Ouch!

I’ve been in a lot of pain for a very long time. Today however, the pain is when i sit – and due to other issues all together!! *raspberries*

It has reminded me of the importance of proper skin care as well! Dry skin can lead to paddle rash, a thing i assure you, you don’t want!

I’m pretty well covered in bruises, something i don’t normally have. When we take the time to warm up slowly the bruises are on the inside (deep tissue) not outside but with little time and much enthusiasm … oh well! *wink*

I’m not sure if it was all too fast, or if i’m just dealing with too much other stuff right now but i don’t seem to have gotten the normal ‘floaty’ calm that usually accompanies some play. *shrug*

Just musing ….

Happy Monday! ❤

It binds us.

We’ve started adding more play (kink) to our lives again and we’ve even managed to add some impact!

Recently we got to play with the floggers, as well as some new toys that we had decided to order in the spring!

He remembered to add some bondage … for my sake mostly. It helps with my mental space, quiets things in my head. He likes it too, i’m sure of that, but with the lack of opportunity lately (years) it can be easy to just ‘skip ahead’ and forget to add all the layers that really do make it something even more special to experience. For us anyway …

We are taking a chance i know, with the youngest still at home and well, stuck! It’s not like there is anywhere to go right now with everyone cautious over Covid 19. So far i haven’t noticed any changes in him or his mental health so we move forward and cross our fingers! Our play used to be a bit of a trigger for his anxiety, not that we make it a ‘thing’ but at 18 i’m sure he can guess some of the things he overhears from time to time!

What i do notice – still notice – is that when we get to play i miss Him more when He is not here. It binds us …

 

It somehow mimics the energy and feelings one gets when you are in a new relationship. He is constantly hovering in my mind.

Happy hump day! ❤ *smiles*

 

Today’s mood/inspiration ….! *wink*

I’m officially off work now. Bear on the other hand is still working, BUT He has also been working on being more present (even when he’s not here) in the BDSM D/s sense.

You can see what He’s doing to me!!! *raspberries* Darn Bears!!

Hope you are all well and keeping safe! ❤

Some personal truths

BDSM and impact play keep me ‘sexy’, sexy keeps me interested in intimacy.

I read somewhere that the true (yes, take that with a grain of salt) definition of a masochist is someone who gets no sexual satisfaction without pain.

For some time now I’ve had no interest in sex and it’s mainly to do with the fact that we have NO opportunity for BDSM and impact play.

Maybe that’s a bit of a misstatement, I am interested in sex I’m just not in the slightest turned on.

Once in a very long while when He gets a chance and I get the slightest bit of pain, like a quick swat on the butt, there is a charge of energy that flows …. and all of a sudden these little bunny ears perk up. I know it’s pretty much the same for Him.

Once in a while when He has the energy and thought to add a bit of naughty dominance to my day, same thing, the bunny ears start paying attention at least for a moment.

Without the impact play, bondage or kink, i’m simply not interested in sex.

Yes sure He is still the Dom and i’m still His submissive, sure if He wanted something from me He could have it but that’s not really the way it’s suppose to feel, is it? So he hasn’t ‘asked’ for anything because He’s just as off as i am.

I know that your sexual impulses ebb and flow just like everything else in life but i can’t help but think that i’m much more likely to be ‘flowing’ LoL if we had the opportunity to play.

My sexual impulses are linked to my masochism and His are linked to His sadism.

Fine kettle of fish we’ve gotten ourselves into ….

You try not to stress, but life doesn’t seem to get the memo!

We were hoping to get an hour to ourselves Friday afternoon, you know an hour where we could actually make some noise! Well the youngest is having a bit of a hard time lately and decided he wasn’t going to school Friday afternoon after all!

His mental health is important, no doubt about that, but doing certain things is important for MY mental health too. And the Bear …. it’s not just about being kinky, it’s about managing stress as well.

The truck also needed to be looked at again, it was leaking fluid. Ends up it’s the transmission … so yeah $$$$$

The washer decided it has finally had enough, new one should be here today .. $$$$$

The car needs back brakes …. $$$$$

The oldest is finally back in school but not yet in college so funds we put aside are not yet accessible BUT he spends most of his time at his GF’s so we pay for groceries off and on …. $$$$$

Everyone around here is having a hard time so half of the families i did work with/for are off, which means my income has dropped again. I was already at 75% lower than i should be …. so more lost $$$$$

All of this in the past 30 days.

Oh, and let’s not forget Christmas!

So yeah, those 50 minutes or so are important once a week.

 

 

What kind of submissive are you?

I’m thinking back over things i have read and people i have known, conversations … One thing that became very clear with time was that there are many different kinds of submissives. None better or more committed, simply different.

I’m not even going to attempt to cover them all, or all the nuances, that would simply be too much to cover in one post. I have been thinking of just a few ideas that are on very different ends of the submissive spectrum.

Keep in mind that this train of thought/post is all very general in nature … so here we go!

Some time ago i read a post by a friend that covered the idea that her submission was very much linked to her sexuality/sex.  I don’t think that’s a very odd idea at all, i think it may be more common place than she might have thought.

I think one ‘type’ would be a sex/BDSM submissive, like what she was talking about. This is where i fit and i’ll be back to this at the end.

Next i guess i would consider the ‘spanko‘. To me this is where spankings for poor behaviour and maintenance are used as a method to tap into the submissive feelings and to help stay there. It may or may not include other forms of kink but the thing keeping the dynamic flowing is primarily spanking. DD would fall very nicely into this category i would think. (Yes there is much more to be said, like i mentioned – very general.)

For me, spankings alone don’t do it, even when we did have the opportunity to do so. They help certainly but it’s just not the same. It begins to feel more like a game or a chore than submissive. I don’t get in trouble, i’m too much of a ‘dominant type’ in life to allow it of myself, doesn’t leave much for Him to correct! 😛 

The last i’m going to muse about would be the service submissive. This could be anything from domestic duties to sexual service and all things in between. What or how the submissive serves is much less important than the fact that they are serving and getting noticed or even rewarded for it. Being of service and doing a good job of it is the main objective, to please and be pleasing.

Again, it doesn’t do it for me. I am constantly of service but it comes more from my dominant side than it does from anything submissive feeling. I serve and continue to serve because it’s my duty, because i excepted responsibility for things/kids/husband/house/job etc. etc. and to not live up to my commitments is simply not in my wheelhouse.

I always go above and beyond and watch over everyone in my world, not to do so would make me absolutely bonkers!! If anything, being His submissive makes me take on less, not more. I don’t do it to be noticed or pleasing, i do it because i know no other way …. i could go on but i did say ‘general’. LoL  

I would consider myself a sexual/BDSM submissive. The thing that keeps me tapped into that warm subby glow, that calm relaxed vibe, the ‘yum’ of being His is sex and BDSM. Without those two things on a fairly regular bases i really do lose that submissive feeling. (For the record, i don’t think kinky sex and BDSM are the same and they do not need to happen together.)

 

Now i still do what i need to do, take care of all the regular tasks/chores, mind my manners and act respectfully BUT i do that anyway!

What i don’t do is rely on Him for much, i tap back into my own natural flow, especially when things get hectic and busy, and i rely on myself to get things done and organized. I take on the responsibilities, the planning, the weight and the stress …. i do it alone and i carry on. If you are like me, a sex/BDSM submissive, do you find this to be true as well??

Personality aside (brat/little/pet) what kind of submissive are you???

What is a ‘scene’?

** to us of course, everyone has their own needs and wants.

After the beginning of an interesting conversation, this topic just hasn’t left my mind. The only way to clear it for me is, you guessed it, write it out!

The Bear and i don’t do role playing, it just doesn’t work for us. When we are engaged in BDSM we need it all to be real, to be authentic in order for it to be comfortable for us. Some like to play around with different situations and scenarios and that’s a personal choice, but just not ours.

Sometimes we play around to fulfill His needs, i enjoy that because it gives me a real sense of submission and a sense of serving Him. Just as spanking and impact play frees me from the stress of the every day, impact play frees His stress too. It’s always consensual and yes, there have been times when i have told Him that i just wasn’t ready or ‘up to it’. The choice of how to proceed was His of course but never has He insisted when my mind or body wasn’t up to it. That’s what makes Him a dominant, not the idea of making someone do something they clearly don’t want, but anyway ….

Sometimes we play to fulfill my needs. Just as spanking by hand or by paddle etc. builds endorphins and helps to free stressful energy, so too does a flogger on my back or legs, a cane on the more private and intimate places etc. The build up of energy is the same, the sensations of relaxation or pain/pleasure mix are the same just in a different spot. I find it all encompassing and it relaxes my entire body, not just my backside! *giggle*

When we have the opportunity to play ‘well’ i’m usually left floaty (subspace) and not really able to function on my own. Aftercare is where He now takes me to bed, or a warm safe space where i can rest, have water and warm up. A ‘good’ scene will bring the chemicals in my body to a certain state where i need to physically ‘come down’ from. This normally involves thirst, cooling of my body giving me the chills, and more often then not the re-balancing of chemicals will give me the shakes.

Sometimes sex is involved but most often it’s something that happens after IF i’m able and ready. My state takes priority over anything He may want at this stage and if sex needs to wait then He will make that call. Normally after a short rest i’m more than ready but you just never know!

Everything we do is because we enjoy it, it’s for a reason and serves a purpose. We don’t pretend that i’ve been captured or that i’m a naughty school girl. That is just not part of our kink. Just as spanking serves a purpose for some, the play we engage in provides a respite and a refresh before having to take on the world once more.

BDSM is my spa day! 😉 Anyone else …. ??

Of multitasking, stress and spankings …

If you are like most women i know, you multitask. You do it at work, you do it at home, you do it with your friends. It has been researched and documented from time to time, that’s the way our minds work.

I’m not saying that men don’t have stress, that would be ridiculous, but i don’t think you need to look very far to see that generally it’s the females in your circles that take on more of the ‘things that need doing’ stress in the day to day. None of it is ‘more’ or ‘less’ either, so don’t send me comments that everyone has stress and no one more than the other, i know.

Being more likely to do more than one thing at a time means that we stress about multiple issues at once as well, we just do it differently. In your basic relationship it’s generally the female that is stressed out and possibly agitated, is it not?

This probably explains why more often than not when you hear of a ‘spanking’ relationship it’s the female getting spanked and the male doing the spanking. This is all based on a traditional relationship, i’m well aware that there are many different types of relationships but i am only musing on one, like mine, specifically. 

In a previous post i explained how a spanking/punishment scenario could be used but now i’d like to muse on spanking for stress release. It was something the previous post touched on so here goes!

One possible reason for incorporating spankings into your life/dynamic and one reason we tend to do better after ‘maintenance or punishments’ or whatever you want to frame it as, is because it works with the chemicals in your body.

A spanking done properly (this depends on the person, no two are exactly alike so you need to experiment and find your ‘sweet spot’ but there is a lot of good info out there to get you started) will help to relax your body, release negative energy, calm your muscles and your mind.

If you find a rhythm and intensity that works for you the pain very quickly turns into something else. Your body starts to release endorphins that really do make you ‘feel good’ and not in pain or uncomfortable like you might think. Increasing the intensity will increase the effect but again, this is a very personal reaction that requires a very personal approach. It may not be exactly the same each time either, as a female i find that the time of month makes a big difference and as someone with chronic illness the intensity might be a toss up from day to day!

The point is that spankings done in this context are not painful, not really. They are relaxing and in fact very enjoyable, especially the side effects. If you are one of the lucky ones, a good spanking alone can lead to a very intense orgasm! *wink* Personally i have found these to be some of the most intense ones i have experienced and no other stimulation was needed.

I understand that it may seem odd to those who have never tried it, but the fact is that there are many reasons why we enjoy this type of play. This physical reaction is just one very basic reason why it works. Doing it on a schedule/’maintenance’, helps to keep those good things working and it’s why we seem to ‘spiral’ when we don’t get it.

At least this has been my experience, and so too of the few ladies i have had the pleasure of getting to know.

What about you, if you have a similar relationship, do you find these things hold true for you as well?

 

Most definitely not fair! – (a kink post)

***** In case you are not interested in the more ‘impactful’ parts of my relationship, this post is not for you.

I had a pretty awful sleep last night and it turns out that it was all for not! Let me explain, with both kids in school, finally, i find myself starting to daydream of things, naughty kinky things!

Last night it occurred to me that Bear and i may actually have a few moment at home, alone! before either of us need to be anyway or do something. It has been a long time since that has happened and i’ve known in advance!

This bunny brain went into full imaginative mode! Now, i’m very much over waiting in a corner and thinking He is going to read my mind or know instinctively what i need. Once we start playing it seems to go that way but in the day to day … well He and i are still only human, no matter our dynamic.

So over and over i wake with new ideas. I know what He likes to see, my thought was to ask for some spanking time that i know we both need. Some time when noise is not an issue and the feel and connection takes first place in our minds! But, i wasn’t going to ask in words ….

Thoughts of positions He enjoys start floating through my head, collars and cuffs and the toys He enjoys best. I smell the leather, i hear the yelps … i can almost feel His grin. How Evil!!

I can feel His hand on my skin, rubbing and soothing and His voice husky and low … ummm, needless to say not much sleep was forthcoming!

My mind skips to the time before hand, the time i will set myself up and wait when He enters the house. I can hear Him walking through the house and wondering where i might be.  Eventually, slowly beginning the walk up the stairs.. By now He will have a smile on His face guessing that i’m up to something!

I can feel the energy change as He walks in the room. My breath catches and i slowly exhale trying not to make a sound. I wait patiently for His touch now, His signal that He is happy with my submission and understands my request. The implements will be neatly placed in a tray on His chair.

His hand starts to caress my skin …

“Good girl, nijntje ….” i can hear Him now.

***** ***** *****

And this morning i get up, very tired from my eventful night *smirk* to find out that my youngest wants a ride home at 1 pm. He won’t be going to his last class today due to some issues that conflict with his personality disorder and his teacher has already provided him with the work he will miss. It’s a done deal!

Bear gets home at around 1:20 pm, the youngest was supposed to be in school til 2:15 pm.

It was a small window but one i was planning on taking full advantage of, if He allowed it of course. Oh well …

Happy Friday All! ❤

Punishments, funishments, rules and regulations …

This is a bit of a complicated subject and i’m hoping to get my point across in the most simple of terms. I know there are plenty of nuances here so if i confuse, feel free to ask. i’m not trying to offend anyone but i do have a very specific way of looking at this topic.

Personally i don’t believe that punishments are a very effective way of changing behaviour, they are however an effective way of feeling and maintaining a power exchange relationship. Some people include it in their dynamic and some don’t, the choice is yours and i’m not trying to tell anyone how they ‘should’ be.

To me the way to elicit change is not through punishment but instead through conversation, communication, a deep dive into the action you are trying to change and the real reason why it happens. Are there cycles or triggers? Those are the things that need to be identified before you can start to make a change.

Once you have this knowledge you can then start to put into place guidelines, rules and regulations to help manage that behaviour. Come to an understanding as to why this is important to you and set a goal.

Now many a submissive also tends to be on the perfectionist side. We tend to be very hard on ourselves and expect miracles …. yeah, that’s not how human nature works, is it? Even if you are lucky enough to manage to escape your perfectionism as a submissive one of the worst things that can happen is that you let down your dominant.

When something happens that falls into that category of let down, that’s when punishment comes into play in my view. But not right away! Again communication comes first, explore the why it happened and what if anything needs to be changed to try to manage it for next time. Only then should/could a punishment be considered.

In my experience the effectiveness of a punishment is not to change behaviour but instead to allow for closure and to move forward! It allows the submissive to forgive themselves and allows the power exchange to once again be established and flourish. Many a masochist will tell you that spankings are not effective as punishments and in a sense i agree but when done in this light, well my experience is that it does work.

It’s cathartic, it’s obvious and it allows for the release of the guilty energy so that you can get back to each other instead of away.

… to be continued, thoughts?