Journey to becoming nijntje …

Originally Posted December 2015 – I’m currently running on empty, but this was always a good one! Enjoy!

I feel like we’ve been doing this dance a long time now Sir. For a long while I was dancing alone, practicing the steps but they were going unnoticed. Eventually you started to drift away, you got deaf to the music I guess ….. it was nothing more than back ground noise and you tuned me out. I guess I was left with a decision to make, let the music die or turn it up ….

 

I can’t say I understood just how much these things I read about would affect you. I thought the kneeling and collars and such were all very cute and great to incorporate into our kinky play time but I really didn’t think they would hold such a high value in your eyes.

Since the beginning I have treated you with respect, always tried to be honest and never wanted to hurt your feelings. I always picked my words wisely, I know how what you say and hurt someone and I’ve always believed in being kind; but still you drifted away….. I never tried to be better than you and I have always put your needs first. Some how in there you got the idea that I was better than you? Too strong to need anyone, even you?

The entire time when I was trying to handle everything and make it easy for you I think I was actually tearing you down and making you feel redundant maybe? I know you started to resent me, even if it was at an unconscious level, but you did. I could feel it in the way you talked and walked around me, or cursed under your breath. Those were not good days, those were the days that made me search for the answer ….

You weren’t the only one changing, I started to get mouthy with you, I was lashing out in anger to cover my hurt. My moment of crisis was when I realized I was planning my day without a thought to what would please you most….After almost 18 years of thinking of you I had just made a decision without putting you first. I was immediately so uncomfortable I was crawling out of my own skin. Something had to change and I knew it had to be me.

I know you were very uncomfortable the first few times I knelt for you, you likely didn’t think you deserved the honour. It was a strange time for both of us. I had just realized I needed more from you and you were just getting the message that I did need you. I think it was the first time I actually told you out loud that I valued your opinion and needed your support. I’m not sure if you really believed it but I know you do now!

The more I am honest with you and give my problems over to you the stronger you get. The more I let you help me and take over the less stressed you seem to be. The more I trust you to take responsibility the faster you rise to the challenge. The moral of this story is that me doing everything was not making you happy, me letting you do your job does. The kneeling, the collar, the sitting at your feet and all the rest simply shows you I still need you to guide me and I think that is what you really enjoy about the gestures.

 

 

I was dancing alone for so long and when it comes right down to it, it was my own fault.

All I had to do was ask you to join me ….

 

Calming the mind! Thank you Sir ….

My very first post here, Sept 15, 2015 …. He still keeps the demons at bay. 

I’m not sure how it works or why it helps but my maintenance spankings always seem to calm my mind. Maybe it’s because I know you care enough to take control, maybe it’s because I can let my mind go blank for a time …. mostly I think it’s because I feel like I belong to you.

You always seem so connected to me once you are through, like you just can’t get close enough to me, like I’m inside you. I’m not sure if that’s true or just wishful thinking but it is the way it feels to me. Is this when you feel the most in control of me? Is this one of the times you feel most like Sir?

I think I just need to go through this mess in my mind every so often to keep the demons where they belong I suppose. It’s been so many years now but they still seem to sneak up on me every so often. I’ve been opening up to you so much these past few months that memories I had pushed deep deep down are once again so clear. I’m sure the surrounding drama with everyone else is pushing all this forward as well.

I love being yours Sir. I love the feeling of knowing I am completely yours and you know it and want it. You feel so strong and so safe when you are in that place I honestly can’t think of anywhere I would rather be. Love you always ….

Ways of submitting – Mail order submissive??

This is more of a thinking out loud kind of thing than it is an information post. I read something a while back that got me thinking on the subject and since my holidays are coming to an end and I think it will be highly unlikely that I have time to write much until the new kids and schedule has the kinks (yes I went there!! lol ;P) worked out, I thought I’d take a few minutes to at least start to try to get this ‘down’.

The idea comes to me from the perspective of married couples (or committed) who started to practice BDSM and D/s long after the commitment was already made. Basically one partner will normally initiate the conversation and ask for the lifestyle after doing research or even practicing some but the second partner really has no knowledge or experience in it.

Most of the exposure I have had to this is from the submissive perspective and also the one initiating the dynamic, so keep that in mind … I am interested to see what the dominants or aspiring dominants out there think on this topic, as well as any submissives who want to chime in! 😉

Now my thoughts are that if you are just starting out in the D/s or similar dynamic and looking for a partner than you have your lists of things you look for, things you want and the way you wish your DOM or sub to act and react. When you are in an existing relationship and trying to make a transition I think things need to be a bit more of a compromise in order for it to work. Less of a fantasy in your mind and more of a real life scenario ….

From my experiences over the past few years I have seen and learned that the DOM we want or have pictured in our mind is not usually the one we end up with. Now this doesn’t mean it’s not real or not fulfilling, it’s just simply not that picture we had originally. The wants and needs of every DOM is different and the way in which they choose to lead is also different. What I have learned is that just because my original idea of what submitting to my husband looked like is not exactly the reality doesn’t mean it’s any less fulfilling or valid or of service.

So, how does this translate from the Dominant perspective? What if it’s the Dominant that has initiated and researched and become savvy in the dynamic but the submissive is the one who does not fit into the mental fantasy all worked out before hand? What if the needs of this particular submissive are different than the assumed needs the Dominant had all worked out in their minds?

One example that keeps hopping through my mind – some submissives are good at and want to anticipate the needs of the Dominant, they want and do and act in a way that has everything read and figured out a head of time so as to please their DOM. Others I have met prefer to have things spelled out exactly, lists of things to do, how to do them, how to act and even what to say in certain situations. Some like to have time lines and deadlines and others prefer to try and anticipate and outdo anything that the DOM might like or require even before the dominant has had a chance to think of it themselves.

So than, if the dominant asking the newly consented submissive ends up with someone who’s needs are different then what they anticipated does the dominant then not have the responsibility to compromise and provide for those needs first? I guess in my mind this is where the dominant takes charge, starts by providing for the needs of the submissive and then through guidance and training (consented to upfront of course) starts to mold the submissive into the creature that they have dreamed of and wanted …

Does the fact that your newly acquired submissive does not act and react they way you thought mean that they can’t do this to your liking or does it simply mean that you need to put YOUR preconceptions aside, work with what you have been gifted and slowly mold it into what you want.

I know that from my submissive side I had to put away my preconceptions and we slowly worked towards our end goal, not just mine. So what say you??

On the same page

Not sure exactly what this post is going to be today, a bit of rambling I think. I guess we’ll see where I end up Sir!! ❤

I’ve always been the primary care giver for the kids, they are 17 and 15 (next week) and I’ve been home now for 15-ish years. I work from home, it was a decision we made when the kids came around and for a variety of reasons but mostly because of them.

Originally the idea was that I would work from home until they were both in school and then likely get back to working outside the home. After it was made clear that they still needed the added support of me being home we thought maybe once they were old enough to be home alone for an hour or two would be a good time for me to return to work, …. and then perhaps when they were both in high school … etc.

Well they are both in high school and things have been great at times and rocky at times, many issues have been dealt with, many things I never would have thought of in the beginning, things you never think will happen to you!

In the early years I made all the decisions when it came to the kids, it made sense since I was the one here, I saw them most and I knew more in this regard so why wouldn’t I, right? Well eventually it got to be a lot for one person to shoulder on their own, like I said many things happened and many things needed to be handled.

This was probably around the same time that it felt like Sir was checking out and I was basically a single parent, I have never told Him that but that is what I felt at the time. I went as far as to make lists in my head, what bills we had, could I afford the house and things on my income alone, would it be worth it or should I consider moving etc. etc. I’m a planner, I plan for the worst and hope for the best ….

Somewhere in here my sex drive went into high gear, this BDSM D/s M/s idea become known to us and we started playing around …. I found this site that gave all sorts of information but none of it was sexual! It wasn’t at all what I went looking for I admit but it painted a completely different picture of what this thing could be …. so I showed it to Sir. It was a lot to fathom all at once to be sure, it was deep, it was complicated and it wasn’t all about kneeling or collars or BS! It wasn’t one being more than the other, it was both working for each other ….

It was written by a dominant and He made it clear that to be a good DOM your main concern and priority is your submissive and that you might have all the power but it was to be used for the benefit of the submissive first and foremost. Only once those needs had been met were you to then take what you needed and wanted from the submissive and they would be more than happy to hand it over freely and eagerly!

It gave Sir the information He needed to give Himself permission to take this on. The difference between dominant and domineering was made clear and I think He really liked the idea that He does this primarily to take care of me!

We needed to work out what that looks like exactly in our case because no one knows your life better than yourself but it gave us one heck of a head start over all the other stuff I found out there! People preaching all sorts of things and others following blindly and in some cases becoming even more miserable than before they started!

We didn’t want anything scripted, we didn’t want anything that felt fake. All those rituals give you a high for a while but they will lose their charm eventually, become old hat and then you’re left chasing a feeling and can’t figure out why you can’t seem to find it. We wanted real ….

So the other week when I was at home dealing with one of the boys I got a message back from Sir telling me exactly what He felt we needed to do about it …. point-blank, spelled out and specific. I got butterflies in my tummy and a warm feeling all over …. I was His and He was in control, together and on the same page!

No plugs, no clamps, no rituals of kneeling or spankings ….. just my Man letting me know I’m not alone, He’s here and He will take care of me and us …. the weight is not just on my shoulders any more.

Some where in ‘vanilla land’ He got the idea He couldn’t do that, somewhere in ‘vanilla land’ I got the idea I couldn’t ask for help, or He should somehow read my mind if He really did care. Yeah, it’s not like that ….

The fact is that if there is something I’m not getting its simply because I’m not telling, it’s not topping it’s realistic. For all of His great qualities the one thing my Sir is not is a mind reader …..

The real difference between us and vanilla? Open, honest communication and attentive listening! On *both* sides.

Happy Friday!

Can’t wait till you’re home Sir ❤

The very beginning …. part deux!

More about how we began and what brought me to this side of the DOM sub fence …. I suppose that as far as most ‘lifestylers’ go we kind of came about this a bit backwards.

As I mentioned in part 1, the thing that brought us to this idea of D/s was the fact that we were looking to add to and enhance our sex life. It really wasn’t any more then that originally and I suppose if I am honest what we work at really isn’t more than that now.

The reason I say this is because ALL the other stuff that makes the dynamic more than your normal vanilla relationship was already in place for us. What others refer to as vanilla, I refer to as a non relationship. I simply would not be in a relationship that was not filled with honesty, care, communication, respect, commitment, love and with my best friend.

Right now when I talk about and post about D/s most things I am trying to work on or fit in are sex and BDSM related and in a way that really has become the ‘priority’ and focus. The fact is however that if ALL other things were not already in place this dynamic would not be happening, the BDSM and D/s sex would not be something on the radar. I would never consider this with someone I didn’t trust with my life, all of my life.

Right now with life being busy, and kids at home and responsibilities coming out our ears, schedules and protocols and such can be difficult to maintain. I’ve contemplated the idea that you can’t be as serious or as into it simply because the structure is not quite so strict and I believe this to be incorrect.

Think about it, on Tuesdays let’s say I am to walk around in the buff and clean the family room as well as make dinner and serve it to my Master while he eats and enjoys ‘the view’. After which I am to ask Him if I may be of ‘service’ and you can take it from there …. fantastic, except there are two teens at home so that simply won’t do, you can repeat the whole thing with clothes on instead but one of the boys has a performance of some sort and then the evening has gone from scheduled M/s to ‘get some takeout and find something nice to wear we need to go out’.

Now you could say, no problem you catch up the next day and carry on with rituals and routines from there … well the problem is that in a home with children and family that is not aware of dynamics and just things and people happening all the time this type of ‘interruption’ to your daily scheduled program happens often. Too often to be playing catch up because you never will …

The rules are simple and meaningful, the protocols in place are usually quick and never not done, they mean something and can all be fit in no matter how busy or crazy life can get. Schedules … lol, well as we are flying around by the seat of our pants in this crazy wonderful life schedules tend to be made up as we go along depending on work load and priority.

The fact is and always has been that He has my back no matter what or where and I will love, honour and respect no matter what or where …. and if there is anything in question I go to Him and He has final say, period. He never sets aside His commitment to me and I never set aside my commitment to Him. We never needed advice on how to be together, we just wanted to learn how to kink it up!

Please keep that in mind when reading these few posts, I say sex was the priority because it was the only piece left to place …. we didn’t start off in the bedroom and tried to work our way out, we started off in life and worked it into the bedroom.

A bit backwards from most stories I hear out there, most seem to be hoping it will turn into a commitment and others are married couples trying to fix a marriage, but all I wanted was the sex. I’m not saying that’s what anyone should be looking for in the beginning or that it should be the priority in general, but we already have a happy, healthy and strong relationship …. we just wanted our dessert!

Love You Always Sir! ❤

The beginning, the very beginning …. of my ‘dynamic’

Okay so the truth about why a dominant at heart turned ‘submissive’ at home before any of the reality of what it really was sunk in. At first all the terms and rules and posturing was strictly sexually based. Yup, that’s it … nothing more and nothing less.

I already had a partner that was committed, and supportive and had my back, I already had all my other needs of life taken care of, but one, sex! We have always gotten along well, we have always communicated, we have always worked as a team, appreciated each others differences and held each others best interests at heart. All of that was already there and no label required. Sir has always been the only one I can count on to take care of me, no matter what else is going on in life. He is the only one that doesn’t let me down.

When the kids were little and time was short and birth control was in the picture my sex drive was also much lower. It was 8 years after having my first child that I finally got to sleep through the night. Eight years of sleeplessness and working full-time and taking care of eventually two toddlers ….. Energy was at an all time low, birth control squashed any amount of sex drive I had and sleep was a luxury. Sex was just not on the radar.

I had daydreams of just being ‘taken’, rough and fast with no more foreplay than ‘come here’. Hot, rough and primal was all I had time or energy for anyway. Unfortunately that was not part of our relationship at the time and I just got less and less sure of myself as time went on, so I said nothing …

Eventually the kids started sleeping (Yays!!) and we made arrangements so that I no longer needed birth control, my sleep got better and my sex drive did too, and then came perimenopause … for me it too ramped up my sex drive, or I suppose it might have just been going off birth control, who knows, probably both!

Anyway, the stories about sex and D/s were an easy way to get the picture across to Sir about what I was wanting and missing in life. As much as I like dominating out there in the real world doing it in bed does not turn me on. Finding lots and lots of stories and accounts is not difficult so the terms and dynamic became something we started talking about and pursuing.

I am sure, confident, capable and strong; if kneeling was what it took to get ‘off’ then that was what I was going to do. It really was an easy step, we already had the trust, respect, communication, love and honesty ….. so why not? I took a leap of faith.

So there you have it, that’s how it started. Sir was awfully uncomfortable the first few times because seeing me in a submissive state was just very unusual and far-fetched, even if it was just sexual it was certainly pushing His limits to say the least. He has since learned that He has a very sadistic side that compliments my masochistic need quite nicely but that might be a story for another day! 😉

We started slow and simple and took time to enjoy each and every mile stone…. and we are still changing and moving forward. Rome wasn’t built in a day ….

It is ironic though that our first sexual encounter was on a pool table, ….. in a pool hall …. LOL

Some how we went backwards before we moved forward!

Love You Sir ❤  or was it on the bar?!?!?!

Self advocating

I feel that a very important part of making this type of relationship work is self advocating. That’s what all the communication is about after all. The idea of blindly following someone and letting them rule over your life without being mindful of your own needs and making sure that they are being met is ridiculous to me.

I don’t think anyone should be in a power exchange relationship if you are not secure enough to make sure you are being taken care of properly and advocate for yourself if you feel you are not! Any dominant who gets upset or worse, angry because you are speaking up and being honest about how you feel and what you need is not deserving of the title, or the respect.

This is my life after all, not a game. Regardless of the dynamic I have chosen the responsibility for my life ultimately falls to me. The most important aspect of this relationship is that it is consensual and it is my responsibility to give or revoke that consent depending on how things are going.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that just because you don’t like a decision or rule you should give and take your consent on a whim, I’m saying if you spend more time being miserable and wishing for something different than you do being happy and content in your role than perhaps you should seriously evaluate where you are and what you are doing.

Being submissive, or whatever you want to call yourself should make your life better not worse. The decision might not be easy to make but it’s your life after all, how much of it do you want to waste?

Different relationships have different protocols but open honest communication without anger or prejudice in a timely manner and often is a must! Without that you are simply kinky vanilla ….

Love You Always Sir ❤

Because of you I walk in peace.

How the Bear earned His title … A re-blog from a year ago. 😀

I’ve always walked straight and tall, that was always my way. I was stubborn and strong and not about to let anyone get the better of me. So I walked straight, looked people in the eye and never backed down. I always walked alone.

I saw something in you when we met and I knew that you were the one, I don’t know what exactly or how to explain it but I saw it. Although I was nice to everyone I never let anyone close to my heart. I didn’t trust, I didn’t feel much of anything unless you count hurt and empty. I used many self-destructive ways of dealing with my pain but none of them ever made it go away.

Before I met you I had already decided I was not going to bother with relationships, they all ended in disaster and not worth the heart-break. Family, friendships or romantic, it didn’t matter, I was done. I knew a lot of people, had a lot of acquaintances and most probably even thought we were friends but I couldn’t let anyone in. I couldn’t let anyone get close, not close enough for me to actually care. Then along came you ….

Some how you managed to find a way into my heart, I still have no clue how that happened but I’m glad it did. I guess I knew the type of person you are from the beginning. I’ve never worried about being hurt by you, or let down, or used. I’ve never worried that you would put yourself a head of me and I’ve never had to worry about what you might do.

What you did was open my heart. You made me see value in who I am. Because of you I am now self-confident in everything, not just strong or stubborn but I know I AM worth something. I have always been able to look at my self in the mirror when related to my behaviour, but not everything else. Now I can …

Because of you I like me! Because of you I got the strength I needed to trust people who were worth it and cut out the ones who were not. I am comfortable asking for what I want because I know I am worth it, whatever it is. I am a good person and I am worth your time. I have many strengths and you have made me proud of all of them.

There are so many things you do for me I don’t even know where to go next. I am happy with myself, I’m happy with my life. I can be happy and not worry that it will just get ripped out from under me. I am content and at peace. I don’t worry about walking around with my armor because I don’t need it anymore.

You have given me a safe place to open my heart and express myself freely. I can be me, without fear, without judgement, without pain. I can be open, and honest and feel loved and cared for. I can take a breath and I can count on you. Because of you I can be vulnerable, because of you I have given myself the right to feel.

You have helped me find my contentment and inner peace. Because of you I am strong enough to kneel.

Always and only You. ❤

Punishments, corrections, and other disciplinary actions

(Thinking out loud so don’t anyone go getting in a tizzy!)

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I very rarely get into trouble. We are coming up on my 1 year anniversary for being trouble-free!

When we first started doing this ‘thing’ (call it what you will or won’t) I was very much looking for accountability, looking for Sir to be all take charge and make me pay for my mistakes etc. etc. I was sort of wishing for a letter of the law type deal, and all the I’s dotted and T’s crossed etc. Well that didn’t happen, at least not exactly like that …

First off I’ve never been rude or disrespectful or just dismissive of my husband. It’s just not my personality, I would prefer to be single or elsewhere then have that type of life. I’m not just saying that, I’ve been there. Between my childhood and my first few relationships growing up I experienced enough to know what I didn’t want and I did leave each one. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t without risk and loneliness but I just couldn’t live any other way, I couldn’t live with myself.

Anyway, back to punishments, my first instinct was that I wanted them, craved them, almost couldn’t wait to be in trouble as much as I ‘feared’ being in trouble. I wanted to feel that He was in charge, He was in control and that I really did need to be accountable. When we were doing the part-time/kinky thing on weekends and hadn’t realized it really was much more than that it was exactly what I wanted. Now however, it is much different.

The idea alone of disappointing Him is unbearable to me, there is no physical punishment that could compare. If I’m completely honest, the look of disappointment is probably the hardest to bear. I’d take a physical punishment anytime, but to be completely honest if my heart wasn’t in it I really don’t think it would be effective anyway. To me the idea of a physical punishment is more in keeping with a ‘payment and forgotten’ which is more for My benefit then His.  It allows me to feel like I’ve made amends and He can physically see that I do mean it, nothing else really, but then we don’t have physical punishments that don’t first involve communication and resolution. In our home punishment is closure.

I don’t agree with sex as punishment, I don’t think it’s effective or sane. I wrote and earlier post on that and my view hasn’t changed. I think you are either ultimately getting off on it, or you are being psychologically and physically abused. Either way it’s not effective in bringing about a healthy change ….

But I do like the physical domination, I do like the feel of his hands on me and I do like the thought and feel of my ass on fire! So we play, or so I ask … We have talked about what makes me feel His, balanced, owned and happy and we came up with (and continue to) a game plan. I can have the physical release and the physical domination and the sting and sore ALL without being in trouble or feeling guilty!

Sometimes we use reset spankings/play and sometimes it’s called maintenance and other times it’s just balance. It doesn’t matter what we call it or what we use but I am not in trouble. Normally it takes between 1 to 2 hours and some times I get to orgasm at the end and sometimes I get ‘used’ and yet others nothing sexual at all. It’s physical, it’s HEAT and it’s HOT but it’s not trouble and it’s not tiresome. If you’re always in trouble, are you really learning or changing anything?

I still want to be corrected by Him if He sees fit but I would rather make sure I’m not in trouble and get my needs met otherwise then test and push to be sure He’s still with me. I think that if you test and push instead of speaking up you will end up with a DOM that feels like a domineering jerk, and they won’t like their place or want to continue, and you will inevitably feel let down and alone.

Talk, plan, be honest and be open, together …. a relationship takes two so be part of that two. Besides, in my opinion no real DOM will want to lead you without first knowing what your needs and wants really are! How else can they possibly do their job and keep you safe, satisfied and happy?

They might be dominant but they still can’t read your mind……

So when I said to Sir one night long ago that I was hoping He would have been more strict, He told me that He got what He wanted out of it, and He didn’t want to turn into a mindless jerk! He was right of course, …. that’s why He’s the Boss!

Love You Sir ❤

 

 

 

A good read – Is Submission a Gift? — Love Letters to a Unicorn

“Submission is a gift.” I hear that phrase constantly in the kink community. I hear submissives say it. I hear Dom(me)s say it. Switches say it. I have said it. Pretty much everyone I hear speak about submission at some point utters this phrase. It seems almost like assumed knowledge in the kink world. But […]

via Is Submission a Gift? — Love Letters to a Unicorn