I run in one of two modes, either in ‘control’ or in ‘slave space’. I’ve always known that anything in between was not ‘comfortable’ but I didn’t realize how physically detrimental it was to me. Maybe I just didn’t want to admit it ….
We have some work to do, some things to figure out.
I need to transition completely or not at all, this ‘in between’ is hurting me, physically. I need to either move from one space completely to the other and back again, or just stop entirely.
The first year we did this I felt great, I was either in one mindset or the other, no in between. Years 2 and 3 we tried to blend things a little bit and I was 50/50 and years 4 and 5 have been more of a blur for me of circling the outskirts of control and/or slave space.
Now in year 6 I am in pain all the time, no good days, no in between. I am not meant to work this way.
My brain has always been all or nothing, I guess trying to blur the lines is simply not going to work.
I think we need to go back to year one, or not at all …..