Of lessons learned.

Since I’m sitting here on my own again, sleeping ‘alone’ again and waiting til the next doctor comes calling or the next time W needs something, I find my mind wandering.

Despite all the twists and turns of our current journey we have still tried to keep up with some of the comforting things we use in our kinky lives. My health issues will often complicate that too … oh joy! Regardless, we often try to revisit things of the past and try to implement them once more, sometimes tweaked and sometimes just try again.

A collar at bed time is one of those things. Bear has a leather collar he likes to use for bedtime and my bunny chain 24/7. My condition will often make it so that I can not regulate my body temperature and I find that even something as small as a collar will cause me to overheat. Last summer it had to come off because I was spending too many hours as a furnace and not sleeping. To be honest I overheat so much that even Bear was being kept awake! Humm,maybe that was 2 summers ago! Yikes!

Anyway, recently after having returned home from the hospital stay Bear decided to start using the collar again, for as long as we could this time. It’s not yet summer weather here so it was a good time to try. That and our minds could really use something calming to focus on at bed time.

We used it for a short while with no real issues but one night I seemed to be having a hard time breathing. Something was making me cough and it felt like my breathing was being restricted. Guess what? It was!

Bear decided that it was time to remove the collar and figure out the details in the morning after a good night sleep, his hope was that it was the collar and not some other issue causing me to choke and gasp for air. I didn’t like it but in the middle of the night, in the dark as he tried to remove the collar it seemed to somehow be stuck. I mentioned I could try since I could feel the where and what and be sure not to make it worse. He agreed and I soon figured out that the rabbit choker had somehow wrapped up and around the leather buckle and end flap … it was twisting in such a way that it was literally strangling me!

Now that was a first!! We’ve had an issue in the past with just a linked chain and that quickly became a no-no for bed or any other unsupervised wear but never with this! Anyway, it was removed and the next day bedtime came and went without much fuss. The rabbit is always on, that is the main ‘collar’ of choice for Bear, that and my cuffs that never leave my body.

I was a bit confused and a bit unsettled I guess you could say, that he hadn’t chosen to try again or try something else. We do have a few options for collars that we have played with along the years. I had hoped he would pick one, but he hadn’t.

The next night came and it was the same scenario. And the next … I half thought about saying something, questioning him BUT I didn’t. Not because he doesn’t like it, he’s never once not answered all my questions and concerns, but because something in me told me I didn’t need to. I shouldn’t really because I figured he would do whatever he felt was best and tell me in his own time.

A few days later when once again getting ready for bed, he undressed me as he always does but before tucking me into bed he brought out a brand new collar he had found. It is black and rounded. A very small profile compared to the others with no hooks or D rings to snag a sleeping rabbit! *smiles*

I am rather proud of myself for not pressing and pushing before he was ready to handle the situation. With all the other stressors in our lives right now it would have been easy to fall into that mindset of pushing and pressing the issues that I want dealt with instead of letting him lead the way.

I’m much happier in this case than I would have been if I pressed him on it anyway. Now, if I can just get back home to wait for him to place it on me again …. *smiles*

Detrimental?

Has my D/s dynamic been detrimental to myself and my mental fortitude?

I was never in ‘need’ of anything or anyone before, but these days I find that I feel an absence if he’s not there. If he’s not aware, if he just doesn’t get it ….

I’m an adult, I know that sometimes things go sideways, sometimes things need doing or sometimes people need time. I get that. But I never needed anything, outside of myself, ever!

Now that I’m dealing with Leukemia, relapse AND and stressed out Bear ….. not to mention mental health issues for W, and trying to find the right words to say so that they will just listen and not question when I say he requires a support person etc etc .

I find my down fall to be that I expect a certain response or at least concern from a certain Bear – and he does the opposite.

I get it, I do, it’s stressful for him too, of course!! But without D/s I wouldn’t have had this need.

Yes this is a BDSM D/s site, but I want to tell the truth of what it takes to be a submissive. For some of us it’s like we’ve given away our super powers. Is it worth it?

Lost

I’ve noticed lately that I’ve been feeling a bit lost in my day to day. I mean I feel like I’m wandering through the day instead of living with purpose.

Obviously I have a purpose when it comes to my son and all the appointments, medications, physical and mental health needs etc. I feel rather more of a nurse lately than anything else. Well a mom of course, that never goes away …. I’ve also just started working again – babysitting basically for before and after school kids here in my neighbourhood. That is a nice change from the last 5 months but I’m not sure how long before I need to take a break again.

We had a video conference with W’s doctor on Tuesday and it seems that nothing we have tried so far has been able to clear the cancer from his brain/spinal fluid so we need to try something new! I’m relieved that there are options, or at least we think so, he’s gotten a referral but we haven’t heard back as to whether or not he has been accepted. However, this option would have us once again in hospital for an extended period of time.

I’m not sure if it’s an inpatient treatment or outpatient but this hospital is in our province’s capital and over 4 hrs away! As such I find myself preparing for the mental focus and strength to be away from home again, possibly have to advocate for the right to stay by his side so that he doesn’t have panic attacks and refuses treatment and to be on our own this time because there is no way Bear can travel back and forth 9hrs per day! It just wouldn’t make sense. We might be able to get him accommodations but we might not.

As a ‘planner’ it really makes me unsettled to have so many questions and no way of receiving answers.

As a submissive it makes me ‘lost’ to have no real set of kinky rules or rituals to adhere to. No set list of chores to be of service. No real intentional dynamic to concentrate on. We keep trying but every effort is interrupted by bad news and new directions, medically speaking. My own physical health has also been an issue ……

Now, I’m not complaining about having to support my child, I think anyone in the community would know that that’s not an issue, it’s just the gap that it leaves behind in my D/s life is felt! We had moved in the direction of a Master/slave dynamic as well which for us was more intentional and powerful (!?!?) feeling, Not sure how to describe it but to say that it’s more intense for more hours of every day. We haven’t moved away from Bear and bunny or any other aspect of our dynamic we simply added on to it. I’ll have a whole other post on that if I want to explain it properly! lol

I’ll leave you with my inspiration for making the move in this direction:

It’s true that I have very rarely ever been punished for anything and I think this quote fits my way of being very accurately. I don’t do things worth being punished for because my intention with Him is always to please.

Anyhow, I hope you are all having a great day and I hope to be back soon with news. For now we wait to hear about the referral and try to piece together any fragments of our kinky lives that ‘life’ hasn’t put on hold!

Even when we’re low-key

My life might not be all kink and BDSM right now but it is still ‘us’. Coming back here and reconnecting with old friends, and some new, has reminded me of that.

What I like about having a Bear around is that I have the privilege of saying ‘i can’t right now. i need you to do it …’.

I have never in my life depended on, or trusted, anyone else with my needs, my wants, my anything. Once we added D/s to our lives that truly changed for me. I had already picked him, obviously because we had been married 15 years by that time. Life and stress had started taking its toll and we needed a change, we needed to reconnect. D/s did that.

So … we might not be all whips and chains right now but we are ‘WE’. And I still have someone I can go to when I – JUST – CAN’T – right now.

Tomorrow is a busy day, back to the hospital for treatment for W and standing by him in support for me. It’s the first time we are doing this as out patient and I’m not looking forward to trying to find my way around! LoL I’m pretty good at getting ‘turned around’ and not so great at find the right hall to go down or the right door to enter. That’s normally a ‘Bear problem’ but covid means only one of us can accompany W. Directions are not my forte, but being his mental health support system is.

Wish me luck! *smirk* Happy Thursday, friends. ❤

Hello

Hi folks, sorry I’ve been away again. Kink has been on the backburner for a little while, more or less, so I haven’t had much to think on or write about.

My hEDS has been in a flare up for a while and it seems that I also suffer from MCAS – yay me! Basically I have been crazy sore, gaining bruises and swelling left and right and now having allergic reactions to EVERYTHING, including new and interesting kinks that we had decided to try and now I can’t have anything on my body or skin.

Pain play and impact play/BDSM are still hard to come by due to first privacy and secondly, my illness. I should see a doctor but mine seemingly knows nothing about this condition, at least not the last time I spoke to him over a year ago! *fumes* But that’s for another blog site ….

One month ago we also lost our German Shepherd, that was hard of course.

So I’m still here, we’re still here. Still trying to get on with life as are all of you too I’m sure. Crossing my fingers that this flare will end, or at least settle down enough that we can get some sort of energy to play! I’m trying not to focus on what has been missing and focusing instead on what (hopefully) lies ahead.

I haven’t really had any sexual appetite lately, I bet you can guess why that might be! LoL Not entirely sure what to do about that. *shrug*

Happy Friday my friends! Stay safe, stay kinky if you can too!

Understanding

With time and experience comes understanding I would say. I think I now understand the ebb and flow of it all, for us.

I’ve heard the terms over and over again of course, it’s a common theme if you search those who have been in the lifestyle and together for a long time, like we have. I’ve heard it but I don’t think I quite understood it in regards to our own relationship. I think I do now!

It’s not a failure, it’s not something to be worried over or stress about. It’s just a natural circumstance when you have a ‘real’ life and challenges out there to contend with as well as your BDSM dynamic.

That’s not to say it’s to be ignored, no I’m just suggesting that instead of internalizing it as a failure somehow, I choose to look at it as a pit stop, to take inventory of what I have in my submissive bank and what I need. Then to take steps to fill missing parts through diligence and intention. And most importantly – communication!

Things are looking good here for us, the kids seem to be on track and so are we. How are you all? I’m investing some time each week to post, it helps me to keep in the mindset I need to stay focused on my submission. What do you do to stay in the groove??

Happy Saturday, stay kinky! LoL

kink vs. submission

Submission is more than just being given orders or getting spanked, submission is a personal set of values I believe. Submission is not to be taken, or ordered or managed by another – it is our own.

Is this perhaps the dividing line between submissive and slave? Besides the kink and intensity etc. …. is this the line?

Thoughts?

*** by ‘our own’ I mean something that we crave to do not something that we falter at and need corrections or discipline to accomplish. It is not a struggle to follow through, it’s more of a craving to do so.

My question is implying that a slave is more than kink, and in turn more submissive than a sub. Does this make sense at all?

Not invested, I suppose.

It’s been some time since I’ve really had the need or want to blog here. Bear stopped reading a couple years back and with no real interaction with my readers, well I got bored.

There is plenty of traffic on the site but just no comments which leaves me feeling rather talked out! I started this site back in 2015 and I have covered pretty much all there is that I am willing to share. Pretty much …. *smiles*

I could go back and reread my posts, add things that I have changed in or matured about but I just don’t have the inspiration to do so. Well, not till now anyway. I’ve started speaking to someone who is reading old blog posts of mine, yikes! LoL It’s got me thinking ‘what in the world did I write back then? I sure hope he’s not reading a rant!” *chuckle* Hopefully if there is something a bit off the wall he will ask.

Like I mentioned, Bear stopped reading the posts some time ago. It’s not because he’s not invested in the dynamic it’s just because that’s not the way he learns or shares information! Writing/reading is MY thing not his. Part of succeeding in this dynamic is learning and accepting the methods of the other person and working together for a common goal.

I still write to set things straight in my head and then I find a good time to approach him to talk. He doesn’t put me off, he sits and makes the time to listen. I try to remember to do just a few thoughts at a time because that’s what he prefers but I admit it can be difficult! lol He likes to sit and digest the information before moving forward … there is nothing wrong with that, it’s very much one of the best ways to approach things. I just happen to run a bit faster up in here! *chuckle* One of the reasons why I need BDSM to relax this head of mine.

I’m not entirely sure where I was going with this post, a bit of a ramble I guess. I’ve given up on labels and such. If you’ve followed for a while you already know I try not to use them any but if I had to I’d say we are very much into an M/s type relationship these days.

I think it’s where we were always heading it just took time to get comfortable in our roles. That’s a lot of responsibility and patience on both parts to get here, or so that is my opinion. Rushing things a few times over the years just became overwhelming to both of us so we learned to slow down. Now it just happens.

So, how are you all doing?

~n

Kink or self-harm?

A personal reflection.

I think it’s important to be honest with oneself when practicing certain kinky activities. I have just had to reflect on this topic and I admit that when you are in the midst of subspace it can be hard to tell the difference or perhaps more accurately, admit the difference.

Our kinky life has been taken up a notch, or okay many notches as of late and it has been a wonderful enhancement to our every day life. It has also allowed me to fall deeper into an almost constant subspace. Unfortunately, one of these kinky activities had started to cause some major physical discomfort.

As a masochist the idea of ‘suffering’ for my Dom is a huge appeal however there is a time when the suffering goes from kinky to unsafe or harmful to self.

I’ll spare you the details of the actual kinky activity but as much as my submissive self wanted to continue and please and well, suffer (in a consensual and masochistic way), my adult and responsible self knew it was time to take a break!

In my view kink should not cause real damage to your mind or body. Having also been one to use self harm in the past to deal with my issues I can assure you that there is a very real difference!

So I used my safewords. It’s a very real way for Bear to know the difference between being in the moment, and being in peril. The activity is for now at a full stop, as much as my submissive self might want to continue my reason tells me I should not.

Bear would never allow me to anyway, not now that He knows ….. There will be assessment and evaluation I’m sure and if we do continue in any capacity with this kink it will be well monitored by Him. 🙂

Kink is a fun and healthy expression of self.

Harming oneself is not. Be mindful out there friends.

Looking for …..

Does anyone here know where I might find some good information on a brat/brat tamer dynamic?

I suppose S.A.M. (smart @ss masochist) would also be something of interest. Bear and I are evolving, again, and I think I may be ready to try to tap into this aspect of BDSM.

I’m not talking about being rude or disrespectful or disregarding rules – more of a warrior needing conquer not simply submitting. That said, a little bit of naughty is always fun! *wink*

Chime in, send a link, whatever you may have is appreciated!

Thanks!!!