Ways of submitting – Mail order submissive??

This is more of a thinking out loud kind of thing than it is an information post. I read something a while back that got me thinking on the subject and since my holidays are coming to an end and I think it will be highly unlikely that I have time to write much until the new kids and schedule has the kinks (yes I went there!! lol ;P) worked out, I thought I’d take a few minutes to at least start to try to get this ‘down’.

The idea comes to me from the perspective of married couples (or committed) who started to practice BDSM and D/s long after the commitment was already made. Basically one partner will normally initiate the conversation and ask for the lifestyle after doing research or even practicing some but the second partner really has no knowledge or experience in it.

Most of the exposure I have had to this is from the submissive perspective and also the one initiating the dynamic, so keep that in mind … I am interested to see what the dominants or aspiring dominants out there think on this topic, as well as any submissives who want to chime in! 😉

Now my thoughts are that if you are just starting out in the D/s or similar dynamic and looking for a partner than you have your lists of things you look for, things you want and the way you wish your DOM or sub to act and react. When you are in an existing relationship and trying to make a transition I think things need to be a bit more of a compromise in order for it to work. Less of a fantasy in your mind and more of a real life scenario ….

From my experiences over the past few years I have seen and learned that the DOM we want or have pictured in our mind is not usually the one we end up with. Now this doesn’t mean it’s not real or not fulfilling, it’s just simply not that picture we had originally. The wants and needs of every DOM is different and the way in which they choose to lead is also different. What I have learned is that just because my original idea of what submitting to my husband looked like is not exactly the reality doesn’t mean it’s any less fulfilling or valid or of service.

So, how does this translate from the Dominant perspective? What if it’s the Dominant that has initiated and researched and become savvy in the dynamic but the submissive is the one who does not fit into the mental fantasy all worked out before hand? What if the needs of this particular submissive are different than the assumed needs the Dominant had all worked out in their minds?

One example that keeps hopping through my mind – some submissives are good at and want to anticipate the needs of the Dominant, they want and do and act in a way that has everything read and figured out a head of time so as to please their DOM. Others I have met prefer to have things spelled out exactly, lists of things to do, how to do them, how to act and even what to say in certain situations. Some like to have time lines and deadlines and others prefer to try and anticipate and outdo anything that the DOM might like or require even before the dominant has had a chance to think of it themselves.

So than, if the dominant asking the newly consented submissive ends up with someone who’s needs are different then what they anticipated does the dominant then not have the responsibility to compromise and provide for those needs first? I guess in my mind this is where the dominant takes charge, starts by providing for the needs of the submissive and then through guidance and training (consented to upfront of course) starts to mold the submissive into the creature that they have dreamed of and wanted …

Does the fact that your newly acquired submissive does not act and react they way you thought mean that they can’t do this to your liking or does it simply mean that you need to put YOUR preconceptions aside, work with what you have been gifted and slowly mold it into what you want.

I know that from my submissive side I had to put away my preconceptions and we slowly worked towards our end goal, not just mine. So what say you??

9 thoughts on “Ways of submitting – Mail order submissive??

  1. Thought provoking post as always! In my mind, if a Dominant is searching for a submissive and finds someone, he will either find one to his liking or train and mold her to serve him properly (the way he is accustomed to or prefers.) I feel when someone realizes they are or might be submissive, if they “present” a would-be Dominant with a list of their preferences, that might not go over well! It’s one thing to discuss what type of submissive they are/might be (service, DD/lg, s/m, role play only or scenes, a combination of those etc.) and their limits, and a totally different thing to say, this is what I want. What about the “l” word? Will the relationship include love? There’s a huge difference in negotiating and asking for leadership and demanding that your Dominant do x, y, or z.

    Demanding or even presenting a list of terms doesn’t actually sound very submissive. Let the Dominant be the guide, If he doesn’t have the desired experience then maybe he is not the one for you, but even then, Domination is always learned and they will make mistakes. My Master has apologized to me and I treasure those moments because it is when I see his true strength and wisdom.

    I too come from your perspective; we were married many years and I asked for the lifestyle. But I had known for many years I tended toward submissive even though due to Sir’s work I kind of “turned” dominant. I hated it and wanted him to be more present in my life. He was excited to do it. It hasn’t been easy for us as you know – I AM a rebel! But we are working it out. I do want to be good, pleasing and obedient although sometimes it’s difficult and my “old” self wants to break through. Sir deserves my attention and respect – he has given me everything and cherishes me. He isn’t close to anyone in his family and I am all he has aside from our daughter.

    I had preconceptions in that I enjoy other things in the lifestyle which he doesn’t (as much.) I hoped we would be doing more of those type of things, yet Sir is interested mostly in other things I am not. We have discussed it, but because I am his property now, I need to respectfully agree with what he desires. In my mind I know this is how it is. But a tiny part of me… well, she is still on the fence!

    Love your educational and intellectual writing!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I do love to read your comments, always so thoughtful! 😀 You’ve brought many points here and I do hope to get back to them in one way or another (future posts perhaps) but the first sentence hit my current thought right on the nose!

      “a Dominant is searching for a submissive and finds someone, he will either find one to his liking or train and mold her to serve him properly (the way he is accustomed to or prefers.)” – this to me indicates that if a Dominant picks a submissive He/She will then take the time to do the ‘training’ and not sit back and simply complain …. to me complaining instead of training/guiding is *vanilla*.

      Now I must be off to work! Hope you have a lovely day. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

  2. First, if consensual, then it is a relationship like any other. An aspiring dominant may very well lead and train a sub but that is entirely different from forcing your wishes on them. One fulfills a mutual desire and goal while the other is abuse and (possibly) rape.

    Also, given the imagery of the net, it is wise to have a firm view of the physical and mental limits that exist in the real world. Some things simply don’t go over well in the emergency room.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Some more very good points and ideas! Thank you C!

      Consent and mutual desire should never be taken for granted. Forcing your will (in a real sense not D/s consented sense) is not okay, certainly not in my book!

      A few more posts for me to ponder or rehash perhaps …. 😀


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