt with the last stop is and always will be with Sir. If it’s something that doesn’t need to make it that far to be handled then it doesn’t need to bother Him, BUT NEVER do I feel that I can’t come to and depend on Him. No matter how busy or how hectic things get in life the buck stops with Him. I can depend on it, and that’s why He’s my dominant and why no one else will do.

Kneeling is a great way for me to relax and feel I’m His and feel sexy, strutting around naked in only my cuffs and collar when home would be awesome (but would get me arrested at the moment), and let’s be honest being tied up and put on display for His pleasure is not humiliation or punishment, it’s a turn on! It makes us all feel wanted and sexy as h3ll, even if you are slightly uncomfortable, it is what it is ….

All of those things are fun and exciting but they are all just play. If your D/s (or whatever) starts to fall apart when you can’t do those things because time and family has made micro managed movements and spankings a distant memory than where does that leave you?

I for one want more, maybe I’m greedy but rules and protocols and spankings are just not enough. I want a relationship and connection that out lives all of that. I want to know that He has me regardless of titles and show, I want to know that I am truly His to watch over and care for …. no matter what!

Always invested, always connected, always His …… even when times are tough.

We were kinky at the start of our relationship, we were kinky in the middle and now 20 years later we are kinky again! The only time we ever struggled was when I wasn’t 100% certain that I could count on Him, no matter what that might look like at the time.  Actively listening to each other and always putting His needs first (and He mine) combined with an open heart, trust and honesty.

Sir is my dominant because He is the only one I’ve ever been able to count on, 100% no matter what. Life taught me from a young age not to trust or count on anyone but myself, He was and is the only one to break through that wall.

I don’t know what you call it and frankly I really don’t care, all I know is that at the end of it all when I’m dealing with the acrobatics of life HE is my safety net!

It might not look like your average Dom/sub picture but there is still One ultimately responsible. Happy Friday!

Love You Always Sir! ❤

 

… just what is it?

❤ Oh, what a good girl!

Said with animation and excitement with a touch of surprise.

The smile, the bright eyes and the joyful tone ….

ACE Profiles – acefitness.org

His pleasure was so obvious! Ah, those words …..

I just can’t get them out of my head, 18 hours later and counting …

Distracting, but pleasantly so – and not a hint of kink in site!

*THIS* is the why …..  what a happy life! 😀

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

Well, He tried ….

But the warrior was in full force! It causes an interesting dichotomy to be certain …

Pack Lycan Lone Wolf Blood claw

I am focused and although I’m generally ‘happy go lucky’ in demeanor I am very intense. Switching gears is something I can do instantly but only physically, like kneeling, because it is agreed upon. When it comes to emotionally, well I believe that is always want, mind over matter if you will, most of our feelings don’t make sense in a real sense but they are valid because we will them. But when it comes to mentally, I need a moment ….  I can still do it very quickly but a few minutes to get into the right head space certainly makes things run much more smoothly!

There have been things going on in life that cause me to rely on my warrior spirit and strength to see through, and I’m okay with that, I enjoy that, it really is not an issue but …. that type of mind space requires a few minutes to be shifted out of.

Sir decided last evening to indulge/surprise/take care of me with some ritualistic forms of submission. When things are quiet and we can fit these things in more often I can easily transition my mind from one head space to the other in an instant but lately however life has not afforded that luxury and rituals are few and far between when done by surprise! We still have our daily rituals but nothing has been thrown in on the fly in a long while, at least not without some communication before hand to allow me the few minutes to shift gears, …. but not last night.

As much as I appreciate the effort and recognize the intent the shift from ‘on’ to rest and relax was simply not made. I went through with what He asked because that is the way of things but I can’t say I was happy or excited about it as usual, I was annoyed to be frank. I had already planned ahead and was focused on ‘my’ tasks at hand and the surprise was more of a shocking bucket of cold water than a calming experience as it was intended.

I quickly started to refocus my attention and rationalized what His intent was and what He was doing it for but it only sent me to this train of thought where I concluded what was happening, why I should be appreciative and what we need to discuss once I was let free of my position. Because I didn’t get even the smallest ‘heads up’ to allow me to switch gears it actually caused my brain to move faster in planning and prepping not slow down as intended.

Communication – always key!

I can switch quickly Sir and I certainly don’t mean you should be telling me all your secrets and reasons but a quick, ‘I’m going to take care of what’s mine after the shower’ would have been enough to let me start changing gears and I would have actually relaxed into it instead of the opposite.

I still take a dominant role in all things in life except for with Sir, I require a few minutes to shift out of that head space when things are in high gear as they have been. Life currently requires me to make decisions and time to wait on His call is not always available, and I’m okay with that. We have found ways to still keep Him informed and if for some reason He wants to change it than we deal with that too although it is not usually the case. But I still have no ‘switch’ …… I need a moment.

So we talked afterwards, figured out what I needed for a better result and the rest of the evening was, hummm, much better! 😉

Love You Always Sir ❤