My Masochism

Pain- I think I *like* pain, I think I crave pain when things are difficult because when it comes to pain, I know what to expect.

I know what to prepare for, I know I can take it.

Maybe my submissive self is just a control freak! lol I know I am, no question there. *wink*

I can control everything, makes me a strange type of submissive, makes my post a few back a bit more sensical, if you have been paying attention. 😉

Anyway, you know what they say – when you’re going through hell ….. keep going!

many moons ago I sent this to a friend, here, when he could still partake. I sent it because I felt it to be a power song, a show of resilience, and that’s what i’m sending to myself now.

That, and this!!

Life is short, hug your family and tell those you love.

**** Bear just left to get back *home* and to life before he doubles back this coming Friday. In case you needed me to tell you the trigger for these posts!

back to the beginning, back to my roots. it leaves little room for submissive ideals – but i’m leaving the light on*wink*

the wolf has long been my animal – the rabbit my submissive side i think

i find i’m becoming more primal and more natural these days, music, primal and strength – that’s all i can give right now.

seems we have come full circle. at least my beginnings in such stark indifference and pain have now given me something to use, the strength for the energy towards healing my child.

i haven’t mentioned because it isn’t a thing i talk about in these parts and also because i fear i don’t really have energy or want to care BUT my father also has a surgery coming up, he has had cancer and treatment twice. he’s been in the same hospital we have – i can’t say i really care.

sounds awful i know but i played that game, for many years and all it did was cost me mentally and physically. once my boys came to be i decided that anything that took from them was not a price i was willing to pay – or put on them.

it is ironic however that the same thing we fight is the thing my father too fights, and my mother too worries on, and my schizophrenic brother too tells me about.

my life now has so many things that are truly ironic and just simply – insanely linked – and yet not! Anyone fighting connections to people that you should care for, or should care for you, and don’t – well you may know what I mean. I can normally not let this bad energy in, but right now with me being my strength and with D/s being not a thing within reach .. well – i’m going back to primal.

and I’m once again tapping into my inner wolf.

Strange bedfellows

I ride this strange line, a line between dominant and submissive.

My entire existence has two parts, two inseparable parts. It makes it very hard to find people to call friends, in the real sense. If you don’t know what I mean than you probably won’t get this post either.

I’m not one who dwells on social graces or what others think or might say as a way of being. I take then into account of course because they are worth noting, but they aren’t worth living for … sorry.

What I do find is that my want for this dynamic falls into trouble when I want to find ‘friends’ with which to talk to and commiserate with in the troubles or tribulations that my mind may be going through.

Not to be offending or shocking, but this is just me getting the cr@p out of my head that is necessary. Don’t compare yourself, you shouldn’t -be original, be you. This is not a ‘how to’ post. This is also not a commentary on my blog land friends, that’s not what this is about so please don’t take it personally. It is personal that’s true, but personal to me, no one else.

But, he’s back now and so instead of being submissive I need to once again take charge so … maybe continue this later, maybe not!?!?!

I have a story to tell about a time when a friend told me a story ..because I was in a similar state and needed a dom to domme talk, to sooth my submissive soul. Confused? lol that’s okay it was an interesting story about a cabin and the super natural. His story to tell not mine, but if there is a Kitty around these parts who reads, let him know that even now it helps!!

Point is I fit in no where, i never have and likely never will. For the most part I’m fine with that – really. But there are these few and far between fleeting moments when one might fancy a call … 😉

Rinse and repeat! More hospital stays and drama, ugh.

*long one* be forewarned.

So we’re here again! Two weeks after the last admittance and we are once again back, in the same room even! lol Almost think we should have just moved in ….

Some back story to the last few weeks:

W was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago on a Tuesday to our usual hospital for cancer treatment because his numbers/bloodwork was just horrible. He needed chemo and other products to get him back to stable and ready for Sick Kids in a few weeks for the CAR-T therapy. We did that, then went home the following Sunday afternoon.

Our doctor here had requested our family doctor back home take charge of the case and have blood work and transfusions done in our local hospital until it was time for Sick Kids. I was hesitant but it did offer much less travel and much more time at home for W and for us. He’s having a hard enough time physically so anything to ease the wait time was going to be great, right!??! lol

Yeah, no!

First off the Oncologist’s requests (and mine of course) for call back and set up of times and dates was never answered. I got a call from here telling me the appointments were being cancelled as they were to be handled in my home town. I said, no please don’t, keep the dates on schedule and I’ll call you back once we get booked here because frankly I’m afraid they won’t come through. Guess what, they didn’t!

Unfortunately, me thinking all was set and settled was silly enough to get in the shower. The phone rings, W takes the call and agrees to cancel the appointments since he is told that they are to be done at home. *PANIC TIME* I call back trying to get them reset and explain that I have yet to hear anything from my family doctor and he needs his transfusions on time. I’m afraid they will get missed …. so now nurses and practitioners are scrambling trying to get him set up again because those other times have now been filled for others. UGH!

This is now Tuesday afternoon, still no call back from our home doc …. I’ve left messages, the oncologists here left messages the Friday afternoon before! The practitioner working with our oncologist has phoned and left messages many times as well. *crickets*

Fortunately they do squeeze him back onto the schedule – that’s the Wednesday they realize how low his numbers are and he’s there all day with dad getting things stabilized again. In the meantime Dr. D’s clinic (oncologist) works with me to set up at least one more week of appointments in hopes of setting things straight here in our town by then.

FINALLY!! The damn family doctor calls back. It’s now been over a week since the specialists reached out, Apparently cancer and no immunity plus requiring stabilization for a major procedure in one of the best hospitals anywhere is just NOT ENOUGH to get his attention and response. With all those letters and names not getting responses, what chance do I have???

Explains why my chronic rare condition gets no help either, humm. But that’s for another day.

Anyway, finally we get a response, keeping myself patient and respectful, I take the calls, get the info and set appointments. Cancel with the regular oncologist and move forward. Monday we go for bloodwork, depending on results we will be back Tuesday for transfusions. Pretty much expected at this point, no biggie.

Monday we go in for 8 am. Monday by 10 am I get a call that the transfusion can’t wait, come in this afternoon, there is a 6 hour wait to get the blood products he needs but they are on the way. Okay, no problem we can do that … but wait, W has started with a nose bleed and heavy bruising again, that plus his blood counts … 4 calls later and much back and forth with the oncologist – my family doctor says we need to bring him in now. He must be isolated and we must stop the bleeding! YIKES, more panic, off we go.

To emergency he says, I’ll tell them the issue, go now! When we get there it’s packed, of course. All sorts with germs everywhere! I explain to the nurse, i explain to reception …. take a number! Umm, he needs to be isolated, she checks with the person behind the glass, take a number, I guess you can wait in the door way …. :O What Now???? Come again?

He has cancer, he has literally no white blood cells after chemo so no immunity, and no platelets so he won’t stop bleeding ….. plus the doctor told me to come here asap, that he would tell them he need to be isolated! … take a number….. *fumes*

50 minutes later, after moving him about in a wheel chair inside and outside trying to stay away from all the coughing and sneezing and germs, they finally call him in. His nose has been bleeding heavily this whole time. Lots more stupidity like this later they get him a bed in the ER.

No precautions really but at least there is a curtain, sort of closed up around us. W unfortunately over hears one talking to another saying that he’s just here with his mom, she babies him ….

Finally the family doctor shows up, all of a sudden he’s in full protective gear, triple masked, triple gloved etc and still keeps his distance because he doesn’t want to make W sick. I’m guessing our oncologist read him the riot act over the length of wait for his original call back so he finally gets the urgency. Some of the nurses though aren’t quite up to speed I don’t think. Pretty sure it was after that when W heard the comment :/

Big surprise, after hours in this mess W spikes a fever! I finally got his nose to stop bleeding but they didn’t let us leave despite my saying he would be better at home to wait for the needed products, safer. And now this …. shit hits the fan, I guess they finally realize I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

Two, yes two units of blood have been lost from mornings lab work to now. That is how much his nose was bleeding. Damn fools. The ER doctor didn’t quite believe it, many tests are ordered to try to figure out where else he may be bleeding from. Nothing, maybe she does believe now, anyway.

We go from the ER to the ICU, await blood from all over hells half acre … hours later, 4 more units of blood he needs to get stable! YUP totally babying him, yup totally fine to stay in the waiting area for close to an hour. For F*CK sakes!

The following day we are told he is getting transferred back to the usual hospital, they are better able to treat him and ‘home’ doesn’t have the knowledge or resources. The first part I could have attested too earlier! So here we are again.

Been here since Tuesday, we decided to drive him here ourselves and get released from one hospital without waiting for transport. We would have just been stuck in the ICU with all the other sick people until likely midnight or longer. Not a waste of time we wanted, or risk for that matter. We wnet home, grabbed a few things and were admitted here by 6:30, we had left the other at 4:45, not bad turn around if I do say so myself. The trip itself is almost 1 1/2 hours.

It’s Thursday now, we should hopefully be on the way back home Friday afternoon. You’ll never guess what, they want follow ups done here, not in our home town ….. 😛

At least here he is safe! Got word tentatively that we will be going to Sick Kids next week anyway. Scary and exciting at the same time. The procedure is dangerous and the first 2 weeks after will likely look very scary I’m told but that should then change for the better and the rest of the stay for follow ups there will be as outpatient, set up in our own private little apartment close to the hospital.

*exhale* long post I know, lots of stuff not even covered but here are the highlights.

Till next time … be well! ❤

I take offense …..

See, I’ve always been steady in my way of thinking but until now maybe … not had the preverbal fire under my arse?? lol I don’t know why now exactly I just know it works for me, so seems if you want to read this blog you get to bear witness!

I have for some time had a problem with people who think that ‘vanilla’ can’t be as committed, as strong, as connected – as D/s, M/s BDSM etc etc.

I was never in a dynamic, in the community, in the ‘know’ of all these letters before but what I can tell you is I have always been intense! Intense in my relationships, romantic or otherwise.

I take issue with the idea that because a person or persons don’t identify as kinky, that means the depth of commitment and communication is not there. That is simply not true, not in my experience.

Maybe it’s my European roots, but all we do is full of passion and energy, commitment and trust. That’s what makes us, what makes us live and what makes us die … it’s that engrained. So how much more can you get? How much more connected can you be?

Cuz to be honest I haven’t yet found another connection more than this, and I have been around these D/s parts for a while now … just saying. There is a reason why Latin music is so damn energizing and sensual. Maybe it’s the sexy beat?!?! lol

Of lessons learned.

Since I’m sitting here on my own again, sleeping ‘alone’ again and waiting til the next doctor comes calling or the next time W needs something, I find my mind wandering.

Despite all the twists and turns of our current journey we have still tried to keep up with some of the comforting things we use in our kinky lives. My health issues will often complicate that too … oh joy! Regardless, we often try to revisit things of the past and try to implement them once more, sometimes tweaked and sometimes just try again.

A collar at bed time is one of those things. Bear has a leather collar he likes to use for bedtime and my bunny chain 24/7. My condition will often make it so that I can not regulate my body temperature and I find that even something as small as a collar will cause me to overheat. Last summer it had to come off because I was spending too many hours as a furnace and not sleeping. To be honest I overheat so much that even Bear was being kept awake! Humm,maybe that was 2 summers ago! Yikes!

Anyway, recently after having returned home from the hospital stay Bear decided to start using the collar again, for as long as we could this time. It’s not yet summer weather here so it was a good time to try. That and our minds could really use something calming to focus on at bed time.

We used it for a short while with no real issues but one night I seemed to be having a hard time breathing. Something was making me cough and it felt like my breathing was being restricted. Guess what? It was!

Bear decided that it was time to remove the collar and figure out the details in the morning after a good night sleep, his hope was that it was the collar and not some other issue causing me to choke and gasp for air. I didn’t like it but in the middle of the night, in the dark as he tried to remove the collar it seemed to somehow be stuck. I mentioned I could try since I could feel the where and what and be sure not to make it worse. He agreed and I soon figured out that the rabbit choker had somehow wrapped up and around the leather buckle and end flap … it was twisting in such a way that it was literally strangling me!

Now that was a first!! We’ve had an issue in the past with just a linked chain and that quickly became a no-no for bed or any other unsupervised wear but never with this! Anyway, it was removed and the next day bedtime came and went without much fuss. The rabbit is always on, that is the main ‘collar’ of choice for Bear, that and my cuffs that never leave my body.

I was a bit confused and a bit unsettled I guess you could say, that he hadn’t chosen to try again or try something else. We do have a few options for collars that we have played with along the years. I had hoped he would pick one, but he hadn’t.

The next night came and it was the same scenario. And the next … I half thought about saying something, questioning him BUT I didn’t. Not because he doesn’t like it, he’s never once not answered all my questions and concerns, but because something in me told me I didn’t need to. I shouldn’t really because I figured he would do whatever he felt was best and tell me in his own time.

A few days later when once again getting ready for bed, he undressed me as he always does but before tucking me into bed he brought out a brand new collar he had found. It is black and rounded. A very small profile compared to the others with no hooks or D rings to snag a sleeping rabbit! *smiles*

I am rather proud of myself for not pressing and pushing before he was ready to handle the situation. With all the other stressors in our lives right now it would have been easy to fall into that mindset of pushing and pressing the issues that I want dealt with instead of letting him lead the way.

I’m much happier in this case than I would have been if I pressed him on it anyway. Now, if I can just get back home to wait for him to place it on me again …. *smiles*

Take 2 – and Cookie Monster!

Here I am once again writing to you from a hospital room. Well that’s not true I haven’t written from here before, just filled you in on the details afterwards. This time I just decided to do it now, put it down on ‘paper’ so the thoughts get out of my head. Otherwise, they roll around and around until they sear themselves into my brain.

The appointment that was meant to be chemo and home again has turned into another admission. The Leukemia has relapsed quite significantly and so heavier chemo and inpatient treatment is needed. It should be somewhere between 4 and 7 days this time.

Needless to say I have quit work again, Bear is still going to his job since there really isn’t much he can do here anyway. Plus – we got a puppy! Bad timing I know but at the time we thought we were done with inpatient stuff and W needed a distraction. She’s a quick one, learns fast and is getting better at listening as well. I normally do the dog training but I think Bear has a good handle on it this time. 🙂 Trial run for our 6 week stay at ‘Sick Kids’ I guess.

I don’t think I’ll see him tonight, he’s running on empty with the long day of admission and late night of settling W in just as much as I. I mentioned it may be best to just go home after work today and he could come up to see us on Friday. His shifts Friday’s are only half days and leave much more time for a visit and family dinner etc. He’s off the weekends anyway and we can figure out Monday when Monday comes.

I also had to get W out of school once more. This poor kid has had such a battle to try to get graduated and now he’s too weak and too much ‘away’ to be able to get the work in. He only has 2 courses left and less then 2 months of classes. Talk about a kick in the @ss!

We’ll figure that out once the time comes I’m sure.

On a lighter note, one thing that brought the first smile to my face after discovering all this keeps popping back into my head. I thought I’d share it with you, it was on one of the trips back to the hospital on the highway.

I like to watch out the window while Bear does the driving. As I’m checking out the semitrucks which have always been a favourite, I spotted one with a silly, fun picture of Cookie Monster on the side. I guess the driver must identify with the character! I almost jumped out of my seat I swear, and pointed and smiled and showed Bear …. and I noticed that the driver saw me too. Much to his amusement I’m sure! lol He smiled a big ‘ole grin back and waved.

It made my day and it reminded me of an old friend as well. Cookie Monster has been a favourite for a very long time, and I happened to meet one on here some time ago as well. I never did see him again in the many trips we’ve made on the same stretch of road. So …. If you’re out there my friend, be it online CM or the trucker that smiled kindly back at me – Hello! 🙂

See you all soon again.