Just rambling ….

When I got married I had no idea what to expect of a ‘marriage’. I knew exactly what I didn’t want but I had no picture in my head of what it ‘should be’. I was never one to read romance novels or anything like that, frankly I spent all my time simply surviving, dreaming and fantasizing was no where on the radar.

All I knew for certain was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I wanted to both make Him happy and me happy! Simple (and complicated it seems) as that!

Throughout our marriage I have never had let downs or underachieved expectations …. I had none so there was nothing to be let down about. We figured it out as we went along, we talked, we invested our time and energy and we were happy. We did what worked for us and didn’t worry about anyone else’s marriage ….

Then enter a ‘dynamic’. All of a sudden there are rules, and ways of doing things, labels and other people’s ideals of what it should look like! Starting out I was the one to ask Sir to try this out with me, not just the sex and kink but more, much more …. an all-encompassing idea that worked 24/7.

There was a big problem with this new adventure of ours however. THIS time I had done some reading and research and THIS time I did have a picture in my head of what it was ‘supposed’ to look like. Oh Boy!

I ‘knew’ what a Dom was to be, and a sub was to be and how life was ‘supposed’ to play out … every moment and every word …. *chuckle* yeah, right! Not many of these stories and blog sites ever included much of what life looks like when you’re not kinking it up!

So I did what I think many of us do, I took off running! Oh yes, every moment and every action had to be ‘dominant’, or at least the fantasy book version of dominant. Ironic really, I should have known better, I take that role out in the real world, I know it doesn’t really look like that …. but I fell for it anyway.

For a while it was good, for a while it was new and exciting and frankly you keep yourself in the ‘submissive’ state that everyone is searching for. It doesn’t take much, you are already on a high that turns every action, no matter how small into a ‘oh look how dominant He’s being’ moment. Of course after a while you want more ….

The once ‘new’ things He’s doing are now old news and you are looking to keep that ‘high’ so you need more. Now this is both good and bad. Adding to your dynamic and making things flow along is great BUT being realistic about what can and cannot happen right now is also important, that’s the part that messes us up.

This is when it gets frustrating, then we feel like we are doing all the work, all the carrying of the dynamic and that we are tired and frustrated and done. Anyone been here before??

Then comes the talk …. I’m done, you’re not pulling your weight and we should just stop.

No one is happy, no one is left fulfilled any longer … you struggle and you try to move on without it but it doesn’t seem right anymore.

Then you get the talk from His side. ‘I want this, I want to keep going, I’ll do the work this time’.

This is just what you wanted to hear, but beware, don’t just assume He’s going to be doing it all. Many times I think we think good, this time He will lead and I will follow, so much better – I hope. But I think we step back too much …

We all know it takes two, we all say it, but do we DO it? This is where I blame the stories … I’m the sub, He’s supposed to do all the ordering and planning and making things good. He’s the one who’s supposed to be in charge of everything. He’s the one who needs to make me feel submissive …. but, oh yeah I’m adding energy. Hummm … are we?

Normally this is another ebb in the dynamic. He runs out of steam and our expectations are still so high that they are never met. Big surprise, we have a life and responsibilities, we have work and families and issues that need tending. We have no energy and then it happens again … I don’t feel very submissive, you didn’t dominate well, we are frustrated again …..

All of this because I had that damn picture in my head of what the ‘dynamic’ was supposed to look like. UGH

So this is when, if you are wise you decide it’s time toΒ ‘rock the casbah’! *wink*

So back we went to the beginning, to what we know works … back to the same method we used when we got married:

“All I knew for certain was that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I wanted to both make Him happy and me happy! Simple (and complicated it seems) as that!

Throughout our marriage I have never had let downs or underachieved expectations …. I had none so there was nothing to be let down about. We figured it out as we went along, we talked, we invested our time and energy and we were happy. We did what worked for us and didn’t worry about anyone else’s marriage …. ” Change marriage to dynamic and there you have it! *wink*

I’m not always in heels and leather cuffs, I’m not always doing something kinky or on my knees. We don’t always have time for spankings and scenes but I have changed my way of thinking about it, and so has He.

My submission to Him lives inside of me, it’s not really His responsibility to figure out what’s going on inside my head, He can’t read my mind. It is His responsibility to ask if He notices something off but if I’m going to do my best to hide my thoughts and feelings than I really can’t expect Him to know and act, can I?

My submission is mine to care for, I put it in perspective that I can’t be ‘little slave girl’ 24/7 because there are things going on around me that need attention. I CAN be His 24/7 though, I just need to be open and honest about what’s in my head and let Him decide what to do about it. I can offer suggestions of what I think I need and I can let Him lead from there …

Submission is not quiet or oppressive, and it’s not all about Him being dominant either. It’s about working together, being open and not hiding the truth. THEN He gets to do His job and be the dominant, take charge and help. THAT we can do 24/7, easily.

No it’s not the same as the stories or the scene that you read about on-line, because I have a life around me that includes my dominant every moment. Sometimes He’s the husband and sometimes the Dad, sometimes my MIL’s son and sometimes a brother. Sometimes He has that fire in His eyes that easily brings me to my knees and sometimes He doesn’t.

It doesn’t mean my submission has to change because He’s not always ‘on’, or seemingly not … the truth is He is always on and always in charge it’s just not always so obvious. THAT I need to remember and not make into more than it is.

And on the days when I just need a little more I find a quiet place, personally I like to kneel and wait, it calms me. If possible I will wait naked and eventually He finds me, He always comes looking when He can, sometimes there is a wait but it always seems to be just long enough for me to get my mind calm.

When He finds me He doesn’t hesitate, He tells me He’s ‘here’ and then He will tell me what We are going to do, or He will ask me what I need.

He sees me, it doesn’t matter who started it.

No more let downs, no more ebbs, no more unmet expectations. Just ask …

Is this just me??

Thanks for listening to my ramble, Happy Monday all!

Miss you lots already, Sir! A very wonderful weekend indeed …. Evilness! *wink* ❀ ❀

 

16 thoughts on “Just rambling ….

    1. You are most certainly not alone! Figuring this out will save a lot of heartache in the long run. Assuming you have a willing and caring partner, a lot of the rest really is about perspective and speaking up when needed. πŸ˜€

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  1. Beautifully written again nijntje. So simple and yet so complicated. I believe we are happy first and foremost. I think everyone gets sucked into the same trap of following what you read or hear about. The ones that are not happy in this and know there must be more ,do what needs to be done to be to make themselves happy. No label, story or other influence will stop them. Having someone as strong as you with me on this journey means we will be happy and do what needs to be done to make each other happy. Love you Bear

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  2. One of the biggest mistake people make is reading the ‘stories’ of other peoples lives that say they are 24/7 and every moment of every day is spent having fabulous kink moments but it isn’t real. You still have to shop for groceries and clean house and garden. It is hard to feel sexy while you clean the toilet. The trick is, as you say Nijntje find your own way with your partner and walk through the garden picking the flowers you and your partner love. I always say that our life is 70% normal relationship and 30% kink but that 30% can crop up as the desire strikes and that makes it exciting. It looks to me that you and the Bear are coming close to your own wonderful dynamic. ❀

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    1. Thank you, kitten!
      The Bear and I have been at this for a while now, navigating whatever life throws our way. Once in a while something comes up that reminds me of a thought worth noting and I write it down.
      I had wished for sites with real life information when I was trying to figure it out, I’m hoping maybe I can help some with mine! πŸ˜€

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  3. Why is it that people who have figured out that the “Happily Ever After” stories left a few things out don’t apply that logic to this? Sex.

    The young mind that was entranced with Disney, Grimm or Austin grew up and met life. The stories it longed for were vague overviews of “a relationship”. Later, with the relationship, there was sex. Hmm, now that is a rather specific arena akin to cleaning or paying bills.

    A certain twist leads to some thinking and the titillating thought that the sex is the issue. “If we do this it will be most fun AND we will be Happy Ever After.” The inevitable letdown follows. It is then that posts such as this are invaluable to them.

    Well done ma’am.

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  4. Wow, absolutely perfect! Anyone who says it isn’t work, and that it’s all perfect is lying. Yes the dynamic, lifestyle, whatever you choose to call it resonates well with so many of us – but maintaining it is very time-consuming and hard. Your writing about our submission being that quiet place within is so utterly true!

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