Rules and expectations

1f03b983016b3f76575f287592fc4142This is a topic I have tried to touch on a few times but I don’t think I ever quite got the words right. I’m not sure I quite had all the information I needed either, but time tends to help in the respect doesn’t it?

This post isn’t meant as a jab on anyone or their lifestyle choices it’s just a reflection on mine.

I have said many times in the past that I/We don’t really have many rules spelled out that I needed to learn or practice in order to become a ‘better submissive’. Almost all our rules are either kink or sex based not behaviour or manners. Behaviour for me is not a submissive quality per say, it’s simply a personal choice and although they do show a good amount of respect to my dominant the truth is that for me they are about self-respect. I wasn’t ‘submissive’ when I started and I don’t need to be submissive to continue with them.

I suppose if any of the normal things would start to slip then Sir would begin to implement them as rules, especially now that He knows the difference and that He knows how much we both want this life.

We had dinner here for thanksgiving not long ago and it started an interesting discussion on manners and the state of things in this day and age. This got me thinking that some of the things I take as a given are not at all the usual way of doing things now a days. The need and reasons for all these rules started to make more sense.

I guess in this light you could say that I have plenty of rules of conduct, they just happen to be self-imposed long before TPE was a thing on the radar.

Everything from cell phone use, to please and thank you, not interrupting when someone is speaking, listening attentively, and never leaving someone to eat alone at the dinner table.

What rules have you added that might be new to your life?

Are you finding them difficult to adjust to?

Are you more like me and have added ‘fun’ rules more so than any other?

 

 

Owning your emotions

It really drives me crazy when I see and read people trying to hide their thoughts and emotions from their partners or when submissives are told that they are not allowed to have emotions. Real life has real issues and needs real conversations and communication to succeed. I wrote this 2 years ago as well but I just needed to get it back out there again.

The example about dinner btw was brought about from trying to explain to a fellow submissive at the time that just because her husband forgot to order something didn’t mean she had to freak out and stress over it. Just talk for heaven sakes … and I don’t mean at your ‘down time’ in three days, dinner is tonight! And every night … 

There are a lot of interesting people out there with a lot of interesting ideas – you don’t need to take their word for it, this is your life! 

Being submissive doesn’t mean you don’t have emotions and it doesn’t mean you hide them until some crazy set aside time when you are allowed to feel. Yeah I know, that’s what they do in the books, that’s what the ‘meet you two weeks from today’ players do, but that does not work very well if you live together and see each other every time you turn the corner. (I’ve even heard it said you should work on hiding your facial expressions, really? Poker anyone?)

If you only see your spouse part-time because they are often away I suppose you could work that dynamic, you have plenty of free time to think and calm down in between visits. But what if something is bothering you now, and you need to go get ready for your bed time soon and no ‘downtime’ is scheduled for 2 more days? You ask clearly for a ‘downtime’ because you really need one and He/She says no. I know, I know a good dominant is going to see that need and follow through, because they are infallible and always do the right thing and never let their emotions get away with them, right?  So back to real life ….

Yes you need to communicate and yes you need to be respectful but it needs to be effective and timely. The best way to have effective communication is to first know what the actual issue is! Own it, own your feelings …. they don’t need to be logical, they don’t need to make sense, they are feelings and the only thing required to make them real is that you have them. Once you stop trying to figure out why you can’t shove them aside you can start to try to understand what it is that makes you feel this way.  Here comes that honesty again, the hardest part of the dynamic (or as I like to call it, life). What are you really upset about? The first person you need to be honest with is yourself.

Warning! If you are not used to thinking in this way you will likely make up a bunch of excuses or plausible reasons even for yourself! These will be things to help you come to terms with your feelings, make them seem reasonable and unselfish. Make you seem like the Mother Theresa that you are …. I know I’m not.  Don’t feel bad, it’s just a coping mechanism we learn as toddlers to help us deal with our black and white views of right and wrong. Totally different blog but the point is it’s normal! All you need to do now is learn a different way of thinking, of being honest with yourself.

As for being done in a timely manner, well I have long found that it is not what or WHEN you say something but HOW! I made the mistake of thinking maybe I was doing it wrong and maybe I should wait until a prescribed hour in order to communicate with Sir/my husband. All that came of it was that I didn’t address the issue that was bothering me and it festered. He didn’t realize I didn’t respond well to whatever it was and repeated it. Well I couldn’t just ‘talk’ to Him, my goodness that would be the end of the dynamic! It needs to wait, has to be timed out, etc etc …. needless to say small non issues got mixed up with frustration and created a bigger more problematic situation that eventually lead to anger and spiraling of emotions all before He ever had a clue what was going on or that it needed to be fixed!

So now I just state that ‘I haven’t received other instructions so since I’m going to be short on time tonight could you please pick up dinner Sir?’ The answer back to this type of situation is normally ‘Oh that’s right,… What would I do without you nijntje? I will take care of it, thanks for reminding me.’

I suppose I could just run around frustrated and angry trying to put something together last minute and tell Him how upset I was that He forgot I was short on time Tuesday when I speak to Him on Sunday night, and ask Him to please come up with a way that He can keep track of all my scheduling changes so we have dinner figured out for next time. I wouldn’t want to run the risk of having Him find out that He is still human and can still make mistakes even though I have now started calling Him Sir! My goodness the entire D/s world might just fall apart!  LOL

My point is if you are able to keep your emotions in check and are reasonable about what time is appropriate and what is not, then go ahead and talk. You both need to be in the right mindset, but if there is nothing else in the way why not sort it out …. small things tend to become bigger things if you have to pretend to have no thoughts until some ‘downtime’ down the road because someone else said so.

Learning to communicate with empathy, manners and respect is definitely needed but D/s does not have the monopoly on being a good person.  Pick up any human psychology or sociology course text book, it was spelled out long before FSOG made it a work of fiction. At least the text books are realistic ….

I’m not interested in ‘orchestrating’ my life to fit someone’s fictional book(s) – I’ll just live and enjoy my life.

 

Clarification

It just occurred to me that something I said might not have been understood as it was meant by the majority of the readership. (Me speaking in tongues?? lol no way!)

A couple posts ago I said that I told the Bear I was done with the D/s, for us that is strictly sex and kink based actions and responsibilities. Things like you read about in the erotic sites. Kneeling, spanking maintenance, kinky tasks assigned to keep the ‘submissive charge’ AKA sex appeal. These are the things that are new(ish) to us, these are the things that we are trying to find time and space for. These are the things I consider our D/s journey.

We’ve been acting on the kink and symbolic part of our relationship for bout 5 years now BUT since the beginning The Bear has taken care of me and all my other needs. Those are not what I consider new and sometimes difficult to fit into life.

Things were never contracted out but proper behaviour and manners have always been part of our relationship. A calm, safe and responsible husband that grounds me and keeps me from harm has always been part of our relationship. I have always turned to Him and only Him when the weight of the world gets too heavy and He has never let me down. In turn I have always let Him have final say in any and all decisions. He has no interest in micromanaging me but if it’s important to Him it’s followed by me, simple as that.

‘Done with the D/s’ to me is only kink and sex based orders and responsibilities not the position in our marriage or care given from that position.

No, this is not what others might view as D/s and no this isn’t all that D/s or M/s is all about. This is just our journey and this is where the labels and titles came into play for us. These are the things that sometimes get difficult because life tends to rob you of time and energy now and again.

I’d hate to admit it but let’s be honest, at some point the kink and sexy escapades will become a thing of the past, if we live long enough and I hope we do. I will miss it certainly but our connection is so much more and so much deeper than anything we have added in ‘D/s’.

We were ‘we’ long before the label of D/s, to me it labels the kink and sexy orders of our travels, that’s it. No it’s not what it means to you, but this is my story, not yours.

So when I told Him I was done, I meant I was done waiting for kinky orders …. He will always be my leader, protector and care giver, that part will never change.

It might still be clear as mud, but at least I tried.

 

What if they find out? (you might not like this)

Friends, colleagues, family members …. I personally have never really understood the big deal behind it but I guess it’s once again all in your perspective.

Why should I have to be fearful or concerned that someone might find out I have a great deal of respect for the man I married? I can tell you now that anyone who knows me knows I respect my husband, value His presence in this marriage and always have. I have never hidden the fact that I would check with Him first on anything, long before D/s or kink was ever-present in our relationship.

Why do you need a dynamic, or title to know that you should value each other and look to each other for help and guidance, that you should treat each other with respect and that what one says and thinks should be taken seriously by the other? Why is this such a big deal exactly? Seems to me the ones not using these ideals in their relationships should be the ones worried about being found out.

Yes I am well aware of and grew up with what ‘society values’ but I also have a brain of my own. Grab a history book, society has had plenty of misplaced values.

I don’t talk about or promote kinky sex, but I never did it with vanilla sex either! I’ve never been one to share my ‘dirty laundry’ – personal issues are just that, personal. You talk about them and figure them out with the person that’s involved, you don’t spread gossip about them or behind their back but yet haven’t the balls to clear it up face to face. Husbands and wives included ….

It really kills me that so many people had to find some dynamic to figure out how to be a positive, kind and respectful human being. As to kink and spankings, keep them to yourself. If someone wants to know they will ask you, if they don’t then respect them enough not to force feed it to them. I have no interest in what my friends do behind closed doors, it doesn’t make me intolerant of their kink or lack there of, it makes me respect their privacy and value mine.words

I can state and show that I respect my husband’s wishes and follow His lead without going into kinky or sexual details and if someone doesn’t respect that then they don’t deserve mine ….

Trying to force my kink on them however is unnecessary and from my part – rude.

I call my husband Mr. ____ when we are out with others and I have even said Sir from time to time, that is simply a sign of respect after all but referring to Him as Daddy or Master in these parts would be awkward and basically forcing my kink, so I don’t.

I wear my cuffs but they are discreet and I don’t let parts of myself or my kink be put on display, I am a lady first and foremost. If you choose a different way of being so be it but don’t be surprised if others look or even stare!

When my hair is green or purple I don’t get off put because others look and talk. I’m doing and showing something that is very obviously different then than rest, to be upset because they were confused or stunned would be ridiculous of me, and yes some will simply disapprove, so be it.

I have received many comments on many occasions both before and after we started D/s in regards to my relationship with my husband, how lucky we are, how well we relate to each other and many want to know how we do it. I have always spoken of respect and honesty and trust and communication, I have often talked about manners and good listening skills and not interrupting or thinking I always know best …. I have always made it clear that I count on Him and that He has given me the strength and courage to move forward when everyone else in my life had let me down.

He always drives me to where I need to be and either accompanies me or picks me up after, He has always carried the bags and opened the doors, He has always paid the bill and held my hand. People are in awe, people want what we have, people know it’s different and people know it’s awesome and never have I had to say it’s D/s, or spankings or I’m submissive ….

People are not off put by a happy healthy relationship – people are off put when you try to stuff your labels and kink in their face.

There is a reason why we call it your ‘private life’ after all, although I’m not entirely sure that exists for many any more.

Sorry if you are offended but this is my opinion ….

 

 

Wascally Wabbit!

The further I get into this the more I am certain, I don’t have a ‘lifestyle’ and I don’t want one – I have a life.

I came into this looking for a way to show my husband that I value His opinion, respect His wishes and need His strength.

I am very good at being everything, for myself and by myself …. I intimidate anyone and everyone who knows me (as a force to be dealt with) and I have absolutely no time for anyone trying to tell me *what is what* who is not strong in their leadership and/or character.

I am not fake and I simply can’t pretend anything ….. I think fast and I always land on my feet. It didn’t leave much space for Him to think I *needed* anything ……

Some of the rituals or protocols spoken of lend themselves nicely as reminders to both of us that we are in this together and that I do need Him in my life and in this ‘position’. Some of them are simply calming and others are just for fun – but they could all go away and nothing between us would change, not any more!

Our connection is more in our minds than in kneeling or anything else. If things could no longer be done for whatever the reason I would hate to think that the relationship was conditional upon protocols and would therefore dissolve.

Sir has grown into quite the sadist, I don’t imagine cutting that out of our relationship would be as fulfilling as it is now, but every year I find out something new that makes play more ‘interesting’ ….. If at some point I get to where I just simply can no longer play does He then up and leave because my part of the masochist can no longer be filled? Perhaps that gives Him the right to go look outside the marriage then? Yeah, …. NO!

As I have mentioned before my marriage contract comes first. Life comes first …..

Our love is not conditional, it needs to be cared for and nurtured and fed else it might be lost but it is not conditional upon a power exchange contract that might work for now but might need to be reassessed in the future.

I thought it was supposed to be a ‘dynamic’ …… ?!?!

  • adjective (of a process or system) characterized by constant change, activity, or progress.
  • noun: a force that stimulates change or progress within a system or process.

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Love You Always Sir ❤

Negotiating having needs while being submissive

You need to keep in mind that in my relationship we met, dated and married long before any of this D/s like stuff was ever on the radar, we had two children, pets and full-time jobs in place with all of life’s responsibilities already worked out and shared long before either of us knew that this type of lifestyle was sot after or out there.

Our first few exposures to the labels and ideals were all sex and kink based and frankly that’s all we really found or were able to see in it. It was all very scripted both inside and outside of the bedroom and although it might sound like fun for a while none of it felt real or enticing to us.

I did however find a site by using the labels as a search tool, that lead to a very different way of talking about this ‘D/s’ type relationship. There was no obvious or constant referral to sex or kink, it wasn’t all about rules and punishments, it wasn’t about always getting your way as a DOM and never being able to speak up or having no voice as a submissive ….. it was complicated, it was deep, it put a lot of responsibility on the dominant to care for and protect their submissive. It was so much more than sex, and it was exactly what we needed although at the time we really had no idea.

The depth of responsibility and control was really something Sir had to sit with and come to terms with in understanding especially after being married for about 16 years at the time to someone who had always taken care of themselves AND everyone else.

The way in which to truly hand over control of all of me was something I had to come to terms with as someone who has never wanted to feel like a burden on someone else, especially since I already had this underlying need to serve and be pleasing to Sir, the person I didn’t want to bother with all ‘my stuff’.

The truth is that when He has control of me He is not holding me down or some how stifling me, He is setting me free …. many of us know this feeling, many of us can relate to these words. The other side however is that handing over my true feelings and needs is not a burden to Him it is in fact empowering and providing Him with a sense of fulfillment. It is only AFTER Sir feels that He has been able to provide for my needs and welfare that He then feels free enough to take from me what He wants.

For us the thing that fuels the dominant fire is my ‘submitting’ of my wants, needs, desires and fantasies for Him to learn, use and provide for me as He sees fit. I’m not just referring to sexual needs either, I mean all the things that are required to keep me healthy and fulfilled like today’s need to be cared for and pampered perhaps because my body just can’t take much more …. I could suck it up and carry on but then I’m not giving Him what He needs to fulfill His responsibility towards me.

The bare bones of it is that Sir is a good guy, a good man, and He doesn’t allow Himself to feel entitled to take what He needs and wants from me if He doesn’t feel He has provided for and taken care of His responsibilities towards me first. He will not ‘use’ what He has not earned.

So how does this relate to working out my needs while being submissive? Well giving Him the truth about what I need and feel does not translate as I’m a burden now that I know and understand this perspective. Even if the conversation is not an easy one I know that the only way to free Him to take from me is to first allow Him to provide for me.

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Although I am submissive to Sir in the rest of life I very much fall under the dominant category, and part of my revelation comes from the times and experiences I have had in my own life and most recently with my grandmother.

My grandmother was a very strong and capable woman who in her own time took care of the family, all the family, she was very much the matriarch. As I got older and when push came to shove, the person who she relied on to get things done was me, but she never wanted to burden me and so unless she really had no choice she would often wait or just keep her needs from me.

The fact that such a strong and capable woman who always took care of herself and everyone else could come to and rely on me was a privilege and an honour, not a burden. The times she chose to keep things from me didn’t bring me relief from responsibility they made me feel somehow lacking and even hurt. I know she was trying to not ‘burden’ me with her life and her responsibility but that’s not at all how I felt …… and I imagine that Sir feels very much the same way towards my needs and my care.

My grandmother thought and felt that she was sparing me by not allowing me to do what I felt was my job, my responsibility and mostly my honour to provide. I am very much like my grandmother and for many years I didn’t want to bother my husband either, but as a dominant out there to the rest of the world I also understand how He feels now when I don’t come to Him.

He took on this responsibility willingly and eagerly, my holding back is what makes me feel guilty now, not the other way around. The kink, the bondage, the BDSM is all easy …. it’s fun, it’s what we both like. Giving Him all my secrets, all my needs and all my thoughts is the truth of submission for me and taking them all on and deciding how to lead even when it’s not easy or what He wants to hear is the truth of dominance for Him.

Yes I will follow Him anywhere, Yes I will do whatever He wants, no question, no complaint. Why wouldn’t I? His first priority is and always has been taking care of me. So I will also give Him the information He needs to do that too.

Love You Always Sir! ❤

And so it continues ….

I’m having a wonderful time laughing and living with my one and only! I guess that the last few hangups have finally been worked out and I’ve listened to a very smart friend who has been kind enough to let me talk and listened when needed as well as offered some thoughts for me to ponder in the mean time ….

I’ve made a few changes recently, all in my mind really, that have brought me back to myself. Sometimes being smart and witty and a take charge kind of person is hard to reconcile with being submissive …. no I’m not saying you can’t be, obviously, I’m just saying that sometimes for me it’s hard to tell when to wait and when to go with my instincts and do what comes naturally. What I have found is that I don’t need to change how I’ve always been to be His submissive and He likes it better when I don’t change!

I wasn’t consciously changing but I was second guessing myself and not doing what I would have thought to do instinctively because I didn’t want to be too strong ..?!?! It’s difficult to explain I guess, but I just don’t really identify with any of the sites and stories that I have been reading and so it was leaving me with the impression that I didn’t know what to do, until someone pointed me in another direction! 😀

The truth is that when we started down this road of D/s I was in control of pretty much everything and Sir was pretty much checked out for the most part. Most of our conversations about things that we didn’t see eye to eye on were met with resentment and either I was ignored or He got snippy. There weren’t many, maybe a handful in total, but that was more than enough for me ….. I was losing my patience and He was not listening to me. This is exactly the opposite of what we really are and the opposite of what we wanted! So I started thinking and trying to get an objective look at what the heck had happened here.

It did finally become clear that I was leaving Him no room to be in charge of anything and therefore leaving Him feeling redundant and in turn useless. Very much the opposite of how I saw Him mind you but He didn’t realize just how much I did rely on Him because I didn’t make it obvious, now I do. He didn’t notice the way I came to Him but now He does.

All of this was done through communication, not sex. The sexual connection and play and new-found BDSM excitement all came later, once things were again on track and our commitment and connection strengthened once more.

So a little bit ago I was making a decision that involves my work, it’s an area that Sir does not have control over because it’s my business and my expertise so why would He assume to know the answers in something He is not practiced? Anyway, I had spelled out a couple of the thoughts on my mind and explained what I had thought to be the best choice and asked Him for His input. He let me know what He thought, He said that I was making the right choice and (I really enjoyed hearing this part) He said He wouldn’t have expected any less from me. 😀 (It was a financial decision, it was not in my favour but it was the right choice for the family I was discussing).

Once that was all said and done He turned and said that I knew I didn’t have to ask permission for things that related to my business, and I said yes Sir I know but if you think back just a bit you’ll realize that I have always asked for your guidance and opinion on this. I saw an eyebrow raise and I’m pretty sure I even saw a light bulb! LOL There are still times now that something will come up and get handled and He realizes that I have always come to Him in this fashion.

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Just because I’m strong and able and capable of doing it on my own doesn’t mean I rely on Him any less, it just means that we do things our own way, maybe more subtle and maybe missed by most, but still very much part of who we are.

I’m not any label, I’m me  and we both like it this way!

Love You Always Sir ❤

I read once …

I was looking around at different sites some time ago to see how others navigate this crazy world of ours, not just D/s but in general. I like to read to begin with, although I prefer paper to pc … but either way I like to look around and take note. You just never know when you might find something worth remembering.

I came across a site that was basically called being submissive is hard … or something to that effect. That’s fair enough so I wanted to see what they had to say. It turns out that this person (female) was having a very difficult time coming to terms with what the dominant was requiring of her, and the lack of time and attention that He was apparently able to give was one of the major issues. She needed more and his schedule simply didn’t provide for that right now.

So far all sounds pretty normal and although not the best situation we can all understand that it happens from time to time …. until I read that she was submissive number 4 of 5! What!?!?!

So this ‘dominant’ doesn’t have the time to give her the attention and care she requires but feels it’s right to take on 5 submissives at once ….. and none of you think that perhaps you are being used??? and not in the hot, kinky way that we like ….? I know this is just my opinion here but a dominant has responsibilities to provide what he/she agreed to in the first place. If they are not living up to their end of the bargain than they have no right to your submission. No wonder you’re having such a hard time being submissive and being happy ….

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Just because you are submissive, or whatever your choice of words, doesn’t mean you lose all your thought process and responsibility for yourself, your life and your actions there in. Think people! If it feels like you are just being used, you probably are! If you are good with that than carry on, but if you are not than do something about it ….

It’s that type of thing that makes me feel like I need to keep writing this blog, because although I am His submissive I am not abused, or unhappy or any worse off than any other strong, liberal and free woman out there! I’m probably better off than most …. Being His has made me stronger still, you can tell by my words I’m sure how oppressed and meek and mild I am! Not!

I will do whatever my husband wants, whenever He wants and for as long and as often as He wants because He takes damn good care of me. If you don’t feel cared for than you haven’t gotten yourself a dominant …. no matter what they want you to call them.

Love You Sir ❤

Self advocating

I feel that a very important part of making this type of relationship work is self advocating. That’s what all the communication is about after all. The idea of blindly following someone and letting them rule over your life without being mindful of your own needs and making sure that they are being met is ridiculous to me.

I don’t think anyone should be in a power exchange relationship if you are not secure enough to make sure you are being taken care of properly and advocate for yourself if you feel you are not! Any dominant who gets upset or worse, angry because you are speaking up and being honest about how you feel and what you need is not deserving of the title, or the respect.

This is my life after all, not a game. Regardless of the dynamic I have chosen the responsibility for my life ultimately falls to me. The most important aspect of this relationship is that it is consensual and it is my responsibility to give or revoke that consent depending on how things are going.

Now don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying that just because you don’t like a decision or rule you should give and take your consent on a whim, I’m saying if you spend more time being miserable and wishing for something different than you do being happy and content in your role than perhaps you should seriously evaluate where you are and what you are doing.

Being submissive, or whatever you want to call yourself should make your life better not worse. The decision might not be easy to make but it’s your life after all, how much of it do you want to waste?

Different relationships have different protocols but open honest communication without anger or prejudice in a timely manner and often is a must! Without that you are simply kinky vanilla ….

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Love You Always Sir ❤