(Thinking out loud so don’t anyone go getting in a tizzy!)
If you have followed my blog for any length of time you will know that I very rarely get into trouble. We are coming up on my 1 year anniversary for being trouble-free!
When we first started doing this ‘thing’ (call it what you will or won’t) I was very much looking for accountability, looking for Sir to be all take charge and make me pay for my mistakes etc. etc. I was sort of wishing for a letter of the law type deal, and all the I’s dotted and T’s crossed etc. Well that didn’t happen, at least not exactly like that …
First off I’ve never been rude or disrespectful or just dismissive of my husband. It’s just not my personality, I would prefer to be single or elsewhere then have that type of life. I’m not just saying that, I’ve been there. Between my childhood and my first few relationships growing up I experienced enough to know what I didn’t want and I did leave each one. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t without risk and loneliness but I just couldn’t live any other way, I couldn’t live with myself.
Anyway, back to punishments, my first instinct was that I wanted them, craved them, almost couldn’t wait to be in trouble as much as I ‘feared’ being in trouble. I wanted to feel that He was in charge, He was in control and that I really did need to be accountable. When we were doing the part-time/kinky thing on weekends and hadn’t realized it really was much more than that it was exactly what I wanted. Now however, it is much different.
The idea alone of disappointing Him is unbearable to me, there is no physical punishment that could compare. If I’m completely honest, the look of disappointment is probably the hardest to bear. I’d take a physical punishment anytime, but to be completely honest if my heart wasn’t in it I really don’t think it would be effective anyway. To me the idea of a physical punishment is more in keeping with a ‘payment and forgotten’ which is more for My benefit then His. It allows me to feel like I’ve made amends and He can physically see that I do mean it, nothing else really, but then we don’t have physical punishments that don’t first involve communication and resolution. In our home punishment is closure.
I don’t agree with sex as punishment, I don’t think it’s effective or sane. I wrote and earlier post on that and my view hasn’t changed. I think you are either ultimately getting off on it, or you are being psychologically and physically abused. Either way it’s not effective in bringing about a healthy change ….
But I do like the physical domination, I do like the feel of his hands on me and I do like the thought and feel of my ass on fire! So we play, or so I ask … We have talked about what makes me feel His, balanced, owned and happy and we came up with (and continue to) a game plan. I can have the physical release and the physical domination and the sting and sore ALL without being in trouble or feeling guilty!
Sometimes we use reset spankings/play and sometimes it’s called maintenance and other times it’s just balance. It doesn’t matter what we call it or what we use but I am not in trouble. Normally it takes between 1 to 2 hours and some times I get to orgasm at the end and sometimes I get ‘used’ and yet others nothing sexual at all. It’s physical, it’s HEAT and it’s HOT but it’s not trouble and it’s not tiresome. If you’re always in trouble, are you really learning or changing anything?
I still want to be corrected by Him if He sees fit but I would rather make sure I’m not in trouble and get my needs met otherwise then test and push to be sure He’s still with me. I think that if you test and push instead of speaking up you will end up with a DOM that feels like a domineering jerk, and they won’t like their place or want to continue, and you will inevitably feel let down and alone.
Talk, plan, be honest and be open, together …. a relationship takes two so be part of that two. Besides, in my opinion no real DOM will want to lead you without first knowing what your needs and wants really are! How else can they possibly do their job and keep you safe, satisfied and happy?
They might be dominant but they still can’t read your mind……
So when I said to Sir one night long ago that I was hoping He would have been more strict, He told me that He got what He wanted out of it, and He didn’t want to turn into a mindless jerk! He was right of course, …. that’s why He’s the Boss!
Love You Sir ❤