Rinse and repeat! More hospital stays and drama, ugh.

*long one* be forewarned.

So we’re here again! Two weeks after the last admittance and we are once again back, in the same room even! lol Almost think we should have just moved in ….

Some back story to the last few weeks:

W was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago on a Tuesday to our usual hospital for cancer treatment because his numbers/bloodwork was just horrible. He needed chemo and other products to get him back to stable and ready for Sick Kids in a few weeks for the CAR-T therapy. We did that, then went home the following Sunday afternoon.

Our doctor here had requested our family doctor back home take charge of the case and have blood work and transfusions done in our local hospital until it was time for Sick Kids. I was hesitant but it did offer much less travel and much more time at home for W and for us. He’s having a hard enough time physically so anything to ease the wait time was going to be great, right!??! lol

Yeah, no!

First off the Oncologist’s requests (and mine of course) for call back and set up of times and dates was never answered. I got a call from here telling me the appointments were being cancelled as they were to be handled in my home town. I said, no please don’t, keep the dates on schedule and I’ll call you back once we get booked here because frankly I’m afraid they won’t come through. Guess what, they didn’t!

Unfortunately, me thinking all was set and settled was silly enough to get in the shower. The phone rings, W takes the call and agrees to cancel the appointments since he is told that they are to be done at home. *PANIC TIME* I call back trying to get them reset and explain that I have yet to hear anything from my family doctor and he needs his transfusions on time. I’m afraid they will get missed …. so now nurses and practitioners are scrambling trying to get him set up again because those other times have now been filled for others. UGH!

This is now Tuesday afternoon, still no call back from our home doc …. I’ve left messages, the oncologists here left messages the Friday afternoon before! The practitioner working with our oncologist has phoned and left messages many times as well. *crickets*

Fortunately they do squeeze him back onto the schedule – that’s the Wednesday they realize how low his numbers are and he’s there all day with dad getting things stabilized again. In the meantime Dr. D’s clinic (oncologist) works with me to set up at least one more week of appointments in hopes of setting things straight here in our town by then.

FINALLY!! The damn family doctor calls back. It’s now been over a week since the specialists reached out, Apparently cancer and no immunity plus requiring stabilization for a major procedure in one of the best hospitals anywhere is just NOT ENOUGH to get his attention and response. With all those letters and names not getting responses, what chance do I have???

Explains why my chronic rare condition gets no help either, humm. But that’s for another day.

Anyway, finally we get a response, keeping myself patient and respectful, I take the calls, get the info and set appointments. Cancel with the regular oncologist and move forward. Monday we go for bloodwork, depending on results we will be back Tuesday for transfusions. Pretty much expected at this point, no biggie.

Monday we go in for 8 am. Monday by 10 am I get a call that the transfusion can’t wait, come in this afternoon, there is a 6 hour wait to get the blood products he needs but they are on the way. Okay, no problem we can do that … but wait, W has started with a nose bleed and heavy bruising again, that plus his blood counts … 4 calls later and much back and forth with the oncologist – my family doctor says we need to bring him in now. He must be isolated and we must stop the bleeding! YIKES, more panic, off we go.

To emergency he says, I’ll tell them the issue, go now! When we get there it’s packed, of course. All sorts with germs everywhere! I explain to the nurse, i explain to reception …. take a number! Umm, he needs to be isolated, she checks with the person behind the glass, take a number, I guess you can wait in the door way …. :O What Now???? Come again?

He has cancer, he has literally no white blood cells after chemo so no immunity, and no platelets so he won’t stop bleeding ….. plus the doctor told me to come here asap, that he would tell them he need to be isolated! … take a number….. *fumes*

50 minutes later, after moving him about in a wheel chair inside and outside trying to stay away from all the coughing and sneezing and germs, they finally call him in. His nose has been bleeding heavily this whole time. Lots more stupidity like this later they get him a bed in the ER.

No precautions really but at least there is a curtain, sort of closed up around us. W unfortunately over hears one talking to another saying that he’s just here with his mom, she babies him ….

Finally the family doctor shows up, all of a sudden he’s in full protective gear, triple masked, triple gloved etc and still keeps his distance because he doesn’t want to make W sick. I’m guessing our oncologist read him the riot act over the length of wait for his original call back so he finally gets the urgency. Some of the nurses though aren’t quite up to speed I don’t think. Pretty sure it was after that when W heard the comment :/

Big surprise, after hours in this mess W spikes a fever! I finally got his nose to stop bleeding but they didn’t let us leave despite my saying he would be better at home to wait for the needed products, safer. And now this …. shit hits the fan, I guess they finally realize I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

Two, yes two units of blood have been lost from mornings lab work to now. That is how much his nose was bleeding. Damn fools. The ER doctor didn’t quite believe it, many tests are ordered to try to figure out where else he may be bleeding from. Nothing, maybe she does believe now, anyway.

We go from the ER to the ICU, await blood from all over hells half acre … hours later, 4 more units of blood he needs to get stable! YUP totally babying him, yup totally fine to stay in the waiting area for close to an hour. For F*CK sakes!

The following day we are told he is getting transferred back to the usual hospital, they are better able to treat him and ‘home’ doesn’t have the knowledge or resources. The first part I could have attested too earlier! So here we are again.

Been here since Tuesday, we decided to drive him here ourselves and get released from one hospital without waiting for transport. We would have just been stuck in the ICU with all the other sick people until likely midnight or longer. Not a waste of time we wanted, or risk for that matter. We wnet home, grabbed a few things and were admitted here by 6:30, we had left the other at 4:45, not bad turn around if I do say so myself. The trip itself is almost 1 1/2 hours.

It’s Thursday now, we should hopefully be on the way back home Friday afternoon. You’ll never guess what, they want follow ups done here, not in our home town ….. 😛

At least here he is safe! Got word tentatively that we will be going to Sick Kids next week anyway. Scary and exciting at the same time. The procedure is dangerous and the first 2 weeks after will likely look very scary I’m told but that should then change for the better and the rest of the stay for follow ups there will be as outpatient, set up in our own private little apartment close to the hospital.

*exhale* long post I know, lots of stuff not even covered but here are the highlights.

Till next time … be well! ❤

Detrimental?

Has my D/s dynamic been detrimental to myself and my mental fortitude?

I was never in ‘need’ of anything or anyone before, but these days I find that I feel an absence if he’s not there. If he’s not aware, if he just doesn’t get it ….

I’m an adult, I know that sometimes things go sideways, sometimes things need doing or sometimes people need time. I get that. But I never needed anything, outside of myself, ever!

Now that I’m dealing with Leukemia, relapse AND and stressed out Bear ….. not to mention mental health issues for W, and trying to find the right words to say so that they will just listen and not question when I say he requires a support person etc etc .

I find my down fall to be that I expect a certain response or at least concern from a certain Bear – and he does the opposite.

I get it, I do, it’s stressful for him too, of course!! But without D/s I wouldn’t have had this need.

Yes this is a BDSM D/s site, but I want to tell the truth of what it takes to be a submissive. For some of us it’s like we’ve given away our super powers. Is it worth it?

Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

Even when we’re low-key

My life might not be all kink and BDSM right now but it is still ‘us’. Coming back here and reconnecting with old friends, and some new, has reminded me of that.

What I like about having a Bear around is that I have the privilege of saying ‘i can’t right now. i need you to do it …’.

I have never in my life depended on, or trusted, anyone else with my needs, my wants, my anything. Once we added D/s to our lives that truly changed for me. I had already picked him, obviously because we had been married 15 years by that time. Life and stress had started taking its toll and we needed a change, we needed to reconnect. D/s did that.

So … we might not be all whips and chains right now but we are ‘WE’. And I still have someone I can go to when I – JUST – CAN’T – right now.

Tomorrow is a busy day, back to the hospital for treatment for W and standing by him in support for me. It’s the first time we are doing this as out patient and I’m not looking forward to trying to find my way around! LoL I’m pretty good at getting ‘turned around’ and not so great at find the right hall to go down or the right door to enter. That’s normally a ‘Bear problem’ but covid means only one of us can accompany W. Directions are not my forte, but being his mental health support system is.

Wish me luck! *smirk* Happy Thursday, friends. ❤

Hello

Hi folks, sorry I’ve been away again. Kink has been on the backburner for a little while, more or less, so I haven’t had much to think on or write about.

My hEDS has been in a flare up for a while and it seems that I also suffer from MCAS – yay me! Basically I have been crazy sore, gaining bruises and swelling left and right and now having allergic reactions to EVERYTHING, including new and interesting kinks that we had decided to try and now I can’t have anything on my body or skin.

Pain play and impact play/BDSM are still hard to come by due to first privacy and secondly, my illness. I should see a doctor but mine seemingly knows nothing about this condition, at least not the last time I spoke to him over a year ago! *fumes* But that’s for another blog site ….

One month ago we also lost our German Shepherd, that was hard of course.

So I’m still here, we’re still here. Still trying to get on with life as are all of you too I’m sure. Crossing my fingers that this flare will end, or at least settle down enough that we can get some sort of energy to play! I’m trying not to focus on what has been missing and focusing instead on what (hopefully) lies ahead.

I haven’t really had any sexual appetite lately, I bet you can guess why that might be! LoL Not entirely sure what to do about that. *shrug*

Happy Friday my friends! Stay safe, stay kinky if you can too!

Understanding

With time and experience comes understanding I would say. I think I now understand the ebb and flow of it all, for us.

I’ve heard the terms over and over again of course, it’s a common theme if you search those who have been in the lifestyle and together for a long time, like we have. I’ve heard it but I don’t think I quite understood it in regards to our own relationship. I think I do now!

It’s not a failure, it’s not something to be worried over or stress about. It’s just a natural circumstance when you have a ‘real’ life and challenges out there to contend with as well as your BDSM dynamic.

That’s not to say it’s to be ignored, no I’m just suggesting that instead of internalizing it as a failure somehow, I choose to look at it as a pit stop, to take inventory of what I have in my submissive bank and what I need. Then to take steps to fill missing parts through diligence and intention. And most importantly – communication!

Things are looking good here for us, the kids seem to be on track and so are we. How are you all? I’m investing some time each week to post, it helps me to keep in the mindset I need to stay focused on my submission. What do you do to stay in the groove??

Happy Saturday, stay kinky! LoL

In need of a w[h]ine night!

It doesn’t happen often but I do sometimes miss the action and comradery of having a group of like minded people to talk to. In real time ….

I find it helps to keep motivated when it comes to kink and to my submissive journey. This solitary kinky existence leaves us both lacking in motivation and frankly, flat!

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Not really sure what to do about that. All past attempts at real time chat, and even pen pals, have fizzled out. My personal energies towards kink have also practically fizzled out. I tend to be the one with the imagination and spark to get things started and when I don’t, it doesn’t ….

Gets to be pretty tiresome I admit. It’s a personality thing with him I know but it would be nice if I wasn’t always the one who needed to add fuel to the proverbial fire.

That is all. 🙂

What a strange summer … and submissive mindfulness.

This summer break has been a really odd one for me. I think things have been odd for many people with the pandemic and all the changes that it has brought! But, that’s not what I’m talking about.

For me, this was to be a ‘back to normal’ summer. Normal in terms of time and holidays and having time to myself! Last summer I ended up having to work because the littles I take care of during the school year had no where to go if their parents were ‘essential’. Sure there were spaces for childcare made by the government but they were few and none here in our town!! :O So instead of taking my summer off I worked.

It was hell on my body and that didn’t help my submission either. By the time the day was done and everyday chores were done so was I! *chuckle* This year I took the summer for myself again.

It’s been a month and a half now and it feels like I haven’t started my holiday yet! Mentally and physically I just don’t feel ‘right’. I don’t feel rested, my body is still struggling to get back to my normal, I’m still not ‘well’. Even with all the distancing and the ‘hibernating’ in the house I still seem to catch a ‘bug’ more often than not. It’s not covid but it still hits me hard due to the hEDS I suppose. My immune system is just not up to the job!! I keep hoping that if I can finally get some rest and back to a regular exercise program I can get my health back ….. but I really don’t know if that will come true.

For now I’m trying to not get down mentally and to enjoy what few minutes I do get but I may be starting to lose that battle. The closer it gets to September and school once more the less I feel like I’m going to have my ‘summer break’ at all. It hasn’t helped our kinky dynamic either. We make plans and have rituals set up and then they need to be changed or stopped due to ‘life’ and illness.

I like to have rules and rituals set up, it helps me to get my mindset right where I like it. It seems to make things feel more real, more intense. When those are more suggestions than rules it gets harder for me to stay focused. It’s not impossible but it certainly is more work mentally!!

I keep going back to mindful submission when I notice that it’s more of a daydream than a settled feeling. I find that the key to my submission is allowing those thoughts and feelings to flow freely inside of me. I try to tap into that well of knowledge that I have gained over the years and I let those thoughts and feelings out.

When I adjust my outlook my perception of the things he does also changes. Domination and leadership doesn’t need to be harsh or loud, it can be understated and subtle. When I pay attention I notice his dominance coming through more, that feeds my submission and so it comes through to him, Then he again notices too … and the cycle continues.

I think that when my submissive thoughts and feelings are flowing freely his dominance is fed and so it too flows more strongly. The reverse is true for me as well. When we are in the heights of our dynamic it happens without notice. When things are a bit quieter for whatever the reason, it takes some effort to tap into but it’s still there.

Submission is a choice, it’s up to me to chose to let it flow. To continue the cycle …

kink vs. submission

Submission is more than just being given orders or getting spanked, submission is a personal set of values I believe. Submission is not to be taken, or ordered or managed by another – it is our own.

Is this perhaps the dividing line between submissive and slave? Besides the kink and intensity etc. …. is this the line?

Thoughts?

*** by ‘our own’ I mean something that we crave to do not something that we falter at and need corrections or discipline to accomplish. It is not a struggle to follow through, it’s more of a craving to do so.

My question is implying that a slave is more than kink, and in turn more submissive than a sub. Does this make sense at all?

Not invested, I suppose.

It’s been some time since I’ve really had the need or want to blog here. Bear stopped reading a couple years back and with no real interaction with my readers, well I got bored.

There is plenty of traffic on the site but just no comments which leaves me feeling rather talked out! I started this site back in 2015 and I have covered pretty much all there is that I am willing to share. Pretty much …. *smiles*

I could go back and reread my posts, add things that I have changed in or matured about but I just don’t have the inspiration to do so. Well, not till now anyway. I’ve started speaking to someone who is reading old blog posts of mine, yikes! LoL It’s got me thinking ‘what in the world did I write back then? I sure hope he’s not reading a rant!” *chuckle* Hopefully if there is something a bit off the wall he will ask.

Like I mentioned, Bear stopped reading the posts some time ago. It’s not because he’s not invested in the dynamic it’s just because that’s not the way he learns or shares information! Writing/reading is MY thing not his. Part of succeeding in this dynamic is learning and accepting the methods of the other person and working together for a common goal.

I still write to set things straight in my head and then I find a good time to approach him to talk. He doesn’t put me off, he sits and makes the time to listen. I try to remember to do just a few thoughts at a time because that’s what he prefers but I admit it can be difficult! lol He likes to sit and digest the information before moving forward … there is nothing wrong with that, it’s very much one of the best ways to approach things. I just happen to run a bit faster up in here! *chuckle* One of the reasons why I need BDSM to relax this head of mine.

I’m not entirely sure where I was going with this post, a bit of a ramble I guess. I’ve given up on labels and such. If you’ve followed for a while you already know I try not to use them any but if I had to I’d say we are very much into an M/s type relationship these days.

I think it’s where we were always heading it just took time to get comfortable in our roles. That’s a lot of responsibility and patience on both parts to get here, or so that is my opinion. Rushing things a few times over the years just became overwhelming to both of us so we learned to slow down. Now it just happens.

So, how are you all doing?

~n