He said, no.

I don’t often talk about my chronic issues on this blog, not in any great detail, but today the power exchange and the vanilla world come together in a way that i can’t really explain on the other one.

I have a few things i battle daily and fibro and CTD (connective tissue disease) are only the tip of the iceberg but they have been at me with a vengeance recently and affecting my routine/life! Moving is becoming increasingly difficult and i’ve had to take pain medications which i really don’t like to do.

This gets in the way of my rule of daily exercise. It’s one of the rules Bear has for my own well being and was put in place of my own asking. When i don’t work out i don’t feel well, mentally or physically. Setting Him in charge means i don’t make excuses and talk myself out of it, so i don’t put myself into a dangerous downward spiral. But there is more ….

Setting Him in charge also means that i don’t set myself up for harm. He knows how rough the last couple of weeks have been for me and how rough the last few days in particular have been. When i told Him how i was feeling today He instantly told me ‘no workout’.

Personally i knew i probably should skip today, not only are my legs/knees aching but now my ankles are sore as well. Really sore, and i’ve got bruising that is appearing around my ankles and up that area of my leg. I haven’t hit anything, i don’t know where they are coming from but they are in line with the most intense areas of pain. I was still debating whether or not i should workout ….. i don’t like having to give in. Doing too much has always been a bigger issue for me than not doing.

But He said no, so i’m writing this out, my body is still screaming at me and i’m going to give up typing for now because my legs and lower joints are not the only ones affected unfortunately. But i wanted to depict how D/s and vanilla collide and why they work well together.

He might not be able to do much about my pain but He can keep me from hurting myself further. My submission alleviates my perfectionism, following orders seems to do away with the guilt i would feel otherwise for sitting today out!

 

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Blast from the past and BDSM lifestyle

Some triggers come from out of no where it seems, after years have gone by and the memory practically erased from my mind and then all of a sudden, there it is!

Bear has always insisted that if the house was our own He would have me walking around naked as much and as often as possible. I always laugh and tell Him that He would forget to order that by then or that He would get bored of it …. it’s our banter back and forth. Just because we are incorporating BDSM and D/s into our life doesn’t mean we lose our personalities or fun!

Anyhow, the school year is coming to a close and i have a few extra hours here and there during my day while the youngest is still at school. Bear is taking full advantage of this and has left me some kinky tasks to complete.

One such task involved collar and cuffs … so when it was complete, i found myself nude with cuffs and collar and no one home for a few hours. It triggered the thought of His assertion and so i decided to give it a test drive! *giggle* I cleaned up a bit, organized a few things and even competed my workout that way! Well I put my running shoes on but otherwise, …

At the end of it all and before having to get dressed for the afternoon work hours i went and lay across the bed for a while. That’s when it triggered the memory.

My mother has always been a ‘piece of work’ you could say. I don’t get along with my family, we have a long and complicated history.

The memory was of a summer long ago, i had been working out in the fields for a summer job and had made it home exhausted and dirty. Showered of course and then decided to hang out naked, on my bed.

The door was closed, my private area and i was already in my teens. I had a certain expectation of privacy …. For whatever reason she decided to enter my room, unannounced and without knocking or giving me a chance to get dressed.

When she found me just resting and reading in the nude she felt it very funny apparently. She laughed at me outright, made some comment … about crazy or weird i think, and then proceeded to go and tell everyone in the house. THAT would be my two younger brothers. Why would she do that you ask? I have no clue … she was mean i guess. Liked to revel in the humiliation of others.

It hasn’t changed my enjoyment of being nude i muse, maybe she’s the reason i like it so much??? LoL

Bunnies are defiant when they have no respect for you .. *wink*

Saturday start

My @ss is red, my shoulders are relaxed … floating a bit while i get some breakfast, finally.

Bear comes down from the bedroom of the youngest and tells me he’s already up. He had gone up to wake him and give W his meds.

The floaty feeling now tempered with a bit of responsibility … caution … worry.

I hope he hasn’t heard us, was this a smart choice? I guess we’ll find out soon enough!

New toys are being ordered and i’m tentatively excited and optimistic that we might actually be able to get back into more ‘impact’ in our D/s. *wink*

My child’s mental welfare is obviously the most important thing in this equation BUT i already find myself humming while i run around doing whatever needs attention this morning.

Just a few minutes of this type of connection and we both feel better …. it’s a tight rope we walk these days. It has been for a long while and it has taken its tole on us.

Wish me luck!!! and Happy Saturday … ❤

 

Today – personal post

I’ve been frustrated lately, bordering on angry.

Maybe more than bordering.

I haven’t been feeling very well and now a virus to boot!

We’ve got plans for tonight, friend’s anniversary party and i don’t feel much like going.

I have wanted less and less to do with socializing lately. I feel like it’s more of a chore again than ‘fun’. Not sure why that is, could be peri-menopause, could just be that i’ve had enough for now and need a break from it.

Could be that i’m not getting any ‘respite’ and so i haven’t got the energy to keep going.

My mind is cluttered, it never stops. There is no room left for fun and games. No room for patience either TBH.

I’m working full time right now which doesn’t allow for ‘tasks’ or rituals during the day hours. He is not doing anything when it comes to ‘rituals’ in the evenings either.

There are physical manifestations of His dominance from Him, don’t get me wrong, He is trying to keep the energy. He’s not including ME physically though and as a result i’m moving further and further away from responding.

So i’m getting frustrated …. just because i’m submissive to Him doesn’t mean i don’t get angry.

I get that no one can be ‘on’ all the time but i’m too tired to be the one starting this time.

I’m very good at feeding His DOM and i know that’s important but right now i haven’t got that spark left inside of me. This has been going on for a long while and i’m on empty again i guess you could say.

May is mental health month and BDSM and sex helps my mental health. I know that’s not an unusual concept!

He’s not used to me being quiet and reserved but my ‘bunny’ has gone to bed. I don’t feel good (physically) and i haven’t the energy to be ‘happy’. I am still trying my best to be actively submissive.

Best I can do right now is keep my commentary to myself. I have a wicked and dark sense of humour. I’m witty, quick and mean.  Conversations around the dinner table have been interesting lately, the boys are just as wicked! LoL I guess we all need to blow off some steam, good thing no one else can hear us! 😛

I’m naturally introverted and i like being alone. All in all i’m not looking forward to going out tonight. For extroverts being out and socializing energizes them, for introverts it depletes us. It’s not that i’m worried or anxious, i just don’t ‘like’ it.

Normally i tap into ‘bunny’ and i practically do hop around and wiggle every where i go, but like i said, bunny is asleep. I haven’t the right energy to enjoy being out right now and i feel like h3ll.

TAG Sir ….. it’s your turn.

*** writing things out always gets them out of my head. No need to commiserate with me, no worries.

Time for some tylenol because my fever is back and a workout, that always helps too! 😉

*** Oh right, i wrote this because i was frazzled and decided to sit on the floor to ‘ground’ myself. It worked, all this came out and now i have the ‘feel’ at least of being at His feet.

… perhaps the workout should wait til the tylenol kicks in or ….

 

Weird Space

I’m feeling a bit ‘off’ today. Feeling like i’m not really here!?!? Does that make sense to anyone….

AAEAAQAAAAAAAAY1AAAAJGM5MjliYzNjLWFiMDMtNGU1MS04N2JmLWU5NjIxZDVmY2ZkOQ

I’m walking around in almost a daze, just doing things, whatever needs doing but not really focused.

I wish i could say it’s just that my mind is elsewhere but my mind is always elsewhere!

Trying to do all the things that are supposed to be ‘submissive’ but i am certainly not feeling it. I’m just floating along, letting time and life pass by. Not feeling particularly D/s lately … whatever that’s supposed to be. Not sure i care, that’s probably the most pressing part. Not in a bad way, it’s not a ‘new’ thing so it hasn’t been in the ‘oh wow‘ state for a long while.

It’s just an odd state ….. i’ve been doing all these things since the beginning of time anyway … the only difference is this collar and these cuffs. I’ve never been one for symbolism although i know He likes it/them.

My leather night collar is getting tangled up in my hair now that it’s longer. That’s kind of annoying … anyone else experience that? Anywho…

I’ve made the bed and tidied the room. The kitchen is mostly organized, i need to do it in stages, my hands can’t handle all at once these days.

Still need to get my workout in …. need to pick up the kid from school first.

Will i vacuum again today? Probably, two big dogs, two cats and a bunch of kids make a big mess … daily! LoL

The glass tables can probably use a wipe down, it’s been a few days. I’m just sitting here staring. Well typing  …..

We have plans all day Saturday, not sure if i’m looking forward to it or not. People …. not sure why i’m mentioning that. See, strange space.

I just keep rubbing my face with both hands, hoping to massage myself back to ‘life’?? Don’t know.

I haven’t been this stuck in my head in a while ….. i don’t feel particularly connected to anything at the moment. Let’s hope it passes before work this afternoon.

Ciao!

[Update: Just got back from getting the youngest. Feeling a bit more alive, good thing. Driving should probably be done when you’re ‘alive’! LoL]

He hasn’t left me any ‘tasks’ in some time, i have been working most days in the past few weeks. We don’t get to play … not at all lately. A few swatts here and there over the weekend but that is not adding up to much right now.

He did decide to swatt my butt a few dozen times in the back porch this weekend. Stopped to wave up at the crazy neighbours window, just in case she was watching!! :O Then kept going … that was fun, and a bit subby making. We have 6 backyard neighbours and the greenery hasn’t filled in yet!!!!

But that didn’t lead anywhere either.

At least i feel like my feet are touching the ground now. Maybe i can get back to reality before He gets home. Then perhaps some mischief??? *shrug* I guess we’ll see … i doubt it though. Things just have not worked out lately.

I don’t feel any ‘rush’ of excitement. I’m not really the type of person to ‘feel’ things anyway. I’m very pragmatic, my driving force is logic not emotion. It’s taking a lot of energy to stay out of my head these days.

I hadn’t thought of it before but BDSM seems to help me stay connected to my ’emotional’ side. Makes things a bit more complete for me i guess you could say.

Hmmm. Who know …. a bit of a downer today, sorry.

Well, best be off while i can still feel the ground beneath my feet!

 

Why rules …. in pain … rambling ….

Just a jumbled mess of thoughts today, and hurried at that!

I’ve been working out again like was the plan, I’m feeling great mentally …. I even tried ‘testing’ His resolve of the rule! Eeep!  Hey, i might be a bunny but i’m part human too, what can i say!?!?! LoL

It was a holiday long weekend so my thoughts were that it counts as a ‘weekend’ so no workout required. He didn’t agree *raspberries*, said i was welcome to test ‘my’ theory if i liked and then started to list off possible repercussions for said action, or in this case inaction! …. EVIL …..

I am noticing my knees and wrists are acting up all the time … UGH It could be coincidence OR it could be because of the extra physical activity. I’m NOT interested in stopping so I’m currently trying ice after the workouts to see if it makes a difference. Cross your fingers and wish me luck, please!!!

Working out isn’t just good for your physical health it works wonders for your mental health as well. I haven’t actually changed much physically i’m sure, not since a few weeks ago but there haven’t been any negative comments from me since starting! Not out loud, not in my head and no scrunchy noses when i catch myself in the mirror either.

I haven’t had thoughts of ‘starving myself’ to get what i want either. Anorexia and i go way back ….. she can stay in the past as far as i’m concerned!!

So no, I don’t want to have to stop again.

I like this rule, i like that He’s sticking to it … even when i do get a bit testy …. i like that He’s got my back!

Ayway, done with ice on knees, time to do the wrists, kind of hard to type that way!! 😛 Then shower and work!

TTFN! ❤

 

I think I have a rep! LoL

My youngest sends me this today. I guess he has a certain idea about my personality, ya think???

No, I don’t run around beating up fast food employees, but I don’t back down from a fight, that’s for sure! LoL The warrior is always here to protect the family.

Do you think he knows how much I advocate for him? I’m going to say he has a pretty good grasp on the subject!

This is just a silly meme but it is nice to know that HE knows I’ve got his back. 😉

With such an epidemic of mental health issues and suicide in our children and teens, it is SO important to make sure they know you are there to support them. Joke, laugh, talk …. communicate with your children, start young and never stop. Even when they are quiet, they are listening and they are appreciating, even if it doesn’t look like it. Don’t stop talking, even if they have for now. It will come back to you in these times and listening to their stories about the ‘big boss’ in a video game will pay dividends when real life comes calling.

Lead by example …..  I’m not the only fighter in the family btw! Or the only leader. Just a proud momma, not my usual post but hey it’s my soapbox! *chuckle* Nothing wrong with sharing a bit of good news.

Submissive mindset

** A train of thought stemming from my last post.

This is something that i have thought on, off and on for a while. It kind of baffles me at times to be truthful. But then everyone has a slightly different idea of what that is I think, there in lies the problem with labels. They can be useful for a start but can often confuse things when you get into the nitty-gritty of it all.

The idea that I’m supposed to strive for the same calm, squishy feeling that i feel when we are together and playing or whatever, ALL the time seems unrealistic to me and frankly odd. Submissive to my husband and sexually ‘on’ is one part of my being, but it’s not ALL i am.

My mood and energy changes throughout the day depending on where i am and what i’m doing. It changes and floats from one part of my personality to another depending on my need at any given time. Sitting patently awaiting guidance is not a helpful mindset when i’m dealing with the issues that arise on a daily basis around here when He’s not home and i’m at the helm.

I am a warrior in life, i tap into that energy more than any other to be honest and it has served me well. I don’t apologize for that and i have no need to change it either. Most of my day is spent being strong and in control, and i like it! ‘Submissive’ is not the thing the world sees and i think that’s the way it should be.

We have the right and probably the need, to pick and choose what energy we bring to each situation and that’s not denying any part of ourselves. I don’t believe it’s like that at all. I believe it’s simply tapping into the different strengths that we possess and using them when needed.

The trick is learning how to switch gears when it’s time be His submissive again. Turning off my mind and sitting quietly, even if it is in my head, and being just His. To me this is nothing more than practicing mindfulness and learning to be in the moment. This part i have no problem with. Fortunately or unfortunately my life has taught me to live in the moment.

For some that feeling of being submissive may work in all aspects of your life but for some of us it doesn’t. I think that is just fine. We all need to find the balance that works for us, and here personally, that is not the mindset i strive for on an all day basis.

I’m not missing anything and I have no need to fault myself for not being ‘submissive’ all the time. That’s not who I am and that’s not who He wants anyway. I’m not denying any part of my personality and need, not even the strong parts, just because I have chosen to be His submissive wife.

***** *****

The last post was more geared towards starting my day being sexually charged and wanting to play but by days end, the energy is gone and the sexy, flirty bunny just wants to cuddle, rest and get warm!

Self care, something many of us talk about but really don’t do much of.

Mental health and self-care is a huge topic right now. Experts and online resources as well as tv shows all geared towards helping you understand the concept and realize its value. We hear it, agree with it and promise to treat ourselves better but do we?

When i was young i was terrible at this, the main reasons were simple, guilt and martyrdom. I was always striving to be perfect because the way i was raised nothing else was good enough. My narcissistic parents would pit us one against the other and make it clear that we reflected on their worth. There was no way less than perfect was good enough …. *shrug*

Being the stubborn bunny that i am this actually helped me build a good amount of self-worth and self-esteem, not what you would expect, i know. I built myself up but it was by being there and helping my brothers and other family members deal with the craziness that was life. Eventually that went on to become me helping others everywhere and trying to save the world! Ah, the good old days …. *smirk*

Not too much pressure there at all, eh? Just the entire world, how hard can it be?

You might think i’m joking but i’m not. I felt a responsibility to help and ‘save’ everyone that I came in contact with. It worked well for those people, they came and went into my life like a revolving door. People wold use me for what they needed and once back on their feet they were gone again.

I never asked for anything in return and most people are just fine with obliging. I admit a thank you would have been nice but truth is if i got anything at all it was usually anger for pointing out the problem. Most of those would carry on and eventually see i was right and fix their issue. Some would come back, never apologizing for their actions but supposing i would help them some more. This still happens from time to time, but i just let it roll off my back now.

When my kids came around i decided no one else was going to get my attention if a) they didn’t deserve it and b) if they didn’t want to be helped anyway. Many people simply enjoy living in misery, they don’t want to change and i’m done with martyring myself over it.

Ah, see there it is. I felt in order to be able to look myself in the mirror and be happy with who i saw i needed to keep ‘fighting the good fight’ for others regardless of the consequences to me.  This might sound romantic and kind but it is a very dangerous mindset to have. It breaks you down and leaves you with nothing for yourself.

When there is nothing left in you, there is nothing left to give your loved ones either. Think about that, how much is the guilt and martyring worth? Is it more important than having attention and energy left for those people in your life that do care and cherish you?

Why is this on the D/s site you ask, because many of us decided that the care we need should be over seen and thought up by our dominants. They should make rules and regulations to keep us in line and on track. They should be responsible for our ‘self care’.

So we sit back and we wait. Guilt because we don’t want to take the lead, or because we can’t give it to ourselves and martyring because a good submissive does what the dom wants, not what she/he needs.

It’s called ‘self care’ for a reason, it is not given by someone else no matter how much they care and love us. It’s not their job or responsibility, it’s ours. They can help and they can support us but in the end it really is something we need to accept and give ourselves.

That’s when our self-worth starts to grow.  When we give ourselves that right, that time and care then we start to heal and grow. But you need to take that first scary as h3ll step and say ‘ME’, i’m doing this for me, and it’s okay.

It doesn’t make me selfish, it doesn’t make me entitled. It makes me stronger and it helps me heal. Only then can i really help others.

Only then I can truly be His anyway.

Happy Sunday! ❤

 

Inspiration

I heard this some time ago and I find it eerily comforting.

I think it explains the what, ‘silence’, and the how to escape it. I think in one manner or another this is what we all feel when we don’t feel connected.

I will be back to this, there are many, many words in my head ….. but the Bear is home with dinner and so I will go! Wish you a good weekend and please ……

DON’T be silent.