Oh, for F’s sakes!!

Remember that week i said i might have??? The one to be nijntje??

Well just now found out that my uncle had a stroke yesterday …. he should hopefully be ok.

Also, his daughter, my niece, has a growth on the back of her neck and now she can’t see out of one eye.

She’s been out of country for some time, i guess she’s back!!

*wry laughter* so much for my week …. ! 😛

Caught up?

Things are more or less handled at the moment, at least until next week!

The youngest is in exams now, his schedule for next semester is finally set. I still need to write a note to his new teachers and give them the important information but that should wait until February. That’s when they start fresh!

A new doctor for W has been found and this one is much more reasonable. *sigh* The one we/i was supposed to get in November baled. Apparently they are sending out a letter to inform us (all the patients that were on the waiting list). I have yet to see one ….

The oldest is finally doing well, getting his diploma and actually learning!! surrounded by people and teachers who treat him fairly and show respect. Imagine that …. about damn time.

10 days on FB and I am working pretty much at capacity again. My body hates me for it but my bank account doesn’t! LoL I hate debt, of any sort ….. i’ll sleep better in pain than in debt and obsessing!

It started with the furnace and just progressed, thing after thing within a month and a half and all of a sudden we went from all paid up to almost $10 000 of things to replace. I have no intention of going into my savings so work it is!

My baby brother, who has just recently come back into my life, has been taken advantage of by family but I have convinced him to meet with my financial adviser. I think he learned a few things and opened up his mind to a few new ideas for his future. The man i work with is very kind and has a great heart for helping where and who he can. He has offered to provide his services to L free of charge regardless of whether or not he moves his money. People like that are hard to find. I want to give him credit, even if he will never know it! 😉

L is schizophrenic …. he can use all the help he can get. You’d be surprised how many people have no trouble taking advantage.

So, it’s been a busy couple of months, with holidays and things breaking down, appointments and emails. Advocating and stress managing, fact finding and scheduling, coordinating and pushing forward.

If i’m lucky i have about a week of calm before the next storm.

Once again i find myself in a position that maybe, just maybe I can lay down sword and shield. For just a little while the warrior can rest.

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Perhaps, if i’m lucky, i can switch gears and just be nijntje for a while.

I guess we’ll soon find out. Happy Friday ❤

 

Today’s mood

My life always sets me in a leadership role. I’ve been busy managing and advocating and helping etc. etc.

Things have happened, changed and now i find myself working full time again. My body doesn’t care for that, it has very quickly reminded me why i had cut back in the first place! *chuckle*

But, life goes on doesn’t it? Time and energy wiped away and the kinky adventures have to wait.

The house is still never our own and now the idea of Bear taking a day off work here and there so that we can enjoy ourselves and ‘play’ has been set aside as well. With me working everyday, there is no opportunity to be grasped. Not that He has shown much interest in all things D/s lately anyway.

It’s still there of course, in the background waiting to come out.  It never shows itself unless there is a major issue which of course with me …. there never is.

Stolen moments are just that, moments …. no more than just a few minutes in time. Just not really enough to sustain this rabbit.

So ‘someday’

Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when
(You’re the only one who knows that)
Someday, somehow
I’m gonna make it all right but not right now
I know you’re wondering when

I call Bull Sh*t!

They say submission takes strength but many times in my travels i see submissives taking the blame for things and beating themselves up over things that their dom’s didn’t like.

The dom on the other hand runs around doing whatever they want, not listening, not asking and certainly (in my opinion anyway) not caring for the submissive in the way they need. In the way that was agreed upon. When things don’t go right they say it’s because the submissive isn’t trying hard enough.

When the submissive steps outside of what the dom is comfortable with and tries to find their own peace, however that might be, the dom then decides ‘their’ feelings have been hurt and that it’s the ‘worst thing ever in the world, how could you’?

In my dominant life I know one thing, IF I am taking care of things the way they need to be taken care of, NO ONE needs to go look elsewhere. Does this mean I’m perfect in my dealings? No. But I do take on the responsibility of failure and do my best to fix it.

I respect the people who look up to me and depend on me, and I ask for their opinion. Who the h3ll else knows them and their situation better then they?

I might not be interested in BDSM domination but I am dominant in the rest of life. So if a ‘dom’ can’t take responsibility or makes you more miserable then happy in life and causes you to question yourself over and over than I call Bull Sh*t!

That’s why they say submission takes strength. One of those strengths is to stand up for yourself.

 

 

i thought i wanted to become D/s …

In the beginning of all this excitement and whirlwind of a journey i thought i wanted to become D/s. i know now that it’s not true!

‘Becoming’ something to me sounds like you are moving in the direction of something that has been predetermined in space and time. Something that has parameters and rules, ways of being.

i’ve always been an ‘outside the box’ sort of person. Trying to fit into something that wasn’t of my mind or soul simply doesn’t work for me. The entire thing feels like putting on a show. That is not who i am.

Trying to ‘be D/s’ always seemed to lead to let downs and frustrations because it simply didn’t work in our life, in our time and schedule etc. It was someone else’s version of how life should be you see, it works for them and where they are in life but you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, can you?? not very well.

So some years ago i decided i no longer wanted to ‘become D/s’, instead i decided that D/s could become part of us! It was no longer about following a set schedule or ways of doing things. It was no longer about chasing a feeling and/or maintaining a mind space.

No more, shoulda, coulda, woulda ….

I think there is a real difference between doing this with someone you live with 24/7 and doing this with someone outside of your home/life.

To me it’s the difference between dating and married. Not trying to be offensive to anyone, just trying for simplicity.

When you go on a date you are ready, you are prepared, you are focused and you are planning on giving your date all of your attention. You dress to impress and you have already prepared yourself mentally for that time together, whatever it is you’re doing. In this case BDSM or D/s activities. If for some reason you are not prepared you cancel or postpone.

When you are married/live together however there is not usually a division between getting stuff done and preparing to be Dom or sub. Yes you can set time aside for these things, plan date nights etc. but truthfully, life tends to grab a hold of a lot of that time and energy. You share all aspects of life which means you are both stressed or overwhelmed AT THE SAME TIME!

A live in partner sees all of you, 24/7, not just your best foot forward like when you are dating, like when you are mentally and physically prepared to be together.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a great amount of connection and closeness/knowledge of your partner in those relationships, i’m just saying that the depth of it all is still different. There are things that come up when you are 24/7 in the same space that just don’t happen when you are not.

We called it rose coloured glasses …. to me that’s what ‘becoming D/s‘ felt like. There was no room for a Master who just wasn’t feeling it today and couldn’t find the energy to Dom.  The idea that i didn’t feel ‘submissive’ today meant that something must be wrong or maybe it wasn’t for me after all …. or worse, we ‘lost it‘.

Even in a 24/7 relationship you go through different thoughts, feelings and emotions. It’s called life.

So no, we didn’t become 24/7 D/s …. it simply became part of us. That differentiation was freeing to me!

 

 

Not exactly what it seems, this D/s.

I’ve been a bit flustered as of late. I think that’s probably the best descriptor. Some of it in the previous post and some of it here as well. Some of it i haven’t even begun to put down in writing.

There is a lot going on in my mind right now but ‘submissive’ is not really something on the forefront. Not in the kinky, posturing sort of way anyhow. The more frustrated I get the more stupid little things irritate me. Things He does make me grit my teeth and bite my tongue …. and not so much because of D/s but more because I know it’s not right.

I think when you get into a 24/7 D/s relationship it really isn’t all that different from any other committed relationship for the most part. We’re not kinking it up 24/7, as nice as it may sound it is simply not possible.

We are parents first and foremost, the kids need our time and attention. Next is jobs of course, and then pets …. time, money, emotional struggles both ours or someone close. All of that doesn’t go away because you adopt D/s as a lifestyle. Not when you live together!

But the D/s shouldn’t go away either, just because of ‘life’ stuff, because that stuff will always be there.

So I texted Him and told Him that I didn’t want any ‘kinky stuff’ today. The things that usually keep me thinking of Him and us in that way are today just an irritation. My body is not having any of it and my mind is ready to spin out of control.

He agreed …

He is still He and i am still me but today i need to keep it low key, for my own peace. Sometimes peace comes inside D/s and sometimes it comes from outside in a manner of speaking.

Today i just need to STOP.

He doesn’t point fingers, complain or blame. He stays and holds things steady, He waits for me to be ready. He supports and He watches. And when the time is right He starts again.

That’s what makes Him a dominant, not the ropes ….. *wink*

Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday!?!?! UGH

 

You try not to stress, but life doesn’t seem to get the memo!

We were hoping to get an hour to ourselves Friday afternoon, you know an hour where we could actually make some noise! Well the youngest is having a bit of a hard time lately and decided he wasn’t going to school Friday afternoon after all!

His mental health is important, no doubt about that, but doing certain things is important for MY mental health too. And the Bear …. it’s not just about being kinky, it’s about managing stress as well.

The truck also needed to be looked at again, it was leaking fluid. Ends up it’s the transmission … so yeah $$$$$

The washer decided it has finally had enough, new one should be here today .. $$$$$

The car needs back brakes …. $$$$$

The oldest is finally back in school but not yet in college so funds we put aside are not yet accessible BUT he spends most of his time at his GF’s so we pay for groceries off and on …. $$$$$

Everyone around here is having a hard time so half of the families i did work with/for are off, which means my income has dropped again. I was already at 75% lower than i should be …. so more lost $$$$$

All of this in the past 30 days.

Oh, and let’s not forget Christmas!

So yeah, those 50 minutes or so are important once a week.

 

 

Today’s mood – Forget Santa, give the world a gift yourself <3

It’s funny that the more things change and evolve the more backwards we become as a society.

Is it really true that some things will never change? I certainly hope not …. but we have been singing about this for a very long time!

“Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart”

Do you know your part? It’s the only way things will change.

CLOSER TO THE HEART

AVAILABLE ON A FAREWELL TO KINGS

Music: Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson
Lyrics: Neil Peart and Peter Talbot

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the Heart

The Blacksmith and the Artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the Heart

Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart

You can be the Captain
I will draw the Chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the Heart

D/s and Nietzsche pt. 2 – My Dominant

Since i mused from my ‘side’ of the slash on how things seem to match up with the progression of self, i thought i’d do the same for what i see happening/ed in the bear!

When i met the Bear i knew right away that He was someone i could count on, but He was young as was i and we both still had much growing and maturing to do. He was very much in the camel stage of life, doing and working and not really one to turn others away, at any cost.

I was probably already starting to turn to the lion but children came along and then ‘mom’ took over, everything else really does fade into the background, doesn’t it? It’s a very good time to have a camel by your side, to help carry the load, … and help He did! *smiles*

As time went on and children grew my lion stage came into full force, picking up from where it had left off in my teens years, always fighting the good fight! This is where eventually the Bear got lost i would say, where He started to fade into the background and one reason why D/s was very good for us.

Through the conversations, tears and screams of making this dynamic work, Bear has become much more the lion. Not just at home but in life. The confidence and strength it takes for a person to stand on their own and do what’s right has grown inside and it shows through very clearly these days. At home, at work, with friends and relatives. I think all can see it now.

As i mentioned in the previous post, this has allowed me to grow into the child stage. (Sounds funny doesn’t it? Grow into a child? *giggle*)

For the record, the ‘child’ that i call Bear, the part that compliments the bunny, peeks through on a very regular basis! *wink*  Makes sense i suppose, since the rabbit never seems to run out of energy! *raspberries*

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(That’s the Energizer bunny, in case you’ve been under a rock! not my creation )

Of Nietzsche, BDSM and lil’Rabbits!

I’ve been reading Friedrich Nietzsche and life is affording me some time to explore and play with my kinky side and so i’ve been musing.

Early into “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, Nietzsche has his character go into a monologue about the different incarnations of self … more or less. This concept hasn’t left me since reading about the camel, the lion and the child. So many of the visuals used are the very same as the ones i have used throughout my life, and stages too! Reading it has been like ‘coming home’ in a sense, … but onward! *chuckle*

I’m not going into great detail from the book, i know you can all read it for yourselves if you chose, no need for me to ramble on. I am going to muse on how i see it being so in line with my experience of life so far.  😀 And, how it ties into my D/s relationship.

The camel being the first stage, the stage where you carry the load of life, do what’s expected and carry on without much thought or worry of self. You take on the challenges around you and deal with whatever crap gets thrown your way, in my case anyway!

Next stage is the lion, the stage of strength and determination. Where you fight the good fight, find your truth and inner strength and learn how to stand on your own two feet, say ‘NO’ when it’s appropriate, fight your dragon! *smirk* yup, he said that! (Some of you might find this as amusing as i do if you’ve followed a while!)

The next and final stage, the child. The child is important and more powerful than the other two but can not come to be without the others first. The child can make everything fresh and new, “is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred ‘Yes’.” The thought finishes with, “the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world.”

This is all very simple paraphrasing and the story goes on much further and deeper.

What i know is the it matches nicely with the stages of life i have been through and the ‘child’ fits well into what D/s has helped me accomplish. Now i’ve said before that i am not ‘little’, i don’t have a regression or age i like to slip into. I do however have my lil’Rabbit, my bunny.

When all is right with my world i easily find myself in an innocent feeling space. It’s an energy that comes naturally and feels fresh and new and allows for new experiences and new memories to be made. Forgiveness perhaps, acceptance definitely and a weightless way of being, of living without fear, shame or worry.

Now just because ‘bunny’ (Nietzsche’s child) is innocent and ‘light’ doesn’t mean it’s not powerful, because you see it has carried the weight of the camel and faught the fight of the lion. It knows it’s own worth and capabilities and has grown beyond even that, to be strong enough to let it all go and ‘live’.

This part of life i don’t know if i would have been able to achieve without first having the safety of knowing that if i let it all go i was doing it in the safety of having Him watch over me. It came to be from the security of His dominance.

So yeah, just musing on a Monday!