Tempering the perfectionism neurosis

A bit of a ramble, I think …. let’s see where we end up, shall we? *wink*

Part of my routine/rules is to moisturize twice per day, minimum. Why a rule? (rules to us are things that will be enforced/disciplined for if missed or disregarded, trouble.) When we were playing lots and lots and when I was on that ‘sub high’ we all get when we start out, I used to do this without fail because i did it for Sir, He wanted it etc. etc. But it wasn’t a punishable rule.

Eventually, as life started getting complicated with the boys (not your regular complicated, more than that) and time and opportunity became scarce, the routine was more for my benefit than His. True to form, if something is more for me than anyone else, I stop doing it. I take care of everyone else, not me …. part of the reason this dynamic works so well for us. It forces me to take care of me, WITHOUT guilt. That’s another site entirely but let’s just say it’s a big thing, really.

Anyhow, eventually He realized, was told, what was happening and now the rule is set in place. As a result I am forced to moisturize but also LOOK at my body twice a day, everyday. OYE!

This past weekend I was really fixated on the stretch marks and wobbly bits that I was seeing. It got me thinking about how things were before. Before the kids and pregnancies and stretch marks! I don’t mean just a few, I mean all over. Truth is they are really not noticeable unless you go on the hunt, but hunt I do! LoL I gained almost 50% of my body weight over again with each boy, that’s a lot! That’s a lot of extra skin needed as well to keep up in a very short period of time.

I had preeclampsia with both kids as well and I quite literally looked like a balloon the last week or so for each. Can we say holy stretch! I remember my FIL coming over to the house for something … don’t remember what, and he took a look at me and said “What the hell happened to you?” *chuckle* He was caught off guard, I’m not upset, but it does prove the drastic change, almost over night! Skin doesn’t like that.

So anyhow, looking at all this stuff and being forced to deal with it on a regular basis and the fact that my chronic pain had made movement almost impossible for the better part of a year and I’m not overly happy with my ‘look’ sometimes. I know it’s mostly in my head, again the perfectionism neurosis, but it’s real to me.

When we play, the way we play, and He gets that fixed look in His eyes, the one that says He wants to devour every last inch of me, all the marks melt away. The more He wants to see and feel and hold the less the marks matter, they seem to disappear.

When He just wants to pose me and watch, or when I dress to please Him and His pleasure is obvious …. All of those things tame the perfection that tries to do me in otherwise.

It’s taken a long time but one of the things the Bear likes/needs in order to keep His dominance flowing easily is for me to ‘push’ and flirt in a cat and mouse sort of way. I’ve written before and here I am again. Between my need to be perfect and my dislike of the small things that are glaring to me, I have found it difficult to act that way, it just wasn’t natural anymore …

Time and patience and care has brought that feisty lil’ rabbit back to me. *smirk*  I’m not just confident with others, I’m confident is my sexuality with Him! I’m sure this will be a huge shock to anyone else, I normally have no issue with my sexual presence, …. elsewhere!

Everything means more with Sir, everything means something. One of the side effects of not being a people person I guess, no one else or their opinion really matters to me. (No offense folks, I’m just not wired to work on emotions, usually.)

So now we have added to the ‘dynamic’ once more. Well we did before but I keep back tracking. The more life gets in the way the less I feel that primal urge to just be and play with Him. But, I’m coming back to life and I have to admit it feels great!

The nit picking and runaway train in my head has calmed. It makes an appearence here and there, like this weekend, but I can quickly put it aside. The animal side of me is coming home and the Bear might just have more than he bargined for! *giggle*

Don’t worry, He knows how to control the savage beast! *wink*

I think He knows, I think He feels it too. He’s leaving me more ‘things’ to do that show His control over me. Wise move, Sir! *wink*

Happy Monday! ❤