Instead of repeating myself ….

Thank you to everyone concerned and offering suggestions. I thought that instead of responding to each of you individually, since you were all saying a similar thing and my hands are aching, i’d do it here all at once.

You are each important and i’m not trying to make you feel like you are not, it’s just my physical state at the moment does not allow me to do things i’d like to do so please bear with me.

My boys are 16 and 18, they don’t need someone to watch them in order for us to get some alone time. Bear and i are often out together, we have plenty of time to talk and walk and enjoy each other’s company. That is not the current issue at hand honestly. I appreciate the offers to babysit! You guys really are something else *giggle* but i’m afraid it’s just not that easy.

My oldest is hardly ever at home but my youngest however only goes to school from 8 – 10:44 every morning (mostly) and then he is here. Some time ago, due to trauma he went through at school, he went through some major anxiety and panic attacks. It got so bad that he shut himself in the house for almost a year.

He refused to leave the house, no friends, no family, no holiday occasions … he could not walk out the door and certainly not without either me or Bear by his side. We are well on our way back to life, i can’t even begin to tell you what a relief that is, but he very rarely goes anywhere even now. Gramma’s house for the Walking Dead was the extent of it.

Before all of this started Bear and i used to take many more liberties. We would play and be mindful of the noise, but play regardless. It got to the point however that i could see a correlation between our play and my youngest having more anxiety and more panic attacks. Let me explain the theory …..

I am the ‘Warrior’, I am the one who ‘kicks @ss and asks questions later’ when it comes to the boys, their mental health and their needs. To see me as anything less than Xena is just not good for his mental health. The noise, the posturing, the sitting at the Bear’s feet, all the things we used to sneak in here and there became huge triggers.

Doors would slam, he would regress and shut himself into his room. Talking became less and grunts became more … for days. More days of missed school and the worry in his face was obvious.

I am a mother first and foremost, I will never do anything to damage my child, even at the expense of myself. I don’t think I need to explain that ….

So in a nut shell, we have plenty of date night time, we have plenty of talking time, we have plenty of other types of connection. What i don’t get is my BDSM time, for that i need privacy. W (my youngest) can’t realistically be sent out. It needs to be his want or it is not safe to push, not yet. 8 – 10:44 am, that’s all we can manage just yet. We are trying, believe me but not at the risk of his mental health.

I am a masochist, i need the pain to relax and rejuvenate. I need the endorphins to help with my chronic issues, i need it at a certain level that does not come quietly.

Bear needs spankings and maintenance just a much as i do, but that is noisy and a hotel room is not going to cut it. In my room or in the house anywhere will be heard. We just can’t take that chance. Weather aside we’ve even tried hiding out in the garage only to be met at the door on our way back in. Needless to say the ‘high’ was quickly lost replaced instead by worry!

The cane is just not the same, other methods of pain is not the same. If you have engaged in spankings you know that OTK is a type of connection that you really can’t imitate in other ways.

The further and further we get from any sort of spanking time, the further we get from doing anything else too ….

I need to yell, i need to scream, i need to fall exhausted at His feet. He needs me to as well. THAT is what we can’t seem to fit in and it’s messing with our heads and spirits.

Pandora’s box, we’ve openned it. Now …. now what do we do?

12 thoughts on “Instead of repeating myself ….

  1. Why don’t hotel rooms work? I’m neither a mother nor a psychologist but I know a lot about mental health from my own painful experiences and I can’t believe pretending you are someone you’re not (a warrior without any fear) can be the solution. As I understand it, one can only heal if we are met by a yes without any conditions by somebody. To give that the other one has to say yes to themselves without any conditions. So what am I trying to say? I think I would advise you to be more selfish.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s not pretending, I am the warrior, but even warriors need to rest. To put the weight down, even for just a few hours.

      That ‘my’ rest comes from having his father do these things is something hard to explain to my child who has his own demons to contend with.

      Hotel rooms don’t work simply because i’m much too loud! LoL BDSM is illegal and in a place where there are others roaming the halls you are bound to have someone hear and call the authorities.

      It’s not something i want to have to chance. I can manage, i just need to vent from time to time. When i was young i’d punch holes in the walls and mangle my hands, amongst other things …. now i refrain. The pain is my mental release. I have found a healthy way to do it, now i just need the time and space.

      I hope this makes sense Happy, and YES i am getting more selfish. *wink* I have had a good conversation, made some ‘demands’ and am having a better day already. *smiles* But feel free to remind me to be selfish from time to time, i need that!


      1. I think you live in Canada, right? Are you sure bdsm is illegal there? I can’t really believe that. Thought law is the western world is kinda similar and in Germany, as long as you consent, everything is fine…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have checked and from what i have seen and read technically it’s assault. You can’t consent to being assaulted so the law is against us …

        There is some discussion that you can argue it’s just ‘rough sex’ and not BDSM but one way or another the story would be out! The publicity would cost me my job for certain and His would be in jeopardy i’m sure. We are in a small, old school town.

        I had no idea either until i was discussing it with a BDSM friend who is a police officer. It was eye opening!


      3. Hm so maybe law in Canada is different. In Germany you only can’t consent manslaughter. But you can consent in somebody hurting you. I studied law and when we studied criminal law we actually talked about bdsm. But that might be a German thing. Maybe cause we’re all kinky haha

        Liked by 1 person

      4. LoL I’m afraid so! Maybe i should just move to Germany!! 😀

        I thought the same as you until i started looking. Most parts of the US are the same, not sure if people realize that.


      5. Me neither… Guess cause when you consent in it, you wouldn’t report your partner 😀


  2. One last thought. Is there a kink community anywhere near you? Some of these folks might have a play room they loan out to friends. You could still tell the boys you’re going out for the evening. Or an Airbnb is safer then a hotel because they are private homes or apartments leased out.
    Wishing you good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Angel! A b&b is a great idea, or something similar. We had actually planned on a trip some two years ago now but never made it due to the circumstances at home. This was a good reminder to try again! *smiles*


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