Twists and Turns

For someone who likes to write, I find myself rather ‘not’ that person lately. Okay maybe it started a bit further back but I had set my mind on changing that until …..

Despite having a couple of blog sites I really do tend to be the ‘strong, silent’ type in most things. I keep to myself and have very little pull to tell or talk to anyone about anything. This is apparently no different with this issue.

I think my lack of interest is magnified by the way people in general tend to read what they want into what you’ve written and spend very little time actually ‘listening’ and pondering the words of another and what the meaning may be in that person’s circumstance, instead of in their own.

Anyway …

I can’t remember where I left off and I have no want to revisit past posts so I’ll start from what I think I remember – bear with me. I haven’t updated anyone in real life either, so don’t feel bad.

W was let out of hospital Dec 23rd, home we came with the promise of better things. His spinal fluid looked clear and we hoped he was cancer free. In January we started twice weekly trips to hospital (about 1 1/2 hours away) for lumbar punctures to both test fluids and give chemo. January 25th, after weeks of trying the cancer seemed to be back.

Last Tuesday, Feb 8th we had to start radiation treatment on the brain and spinal cord. We had done all we could to avoid it because he is only 19 and not done with brain development, we hoped to not chance any damage. Unfortunately it became clear that we had no choice.

W has 13 treatments until Feb 25th and then back to hematology for what I assume will be results from radiation and a new course of chemo once more. Fingers crossed we finally get the all clear …. again.

In March we also have a specialist appointment with neurology, W has what they call tortuosity in his brain. Because Leukemia, anxiety and panic disorder and PTSD thanks to abuse from a grade 9 teacher ….. aren’t enough for the poor kid to deal with. Oh and diabetes, did I mention his blood sugars are all over the charts when he is on steroids to help manage chemo symptoms? *sigh*

So I think we’re up to date now, I’m sure I’ve missed something but that’s the Cole’s Notes of it. I should be on the other blog since this is anxiety, illness and coping related but since I haven’t even broached the subject there – well I just don’t have the energy to worry about starting yet!

Doing the math!

I’m finally on summer break! Whew …. it’s been a long time coming. The Covid 19 crises has rearranged my life quite drastically, as with most of you too I’m sure. Before the pandemic hit I had worked myself into a nice and comfortable work schedule that allowed plenty of time for me to focus on my health, physical and mental.

Daily workouts, stretching and some weights along with research of my condition and the best way to cope. Days that were rough I was able to take it easy. Rest when needed or just simply ‘skip’ whatever it was that I was hoping to accomplish on my ‘off’ hours.

In our relationship I had time to focus, think, plan and act to make things as close as possible to our ‘perfect’. Kink was still a work in progress in regards to impact play but after so many years of having to adjust and regroup, we were getting pretty good at finding ways and alternative kinks to keep us balanced.

Then it hit, everything shut down but for me it got BUSY! Every time we have had a lockdown I go from working a couple of hours in the morning and 2 or 3 in the afternoon to working 10+ hours per day. Yeah, it was a big challenge at the best of times to find time, energy or focus to invest in D/s or M/s.

Neither of us was enjoying it. We kept our heads above water and life carried on but there was no doubt that we wanted more, much more from our dynamic than what we were getting. All of these hours of work also took a huge tole on my body. *sigh* So now I start again.

As I mentioned earlier, this year will be about taking care of me – but I’ve also realized (some time now) that A+B=C. When I get to be his slut, his slave, his whore, when he uses me properly and pushes me into subspace …. I feel better. I mean I feel more in control! LoL I know, funny bunny right?

It’s true, the more I get what I need from this, from Him, the more I in turn want to take care of me too. Sure it’s part to do with being his and serving him BUT it also sparks the flame in me to also take care of me. I’m more confident, more balanced and more determined. With my chronic condition – trust me that’s a major bonus!

Anywho, I’m back and I’m hoping to be back more often. I have a lot of catching up to do with all of you I know. If I comment on old posts, it’s just me getting up to speed! If you’ve since moved on just ignore me! LoL I don’t know if this blog will have a different feel, it has been a long time. If you feel chatty, reach out and if not be well!

Most important submissive phrase

‘Can you help me, please?’

Hello everyone! It has been a long while, some of you who follow my other site know why already.

I’m not sure how often I’ll be back here or if at all for now. I have started the slow process of getting back to writing, I know it’s good for my head but I’m not sure if I have anything worth sharing here. If you have any questions, any comments, any musing etc. feel free to drop a comment. Maybe you will inspire a post! LoL I did have this one thought though … 

The most important phrase that I, as His submissive, have learned is to ask for help! Right now especially I’m finding it to be crucial. 

The kink, the BDSM, the masochist in me and the sadist in Him. Those are all important in our dynamic for certain BUT learning to ask for help, learning I can ask for help, learning that I can completely depend on Him. 

That’s what really makes this dynamic special. 

Happy Friday! I have missed you …. 

It felt nice, finally! <3

It felt good to write today. It wasn’t much or long but it felt good.

I write because it helps me to balance my thoughts, my life. It decompresses the day and helps me move on.

It’s not for follows, or likes, or because I want recognition …. it’s just for me.

If it amuses, or enlightens, or helps … than that’s great. But the reality is i like to write, and it helps me …. 

Thanks for sticking around anyway!! *wink*

Oh, for F’s sakes!!

Remember that week i said i might have??? The one to be nijntje??

Well just now found out that my uncle had a stroke yesterday …. he should hopefully be ok.

Also, his daughter, my niece, has a growth on the back of her neck and now she can’t see out of one eye.

She’s been out of country for some time, i guess she’s back!!

*wry laughter* so much for my week …. ! 😛

i blame BDSM and the kinky community!

In life there are so many people and so many ideas and so many sensitivities.

So many mental health and even physical health issues that you hear about or are experiencing or are close to someone who is … etc etc

We all hear this idea of understanding, don’t we. We hear this idea of ‘everybody experiences things differently’ and so on. And we try to understand, and we try to listen and hear and just get an idea of what exactly it is that seems to make them feel it so much differently, but it’s hard to get, isn’t it?

Well i get it now, at least i think i’m closer to getting it now!

I used to try and understand and be supportive but i admit that my pragmatic brain had a very hard time making it make sense, to me. I got it in theory but in reality ….. it just seemed so far away.

Enter BDSM and kink and the venture into the community! I started to read and see the feelings, the experience, the way one action could be felt in such a different way from one person to another. I also got to experience it first hand!

Some things that i read others hated i just was so comfortable and turned on by i almost hesitate to write this!! LoL Other things that were said to be just the most intense … well, i felt not much at all. Things that some felt were ‘bleh’ i had the most extreme reactions too!

So now, when i speak to someone or read something or try to understand what my child is going through, i get it! I understand that what i find common place can be something that sends his anxiety into a tail spin. I understand that just because the comment someone made rolled off my back it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or offend someone else.

I get it! I really do have an understanding of how it feels and how it can be so different, even if the situation and action was the same for multiple people. The outcome can be different, and it must be respected!

So I get it, really get it in a way that I don’t think i would have the depth of feeling in if not for our fore into the BDSM and kinky community.

So yes, i blame BDSM and i blame the community … so thank you! *wink*

Not exactly what it seems, this D/s.

I’ve been a bit flustered as of late. I think that’s probably the best descriptor. Some of it in the previous post and some of it here as well. Some of it i haven’t even begun to put down in writing.

There is a lot going on in my mind right now but ‘submissive’ is not really something on the forefront. Not in the kinky, posturing sort of way anyhow. The more frustrated I get the more stupid little things irritate me. Things He does make me grit my teeth and bite my tongue …. and not so much because of D/s but more because I know it’s not right.

I think when you get into a 24/7 D/s relationship it really isn’t all that different from any other committed relationship for the most part. We’re not kinking it up 24/7, as nice as it may sound it is simply not possible.

We are parents first and foremost, the kids need our time and attention. Next is jobs of course, and then pets …. time, money, emotional struggles both ours or someone close. All of that doesn’t go away because you adopt D/s as a lifestyle. Not when you live together!

But the D/s shouldn’t go away either, just because of ‘life’ stuff, because that stuff will always be there.

So I texted Him and told Him that I didn’t want any ‘kinky stuff’ today. The things that usually keep me thinking of Him and us in that way are today just an irritation. My body is not having any of it and my mind is ready to spin out of control.

He agreed …

He is still He and i am still me but today i need to keep it low key, for my own peace. Sometimes peace comes inside D/s and sometimes it comes from outside in a manner of speaking.

Today i just need to STOP.

He doesn’t point fingers, complain or blame. He stays and holds things steady, He waits for me to be ready. He supports and He watches. And when the time is right He starts again.

That’s what makes Him a dominant, not the ropes ….. *wink*

Oh geez, it’s only Tuesday!?!?! UGH

 

Is it real?? or play ….

I had started this conversation but i stumbled upon this:

Reality Check

 ‘essay by Anton

His website, although i’m not certain it’s still active:

Consensual Dominance

Theory and Practical Advice for Doing it Well

It explains well the contradictions we find ourselves in when we ‘play’ the way we do and why it’s no less real than any other aspect of our lives. Why we can be queen of His world one day, and a piece of property on another, and both be very much real.

I hope you read the essay if you have had this question, it really is well written. 🙂 He explains why it requires a deep understanding of self, and honesty ….

Enjoy! ❤

Holy Hanna!! I think the world is coming to an end ….

I put that call out to the universe yesterday and today my baby brother emailed me, three times!

I saw him once almost a year ago and 5 years before that!

My youngest has the last week and a half battled some serious medical side effects and in the last two days made all his classes.

Today, tonight he has just told us he would like to go sleep over at a friends. It’s a family we have known and respected for a long time. We have no problem with that ……………… it’s the first time in probably 10 years he has even considered sleep outside of his own home, grandparents included.

I have always believed that we are all connected somehow in our energy ….. but this?

Ssshhhhhh, don’t jinx it!