Just a few updates!

As I mentioned before, we’ve been home since the 1st of July, goodness it’s nice to be home!! W and I have spent probably the last 4 1/2 out of almost 8 months in hospitals. Him in a bed of course and me mostly sleeping in chairs! The stay at Sick Kids did afford me the use of a bed/couch area in his room which was such a blessing! I don’t think my back and neck could have taken too much more! lol

The first week was pretty basic, just some low dose chemo to prepare but the second and third week were hellish! I do not wish that on anyone, to watch my child go through it was surreal and scary as f*ck! I knw I don’t normally swear but ….. I just can’t even begin to explain the feelings.

He lost the ability to use words properly, what he wanted to say and what was coming out was all jumbled for a few days. He couldn’t see much, his face was swollen and his eyes bulging out and hurt like hell. He couldn’t even walk well or do the simplest of tasks without getting confused and turned around.

Trying to get him to the washroom was something else! Let me tell you. He is bigger than me, taller and heavier and he could figure out how to sit or place himself properly etc. I’ll spare you the rest of the details but I’ll say that was the most afraid I have ever been in my entire life.

I don’t scare easily, I don’t tend to lead with emotions. I’m pragmatic and no nonsense, I get to the heart of the issue and take care of business. With a clear head and a plan, everything works out as it should ….. not this time!

Thank god for the nurse who was with us those few days, she even came in on her day off for an extra shift just to be on W’s care. I think I may have very well lost it if not for her. Bear was not with me as he was travelling back to work Mon to Fri and then with us on the weekends. While there he also stayed in the apartment while I was in the room with W over night.

The worst night I did get close to calling him in, it was a weekend and he was there …. I doubt anyone would have stopped him at the door. They are quite understanding there, I just can’t say enough for those folks working everyday to help kids and parents through this. Anyway, i got about 45 mins sleep that night and was very glad to see him (Bear) in the morning!

The first weeks were hard but the next few weren’t as bad. We were still stuck in TO but at least W and I were back at the apartment by then. trips back and forth to the hospital a few times each week but it was a 10 min walk away and we had a wheelchair for W, so it worked!

By the first we got the all clear once more, the bone marrow and spinal fluid were all clear of cancer and the CAR-T cells are doing their magic destroying all leukemia cells.

We are back to our regular oncologist now and the following Tuesday when we went for a check up he informed us that the next step should really be a stem cell transplant to make sure the marrow starts producing ‘good’ cells not cancer cells going forward. Basically, it our best way to try to ensure no more relapse!

Say what now … !?!?!? We were not expecting that. We thought it would be checkup and such but as long as the cancer was gone, W could be done with all the big procedures. We all got a bit of a surprise! Nothing finalized yet but we go back on the 5th of August and I imagine we will get more clarity then.

This will mean another trip to TO and hopefully back to Sick Kids. We know the people, know our way around AND I can stay with W over night no questions asked. His panic attacks are all but gone and he has made huge strides in his anxiety BUT it’s not going to just magically disappear. Any time I was away for more then an hour or so he would text and start asking when I’d be back. I’m going to go out on a limb here and assume he is still not ready to be in hospital over night without me. But that’s a problem for another time …

If I understand correctly the stem cell transplant should be done around 3 months after CAR-T in these cases which would see us back to TO likely the beginning or September, since his CAR-T transplant was June 3rd.

In between all this Bear and I have taken any opportunity we can to strengthen out dynamic. I think it’s probably more intense now than it had been in a long time, maybe even ever really. Since we were moving towards a more M/s centered feel before all this began, we have picked up again in that same vein.

I’ll take it while I can, fill up on that energy that keeps me balanced while we are afforded the time and space to do so and let it carry us through the days we focus solely on W and his recovery. It’s a strange dance back and forth some days but we (the 3 of us) are all getting what we need and when.

I can’t say I can ask for more at this time. 🙂

Hope you are all well and happy on this Monday morning!

Rinse and repeat! More hospital stays and drama, ugh.

*long one* be forewarned.

So we’re here again! Two weeks after the last admittance and we are once again back, in the same room even! lol Almost think we should have just moved in ….

Some back story to the last few weeks:

W was admitted 2 1/2 weeks ago on a Tuesday to our usual hospital for cancer treatment because his numbers/bloodwork was just horrible. He needed chemo and other products to get him back to stable and ready for Sick Kids in a few weeks for the CAR-T therapy. We did that, then went home the following Sunday afternoon.

Our doctor here had requested our family doctor back home take charge of the case and have blood work and transfusions done in our local hospital until it was time for Sick Kids. I was hesitant but it did offer much less travel and much more time at home for W and for us. He’s having a hard enough time physically so anything to ease the wait time was going to be great, right!??! lol

Yeah, no!

First off the Oncologist’s requests (and mine of course) for call back and set up of times and dates was never answered. I got a call from here telling me the appointments were being cancelled as they were to be handled in my home town. I said, no please don’t, keep the dates on schedule and I’ll call you back once we get booked here because frankly I’m afraid they won’t come through. Guess what, they didn’t!

Unfortunately, me thinking all was set and settled was silly enough to get in the shower. The phone rings, W takes the call and agrees to cancel the appointments since he is told that they are to be done at home. *PANIC TIME* I call back trying to get them reset and explain that I have yet to hear anything from my family doctor and he needs his transfusions on time. I’m afraid they will get missed …. so now nurses and practitioners are scrambling trying to get him set up again because those other times have now been filled for others. UGH!

This is now Tuesday afternoon, still no call back from our home doc …. I’ve left messages, the oncologists here left messages the Friday afternoon before! The practitioner working with our oncologist has phoned and left messages many times as well. *crickets*

Fortunately they do squeeze him back onto the schedule – that’s the Wednesday they realize how low his numbers are and he’s there all day with dad getting things stabilized again. In the meantime Dr. D’s clinic (oncologist) works with me to set up at least one more week of appointments in hopes of setting things straight here in our town by then.

FINALLY!! The damn family doctor calls back. It’s now been over a week since the specialists reached out, Apparently cancer and no immunity plus requiring stabilization for a major procedure in one of the best hospitals anywhere is just NOT ENOUGH to get his attention and response. With all those letters and names not getting responses, what chance do I have???

Explains why my chronic rare condition gets no help either, humm. But that’s for another day.

Anyway, finally we get a response, keeping myself patient and respectful, I take the calls, get the info and set appointments. Cancel with the regular oncologist and move forward. Monday we go for bloodwork, depending on results we will be back Tuesday for transfusions. Pretty much expected at this point, no biggie.

Monday we go in for 8 am. Monday by 10 am I get a call that the transfusion can’t wait, come in this afternoon, there is a 6 hour wait to get the blood products he needs but they are on the way. Okay, no problem we can do that … but wait, W has started with a nose bleed and heavy bruising again, that plus his blood counts … 4 calls later and much back and forth with the oncologist – my family doctor says we need to bring him in now. He must be isolated and we must stop the bleeding! YIKES, more panic, off we go.

To emergency he says, I’ll tell them the issue, go now! When we get there it’s packed, of course. All sorts with germs everywhere! I explain to the nurse, i explain to reception …. take a number! Umm, he needs to be isolated, she checks with the person behind the glass, take a number, I guess you can wait in the door way …. :O What Now???? Come again?

He has cancer, he has literally no white blood cells after chemo so no immunity, and no platelets so he won’t stop bleeding ….. plus the doctor told me to come here asap, that he would tell them he need to be isolated! … take a number….. *fumes*

50 minutes later, after moving him about in a wheel chair inside and outside trying to stay away from all the coughing and sneezing and germs, they finally call him in. His nose has been bleeding heavily this whole time. Lots more stupidity like this later they get him a bed in the ER.

No precautions really but at least there is a curtain, sort of closed up around us. W unfortunately over hears one talking to another saying that he’s just here with his mom, she babies him ….

Finally the family doctor shows up, all of a sudden he’s in full protective gear, triple masked, triple gloved etc and still keeps his distance because he doesn’t want to make W sick. I’m guessing our oncologist read him the riot act over the length of wait for his original call back so he finally gets the urgency. Some of the nurses though aren’t quite up to speed I don’t think. Pretty sure it was after that when W heard the comment

Big surprise, after hours in this mess W spikes a fever! I finally got his nose to stop bleeding but they didn’t let us leave despite my saying he would be better at home to wait for the needed products, safer. And now this …. shit hits the fan, I guess they finally realize I wasn’t the one in the wrong.

Two, yes two units of blood have been lost from mornings lab work to now. That is how much his nose was bleeding. Damn fools. The ER doctor didn’t quite believe it, many tests are ordered to try to figure out where else he may be bleeding from. Nothing, maybe she does believe now, anyway.

We go from the ER to the ICU, await blood from all over hells half acre … hours later, 4 more units of blood he needs to get stable! YUP totally babying him, yup totally fine to stay in the waiting area for close to an hour. For F*CK sakes!

The following day we are told he is getting transferred back to the usual hospital, they are better able to treat him and ‘home’ doesn’t have the knowledge or resources. The first part I could have attested too earlier! So here we are again.

Been here since Tuesday, we decided to drive him here ourselves and get released from one hospital without waiting for transport. We would have just been stuck in the ICU with all the other sick people until likely midnight or longer. Not a waste of time we wanted, or risk for that matter. We wnet home, grabbed a few things and were admitted here by 6:30, we had left the other at 4:45, not bad turn around if I do say so myself. The trip itself is almost 1 1/2 hours.

It’s Thursday now, we should hopefully be on the way back home Friday afternoon. You’ll never guess what, they want follow ups done here, not in our home town ….. 😛

At least here he is safe! Got word tentatively that we will be going to Sick Kids next week anyway. Scary and exciting at the same time. The procedure is dangerous and the first 2 weeks after will likely look very scary I’m told but that should then change for the better and the rest of the stay for follow ups there will be as outpatient, set up in our own private little apartment close to the hospital.

*exhale* long post I know, lots of stuff not even covered but here are the highlights.

Till next time … be well! ❤

Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

Twists and Turns

For someone who likes to write, I find myself rather ‘not’ that person lately. Okay maybe it started a bit further back but I had set my mind on changing that until …..

Despite having a couple of blog sites I really do tend to be the ‘strong, silent’ type in most things. I keep to myself and have very little pull to tell or talk to anyone about anything. This is apparently no different with this issue.

I think my lack of interest is magnified by the way people in general tend to read what they want into what you’ve written and spend very little time actually ‘listening’ and pondering the words of another and what the meaning may be in that person’s circumstance, instead of in their own.

Anyway …

I can’t remember where I left off and I have no want to revisit past posts so I’ll start from what I think I remember – bear with me. I haven’t updated anyone in real life either, so don’t feel bad.

W was let out of hospital Dec 23rd, home we came with the promise of better things. His spinal fluid looked clear and we hoped he was cancer free. In January we started twice weekly trips to hospital (about 1 1/2 hours away) for lumbar punctures to both test fluids and give chemo. January 25th, after weeks of trying the cancer seemed to be back.

Last Tuesday, Feb 8th we had to start radiation treatment on the brain and spinal cord. We had done all we could to avoid it because he is only 19 and not done with brain development, we hoped to not chance any damage. Unfortunately it became clear that we had no choice.

W has 13 treatments until Feb 25th and then back to hematology for what I assume will be results from radiation and a new course of chemo once more. Fingers crossed we finally get the all clear …. again.

In March we also have a specialist appointment with neurology, W has what they call tortuosity in his brain. Because Leukemia, anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD thanks to abuse from a grade 9 teacher ….. aren’t enough for the poor kid to deal with. Oh and diabetes, did I mention his blood sugars are all over the charts when he is on steroids to help manage chemo symptoms? *sigh*

So I think we’re up to date now, I’m sure I’ve missed something but that’s the Cole’s Notes of it. I should be on the other blog since this is anxiety, illness and coping related but since I haven’t even broached the subject there – well I just don’t have the energy to worry about starting yet!

Doing the math!

I’m finally on summer break! Whew …. it’s been a long time coming. The Covid 19 crises has rearranged my life quite drastically, as with most of you too I’m sure. Before the pandemic hit I had worked myself into a nice and comfortable work schedule that allowed plenty of time for me to focus on my health, physical and mental.

Daily workouts, stretching and some weights along with research of my condition and the best way to cope. Days that were rough I was able to take it easy. Rest when needed or just simply ‘skip’ whatever it was that I was hoping to accomplish on my ‘off’ hours.

In our relationship I had time to focus, think, plan and act to make things as close as possible to our ‘perfect’. Kink was still a work in progress in regards to impact play but after so many years of having to adjust and regroup, we were getting pretty good at finding ways and alternative kinks to keep us balanced.

Then it hit, everything shut down but for me it got BUSY! Every time we have had a lockdown I go from working a couple of hours in the morning and 2 or 3 in the afternoon to working 10+ hours per day. Yeah, it was a big challenge at the best of times to find time, energy or focus to invest in D/s or M/s.

Neither of us was enjoying it. We kept our heads above water and life carried on but there was no doubt that we wanted more, much more from our dynamic than what we were getting. All of these hours of work also took a huge tole on my body. *sigh* So now I start again.

As I mentioned earlier, this year will be about taking care of me – but I’ve also realized (some time now) that A+B=C. When I get to be his slut, his slave, his whore, when he uses me properly and pushes me into subspace …. I feel better. I mean I feel more in control! LoL I know, funny bunny right?

It’s true, the more I get what I need from this, from Him, the more I in turn want to take care of me too. Sure it’s part to do with being his and serving him BUT it also sparks the flame in me to also take care of me. I’m more confident, more balanced and more determined. With my chronic condition – trust me that’s a major bonus!

Anywho, I’m back and I’m hoping to be back more often. I have a lot of catching up to do with all of you I know. If I comment on old posts, it’s just me getting up to speed! If you’ve since moved on just ignore me! LoL I don’t know if this blog will have a different feel, it has been a long time. If you feel chatty, reach out and if not be well!

Maintaining that D/s connection in the every day. Pt. 1

I haven’t written anything in a while and I fear I may be a bit out of practice! I guess you poor souls are about to find out with me! *chuckle*

In the last post I received a couple of comments that were pretty similar. The basic idea was, I think, how have we managed our dynamic this past year with all the ups and downs of a pandemic! How do we keep things engaged in the every day.

In the beginning I think I had an idea that once D/s always D/s but that meant that there was a certain ‘energy’ that I was looking to have ALL THE TIME. The truth is that having a full time, live in relationship AND practicing this dynamic is not really what I had envisioned during the frenzied beginning of exploration. 

To start – I don’t feel ‘submissive’ all the time. If you have been with me for a while you already know that my overall personality tends to be much more in the dominant category. I have tried on and been called many labels over the last few years from ‘Warrior Princess’ to ‘Alfa Submissive’ etc. etc.

Those all have some truth to them but they also don’t really fit. LoL I’ve never been one for labels but I do know that they provide a good starting point for conversation and understanding. As an old friend used to say, the devil is in the details after all! The point is, no I don’t feel that submissive vibe all the time and that’s okay! I don’t need to.

What I have learned is to tap into my own wants and needs and to relay them to my dominant, The Bear! I’ve learned to recognize and honour the feelings I experience and put those into the wants or needs categories, then act on those thoughts and feelings by bringing them to my dominant. 

Submission (and His understanding and support) has taught me to be okay with having needs and being okay with asking to have them met! Go, figure …. you can actually do that in a healthy relationship and it won’t be seen as a weakness!

Life long ago taught me that it takes more strength to ask for help and depend on someone else and submission taught me how to act on that.  

*******

I think my thoughts went a bit off the rails here! LoL But, not a bad first day back?!? 

I’ll be back to the original idea/question – I promise. First let’s see how this one is received *wink*

Happy Thursday! ❤ 

Evolution

i have 15 to 20 well deserved stripes on my backside.

Over the years i think that we have moved from kinky, to D/s, to M/s and all along there has been a strong undertone of DD.

It makes sense really, they are all related (whether or not folks want to admit it)!

I think we have fallen into a truly comfortable harmony right now and I can’t wait to see where the journey takes us next.

As our kinks evolve, so too does our relationship and our dynamic.

Happy wicked Wednesday! *wink*

Writing on my blog or, why i haven’t!

I’ll be honest, sometimes i really just have nothing left to say here, that was the case for a short while. Lately however (since January) i haven’t really written much because i haven’t had the time!

I started working again full time and so my days are busy and spoken for. After hours i normally have a lot of time, we tend to stay around the house even without Covid! The trouble is that i haven’t got the time – alone!

When Bear is home my attentions are always on Him first. I just can’t seem to take myself away to go and write. It’s not that He has ever denied me the time or space, it’s just ME! I can’t do it ….

I know, i’m a hopeless case! *raspberries*

Once school is back in i’m hoping to get back at it in earnest. My days should slow down once more and both writing and working out are on the agenda. They help me physically but also mentally!

Any ideas on topics???

Be well ❤

Asking is not demanding; teasing is encouraged!

He likes it when I come on to Him, in a certain way of course, not demanding but more like ‘needing’.

He always has.

He likes it when i tease Him, within reason of course or He puts His big ‘ole bear paw down! *raspberries*

He always has.

He likes it when i’m naughty, not bad naughty but in a sexual way. *wink*

He always has.

If I want more fun in this dynamic and more “Him” the way i crave – i simply need to get out of my own way! *wink*

He likes a sexy, confident, determined submissive who knows her own mind and needs. I just need to remember to show them!

Asking is NOT demanding; teasing is very much welcomed …..

Still kickin’

I’m still here, still kickin’ around as they say! Things are busy with home life but all in all things are okay.

Kink and D/s is good although a bit less than what i would like, but – what else is new?? *chuckle* Kinky sex is good and it helps to keep us connected but it is not quite enough. For both of us – we could easily fall into a more over all intense, kinky, TPE relationship on most days, but right now the privacy is simply not here.

I say on most days because truthfully life is just that way. I don’t think you can have a full, well rounded life and have only one aspect to it. That’s my opinion, not based on any studies so no need to tell me that ….. *raspberries* I am not a *one trick pony* and that includes my personality and personal life experiences.

Our life is 24/7, 365 for nearly 25 years now (23 married), it most certainly is not all about one thing. I’m not saying things are lacking, don’t get me wrong, just not quite what we aspire to.

The boys are doing well and i think i may be finally on track to figuring out what’s going on with me, physically. That would be another reason why i think Bear is more in ‘care taker’ mode and less in ‘master’. I appreciate that, i can’t say i always like it, but i appreciate it. That’s His main concern after all isn’t it? Taking care of His submissive ….

For anyone following both, i hope to update the other site soon. There are many, many new things and like i mentioned already, hopefully some light at the end of this very long tunnel!

Take care and be well! ❤