Two week trial

Part of our dynamic involves constant exploration, why not? Sometimes it’s sex and kink that we put a trial period on and sometimes it’s more. Like an idea or feeling that we are trying to capture with rituals and rules to help create – whatever it is we are after!

We are going to start just that again now. As I’ve written, things are a bit bland in our kinky life and we both are craving something more deliberate, more intense. We’ve sat down a few times over the past week to brainstorm together about what feeling it is we want to achieve and what triggers we have that help us do just that.

I crave a more intense BDSM aspect to my dynamic, Bear does too I think, but noise and lack of privacy are still very much a problem! My son’s mental health is no longer an issue (thankfully) but Covid has made it that we are NEVER alone! LoL Much like many of you I’m sure! That means that the things we are trying out are not necessarily exactly what we would like our dynamic to look like, but they are hopefully good enough for now.

There is no such thing as ‘perfect’, we put that notion aside long ago so we could focus on simply being happy! So we’ll start a 2 weeks trial period on a few ideas and see where it takes us. We want only a few changes right now, not a whole list all at once. Too much, too fast is just not the way to find a rhythm that works for us. It gets complicated and a bit too frenzied to really understand and appreciate the implications and if it’s something we want to keep or toss!

The thought is that 2 weeks is just long enough to see if it’s do-able, if it’s effective, or if it’s simply too much or doesn’t work on the psyche the way we hope. There will be no changes or backing out, or adding to during the 2 weeks. Changes will be made afterwards in order to give things a real chance! Of course – if it’s obvious that something is a ‘hard no’ for either of us than it will be reassessed and stopped, or whatever the appropriate measure.

So wish me luck! ❤

Submissive training

This is based on my life, my experience and my needs. This is not a step by step manual for anyone else’s life and not a ‘right or wrong’ attempt at explaining D/s either! 

Take it with a grain of salt, use what you want, discard what doesn’t fit for you …

There have been many opinions i have read about how to ‘train’ you submissive. Some are interesting, many revolve around sex and pain play. From how to give a BJ to how to train your sub to control their O’s, never a dull moment for sure! That’s not what i’m going to be talking about though.

If you live it 24/7 like we do you know that your dynamic can go much further than just the kink and sex. Around here Bear has final say in everything, from what He wants to see me wearing, my job, how i take care of myself and yes, sex and kink.

One of the things we ‘trained’ was for me to stop putting myself in peril by doing too much, working too hard. I’ve never given myself a break, in anything, guilt, needing to be always ‘useful’, needing to be ‘strong’, so many words you could use to describe the need to be ‘good’ in order to be good enough in the world.

As things progressed in our D/s and as my health got worse the Bear got serious about my ‘training’, because His main reason for doing this 24/7 is to be able to take care of me, especially when i’m being stubborn about taking care of myself.

This is what my yard looked like this weekend:


In years past the Bear would have come home every evening to bags and bags of leaves ready to be carted up to the driveway to be disposed of. I spent a lot of time outside and so, why not?

Now a days He comes home to this! On good days we can get the boys out to help, lately hasn’t been so good for that as you can see. This is the third time picking up leaves, i think they’re spent too! LoL

So I make a comment, ‘I can go out and help you’? *big smile*  

‘Oh, you can come out’ He says ‘but if you touch anything to do with leaves and work you will be back inside with a very sore, red @ss.’

*gasp* ‘You wouldn’t! Besides you need help and it’s not fair to have you doing it all yourself.’

‘I wouldn’t humm? Want to try me?’ with a raised eyebrow and no sign of humour this time!   

‘No, Sir.’

There really aren’t many things that He puts His foot down on, I don’t get into trouble and i’m very good at doing what needs to be done anyway. I really don’t need to be watched or managed except for this. And so He does ….

Spankings and play fuels the D/s flames for sure but nothing brings out His dominance and my submission like moments like these.

The moisturizer rule is another one, twice daily. My skin gets very irritated and dry, especially in the winter but it is a problem all year. When i didn’t take care i ended up with a serious case of paddle rash too, even at the lowest levels of impact. Not doing it makes my hands worse and i itch and scratch at my skin until it’s raw and almost bleeding! You could say it’s a problem.

At one point i had told myself that I needed to do it for Sir, after some time of not being able to play much i stopped doing it. My skin paid the price of course so much so that I couldn’t sleep well either. Since sleeping is already a problem on a good day i certainly didn’t need this to deal with!

We talked, i told Him that i stopped because my mind no longer thought of it as a rule and since He hadn’t ever really made it a rule ….. i stopped taking care of myself. Well, you guessed it, it’s a rule now! As much as i enjoy His dominance i don’t want to experience it because i am in trouble.

This might lead to cute stories about chilly nights and pouting rabbits but in the end it reinforces His dominance and fuels His fire. Play or no play, having to brave the cold because He said so makes me feel like His, and cared for.

Another major factor is that i am responsible for telling Him what’s on my mind, all of it. I can’t always tell Him face to face, not right away but i do write it out. i write as though i’m writing a post, or talking to a friend or however it comes out the easiest.

I write my fantasies, i write about how He made me feel and what worked on my mindset, i write what didn’t work and i even write about when i’m feeling let down or unhappy. He made it a rule, so i write ….

I couldn’t do it if He hadn’t said point-blank, it’s a rule. My mind doesn’t work that way, doesn’t allow me to complain or ‘burden’ Him with anything. Especially if that anything is hard to hear or making more work for Him on my behalf.

He says He wants to know and He says there will be trouble if i don’t. Like i said before, i enjoy His dominance but NOT because i’m in trouble. Not real trouble anyway, playful teasing and banter is fun, but this is real. Raised eyebrow real …..

It’s not easy but it’s getting easier and more comfortable all the time. The more i trust Him with all of my thoughts the more dominant He feels and acts, in the real world. He used to be less likely to act in these instances when things got hard in life but now He does it naturally.

He used to be unsure of whether or not i wanted and needed Him to act, but now He knows that if He doesn’t act i will be lost. I told Him so. If He doesn’t catch me, no one will ….


Is it perfect? No, but for us it’s well worth the effort. It can be tough at times and there are moments of hurt and pain but that is life. No matter what feelings we need to navigate we never feel disconnected or alone.

I’ve rewritten my inner dialog when it comes to the Bear. I never go away from Him, i go to Him. Some days it’s soft and floaty and some days it’s charging and full of fear or anger or whatever, but i still go to Him.

He catches me.

That was my submissive training. Our version of D/s. ❤

Drawing Parallels

Brand new day and back to work after a bit more than a week off, brand new hours and a new group to work with …. so of course in the midst of all my ‘flying by the seat of my pants’ I draw parallels to D/s relationships! *giggle*

It links back in a way to the last post and the original idea that got me started. If I cut to the chase, the idea is ‘should a Dominant expect a submissive to be ‘preset’? To be and act the way the Dominant wants/prefers …. right from the beginning of the relationship and without having to first invest time and effort to guide and change certain aspects of the submissive (always consensual of course)  from the default to the preferred?

If the submissive doesn’t exactly fit your ideal or definition but is more than happy and willing to try to be molded into whatever that is, and yes this should be talked through and consented to well in advance, should it not then become the Dominant’s responsibility to throw the preconceptions they had out the window, start fresh and work as a team to guide and shape the outcome that they BOTH should want and aspire to? If the Dominant does not want that responsibility – does He/She deserve the right?

Just because you had a previous D/s relationship doesn’t mean you should expect your ‘new’ submissive to act just the same as the last. I will also go as far as saying that once the players change so to does the entire dynamic even if it is based on the same ideals and concepts. The picture in your mind should change along with the people involved in the dynamic, me thinks …. I’ve said before Comparing kills any relationship, and quickly!

Lastly for now, I absolutely don’t understand the idea that ” I shouldn’t have to tell you and spell it out, you should just take it upon yourself and figure it out or somehow know what it is I want”.  This seems like a very vanilla attitude to me.

Part of what I like about this dynamic is that there is no guess-work, everything is communicated openly and honestly. Likes, dislikes, wants, needs … hopes and dreams. What my idea of a dominant is, what your idea of a submissive is, what that looks like even down to the most minuet detail if that’s what needs to be done. I found this especially necessary when going from vanilla to D/s and only 1 party really had any knowledge  …. or clue for that matter.

Sometimes the desire is there but the will power is not, that’s when rules and protocols are put in place to help reach the goals. I’ll use a very personal example, I wanted to quit smoking, Sir wanted me to quit smoking …. I never really got around to it. Not because I didn’t care enough for His wishes or that my investment wasn’t as great, it was because I needed Him to give me a deadline. I needed a date and the accountability that comes from that in order to get it done.

I suppose He could have sat back and said that if it mattered to me enough and I wanted to please Him enough I would quit anyway. That makes perfect *logical* sense …. but I needed a date. Instead of questioning if I really was invested in being His and wanting to quit, He simply looked at the calendar and gave me a date. That will be 4 years ago next week.

So would it have been right for Him to sit back and complain that I wasn’t doing it right, I should have just followed through on my own or was the truly Dominant act recognizing my need for a date and providing for that need  …. instead of making it into something else, something that it wasn’t?

So was I a bad submissive or is the real truth that He is a good dominant?

Another example is in how He likes to be ‘approached‘, this was a long time work in progress and I admit many, many things have changed from how I ‘used’ to act. Things were the way they were for whatever the reason, He didn’t waste time complaining about that He invested time in talking and working through all we needed to do in order to get where we are, where we are both happy, comfortable and fulfilled.

We don’t have a relationship like anyone else’s and we don’t have one that mirrors a previous one either, we have our own, and it’s so much better that way too!

So what say you? Clear as mud? I know there are many ideas and themes here …. pick what you’d like to touch on … 😀

Ways of submitting – Mail order submissive??

This is more of a thinking out loud kind of thing than it is an information post. I read something a while back that got me thinking on the subject and since my holidays are coming to an end and I think it will be highly unlikely that I have time to write much until the new kids and schedule has the kinks (yes I went there!! lol ;P) worked out, I thought I’d take a few minutes to at least start to try to get this ‘down’.

The idea comes to me from the perspective of married couples (or committed) who started to practice BDSM and D/s long after the commitment was already made. Basically one partner will normally initiate the conversation and ask for the lifestyle after doing research or even practicing some but the second partner really has no knowledge or experience in it.

Most of the exposure I have had to this is from the submissive perspective and also the one initiating the dynamic, so keep that in mind … I am interested to see what the dominants or aspiring dominants out there think on this topic, as well as any submissives who want to chime in! 😉

Now my thoughts are that if you are just starting out in the D/s or similar dynamic and looking for a partner than you have your lists of things you look for, things you want and the way you wish your DOM or sub to act and react. When you are in an existing relationship and trying to make a transition I think things need to be a bit more of a compromise in order for it to work. Less of a fantasy in your mind and more of a real life scenario ….

From my experiences over the past few years I have seen and learned that the DOM we want or have pictured in our mind is not usually the one we end up with. Now this doesn’t mean it’s not real or not fulfilling, it’s just simply not that picture we had originally. The wants and needs of every DOM is different and the way in which they choose to lead is also different. What I have learned is that just because my original idea of what submitting to my husband looked like is not exactly the reality doesn’t mean it’s any less fulfilling or valid or of service.

So, how does this translate from the Dominant perspective? What if it’s the Dominant that has initiated and researched and become savvy in the dynamic but the submissive is the one who does not fit into the mental fantasy all worked out before hand? What if the needs of this particular submissive are different than the assumed needs the Dominant had all worked out in their minds?

One example that keeps hopping through my mind – some submissives are good at and want to anticipate the needs of the Dominant, they want and do and act in a way that has everything read and figured out a head of time so as to please their DOM. Others I have met prefer to have things spelled out exactly, lists of things to do, how to do them, how to act and even what to say in certain situations. Some like to have time lines and deadlines and others prefer to try and anticipate and outdo anything that the DOM might like or require even before the dominant has had a chance to think of it themselves.

So than, if the dominant asking the newly consented submissive ends up with someone who’s needs are different then what they anticipated does the dominant then not have the responsibility to compromise and provide for those needs first? I guess in my mind this is where the dominant takes charge, starts by providing for the needs of the submissive and then through guidance and training (consented to upfront of course) starts to mold the submissive into the creature that they have dreamed of and wanted …

Does the fact that your newly acquired submissive does not act and react they way you thought mean that they can’t do this to your liking or does it simply mean that you need to put YOUR preconceptions aside, work with what you have been gifted and slowly mold it into what you want.

I know that from my submissive side I had to put away my preconceptions and we slowly worked towards our end goal, not just mine. So what say you??

To Dominate a dominant …

My travels lately have shown me this idea of keeping a submissive/slave off-balance, unsure and guessing in order to mess with their minds and see how far they will go to please, how hard they are willing to try I suppose …. This is me going against the grain again.

If things start to go side ways I no longer kneel, I stand straight and tall and strong. I do not play games, this is my real life. If you need to play games to try to keep me off-balance in order to maintain control than you are not strong enough to be in control of me.

I am a dominant remember, I don’t get worried or upset or emotional when things don’t go right, I get strong. I make plans and execute them in order to provide solutions. I am a problem solver not a worrier.

If I was to be put in a situation where there was no right answer, where you were setting me up to fail you would automatically lose all credibility and respect from me. Likewise if the answer or correct action was not clearly stated in hopes I misstepped you would again lose all respect.

This is another reason I say I am not submissive or D/s or M/s or what have you, I don’t BS, I don’t play games and do not try to f*ck with my head, you will not win.

I told you I have huge expectations of my dominant, not any one will do and that’s why I maintain that there is one and only one for me.

Where I came from many people have tried to get a ‘leg up’ on me, many people have been deceitful and full of games, and none of them ever succeeded. The only thing ever left up in the air is whether or not I want to ‘burn‘ them (not literally) and how badly ….

There was an incident this past weekend involving my brother that only solidified the validity of this statement. Once things were said and done the only thing people wanted to know was ‘have you told nijntje’? LOL

I was watching Man with a Plan the other night and they made a statement that explained it exactly. “Don’t be afraid of the crazy one, be afraid of the one the crazy one is a afraid of ….” My brother is the crazy one, and he is always making sure I’m pleased … 😉

So no, keeping me guessing or off-balance or what have you would not bring me more submissive feelings and satisfaction, it would bring out the dominant problem solving nature that could no longer kneel. The only way for me to maintain submissive and tap into my emotions is to be kept safe, secure and certain of my place and my dominant. That’s the only way I can kneel.

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That is all …..

Love You Always Sir! ❤

Service or Submission? What’s your kink?

I was asked this question a while back and at first I didn’t really understand what they were getting at, eventually after some looking around I had an idea of what they meant and I answered ‘submission’. To me the difference between being in a D/s type relationship or not being in one is submission based (aka doing things He wants even if I don’t, He gets final say on everything).

I’m sure I’m going a bit against the grain here, as usual, but anyway! I don’t think of ‘service’ as a submission thing in general, I think of it as a responsible adult thing. I was doing all sorts of service oriented things long before I considered a submissive role in anything, it really has nothing to do one with the other for me.

When I was about 4 years old I figured out that the only one who was going to look out for me, get things done, and the only way to insure things were done properly was to do them myself – all of them myself. I had/have lived that way ever since, yes 4!

Getting in a relationship, getting married, having kids didn’t change my view. If I want a clean house I have to clean it, if I want a home cooked meal I have to cook it, if I want a pretty place to live I have to decorate it, if I want clean clothes I have to wash them …. if someone else’s clothes are down there well then throw them in too, why not? It’s a nice and kind way to show your love and appreciation for someone but not necessarily submissive to me. Responsible, yes – Adult, yes – Kind, yes …. but I did it all in a dominant role also.

So this brings me to submission, you know that saying about the horse that ran and ran and ran itself to death because it had no one telling it to stop? Yeah, that’s me … my greatest act of submission to this day is NOT being of service. Sitting still and not doing what needs to be done gnaws at me like nothing else. I have a huge issue with laziness and lack of responsibility. It’s part of the reason I am in such poor health physically now. I’ve always done much more than I should …..

I don’t need submission to tell me to do more and be respectful, I need it to tell me to take a step back and let it go …. to relax, to rest and to take care of myself in that way. The only time I ‘walk the line‘ or get the look is when I’m considering doing more than I should. That is what has changed in my life, I allow Sir to do for me …

I had never relied on anyone for anything before, I had never had the expectation of being cared for and I sure as h3ll never had the expectation that someone would do for me! That’s my submission, it goes against everything I had learned or ever knew …

As I’ve mentioned before I take care of everything, He takes care of me.

As a result I can still walk, I can still work and most days I can function relatively pain-free, and on the days I can’t I get the look and I rest, and I no longer feel guilty about it, *usually*! lol

Love You Always Sir! ❤

Simply put!

I love the simple complexity of this description. It speaks to the attention, care and dedication required to make this type of relationship work.

Each so different and each always a work in progress. I hope you all enjoy it too! Thanks kit for letting me share it … 😀

Related image Kit saw this news and got really intrigued in bonsai. Kit is not an expert in bonsai caretaking nor is kit a connoisseur. She only had minimal exposure to it when she was living in China. kit likes the aesthetics and tranquility that a bonsai brings. Then it dawned on the kit…that a relationship […]

via Bonsai — Kit and Caboodle of Jumbled thoughts and reasoning

Hummm, ….

I’d like to write but I’m not entirely sure what or how to write what I’m thinking that will make sense without writing a book! 😛 LOL

I have a few different things and ideas on my mind but I really haven’t had the time to do them justice. For the most part I will be looking at how I can either work on meditation and relaxation myself in order to better be in the moment and enjoy whatever few minutes of fun life affords us and/or the things I need to ask for in regards to providing me with the time and space needed to get into the right mind space for when time finally does afford! 😀

Confused? I don’t blame you …. tee hee

I have been having a difficult time being able to shut out the ‘noise’ that goes on in my mind lately, or at least shutting it off quickly enough to be able to get the most out of what little bits of play we can get. We haven’t had hours to dedicate to getting me into the right frame of mind to finally be able to float away in quiet bliss for a time so the result is that I’m feeling like I’m in two places at once.

I have a few ideas that I think might work for me and hoping that once I get you started on this path/thought that you will then take it on for yourself. I’m not very impressionable, never have been so I know that this all starts in my mind and works outward from there, what I need to know is how much do you want to be in charge of and how much do you want me to work out?

Would you like assigned tasks and quiet/kneeling/specific pose times, or shall I look into meditation/yoga on my own? Or both …?!?! I don’t think it matters what you call it, it’s all about centering the mind and body. I used to do my own but since I gave over all control I kind of gave that over too …. I’m not getting enough right now so I would like to know how to proceed please?!?

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Meditation by sunset BY DAN KOSMAYER

Things have been busy and a bit stressful lately keeping me from the strong quiet place I enjoy and with tax season coming up they are only going to get busy again. Focus on where I want to be is only going to get more difficult, I know myself well …. so I thought I should ask first instead of waiting to spiral out of control!

So that is where my thoughts are Sir, the next few posts will likely be in reference to this, unless this crazy bunny brain hops elsewhere of course! There is always that possibility!!

Love You Always Sir ❤