Just a thought ….

i don’t believe that a happy relationship is about being in tune or about matching up …

i think the way to get the most out of life and love is to find someone who can join you in harmony ….

one leads the other, one augments the other … and vice versa

Harmony

So far …

These few weeks back to work have been interesting. Trying to keep up with the ‘dynamic’ energy that we want and keep up with life and responsibilities has not been easy!

For the most part however, Bear seems to be more tuned into His dominant side than He has been in a long time. I don’t think it’s just in my mind although i admit that the shift in thinking for me has been a huge help as well.

Life hasn’t changed much and responsibilities have not lessened, neither has the stress! LoL For some reason however, i think we both have found a nice balance again. There have been a few bumps along the road these two weeks but all in all i feel more connected to my ‘s’ side than i have in a long while as well!

He’s using the ‘tools in His tool box’ more without overthinking it or hesitation and i’m using my communication more without doing the same! So far, it feels really good!

Happy Friday! ❤

It felt nice, finally! <3

It felt good to write today. It wasn’t much or long but it felt good.

I write because it helps me to balance my thoughts, my life. It decompresses the day and helps me move on.

It’s not for follows, or likes, or because I want recognition …. it’s just for me.

If it amuses, or enlightens, or helps … than that’s great. But the reality is i like to write, and it helps me …. 

Thanks for sticking around anyway!! *wink*

Oh, for F’s sakes!!

Remember that week i said i might have??? The one to be nijntje??

Well just now found out that my uncle had a stroke yesterday …. he should hopefully be ok.

Also, his daughter, my niece, has a growth on the back of her neck and now she can’t see out of one eye.

She’s been out of country for some time, i guess she’s back!!

*wry laughter* so much for my week …. ! 😛

Caught up?

Things are more or less handled at the moment, at least until next week!

The youngest is in exams now, his schedule for next semester is finally set. I still need to write a note to his new teachers and give them the important information but that should wait until February. That’s when they start fresh!

A new doctor for W has been found and this one is much more reasonable. *sigh* The one we/i was supposed to get in November baled. Apparently they are sending out a letter to inform us (all the patients that were on the waiting list). I have yet to see one ….

The oldest is finally doing well, getting his diploma and actually learning!! surrounded by people and teachers who treat him fairly and show respect. Imagine that …. about damn time.

10 days on FB and I am working pretty much at capacity again. My body hates me for it but my bank account doesn’t! LoL I hate debt, of any sort ….. i’ll sleep better in pain than in debt and obsessing!

It started with the furnace and just progressed, thing after thing within a month and a half and all of a sudden we went from all paid up to almost $10 000 of things to replace. I have no intention of going into my savings so work it is!

My baby brother, who has just recently come back into my life, has been taken advantage of by family but I have convinced him to meet with my financial adviser. I think he learned a few things and opened up his mind to a few new ideas for his future. The man i work with is very kind and has a great heart for helping where and who he can. He has offered to provide his services to L free of charge regardless of whether or not he moves his money. People like that are hard to find. I want to give him credit, even if he will never know it! 😉

L is schizophrenic …. he can use all the help he can get. You’d be surprised how many people have no trouble taking advantage.

So, it’s been a busy couple of months, with holidays and things breaking down, appointments and emails. Advocating and stress managing, fact finding and scheduling, coordinating and pushing forward.

If i’m lucky i have about a week of calm before the next storm.

Once again i find myself in a position that maybe, just maybe I can lay down sword and shield. For just a little while the warrior can rest.

1572160-bigthumbnail

Perhaps, if i’m lucky, i can switch gears and just be nijntje for a while.

I guess we’ll soon find out. Happy Friday ❤

 

It’s official!

It’s true, it’s official! I’ve always known what i like and what i don’t ..

What i need in my life and what i really have no use for! I was right ….

I hate Facebook. I don’t like having to be ‘nice’ and ‘like’ and all that, all the time.

I don’t like people-ing as it is, having to do it in print, it seems to be even worse in feel. UGH

I’m there because of my work, in case you are wondering. In my field, advertising and promoting has gone by way of FB, so here i am. 😛

You need ‘friends’ in order to look credible but then all of your ‘friends’ stuff shows up on your feed. I’ll be honest, i don’t care! I really don’t, i mean it’s important to you and i get that …. but i don’t want to know.

If i shut it all off, it makes me look less likable, but i need to see what’s being said so i can stay relevant.

Yeah, still hate FB. Sorry, not my cup of tea!

In other news ….. 10 days on FB has me working at full capacity, so time to write has not been available. I miss writing, i miss responding, i miss you all. Let’s hope i can hop back in here and there!

Ciao!!

i thought i wanted to become D/s …

In the beginning of all this excitement and whirlwind of a journey i thought i wanted to become D/s. i know now that it’s not true!

‘Becoming’ something to me sounds like you are moving in the direction of something that has been predetermined in space and time. Something that has parameters and rules, ways of being.

i’ve always been an ‘outside the box’ sort of person. Trying to fit into something that wasn’t of my mind or soul simply doesn’t work for me. The entire thing feels like putting on a show. That is not who i am.

Trying to ‘be D/s’ always seemed to lead to let downs and frustrations because it simply didn’t work in our life, in our time and schedule etc. It was someone else’s version of how life should be you see, it works for them and where they are in life but you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole, can you?? not very well.

So some years ago i decided i no longer wanted to ‘become D/s’, instead i decided that D/s could become part of us! It was no longer about following a set schedule or ways of doing things. It was no longer about chasing a feeling and/or maintaining a mind space.

No more, shoulda, coulda, woulda ….

I think there is a real difference between doing this with someone you live with 24/7 and doing this with someone outside of your home/life.

To me it’s the difference between dating and married. Not trying to be offensive to anyone, just trying for simplicity.

When you go on a date you are ready, you are prepared, you are focused and you are planning on giving your date all of your attention. You dress to impress and you have already prepared yourself mentally for that time together, whatever it is you’re doing. In this case BDSM or D/s activities. If for some reason you are not prepared you cancel or postpone.

When you are married/live together however there is not usually a division between getting stuff done and preparing to be Dom or sub. Yes you can set time aside for these things, plan date nights etc. but truthfully, life tends to grab a hold of a lot of that time and energy. You share all aspects of life which means you are both stressed or overwhelmed AT THE SAME TIME!

A live in partner sees all of you, 24/7, not just your best foot forward like when you are dating, like when you are mentally and physically prepared to be together.

I’m not saying that there isn’t a great amount of connection and closeness/knowledge of your partner in those relationships, i’m just saying that the depth of it all is still different. There are things that come up when you are 24/7 in the same space that just don’t happen when you are not.

We called it rose coloured glasses …. to me that’s what ‘becoming D/s‘ felt like. There was no room for a Master who just wasn’t feeling it today and couldn’t find the energy to Dom.  The idea that i didn’t feel ‘submissive’ today meant that something must be wrong or maybe it wasn’t for me after all …. or worse, we ‘lost it‘.

Even in a 24/7 relationship you go through different thoughts, feelings and emotions. It’s called life.

So no, we didn’t become 24/7 D/s …. it simply became part of us. That differentiation was freeing to me!

 

 

Not exactly what it seems, this D/s.

I’ve been a bit flustered as of late. I think that’s probably the best descriptor. Some of it in the previous post and some of it here as well. Some of it i haven’t even begun to put down in writing.

There is a lot going on in my mind right now but ‘submissive’ is not really something on the forefront. Not in the kinky, posturing sort of way anyhow. The more frustrated I get the more stupid little things irritate me. Things He does make me grit my teeth and bite my tongue …. and not so much because of D/s but more because I know it’s not right.

I think when you get into a 24/7 D/s relationship it really isn’t all that different from any other committed relationship for the most part. We’re not kinking it up 24/7, as nice as it may sound it is simply not possible.

We are parents first and foremost, the kids need our time and attention. Next is jobs of course, and then pets …. time, money, emotional struggles both ours or someone close. All of that doesn’t go away because you adopt D/s as a lifestyle. Not when you live together!

But the D/s shouldn’t go away either, just because of ‘life’ stuff, because that stuff will always be there.

So I texted Him and told Him that I didn’t want any ‘kinky stuff’ today. The things that usually keep me thinking of Him and us in that way are today just an irritation. My body is not having any of it and my mind is ready to spin out of control.

He agreed …

He is still He and i am still me but today i need to keep it low key, for my own peace. Sometimes peace comes inside D/s and sometimes it comes from outside in a manner of speaking.

Today i just need to STOP.

He doesn’t point fingers, complain or blame. He stays and holds things steady, He waits for me to be ready. He supports and He watches. And when the time is right He starts again.

That’s what makes Him a dominant, not the ropes ….. *wink*

Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday!?!?! UGH

 

Today’s mood – Forget Santa, give the world a gift yourself <3

It’s funny that the more things change and evolve the more backwards we become as a society.

Is it really true that some things will never change? I certainly hope not …. but we have been singing about this for a very long time!

“Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart”

Do you know your part? It’s the only way things will change.

CLOSER TO THE HEART

AVAILABLE ON A FAREWELL TO KINGS

Music: Geddy Lee and Alex Lifeson
Lyrics: Neil Peart and Peter Talbot

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mold a new reality
Closer to the Heart

The Blacksmith and the Artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the Heart

Philosophers and Ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the Heart

You can be the Captain
I will draw the Chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the Heart

Of Nietzsche, BDSM and lil’Rabbits!

I’ve been reading Friedrich Nietzsche and life is affording me some time to explore and play with my kinky side and so i’ve been musing.

Early into “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”, Nietzsche has his character go into a monologue about the different incarnations of self … more or less. This concept hasn’t left me since reading about the camel, the lion and the child. So many of the visuals used are the very same as the ones i have used throughout my life, and stages too! Reading it has been like ‘coming home’ in a sense, … but onward! *chuckle*

I’m not going into great detail from the book, i know you can all read it for yourselves if you chose, no need for me to ramble on. I am going to muse on how i see it being so in line with my experience of life so far.  😀 And, how it ties into my D/s relationship.

The camel being the first stage, the stage where you carry the load of life, do what’s expected and carry on without much thought or worry of self. You take on the challenges around you and deal with whatever crap gets thrown your way, in my case anyway!

Next stage is the lion, the stage of strength and determination. Where you fight the good fight, find your truth and inner strength and learn how to stand on your own two feet, say ‘NO’ when it’s appropriate, fight your dragon! *smirk* yup, he said that! (Some of you might find this as amusing as i do if you’ve followed a while!)

The next and final stage, the child. The child is important and more powerful than the other two but can not come to be without the others first. The child can make everything fresh and new, “is innocence and forgetting, a new beginning, a game, a self-propelled wheel, a first movement, a sacred ‘Yes’.” The thought finishes with, “the spirit now wills his own will, and he who had been lost to the world now conquers his own world.”

This is all very simple paraphrasing and the story goes on much further and deeper.

What i know is the it matches nicely with the stages of life i have been through and the ‘child’ fits well into what D/s has helped me accomplish. Now i’ve said before that i am not ‘little’, i don’t have a regression or age i like to slip into. I do however have my lil’Rabbit, my bunny.

When all is right with my world i easily find myself in an innocent feeling space. It’s an energy that comes naturally and feels fresh and new and allows for new experiences and new memories to be made. Forgiveness perhaps, acceptance definitely and a weightless way of being, of living without fear, shame or worry.

Now just because ‘bunny’ (Nietzsche’s child) is innocent and ‘light’ doesn’t mean it’s not powerful, because you see it has carried the weight of the camel and faught the fight of the lion. It knows it’s own worth and capabilities and has grown beyond even that, to be strong enough to let it all go and ‘live’.

This part of life i don’t know if i would have been able to achieve without first having the safety of knowing that if i let it all go i was doing it in the safety of having Him watch over me. It came to be from the security of His dominance.

So yeah, just musing on a Monday!