Once upon a time …

**Clearing my head, you might want to skip this one.**

A couple of years ago when we were enjoying our kinky D/s connection everything seemed like sunshine. We played, a lot, and we were both always in the best of moods. There wasn’t much that phased us …. maybe it should have.

A few years ago during all of this kinkiness I was spending a lot of time actively submitting and thinking and prepping and encouraging etc. If things started to slow down I’d ‘up my game’. Once I did I always had a willing partner in crime.

I was spending enough energy on this that other things were starting to slide. The boys were not getting as much of my attention and things went sideways, very sideways.

Eventually my attentions were split between trying to be this submissive minx, and the kick ass mama Bear. That worked for a little while but switching gears got more complicated as the boys needed more and more of my attention and brain.

Eventually the overtly active submissive actions became less, at least less if there was no encouraging from the other side. I wrote in the beginning of December that I was ready to get back to myself. I needed to tap back into my natural strength and stop running at half strength because it was exhausting and getting me no where fast with the rest of life.

I carry a good amount of guilt over where the boys are now in their lives and how much of this went unnoticed because I was spending so much time and attention on my kink, and not on them! It’s part of my dominant personality, I don’t make excuses and I’m not about to now. I f*cked up, I should have spent less time on this D/s crap and more on them. I didn’t …

I put the dominance of kink and sex into the lap of the Bear and I have left it there. I’m doing my thing and taking care of business as I have to. It’s my job, it’s my responsibility and their lives does not come second to my kink.

Enter the ‘chastity’ issue that I talked about yesterday. It’s not purposeful but it’s more or less the same and so is the result. I don’t feel sexy or kinky or sexually submissive and I haven’t enough energy reserves to focus on that right now. It is not the priority and I will not f*ck up for the boys again.

I’m more than happy and willing to join in but the energy needs to come from somewhere other than me right now.

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Right now I have no energy left for this, right now I’m already stretched to capacity.

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I know it shouldn’t but ….

I’ll be the first to tell you that my own self worth and sexual confidence should have nothing to do with what anyone thinks or says but me. I believe that too, it’s not just words, it’s the truth, however …

You can’t deny that having someone else interested and invested in being with you and playing with you and exploring every inch of your body helps in that confidence and sexual pride. D/s in sex and BDSM where time and energy is spent on play and ‘torment’ and simply causing actions and reactions from the person under your control goes a long way to make that person feel completely worth your time and sexy as h3ll!

When He takes the time to plan and play this is what I feel like without much thought or effort …

As a married person I don’t have the luxury of getting that type of recognition else where. That means that all of that type of encouragement comes from one place, my husband. Whether its sexy, playful teasing and flirting or a full contact ‘sport’, all of it comes from Him. When it seems i’m not worth the effort this is what i’m left feeling …

Sorry about the graphics folks, not really my usual methods but I think it gets the point across.

I’m a perfectionist to begin with which means nothing I do is ever quite good enough anyway but when I get into these ruts I start to really nit pick and pull apart every inch of my body. The smallest mark or change is enough to hijack my brain for days or more.

I don’t feel sexy, I don’t move sexy and I don’t act sexy. Under the current state of all other affairs, it’s not helping!

It is just kink and sex and it really shouldn’t be that important BUT unfortunately as part of the ‘human condition’ certain things are simply beyond my control. This side effect is unfortunately one of those things.

 

 

The old switcheroo and I was right ….

I’m not entirely sure what this post is going to end up like, I normally save this kind of ‘brain down load’ for else where but I think this one might involve some kink and sex issues so it’s probably best here.

First off, Sunday night was a bust. It did not go well and He did just what I expected, nothing. After so long of ‘nothing’ I’m not entirely sure I want anything, truthfully.

A while ago i wrote about chastity and it not being a thing for me, well i was right. I haven’t had any ‘fun’ for myself in quite some time, i find i’m not really sure i care to right now. i find myself less and less turned on all the time, being touched doesn’t have the same effect on me as it did before. When things are ‘right’ the simplest of touches gets me just about over the top, now, well now i don’t seem to be reacting physically or mentally in any sort of sexual way. i’m getting to the point that i’m just pushing it out of my head and not even craving much of anything ….

The impact play, kink and spankings are all a thing of the past and i’m finding myself less and less drawn to it all the time. Out of sight out of mind as they say. i’ve had half a mind to simply empty the kink drawers and throw the whole lot away!

i know things are stressful and time is at a premium but there are things that could be done, and none of it is happening. None of it happens unless I start it, so what’s the point?

Everything in life is still the same, when it comes to daily things and over all strength He still takes the lead but sex …. well, honestly, it sucks! It’s not about me, it’s not about exploring my body and seeing what makes it tick. Frankly, it’s not satisfying …

The switcheroo? The kids have switched places, the youngest is now in school, half day anyhow, and the oldest has once again been pushed out. I’m not about to let him sleep all day so I get him up in the morning anyway. The result? No free time for me, no alone time, no privacy. I only get 2 days a week to play with now as it is but that has been taken away. Last fall i decided to take 6 months off to take care of me, i ended up getting a couple of weeks of 3 days to myself between 9 and 2. That’s all ….

The plan was to work on my physical health, take care of well over due doctors appointments, get back to working out and building strength (however much i can) and to play ‘make believe’ during the day where i could be His little submissive girl, waiting and responding to His every beck and call. A mental ‘break’ from the everyday. None of that happened …

Our kinky time is less and less, i’m not sure He’s much interested in it either. He certainly doesn’t make it a point to try and work on. i’m a pragmatic person, if there is no chance of something happening i’m not setting my sights on it just to be disappointed. For starters that’s simply not the way i work, i’m not an emotionally driven person. Secondly, the rest of life is so full of issues to be dealt with that stressing over a fantasy is simply a waste of time and effort. A waste that I can not afford.

To just add to the pile and put it over the top, my night sweats are back. Sleeping has always been an issue for me but now even if I do get to sleep i get woken up in a puddle of sweat or simply over heating. Do you know what lack of sleep does to a person? It’s not good.

Physical pain (not play related), night sweats, lack of sleep and no spankings or impact play to alleviate stress. No orgasms and no fun sex. Not cuffs or leashes and even the kinky ‘rules’ we had seem to be on hold. A ‘sexual submissive’, at this time I am not ….

I find myself getting short with the oldest, i do catch myself but i don’t like it. I also find my silly, fun and goofy side has taken a back seat, it’s all business, all the time.

Perhaps I should finally stop dragging my feet and take up kick boxing …. I have wanted to for some time but we had found other things to calm the savage beast that lives inside! *wink*

Whatever it takes …. because i love the adrenaline in my veins!

Mental Meltdown

It appears I’m full of verb-ology today! LOL

Today has been one of those days, one of those days that I creep deep into my head and stay there.

I’ve done everything I’m supposed to do, I’ve politely asked for exemptions for things I couldn’t do and everything has been ‘even’ and up to snuff and I honestly don’t give 2 sh*ts about any of it. I’m not happy or sad, I’m not submissive or rebellious, I’m just not anything. I don’t really care.

My normal emotional state is monotone …. having ‘feelings’ is work.

I’m not upset or worried about it, I’ll be back tomorrow! Probably, maybe …

 

Submissive request

**¬†I keep saying we talk all the time, I keep saying our communication is part of what keeps this afloat even when things get hectic, I keep saying that it’s the truth of our connection. So I thought I’d show you …¬†**

EMS – I think I need your assistance and guidance in something. This morning’s first post and subsequent happenings have brought some things to my mind. Some things that are obvious and in need of attention for me!

  • The fact that the tasks you leave help me in my mind and stress levels is known.
  • The fact that I can’t reach that state when I am not alone at home is known.
  • The fact that alone days are not likely any time soon seems to be very apparent now.
  • I believe I am at a point in my brain that I either need to get the job done properly, or I need to stop ‘needing’ it.

I believe that having you assign these things when you are home might be the answer. I know that it will take away from Your time but I feel it will be significantly helpful for me.

10 or 15 minutes during the day when I am alone works wonders, the problem is that when the boys are home or I am expecting a call to handle a situation, I can’t let my mind be Yours completely for any amount of time.

My thoughts are that if I can get those 10/15 minutes alone when you are home than my brain knows you are here to handle any situation and I can finally  relax into whatever task you have left for me.

I know this takes away from Your time but I feel it wouldn’t take much time at all and I think the over all effect would be pleasing and helpful for both of us. Perhaps we could try it this way when my day time plans fail and we can see how it works after a week or so?

**I don’t imagine the Bear will give His full answer on here, but I know He will take it seriously and answer.

No, my words aren’t done in some strange cadence and don’t make Him out to be full of pomp and circumstance, they are just words, English, but they work.**

‘Strange space’

Forget ‘subspace’ that comes easily when the Bear and I play, I fall quickly when He’s in the right mind space Himself. It’s like my inner sub is just waiting to be claimed and guided, ready to follow and relax into that mind space that allows everything else to just fall away. That is a space I find respite in and fairly easy to get into. That is not what I’m in right now, or have been lately …

As I’ve mentioned before, the house is never our own, my own even. It never fails, or almost never, that at least one of the boys stays home from school. This time it’s the oldest most days. This causes my brain to be ‘on’ in a dominant, problem solving fashion and it really doesn’t shut off no matter what I am doing.

One of the things the Bear does to try to keep me in a comfortable place in my head and make it easier to change gears when He comes home is to give me certain tasks to complete for Him. Some of them are of such a nature that they really should bring me into that ‘submissive mindset’ quite easily but I find that having someone here in the house causes my head to drift between the everyday warrior and His submissive bunny, over and over again.

I can’t ‘shut off’ my responsibilities no matter what I’m doing or why, not when I’m the only responsible party in the house at the time. This leaves me in a ‘strange space’ hopping between submissive and calm, and on alert just in case …..

Once in a blue moon when both boys make it to school I find myself able to fall deep into that calming state, but lately it’s just a very strange place to try to reconcile.

…. and on that note, the oldest is still up in his bed and the youngest just came home throwing up ….

I have tasks left for me today, even some that were supposed to be kinky fun ….. so how far into subspace do you suppose I’ll get? *sigh*

 

First time in a while …. :D

I don’t watch much TV but the Walking Dead is coming back on this weekend and I for one am very excited. Before you ask, no I don’t watch the show! *giggle*

The boys watch the show and they make an evening of it by going over to Gramma’s house for pop and popcorn and some family watching time! Right now everyone seems mentally stable enough to make the evening so I am getting very excited to have a few minutes, ALONE with the Bear!!

I’m trying not to get too many ideas hopping through this little rabbit brain of mine because I really don’t want to set up some fantasy that is bound to fail BUT ……

We haven’t had a minute alone since last November, quite literally.

Deep breaths ….

Slow the brain ….

Don’t get too caught up on expectations …..

Ohmmmmm …..

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Content

I can always tell when my mind is in a good, steady place. I don’t mean ‘happy’ or excited, or with new and dramatic things going on. I don’t mean happy-go-lucky which can change in a heart beat depending on who you are and how you work, I mean content …. at peace, calm and steady no matter what is happening around me.

I’m a planner, I like to know where I am headed and how I plan to get there. Whether it’s my choice or someone else’s doesn’t really matter, if I have confidence in and can respect the other person than I am still in a steady and content place.

How do I know? Well it’s simple really, and kind of a let down if you are expecting a great revelation … I know when I am at peace because I do what I love to do, I cook. I cook, and I plan meals, and I pair wine, and I make meal plans that go on for weeks ….. we have so much prepared food in the house that even with the Bear taking home-made for lunch every day we still end up with no room in the refrigerator.

This would be when the Bear needs to get all Domly on my backside and say ‘no more cooking, today we do leftovers, we need to make room …’ LoL

What about you guys? Do you have a simple ‘tell tail’ (giggle, anyone??) that says you are content??

Yes life is still crazy, but it’s also short and not to be taken for granted or too seriously. *wink*