In the beginning … how to get what you want without topping

So you did it! You had this wonderful conversation with your spouse, you both are looking forward to the journey ahead, your excited, or starting your engine and your getting buckled in. You put it in drive and start moving forward …. woohoo here we go! And then you reach your first road block ….

Oh oh, which way do we go? There is no set map detailing the journey, the exact destination is unknown and you didn’t plan ahead for the times you didn’t know which way to turn. Now what?

Communicate …. with each other and in a timely manner, always! Being in this dynamic does not mean you don’t speak up, quite the contrary, you need to speak up! No more vanilla remember, no more holding back, or expecting your spouse to read your mind or some story book version where they just magically know just what to do. No more hints, no more waiting around and getting frustrated, just talk.

We all have some sort of idea in our minds of what we would have liked to happen in a situation or other. More often then not, especially in the beginning, it does not turn out that way. Now side note: If your dominant did act just not in a manner you wanted but in His own instead, then you accept their decision graciously and move forward.

If on the other hand He/She is just carrying on as though nothing is amiss and not realizing what you wanted/needed from the situation then you speak up. Depending on your history you might have decided scheduled ‘downtimes’ are when you approach these topics so ask for a ‘downtime’.

In my situation we have always communicated and yelling or shutting down has never been an issue so we continue to communicate as things come up. Either of us will say/would say what we thought and needed in a clear and respectful manner. Something to the effect of “I had been hoping Sir that you would have reacted in this fashion.” or “I really needed you to address this issue to this effect.” (I’ve written before on clear and effective communication skills so I won’t reiterate that now.)

If it is just one simple basic action that you were hoping for, then just ask! What’s the harm in saying ‘could you please grab my purse for me Sir, it is out of my reach’ or ‘would you be so kind as to help me with my coat?’ Yes in the books the dominant already knows to do all these gentlemanly things and seems to do them before the submissive even realizes she/he needed them done, but that is not real life. Real life takes practice and understanding and the best way for your dominant to understand your needs and wants and for them to get practice in fulfilling them is by you asking.

Isn’t that precisely what you have asked them to do for you? Make a list of what they would like and help you learn and practice those things to fulfill their needs? You are well aware that you can not read their mind and that you need their input in order to make this happen, why would their reality be any different? Map it out for them…..

So there you have it, be the compass, respectfully show Him/Her the map of your wants and needs and then let them mark the spot and lead the way. And don’t forget to enjoy the RIDE!

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

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