i blame BDSM and the kinky community!

In life there are so many people and so many ideas and so many sensitivities.

So many mental health and even physical health issues that you hear about or are experiencing or are close to someone who is … etc etc

We all hear this idea of understanding, don’t we. We hear this idea of ‘everybody experiences things differently’ and so on. And we try to understand, and we try to listen and hear and just get an idea of what exactly it is that seems to make them feel it so much differently, but it’s hard to get, isn’t it?

Well i get it now, at least i think i’m closer to getting it now!

I used to try and understand and be supportive but i admit that my pragmatic brain had a very hard time making it make sense, to me. I got it in theory but in reality ….. it just seemed so far away.

Enter BDSM and kink and the venture into the community! I started to read and see the feelings, the experience, the way one action could be felt in such a different way from one person to another. I also got to experience it first hand!

Some things that i read others hated i just was so comfortable and turned on by i almost hesitate to write this!! LoL Other things that were said to be just the most intense … well, i felt not much at all. Things that some felt were ‘bleh’ i had the most extreme reactions too!

So now, when i speak to someone or read something or try to understand what my child is going through, i get it! I understand that what i find common place can be something that sends his anxiety into a tail spin. I understand that just because the comment someone made rolled off my back it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt or offend someone else.

I get it! I really do have an understanding of how it feels and how it can be so different, even if the situation and action was the same for multiple people. The outcome can be different, and it must be respected!

So I get it, really get it in a way that I don’t think i would have the depth of feeling in if not for our fore into the BDSM and kinky community.

So yes, i blame BDSM and i blame the community … so thank you! *wink*

Of multitasking, stress and spankings …

If you are like most women i know, you multitask. You do it at work, you do it at home, you do it with your friends. It has been researched and documented from time to time, that’s the way our minds work.

I’m not saying that men don’t have stress, that would be ridiculous, but i don’t think you need to look very far to see that generally it’s the females in your circles that take on more of the ‘things that need doing’ stress in the day to day. None of it is ‘more’ or ‘less’ either, so don’t send me comments that everyone has stress and no one more than the other, i know.

Being more likely to do more than one thing at a time means that we stress about multiple issues at once as well, we just do it differently. In your basic relationship it’s generally the female that is stressed out and possibly agitated, is it not?

This probably explains why more often than not when you hear of a ‘spanking’ relationship it’s the female getting spanked and the male doing the spanking. This is all based on a traditional relationship, i’m well aware that there are many different types of relationships but i am only musing on one, like mine, specifically. 

In a previous post i explained how a spanking/punishment scenario could be used but now i’d like to muse on spanking for stress release. It was something the previous post touched on so here goes!

One possible reason for incorporating spankings into your life/dynamic and one reason we tend to do better after ‘maintenance or punishments’ or whatever you want to frame it as, is because it works with the chemicals in your body.

A spanking done properly (this depends on the person, no two are exactly alike so you need to experiment and find your ‘sweet spot’ but there is a lot of good info out there to get you started) will help to relax your body, release negative energy, calm your muscles and your mind.

If you find a rhythm and intensity that works for you the pain very quickly turns into something else. Your body starts to release endorphins that really do make you ‘feel good’ and not in pain or uncomfortable like you might think. Increasing the intensity will increase the effect but again, this is a very personal reaction that requires a very personal approach. It may not be exactly the same each time either, as a female i find that the time of month makes a big difference and as someone with chronic illness the intensity might be a toss up from day to day!

The point is that spankings done in this context are not painful, not really. They are relaxing and in fact very enjoyable, especially the side effects. If you are one of the lucky ones, a good spanking alone can lead to a very intense orgasm! *wink* Personally i have found these to be some of the most intense ones i have experienced and no other stimulation was needed.

I understand that it may seem odd to those who have never tried it, but the fact is that there are many reasons why we enjoy this type of play. This physical reaction is just one very basic reason why it works. Doing it on a schedule/’maintenance’, helps to keep those good things working and it’s why we seem to ‘spiral’ when we don’t get it.

At least this has been my experience, and so too of the few ladies i have had the pleasure of getting to know.

What about you, if you have a similar relationship, do you find these things hold true for you as well?

 

Punishments, funishments, rules and regulations …

This is a bit of a complicated subject and i’m hoping to get my point across in the most simple of terms. I know there are plenty of nuances here so if i confuse, feel free to ask. i’m not trying to offend anyone but i do have a very specific way of looking at this topic.

Personally i don’t believe that punishments are a very effective way of changing behaviour, they are however an effective way of feeling and maintaining a power exchange relationship. Some people include it in their dynamic and some don’t, the choice is yours and i’m not trying to tell anyone how they ‘should’ be.

To me the way to elicit change is not through punishment but instead through conversation, communication, a deep dive into the action you are trying to change and the real reason why it happens. Are there cycles or triggers? Those are the things that need to be identified before you can start to make a change.

Once you have this knowledge you can then start to put into place guidelines, rules and regulations to help manage that behaviour. Come to an understanding as to why this is important to you and set a goal.

Now many a submissive also tends to be on the perfectionist side. We tend to be very hard on ourselves and expect miracles …. yeah, that’s not how human nature works, is it? Even if you are lucky enough to manage to escape your perfectionism as a submissive one of the worst things that can happen is that you let down your dominant.

When something happens that falls into that category of let down, that’s when punishment comes into play in my view. But not right away! Again communication comes first, explore the why it happened and what if anything needs to be changed to try to manage it for next time. Only then should/could a punishment be considered.

In my experience the effectiveness of a punishment is not to change behaviour but instead to allow for closure and to move forward! It allows the submissive to forgive themselves and allows the power exchange to once again be established and flourish. Many a masochist will tell you that spankings are not effective as punishments and in a sense i agree but when done in this light, well my experience is that it does work.

It’s cathartic, it’s obvious and it allows for the release of the guilty energy so that you can get back to each other instead of away.

… to be continued, thoughts?

Blue Trees (a re-blog)

This is a copy and paste from my dear friend, Kitten. Not what i normally post on this site but it is too important not to share! I know mental health has affected my family, support is important.

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There is a terrible disease of gum trees in Australia called die back and it is a growing problem in the Australian bush. The remnants stand as silent grey sentinels as monuments to what we are losing. One day I was given this picture of a dead tree with die back and the stark contrast of the bright blue made it stand out from it’s surrounding.

I thought it was a one off, an attempt to jazz up something that simply stood for loss. Something about it was haunting and I had to look it up on the computer and I was shocked to find what it was all about.

There is a group in Australia called ‘Beyond Blue’ that you can contact to get help and someone to talk to with regards to depression. I expect there are dozens of groups like them all over the world.

Now what do blue trees and Beyond Blue have in common? Well it seems, quite a lot. People are painting dead trees blue if they know of someone that died as a result of depression or have fought against the disease. I found it so touching I had to share it with my blogging friends as I know they might find it interesting.

I also think it is such a great cause it might be nice to spread the word across the world.

As this post is so very important you can copy and paste it to your own blog. I don’t need recognition for it.

Depression is a silent killer and the only way to defeat it is by seeking help. Take a stance and vow that not one more person should die as a result of this disease. Reach out to those you think might be depressed and simply say, ‘Are you ok?’

If you, or someone you know needs help, please seek medical help, or encourage them to do the same. I am certain if you google ‘depression’ on your computer you will find help. There will be places you can phone, all you need do is reach out. I believe the Samaritans still have phone lines and help people through a bad time.

Depression is a physical as well as a  mental disorder and you are not alone in this. It is nothing to be ashamed of or something that needs hiding. A problem shared is a problem halved. Look I could quote all of these cliches but it boils down to please seek help.

kitten

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Oh, now that looks interesting! *grin*

I found something new, I’m interested in showing The Bear and seeing what He thinks of it. It’s not exactly completely new in regards to the actions BUT the idea of how and why is, at least it is new to us.

I can think of many benefits and i can also think of many parallels to things we already do in D/s and BDSM.

I’m absolutely not interested in trying it outside of my marriage but ……. with my partner, i’m hoping He agrees! *grin*

(Video is explicit – Warning )

Anyone familiar with this?

Do you incorporate it into your dynamic?

Have you found it to be beneficial?

Personally i think of it as much like edging only without the ‘O’ being the focus, now or later even. It’s more about releasing happy chemicals and lower stress levels without the need for impact play and all the time and noise that it brings. We all know that noise is a factor around here! UGH

I’m putting this one under personal female sexual health and welfare. I’ve said before, chastity is not a thing for me but this might be! *wink* Wish me luck!! *giggle*

I also have a feeling that the connection and need to be with each other is also going to strengthen ….. guess we’ll see.

Oh Yes, and Happy New Year everyone! ❤

Making concessions – a ramble and a story – a rambling story! LoL

It’s Christmas time and with that comes lots of stress and running for most. Errands, plans, gifts and get togethers …. it’s a never-ending ride. Not to mention the cleaning and decorating and getting ready for guests. Oh my!

When i was young i hated the Christmas season. To much ado about nothing if you asked me. The running and showing off for the sake of others made me shiver in distaste. You see, when my parents moved from their home to here they had money to spare, once they got here however language barriers and racism made things difficult.

We got to the point that there really wasn’t much to go around but for some reason they felt the need to ‘keep up appearances’. Neither of my parents are good with money or budgets, that didn’t help. I don’t think I need to explain where that ended up.

They had also decided that my youngest brother was ‘a good singer’, he was going to be ‘somebody’ some day. For some reason it’s around Christmas time that I remember the hours and days of them forcing him to sing and practice and show off to others, even though he was shy and hated every minute! You didn’t dare disappoint the parents though ….

Once I got my own home and family, and after a couple of years of watching the Bear’s family and distancing myself from mine, Christmas turned into a big deal for me. I would spend hours on the decorating of the tree alone. Weeks in preparation for new cookie and dessert recipes to make, everything was over the top and ‘just so’.

When the kids got big enough i had ‘my’ tree and they had theirs to decorate. Eventually when they got bigger still they would move things an ‘my’ tree to see how long it would take me to notice once i walked in the room. I always noticed instantly BTW! 😛

Eventually though I got to the point that i really wanted nothing to do with decorating, or gifts or baking. NOTHING to do with any of it. I’m sure peri-menopause had a lot to do with that, my mood would sometimes just be down in the dumps no matter how i tried to bounce out of it. It was no use, i was just not caring …. about anything really.

At that point i no longer wanted a tree, or anything to do with Christmas at all. The Bear insisted on having a tree and would bring one home every year. Every year i would do my best to put on a happy face and decorate, for Him. I no longer did the rest of the house, that was decorated for winter and He agreed, but the tree He wanted. *shrug* Okay ….

A couple of years ago He finally conceded, for me. I no longer spend weeks looking for recipes, i no longer decorate for Christmas at all. Most gifts are just money anyway, all the family kids are too big to want reasonable gifts and i’m not buying anyone a cell phone or Xbox one …

My mood bounced back after some time but my want to make Christmas a big deal never has. I’m not stopping anyone from doing it i just have no desire to do it myself. He gave it a couple of years but after seeing no change in me He decided to let it go.

He might have all the control in this dynamic but that doesn’t mean that my thoughts and feelings on a thing are irrelevant, and sometimes they even trump His.

I dare say that if we were in any other relationship this might have turned into a yearly fight instead. Here though it’s just Him taking care of me, even when the ‘thing’ is not His first choice.

Our trial run, so far.

We are a good way through our trial run of the new additions to our regular routine. A couple of things have been ‘bumped up’ a bit to add to our dynamic and over all feel of D/s. So far so good, but we have had to make a few changes without delay …. such is life, right?

We wanted a trial run to see if it was actually feasible and i think we picked probably the busiest time of year to try it!! *chuckle* We didn’t really take that into consideration but it has certainly shown us the worst case scenario, time wise and for extras added on top of regular day-to-day stuff!

I guess if it works now it should work pretty much any time. It was tempting to ask for more in the beginning but i’m glad i kept my suggestions simple. *smiles* Some days Sir adds more and some days, when we are both exhausted it stays simple. Either way i feel the connection is made obvious and it also has a built-in time slot for turning an everyday conversation into a power exchange one.

I like that it makes things ‘settled’ for me and shows Him exactly what i might need clarification on.

I also like that He is the one to initiate both of these things, it makes me feel like ‘me’ and ‘this dynamic’ are important enough to put energy into, plus i see the look in His eyes! 😉  The look that says ‘I’m doing this because you are Mine and that’s all the reason I need’!

The physical positioning of these things fuels His dominance, the fact that He’s the one ‘speaking it’ fuels my submission. Doing it even when i’m too tired, distracted or not ‘in the mood’, well that just reinforces it for both of us!

I’m not saying that it’s not welcome, i’m not often ‘not ready’, but some times aches and pains or exhaustion does come into play. Thinking about getting into or holding a position until He joins me might feel daunting at times BUT those are the days that i appreciate His consistency the most. Those are the days that prove to both of us that this is more than just a game, that we are both invested even when it doesn’t feel so sexy or ‘hot’!

Those are the days that i ultimately find the most comfort in submitting to Him. That’s when i need Him in control the most. 😀

Happy Wednesday! ❤

 

Self care, something many of us talk about but really don’t do much of.

Mental health and self-care is a huge topic right now. Experts and online resources as well as tv shows all geared towards helping you understand the concept and realize its value. We hear it, agree with it and promise to treat ourselves better but do we?

When i was young i was terrible at this, the main reasons were simple, guilt and martyrdom. I was always striving to be perfect because the way i was raised nothing else was good enough. My narcissistic parents would pit us one against the other and make it clear that we reflected on their worth. There was no way less than perfect was good enough …. *shrug*

Being the stubborn bunny that i am this actually helped me build a good amount of self-worth and self-esteem, not what you would expect, i know. I built myself up but it was by being there and helping my brothers and other family members deal with the craziness that was life. Eventually that went on to become me helping others everywhere and trying to save the world! Ah, the good old days …. *smirk*

Not too much pressure there at all, eh? Just the entire world, how hard can it be?

You might think i’m joking but i’m not. I felt a responsibility to help and ‘save’ everyone that I came in contact with. It worked well for those people, they came and went into my life like a revolving door. People wold use me for what they needed and once back on their feet they were gone again.

I never asked for anything in return and most people are just fine with obliging. I admit a thank you would have been nice but truth is if i got anything at all it was usually anger for pointing out the problem. Most of those would carry on and eventually see i was right and fix their issue. Some would come back, never apologizing for their actions but supposing i would help them some more. This still happens from time to time, but i just let it roll off my back now.

When my kids came around i decided no one else was going to get my attention if a) they didn’t deserve it and b) if they didn’t want to be helped anyway. Many people simply enjoy living in misery, they don’t want to change and i’m done with martyring myself over it.

Ah, see there it is. I felt in order to be able to look myself in the mirror and be happy with who i saw i needed to keep ‘fighting the good fight’ for others regardless of the consequences to me.  This might sound romantic and kind but it is a very dangerous mindset to have. It breaks you down and leaves you with nothing for yourself.

When there is nothing left in you, there is nothing left to give your loved ones either. Think about that, how much is the guilt and martyring worth? Is it more important than having attention and energy left for those people in your life that do care and cherish you?

Why is this on the D/s site you ask, because many of us decided that the care we need should be over seen and thought up by our dominants. They should make rules and regulations to keep us in line and on track. They should be responsible for our ‘self care’.

So we sit back and we wait. Guilt because we don’t want to take the lead, or because we can’t give it to ourselves and martyring because a good submissive does what the dom wants, not what she/he needs.

It’s called ‘self care’ for a reason, it is not given by someone else no matter how much they care and love us. It’s not their job or responsibility, it’s ours. They can help and they can support us but in the end it really is something we need to accept and give ourselves.

That’s when our self-worth starts to grow.  When we give ourselves that right, that time and care then we start to heal and grow. But you need to take that first scary as h3ll step and say ‘ME’, i’m doing this for me, and it’s okay.

It doesn’t make me selfish, it doesn’t make me entitled. It makes me stronger and it helps me heal. Only then can i really help others.

Only then I can truly be His anyway.

Happy Sunday! ❤

 

Inner demons

Being shackled in His chains helps me to control the demons I have had to cage inside.

The tighter He binds me, the less the demons can over take my mind.

The stronger His control over my body, the stronger my control over my mind.

His chains give me shelter, they provide me with rest,

So that i might fight another day.

That’s my reason for bondage,

That’s my BDSM.

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*** inspired by reading The Lonely Author ***

 

 

Go out dear(s) …. I’ll pay!

OYE! My child …..

My oldest has been giving me a run for my money, for a while …… and now again. UGH

Our play time has been pushed off and interrupted more times than i can count and impact/spankings (maintenance) just to keep things going have also been impossible! There is always someone around, noise is an issue obviously so best laid plans get set aside, again and again.

No O’s that are ‘the one’, no play and no spankings ….

I have been ‘on’ constantly for over a month now, my time has been spent running and emailing and phone calling. Planning and prepping and explaining ….. two boys, two sets of issues makes for a very busy rabbit!

The world has been such a whirlwind lately that I’m leaving heads spinning in my wake. Managing one or two issues at a time and making sure everyone gets what they need. Well, everyone but me.

I don’t get grumpy or impatient when I am in control, I don’t lose my temper or freak out. I don’t stress outwardly at all …. my body pays the price, nothing or no one else.

My muscles are stiff and my chronic pain gets exaggerated. Neck and shoulders tense and the pain shoots up my neck and down my spine. My arms are going numb and now, I have chest pains ….. I keep my stress on the inside, can you tell?? *chuckle*

** Don’t worry, it’s not a heart attack or stroke, it’s just me. **

My oldest gets frustrated and overwhelmed and he likes to lash out at me, and that’s what he’s doing right now. I’m holding my ground and keeping myself reasonable and responsible but ……  it is getting tempting to tell him RIGHT WHERE TO GO, too! *chuckle* I won’t, don’t worry, but a girl can dream can’t she??

So in the mean time, and while i wait patiently ……  if only they would leave the house!