Where did it go wrong in the first place?

When I look back now I honestly think that the worst and best thing that happened to me/us was menopause. Let me explain, before menopause I never would have been mouthy or disregard your wants. Even if I wasn’t getting everything I wanted or needed I would have just dealt with it myself, quietly and respectfully but by myself. Perhaps you could chime in on this one Sir so everyone knows I’m not just making it up! 😉

Once the changes started happening the physical changes were easy enough for me to deal with. I have never been a whiner and physical ‘issues’ we’ll call them are not new to me so I just moved forward and carried on. Mentally however I felt like I was coming unglued. I’m sure this is not new to anyone who has ever experienced it but it was quite the roller coaster ride. Sad, angry, uncomfortable and disoriented or just unsettled for no apparent reason most of the time. Let’s say patient was not on the list of qualities and neither was empathy or caring for that matter. I know none of this was my fault but I’m still not proud of how it caused me to behave at the time.

It did however make me more outspoken about my needs with you. This combined with those books that I had never wanted to read in the first place and I/we were sent down this path. I can’t say I’m proud of what brought us to this journey and the path was confusing to say the least, but I can say that I wouldn’t wish to change it. We may have had to make it through some rough times but this place we are in was well worth the effort!

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

My D/s and not FSOG

I know this might not be a very popular view point but NO I did not choose a D/s lifestyle because of reading the trilogy of Mr. Grey. Frankly reading the books almost made me turn completely against the idea …..

I’m not saying that the writer didn’t do a great job telling the story, quite the contrary. I found the lead characters very engaging. The dominant was immature and domineering and the submissive flighty and childish. Neither character was very strong emotionally and they helped each other to branch out and grow, together. Interesting story for sure but certainly nothing I want to emulate! That is exactly what I want to avoid …

The books (which were suggested to me by a friend) did pique my interest in BDSM play and that did lead me to accidentally find a very informative blog site. That site opened my eyes to the much more meaningful D/s and the lifestyle that can be achieved there in. I went looking for play ideas and I found so much more, some of which I didn’t understand fully at the time but I now find myself writing in a very similar tone. The site which was from the dominant point of view is no longer available unfortunately but it did make me realize that the thing I was looking for was this thing called D/s and very little of it was actually about sex. Sex is an important component of a mature, committed relationship and I’m not saying that it isn’t. What I’m saying is that it comes in much lower on the priority list then some FSOG lifestyle advocates would lead you to believe. But then FSOG is a work of fiction …. and should be kept as such in my opinion.

I wanted to embark on this journey to show Sir my love and admiration for all He has done for us. I wanted to show Him what I saw in Him and how much I believed in Him and in all the strength and courage He has shown over the years. I can handle a lot in my own way but when I faltered He was the one I went to for support and the one I counted on when I just couldn’t go on by myself. He has never let me down and I guess this was my way of trying to say thank you Sir!

To me the real D/s is a relationship where the partners build each other up, where they work together each in their own way to make a stronger and more complete relationship. The dominant has a set of strengths and skills that he/she brings to the relationship but also respects and utilizes the strengths and skills of the submissive. It is team work, each working for the other and together moving in harmony. There is a consensual power exchange but the relationship is symbiotic, just as it should be.

This is my D/s, my relationship, my reason for choosing …..

Love You Always Sir ❤

 

 

Alpha Submissive -Physical Actions to promote their Dominance

When I was first starting out it was difficult for Sir to ask me for things and I think he really had no idea what type of things were available to him in the first place. Sexual play is the most obvious but the feeling of being in control the rest of the day needs more then just a turn in the bedroom in order to be maintained. Especially if you have always been in charge around the house, work etc.

I think one of the first actions I put into place was simply asking Him what he would like me to do now, or next. I didn’t wait around for him to tell me he wanted me to stay by His side, I asked. Something as simple as saying would it please you if I sat at your feet while we watched TV?  Sometimes He said yes and sometimes he wanted me on the couch next to him, but He picked.

I started asking Him things like may I make your breakfast Sir or would you like me to wait for your instructions? Would it please you if I wore a dress today? Would you like a drink Sir? … Sometimes He just wanted time alone to work on a project, that seemed to be the hardest for Him to request. I think the first time I asked if He would just like me to find something to keep busy for a little while so He could work was one of the biggest gifts I could have given at the time! 😀 I could almost see the weight of guilt from having to be elsewhere and not attending to me lift from His shoulders.

The point is I didn’t wait to be told I just asked instead. Sooner or later it will become more natural for the dominant to start to ‘expect and demand’ things of you, but at first you are going to have to give ideas and basically permission. They are not used to making demands of you, they never have before and old habits are hard to break.

Mind you there is a big difference between dominant and domineering. Some new dominants are going to have a difficult time trying to get that thought out of their heads especially if they are ‘one of the good guys’ which I’m assuming is why you decided to choose this lifestyle in the first place!  This is where time, encouragement and patience comes in to play.

~ Anything for you Sir, Love Always ❤ ~ 

Remembering my place in this partnership.

Today I start again.

I’ve been spending a lot of time over the past year trying to encourage your dominance and allowing you to lead. I’ve been trying not to take over or influence your decisions but instead trying to build you up and hopefully grow your confidence. Eventually I started doing this by holding back my thoughts and waiting for you to do it yourself, without my help. But it’s impossible isn’t it?

I can’t encourage your dominance over me if I don’t speak up for what I desire. I need to be strong and relay to you what I need in order for you to be sure enough in your understanding of me to feel you can take on the responsibility and lead.

We are bound together you and I. The balance of the dynamic depends on the power from both sides being equal although different. In order for you to be sure in your dominance I need to be strong in my submission. Not by being quiet and blending but by growing bigger and blossoming!

Of course I’m going to have influence over you if your objective is to take care of me …. for if not for me, then for whom are you ultimately taking on this responsibility? I need to be strong, I need to speak up, tell you what I want and need all before you can even start to lead. Only then can I wait respectfully for your guidance and leadership.

I am fed by your strength  …… and you are fed by mine.

Love You Always Sir!   ❤

 

 

 

Journey to becoming nijntje …

I feel like we’ve been doing this dance a long time now Sir. For a long while I was dancing alone, practicing the steps but they were going unnoticed. Eventually you started to drift away, you got deaf to the music I guess ….. it was nothing more then back ground noise and you tuned me out. I guess I was left with a decision to make, let the music die or turn it up ….

 

I can’t say I understood just how much these things I read about would effect you. I thought the kneeling and collars and such were all very cute and great to incorporate into our kinky play time but I really didn’t think they would hold such a high value in your eyes.

Since the beginning I have treated you with respect, always tried to be honest and never wanted to hurt your feelings. I always picked my words wisely, I know how what you say and hurt someone and I’ve always believed in being kind; but still you drifted away….. I never tried to be better then you and I have always put your needs first. Some how in there you got the idea that I was better then you? Too strong to need anyone, even you?

The entire time when I was trying to handle everything and make it easy for you I think I was actually tearing you down and making you feel redundant maybe? I know you started to resent me, even if it was at an unconscious level, but you did. I could feel it in the way you talked and walked around me, or cursed under your breath. Those were not good days, those were the days that made me search for the answer ….

You weren’t the only one changing, I started to get mouthy with you, I was lashing out in anger to cover my hurt. My moment of crisis was when I realized I was planning my day without a thought to what would please you most….After almost 18 years of thinking of you I had just made a decision without putting you first. I was immediately so uncomfortable I was crawling out of my own skin. Something had to change and I knew it had to be me.

I know you were very uncomfortable the first few times I knelt for you, you likely didn’t think you deserved the honour. It was a strange time for both of us. I had just realized I needed more from you and you were just getting the message that I did need you. I think it was the first time I actually told you out loud that I valued your opinion and needed your support. I’m not sure if you really believed it but I know you do now!

The more I am honest with you and give my problems over to you the stronger you get. The more I let you help me and take over the less stressed you seem to be. The more I trust you to take responsibility the faster you rise to the challenge. The moral of this story is that me doing everything was not making you happy, me letting you do your job does. The kneeling, the collar, the sitting at your feet and all the rest simply shows you I still need you to guide me and I think that is what you really enjoy about the gestures.

 

 

I was dancing alone for so long and when it comes right down to it, it was my own fault.

All I had to do was ask you to join me ….

 

How to Start a D/s relationship if you’ve always been the one in charge…

If you’re like me, type A personality, in charge of everything, all the time, nothing out of place and nothing left undone … what do you suppose your spouse is going to think when you say ‘hey, want to be my Dominant and take complete control of everything, please?’

Yeah, I thought so! You’re kidding right? Happy or not you have taken control over all aspects of your life, of your relationship, so if you want to give some of it back it’s going to take some time. Most of the change is going to come from you. Most of the change is going to continue to come from you until your spouse realizes that you do in fact want this dynamic, that this really can work, and that they really can do it and enjoy doing it.

I know you’re in a rush to get to the good stuff, the important stuff that you’ve heard about but It’s likely not going to happen as fast as you think it should. Might as well get used to that. It’s not supposed to be about you anyway! (Well it is, but as a submissive no it’s not.)

The reality is that your Dominant is quite used to you doing it all and being in charge of it all yourself; and likely of everyone else. Chances are you have been doing it this way for a long time and no amount of talk is going to change old habits that quickly! The first habits that need to be changed are yours. Surprise! You will find that most things will start with you, at least in the beginning.

If you really want this to work for you then you have a lot of work to do, yes A LOT! My advice would be to start small. No major life change happens all at once and if you force it onto your hopefully soon to be Dominant it will only back fire!

Consider them your management in training, pass over a few of the responsibilities at a time and make your wants and needs with each of them clear. Give them time to focus and perfect these areas before you add more to their plate. In this ‘training period’ you can offer to give suggestions as to what you would have hoped for or what you have read others doing in similar situations. If you really have been in control up to now they will likely welcome the input but be submissive in your wording and stop adding your two cents as soon as they start to act on their own.

Their actions may not be what you had envisioned but if you truly want them to have control then be mindful of following their lead once they start. You may not think so yet but this part will be one of the most difficult and will essentially come down to you trusting that they CAN take control and that they CAN lead you. You might think you trust them to but if you are still thinking ‘what if’ or ‘he/she isn’t going to want’, then you haven’t given them complete trust.

So, your first step will be learning to truly trust your partner to do what needs to be done and for them to build the confidence in themselves to feel comfortable with your trust and with the responsibility of being your Dominant.

And you thought it was all kink and rules on paper! …..

Communication, Honesty and Respect come next and I have written posts on those topics already.

Next Alpha Submissive post will cover physical ways of showing trust and respect to encourage your Dominant.

 

In the Beginning …..

Remember when Sir….

Image result for little boy big shoes

I wanted to talk to you about how you felt you are doing and how you said you were letting yourself and me down.

I understand how you could think that way because of the kinky stuff that we were talking about but in my opinion that is NOT the most important part of this dynamic. From my point of view I see you taking huge steps outside your comfort zone and trying all sorts of new things and new ideas, both kinky and not.
I feel like you are finally telling me what you want, finally standing up for yourself and insisting on more respect then ever before. I’m starting to see and recognize that types of things that make you happy and I can now work on doing those for you. That makes me very happy and very proud to be yours!
I want you to guide me and I want you to take control when I need it and you are doing just that. The kinky stuff is fun and we can certainly work on that but it is not the most important. I love looking up to you and I love snuggling up to you and knowing you are in control and I am safe and free to let go of all the stuff that has worn me down before.
You’re my protector now and I can let go of that rough outer shell and finally be myself. Especially with you. As I told you before I have all the respect for you and love and I wouldn’t change that feeling for any amount of kink Sir.
You’ve really been showing me lately that you are mine just as much as I am yours and that you truly enjoy being here with me. I can’t help but fall at your feet Sir and honestly your lucky I am ever standing when you are in the room!
Love you always, nijntje.

Calming the mind! Thank you Sir ….

I’m not sure how it works or why it helps but my maintenance spankings always seem to calm my mind. Maybe it’s because I know you care enough to take control, maybe it’s because I can let my mind go blank for a time …. mostly I think it’s because I feel like I belong to you.

You always seem so connected to me once you are through, like you just can’t get close enough to me, like I’m inside you. I’m not sure if that’s true or just wishful thinking but it is the way it feels to me. Is this when you feel the most in control of me? Is this one of the times you feel most like Sir?

I think I just need to go through this mess in my mind every so often to keep the demons where they belong I suppose. It’s been so many years now but they still seem to sneak up on me every so often. I’ve been opening up to you so much these past few months that memories I had pushed deep deep down are once again so clear. I’m sure the surrounding drama with everyone else is pushing all this forward as well.

I love being yours Sir. I love the feeling of knowing I am completely yours and you know it and want it. You feel so strong and so safe when you are in that place I honestly can’t think of anywhere I would rather be. Love you always ….