All the facts:

For some time now I have been writing on two sites. One for TPE ideas and issues and one for the rest of life. I think you know which this one is. My view was that not everyone who wants to read about my TPE with the Bear really cares about what the rest of my day holds. I have provided information on here about the other site and anyone interested has found it, but not many.

I have come to feel that some if not most of the information I need to write on here for the next little while won’t be understood in context if I don’t merge the two, at least a little from this side of the coin.

Obviously I am having some issues with the amount of stress relief/BDSM that we can practice at this time. What might not be clear is the why. It’s not that the Bear is slacking in His responsibility here towards me but it is that play time really is a very difficult thing to incorporate these days and I’d like to shed a least a little light as to why.

I have two boys at home, 15 and 17. Both have very high IQ’s and both suffering from mental health issues of one form or another. The youngest has panic disorder, anxiety and possibly a few other issues that have not been diagnosed because he refuses to go to the doctor, his anxiety levels will not let him.

Last May he had a major panic attack at school caused by one of his teachers, it was so severe that the school thought he had a seizure, he passed out in class.  His teacher was relentless in her abusive nature but just like his mom, my son tends to keep his feelings hidden and I had no idea how bad things really were until after the fact.

May and June were difficult to say the least with him missing more than 30 days of school. This past September he couldn’t make himself enter the classes. After a few weeks of trying and having to return home he just quit all together. He has been home since. Not just away from school but away from everything and everyone. He finally left the house, once in December to go to the movies with friends …

At this same time anything resembling BDSM or TPE rituals became huge triggers for him. I used to take many more liberties when things were okay but all of a sudden anything that put me in a less than Warrior light made him wig out (real medical term, i know!) Any noise from impact play was all of a sudden very obvious and the reactions to that knowledge from the boy(s) became more and more intense. We couldn’t even sneak out to the garage anymore because of fear of being found out. The mental well-being of the boys is our responsibility and no matter how much we miss our connection we will not have it at the expense of their mental health.

I say ‘their’ because the oldest is having issues as well, similar issues. He was in school this year but also has been suffering from anxiety and after some unfortunate run ins with his teachers, depression. Two years ago he started medications for thoughts of suicide, they have helped and he feels much better but the adults in his life have once again let him down. He has been home since November. He used to want to go to Harvard, and it was certainly a possibility … now a days he doesn’t even want to finish high school.

In a nut shell, outside of a few “Waking Dead” episodes that they go to Gramma’s to watch the house is never empty and we are never alone. Any noise is noticed and negatively affects the boys and rituals like sitting at Sir’s feet or wearing a more obvious collar are noticed.

Things I need in order to reach that space my mind craves are usually very loud, the eruption of energy that it releases is also very loud, and none of it is possible. Leaving the house to vacation, even for just an overnight is not possible right now either. I/We are the thing that keeps the boys centered and ‘okay’. If we leave the house for more than a couple of hours the calls and texts begin …. where are you, when are you coming home, will you be much longer …..

We joke that ‘our parents’ are worried but it’s no joke at all in the real sense.

Other highlights:

• I am more or less estranged from my parents
• I am being asked a lot of health/family history questions that I have no answer for
• the police have been at the door twice in 3 months in regards to the oldest
• second semester starts in less than 2 weeks and I’m really not sure if they will make it in this time
• my brother is out-of-town for work, his ex is on cocaine and he needs help with his son
• my brother relies on me to help and guide him too, our parents did quite a number on us
• add all the physical issues I have always had, and the stress is making ALL of them much, much worse

I am the dominant force in their lives trying to fix this, I am the one home. The Bear is the dominant force in my life keeping me together but the BDSM i crave to keep my head clear is just seeming like the impossible dream. Without an outlet for my stress my body is rebelling.

At this stage I am in pain throughout 80% to 90% of my body all day, every day. I don’t sleep well and my mind is on a constant ‘run’ cycle. Although there are physical issues at play, the reason for the constant unbearable flare-ups are basically stress.

This is where we stand, and I’m really not sure what to do about it. Our D/s connection is strong as ever but the BDSM i need to decompress is gone. I am not an emotional person, I don’t act out but my body is paying the price for that.

I never used to rely on BDSM but now i do. Just a hopeless masochist. For me BDSM is not about sex, it’s about something entirely different, my sanity.

Perhaps now this makes just a bit more sense to you all.