**Clearing my head, you might want to skip this one.**
A couple of years ago when we were enjoying our kinky D/s connection everything seemed like sunshine. We played, a lot, and we were both always in the best of moods. There wasn’t much that phased us …. maybe it should have.
A few years ago during all of this kinkiness I was spending a lot of time actively submitting and thinking and prepping and encouraging etc. If things started to slow down I’d ‘up my game’. Once I did I always had a willing partner in crime.
I was spending enough energy on this that other things were starting to slide. The boys were not getting as much of my attention and things went sideways, very sideways.
Eventually my attentions were split between trying to be this submissive minx, and the kick ass mama Bear. That worked for a little while but switching gears got more complicated as the boys needed more and more of my attention and brain.
Eventually the overtly active submissive actions became less, at least less if there was no encouraging from the other side. I wrote in the beginning of December that I was ready to get back to myself. I needed to tap back into my natural strength and stop running at half strength because it was exhausting and getting me no where fast with the rest of life.
I carry a good amount of guilt over where the boys are now in their lives and how much of this went unnoticed because I was spending so much time and attention on my kink, and not on them! It’s part of my dominant personality, I don’t make excuses and I’m not about to now. I f*cked up, I should have spent less time on this D/s crap and more on them. I didn’t …
I put the dominance of kink and sex into the lap of the Bear and I have left it there. I’m doing my thing and taking care of business as I have to. It’s my job, it’s my responsibility and their lives does not come second to my kink.
Enter the ‘chastity’ issue that I talked about yesterday. It’s not purposeful but it’s more or less the same and so is the result. I don’t feel sexy or kinky or sexually submissive and I haven’t enough energy reserves to focus on that right now. It is not the priority and I will not f*ck up for the boys again.
I’m more than happy and willing to join in but the energy needs to come from somewhere other than me right now.
Right now I have no energy left for this, right now I’m already stretched to capacity.